Mrs. W, do you know what the topic was before the thread went off on these videos? These videos were posted in response to my pain about how my H does not take care of me when I'm sick--even when he's asked for very specific things, which your H does for you unasked.

I posted that I was ready to label him (my H) a narcissist because yesterday he told SH that it was hardest for him when I was ill because of what it meant he had to do for the family, picking up my slack were his words. (there's lots more, but three months with SH and he's still only thinking of himself, I was ready to label)

I was hurting, and was mocked with these videos.

It's frankly disgusting to me.

I guess i just see it differently than you, i agree that men and women are different and i enjoy those differnces emmensely. I would not want to be a man nor do i think my h would make a good woman . And i know that those things are not true about me so you are right it should be "who cares".....

I just guess it hit a spot for me because i do believe that women are belittled for using their "feelings", when i can tell you my "feelings" have saved me more times than i can count....

Careful there CWMI, I'm a Southern gal too - I may have lived up here in Yankeeville for far too long, but I still remember how to open up a good ole can of put cha in yer place "Bless Yer Heart" with the best of 'em!

Joking aside, I want you to know that Mr. W truly cares about your situation - he has talked at length with me about some of your posts or what he's posted to you - or what he should post - he's a good one to have in your corner...

Mrs. W

mines the same way if I am ill...he's uncomfortable and stays away...forgots about it and never asks how I am doing or how a doctor/lab results came out...even if I say or remind him I got labs done! Its so hurtful...I even asked him if he would read about the 2 diseases I suffer with...my thinking is he would understand and perhaps have empathy.... I didn't ask he that read a novel on them just a online google would be fine is all....noway..forget it...said "what good is that gonna do!"

SO I explained it all nice again that he might understand better is all and give me emotional support in dealing with the diseases....he just stared at me (angry) and I realized it doesn't interest him....like that movie...he's just not that into you....that's what comes to my mind. If I were dating him and this was happening we wouldn't be dating.

Sorry I jumped in here....I do understand it's upsetting when a spouse shows no concern when you are ill. I am to new to offer anyone any good advice....I have tried many things on this site and well I am still trying is all I can say.

I wouldn't even care if he didn't ask me how I was or brought me medicine or soup or anything, if he would just hear me saying, "Please don't go into work early today, please stay here and take care of the children so I can rest and get better," and DO IT.

The whole screw-you, suck-it-up-woman! thing gets painfully old.

I'm not even asking for him to stay home all day. Just don't go in two hours early. C'MON!

I'm fine tending to myself when I'm down with the flu or something. Thing is, there's four kids!

Yes, CWMI, I know what your thread is about - and believe me, I do empathize with you...

Mr. W told me that you said you would have loved it for your H to have taken care of the children if you went to the hospital - I can understand that - however, really he wouldn't have a choice in the matter - if you were in the hospital it would be his responsibility...

I'm not sure Mr. W quite conveyed the hurtfulness of that particular situation of ours to you - it was back in 2003 - I went to an eye doc appt and was told that I had to immediately go to the hospital because, "I hate to scare you, but you may have a brain tumor - if after a cat scan and MRI they don't find one, then you will have a lumbar puncture [spinal tap] - and it is likely they will find that you have this very rare illness"...I WAS SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!! And I NEEDED Mr. W by my side - his parents could have kept our daughter...I was really, really, really [etc] hurt by being left alone - and I drove myself home after the spinal tap [and yes, I had just been diagnosed with the rare illness] - and I called him on my way home and asked if he could please go to the all night pharmacy and get my meds because I really needed to be laying flat after the spinal tap - and he said "No, I'm sleeping"...Only because my mom called and let him have it did he finally get up and go for me...

So, I do understand the hurt stuff...

What I've come to learn is that Mr. W didn't do those seemingly uncaring things to me because he didn't love and care about me - but because he didn't understand my needs at the time [nor did I understand his] - and I sure wasn't communicating my needs very respectfully with my AOs and DJs...And what he saw as caring - staying home with our daughter - putting her to bed - etc., did NOT seem TO ME to be caring at all - it only seemed to be him doing what was his obvious responsibility - she's his daughter too...Lots of miscommunication going on between us...Both of us viewing each other as adversaries instead of team mates - life changes IMMENSELY when that shift in perspective happens...

Funnily enough, last night, BEFORE telling me what your husband's answer to SH had been about being sick - Mr. W got me to answer the question - it's a place where we have a lot of experience - I've been sick A LOT since being diagnosed in 2003...

I said, I'd rather me be sick too - with a some caveats - Because it scares me when Mr. W is sick - he almost NEVER gets sick, and I look to him as the stability and calm in our world - it threatens everything I know that is right and good with the world if Mr. W is sick - same if he's ever in a bad mood - WHICH, I can count on ONE hand how many times that has happened in the 18 years that I've known him...


I also added, BEFORE knowing what your husband said, that I could see where Mr. W would likely say himself - for the SAME reason your husband gave - I HATE like the d i c k e n s for Mr. W to have to "pick up my slack" - because that is A LOT on the poor man's plate - he works VERY HARD for our family - I am lucky enough to get to be a SAHM - and him having to take on my responsibilities in addition to the already herculean ones he has anyway - well, wow, he's wonderful and all, but he isn't superhuman...and I can't help but be empathetic towards him - I want him around forever and I know it puts a lot more pressure on him when I am sick...I don't want that for him...And we only have one child - I can't imagine how much harder it has to be with four - God Bless both of you on that front!

CWMI - I know that Mark and Mr. W sure weren't trying to minimize your hurt - I know both of them to be very kind men - obviously I know Mr. W a bit better... Their intent was sure not to mock you - I hope you can trust that...The two of them are very good men...

What I do think is GREAT is that your husband is onboard with MB Coaching - that in and of itself communicates to me that your husband cares very much...What I have found is that if you will focus on working the part of the MB program that is designed to get you to fall romantically in love with each other, the rest will fall into place - Being romantically in love really does change the entire view...I hope you will keep at it...I'm rooting for you!

Best,

Mrs. W

I completely understand what you are saying here CW.

I agree with the person who called dirty pool & replaced "girl" with "Black" etc. Made their point really stand out.

I like humor too. A -lot. And some humor I like is not PC. I like Jeff Foxworthy humor, city versuus country humor, and even gender based humor...And heck no - I do not want men to be women or women to be men.

And, NO - I don't believe that "men love women" and "women love men". As another person pointed out: Love is a special and intimate feeling which cannot be applied in such a broad sense to huge swathes of people. I love my husband, father, bother, uncles, son...and they love me.

If someone here was cracking jokes about Black people and 3 or 4 Black members took offense... But then 2 White people said the Black people shouldn't be offended and also 2 or 3 Black people agreed and said


The mods would sweep in here like lightning and clean house.

Let's not forget the MB principles and how we feel when our spouses say

Doesn't make it so, does it?

Is there a misunderstanding here? My H said it was harder FOR him when I got sick because HE had to pick up my slack. He didn't express any worry about me having to pick up his. He's not worried how hard it would be on me if he was sick. He's worried about how hard it would be on him, having to take care of the kids and wash his own clothes and all that.

Are you saying Mr. W said that he would have responded that it was harder for him when HE got sick, or that he would say the same thing as my H? That it would be harder if YOU got sick because of all the extra stuff he'd have to do?

Mr Wondering is a very valuable contributor here and he is very knowledgeable + good with the 2 x 4s. I have to say that still...it seems to me that the better choice would be to not type something that you have to come back and "explain" yourself for.

Mr Wondering doesn't know me or the other ladies here who may have been reading this thread...Anyone of us could have been very fragile this morning and that could have sent someone over the edge. Conversely any one of the male members could use some of this stuff as ammo on his partner.

I found out that a vanpool person chased a new rider away with a joke. She later apologized and clarified but it was too late. We needed that rider.

Anyway - You never know the private battle someone is fighting...

Can't

The later...same as your husband.

It's CAN.

That's why I changed it. Some people kept saying can't, when my name was:

CANwemakeit.

Subliminal mumblegrumblewalksaway...

I think the video pokes just as much fun at men when he pantomimes a guy watching tv. The facial expressions he makes while he is clicking the remote control are not complimentary to men. And they aren't meant to be. They are meant to mock how empty-headed men can be.

The point is to mock both sides so both sides "get over themselves" and realize their way of thinking, or not thinking, is not better than the other side's. Just different. And hopefully to educate both sides as to what is going on inside their partner's head so maybe they can interact in a more positive and supportive manner.

To the extent that the mocking is not exactly 50-50, perhaps the following DJ might explain it. In my experience, men are aware we are relatively simple. We are happy to admit it. We tend not to think we are superior for being so simple. And we know darn well that our wives have alot more buzzing around inside their head than we do.

Women, on the other hand, seem more reluctant to admit that perhaps what is going on inside their own heads is not superior to what is not going on inside men's brains. So maybe women do need a little bit more sarcasm to motivate them to see that their husband probably is telling the truth when he says he was thinking about "nothing". And that there isn't anything wrong with him for being that way.

Where has anyone in this thread complained about their H saying they're thinking about 'nothing'?

MY complaint is that my H does not think about ME.

memememememememe.

There, I said it. I want my H to think about me when he makes choices. Let the bashing continue. *sigh*

Great post, holding. Agree 100%. I know when I start taking myself so seriously that I can't have a laugh at my own expense, it is time to take a look in the mirror, rather than expecting the world to stop to accomodate my little ole feelings.

I by no means think that my feelings are "right" and his are "wrong". They are just as you stated "feelings" there is no "right or wrong" when it comes to "feelings" they just are......

Nowhere. It's a distraction ...a strawman argument.


Sometimes I sit there thinking about "nothing" too. And I don't ak my H "What are you thinking?" People are people, not caricaturistic 2 dimensional stereotypes.

Nope - you didn't say that. In fact, no one has said that in this thread. I was confused by the need for that unneccessary statement she made @ the end of such a wonderful post. ((shoulder shrug))