ok that didn't help much. All I got was his home number. Where do I go to find his work number?

Did you google his name? Try a simple internet search. Typing just his name should be enough unless it's a common one - if that's the case put in the city and state where he lives, as well.

you could also try www.pipl.com it is a deep web search and finds things that google doesn't

Here's a lovely tidbit I picked up.... SHE'S a CHOIR DIRECTOR at her church!

I have the church address and phone number. Would I go to hell for exposing her there????

Run, do not walk, to her pastor and spill the beans. And no, you won't go to hell for exposing her. I suspect the good Lord would appreciate it.

I think you would get an extra tick on the Heaven side of the equation if you exposed.

Ok, so here was yesterday condensed.

Couldn't contact him directly in any way - no work place, no cell records and his house phone is connected to the OW mom's somehow. So I wrote a simple letter stating just the facts (that I was given by my WH) you know, dates places and the how's of the 2 getting together. Also all related phone numbers I have - including her's that is still active. (WH and OW bought phones just to talk "off-record")

Then I attached one chat log and 2 emails from the saved accounts. Sent it restricted and certified. Should get there Friday. He can refuse it but no one else can go pick it up without photo id and signature.

Before heading out the door to a t-ball practice HER MOM called me. She knew my H when her daughter and H were in high school and dated, but never really liked him. She called to see why my number was on her phone records again (same number as the OW uses apparently) so we get to chatting. I started in with "If I said something offensive to you on Friday night I apologize, that was not my intent. My INTENT was to talk to OW's H but I suppose it was divine intervention that I got you instead"

It was very civil (sounds like up to this point OW was painting me to be a crazy psycho - so typical right?!) she apologized for her daughters behavior and assured me that she is a VERY, VERY, involved mother and would in no way be taking her eyes off her daughter even for a second (I've heard stories from my in-laws, sounds true so I believed her) then she went on to tell some information that OW told her - "WH must have deleted all the emails and 2 email accounts" (H told me she hacked his accounts) "WH was relentless in persuing her...." like WH basically was 100% to blame, that sort of thing. OW and her H were going to counseling and keeping their family together, etc.

So we get off the phone, head to practice where we had to do a switcheroo with cars, kids, and time schedules. Before I drop the kids with him in the middle of practice, I mentioned the call - his face went white - I said "wow OW is really painting you out to be the major bad guy in all this!" - he said 'w-what do you mean?" "well, her mom told me OW is calling it all your fault, you wouldn't let up on contact even when she tried to stop it and basically is saying it was all YOUR fault"

OMG --- the LOOK on his face!!! I couldn't have made that look even if I gut-punched him! HE. WAS. CRUSHED. ( Do you know how much effort it was not to LAUGH right then and there?? ) So I had to get to my appointment so I left him to fend with the kids til around 9 last night.

the FIRST thing out of his mouth when we sat down to talk was the phone call - that phone call ATE at him for 4 hours til I got home. So I just skimmed over the call, just highlighting things I knew would upset him and just let him talk and talk.

He said he was worried OW would send me an email, faked by her (of course) to make it look like he tried to contact her, that he was just sort of waiting for another shoe to drop somewhere....

Man, this is so textbook - HOW?? How is it that ALL cheaters say the SAME WORDS?! Is it in the handbook?? LOL


hanging in for one more day.... just breathing....

Exposure is doing its job, dont let up
Good job not Lbing

Step up plan A , keep the momemtum going.

Amy, this is a great opportunity for exposure! I would call or email the pastor and the associate pastor and tell them about the affair. [cc several people so no one is tempted to deep 6 your email] The pastor can have a chat with the couple and will likely remove the OW from her position of leadership. She is unfit to lead because she is in a state of sin.

Great job on touching base with the OW mother and sending the letter!

So it's Friday. The day the letter I sent restricted and certified to the OWH is to arrive.....

Last night I also sent a carefully worded and respectful email to the Pastor of the church where the OW is choir director....


let's just sit back and see what happens next..........

((((AMY)))) I know what it feels like to just sit back and wait to see what is going to happen. It sucks. Hang in there. You have been doing GREAT up to this point and a lot of it is your own instincts so you are ahead of the curve.

You should expect WH to be VERY angry. HANG TIGHT. It's going to be an interesting day.

That is if he finds out. As of now he says there is NC. We'll see won't we...

DA

Well, first you're a crazy loon, then the fall back position of "he made me do it." Yea right (sarcasm alert). . .

This is called turning on the light and watching the dance, or something like that.

The truth is that a high school romance can rear its ugly head at anytime and anyplace. Somehow they got in touch with each other and she waved it at him and he took off after her like a bull moose. I dunno if I was the first to comment on the utter disaster a High School Reunion could be, but I have since seen more than one person make the point.

Infatuation is like a drug. A brain chemical fuels it. Eventually it just stops being produced, thud, and the two day, six week or year long high school infatuation ends. But the memory never does go completely away like with any other addiction. It can be refueled at some later date, usually for a shorter period of time and it takes good boundaries to stop it from happening.

And if refueled, consequences will help insure that it never, ever happens again. On your side is what you have learned and what you instinctively did at the beginning. On the OW side, maybe the Pastor and nobody else who knows a darn thing other than she has sinned.

That may not be fair, but it is what it is.

There will be bumps in the road. I think you will handle them just fine, like you are doing now.

Larry

Amy

As you have probably read, a no contact letter something that Dr. Harley recommends.


Mel has several excellent sample letters you can copy. I could be mean and recommend that it be sent via her mother, but, well, maybe not.

Larry

Forgive me Larry, my senses being what they are right now - I cannot tell if "crazy loon" is term of endearment or an insult! LOL

So the OWH received the letter (I got the slip from the certified mail back)

Now the OWs (secret) cell phone is disconnected. Letter successful in that regard.

Told WH about sending the letter, and that I sent one to her Pastor as well. He didn't get angry, he said I should "...do whatever I needed to do to feel more comfortable in this situation..." and that he wouldn't stand in the way of what I thought I needed to do.

He agreed to STD testing (again saying he'll do whatever I feel I need him to do)

Marriage counseling tomorrow evening with the wife of the Pastor that married us (Certified Christian counselor)

Watched Fireproof together last night - I am so not ready for a sappy love story AT ALL.

Ducked his head and took his punishment like a man. Good start. Don't overdo the resentment but a bit never hurts. He will try a bunch of shortcuts. You just proceed along one step at a time.

There are several schools of Christian Counseling. Several are good, several not so good. ANY Pastor has a target on his head. Needy women usually flock around them and I would bet that Pastor's wife is skilled at the task of insuring her marriage. This is especially true since she is certified. Hmmmmm?

You do have SAA and have read it, right?

You are safe here Amy. Keep up the good work, one step at a time.

Larry

I do not. That's next on the list to purchase. MIL sent HNHN and LoveBusters to us from Amazon.

Are there any other must have books to look at??

SAS is the FIRST book to read. Until you get it, read the synopsis HERE -> see the link in the right hand menu "How to Survive Infidelity." Click and read asap.

There are tons of books. Sometimes too many. HNHN, Love Busters and SAA are the basics. When you get more advanced, there are others. Reading and posting to the forums is like a book as well because of all the examples and the thinking process.

Larry