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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 89
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Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 89 |
So my husband had an EA in Nov-Jan. of this year...completely in the fog in Feb and broke no-contact 2x by texting her. He seems to be truly committed to me now-- he isn't as withdrawn and he is open to MB. We have an apt. with Steve Harley next week, etc. stuff he resisted before. However, it is all still pretty raw for me.
(By the way, we have been married 10 years and have 3 young kids and I thought we had a great relationship and was blindsided by this...I've been in plan A, including telling people who matter about his EA..I need to figure out how to put that background in my siggy)
So here is my question:
My husband does these races- he is an athlete. So last year he signed up and did a race that is on the West coast. We all went to cheer him on and made a family vacation of it. We hiked and just spent time together. It was wonderful. So he signed up to do it again this year in June.
Now he is suggesting that maybe he should go alone. He said it is because it is so expensive to fly across country with all the kids-- and to find a house (so we can cook instead of going out to eat) and all. So basically, he is suggesting that he go alone and we do a different family vacation that is closer and less expensive.
I don't like the idea of him going alone. If we don't have the $$ to all go, then he shouldn't go either.
He said last year he had more frequent flyer miles and the trip was cheaper.
He thinks that I am acting selfish by wanting us all to go and making a selfish demand if I ask him not to go. He accused me of thinking $$ grows on trees. I am a at home mom and do many, many things to cut costs and am not spendy at all. He knows this and wouldn't disagree usually - except for this trip.
I understand he feels stress about money right now cause we owe more than we anticipated in taxes. I want to be helping and supportive. I just don't want to compromise on taking separate vacations and being apart for 5 days. It seems like the kind of independent behavior that may not be healthy for our marriage.
I guess I'm looking for feedback and suggestions on how to apply POJA to a solo vacation.
He has another trip in early June to fly to the West coast for a work related seminar. It is during our anniversary weekend. He asked me to go with him..just us two and no kids. This is our first time away overnight without the kids. I just mention that because that is why neither of us suggested going on the race trip without the kids. The two trips are just a couple weeks apart.
Any suggestions? Feedback? points for me to consider?
Me:BW 34yo
FWH: 36yo
Married:11 years
Together:16 years (dated through college years)
3 Children: 8, 7, 2
EA 10/2009 PA began 12/09 lasted until 4/10
EA Discovery 1/10 & PA Discovery 4/10
What I thought was "no-contact" in 1/10 was a FR
Last known contact June 2010
Believe we are finally in firm no-contact and working on recovering.
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
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Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986 |
He should NOT go without you. A) It is WAAAAYYY too soon (if ever); and B) your statement that he "seems" to be no contact.
Are you verifying no contact?
If he doesn't buy into your reasons why he shouldn't go alone, be sure and bring it up when you have your MB coaching appointment next week.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Now he is suggesting that maybe he should go alone. He said it is because it is so expensive to fly across country with all the kids-- and to find a house (so we can cook instead of going out to eat) and all. So basically, he is suggesting that he go alone and we do a different family vacation that is closer and less expensive.
I don't like the idea of him going alone. If we don't have the $$ to all go, then he shouldn't go either.
He said last year he had more frequent flyer miles and the trip was cheaper. BAD IDEA. I would find a way to make it happen or cancel the trip. Spending the night apart is an open invitation to affairs so when one of you travels, the other should go with. This is not about POJA, this is a about AFFAIR PROOFING your marriage. Steve will tell you to go with him or he should cancel the trip, I predict. A better solution, since it is expensive, is for just you TWO to go and leave the kids at home. That would save you money and it would give you a romantic vacation alone together.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
No over night trips alone. Forever.
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