Newbie here - Married 11 years, 3 boys -10, 7, 4. Recovering alcoholic - 7 months. I (we) have been hit hard by the current economy.

Wife reconnected with 2 old female friends in the past 2 years, now talks to each of them daily.
Wife had a borderline EA with 1 man last year, and regularly discussed (w girlfriends) the fantasy of having a Physical Affair with another over the past year. She insists that nothing sexual has happened and I believe this is true.

Wife is also somewhat narcissistic:
1. Grandiose dreams of an acting career as yet unfulfilled (mostly a stay at home mom to date).
2. Revealing clothes, flaunting her very fit body, and gaining attention from other men are VERY important to her. (Which irritates the hell out of me).
3. Pretends to listen to my concerns and then goes right back to the same behaviors.
4. Spends as much time as possible at the gym (where both of the men mentioned above can be found).
5. Spends hours in front of the mirror (not just preening, but admiring herself).

She tells me she wants to go out more often with her female friends, who IMO have now become her main emotional support. Of the 2 mentioned above, Gal A is single and works in the sex industry, Gal B's marriage is probably further in withdrawal than ours. When she goes out with Gal A, it is usually a girl's night at a bar and most of them are single. Gal B is her workout partner.

I feel I want much more time to be alone with her and work on our marriage. She wants 'space'.
I am also very uncomfortable with too much influence from the gals above, and that it spells trouble to me. She says that I am too insecure.

She also says that our marriage is fine, I just need to make more money and quit smoking. I think these are reasonable requests, but I don't believe those changes are going to fix her independent behavior or prevent the disaster that I see coming.

Help?
_________________________
Holy Cannoli

Grandiose dreams of an acting career as yet unfulfilled

Spends as much time as possible at the gym (where both of the men mentioned above can be found).

She tells me she wants to go out more often with her female friends,....... Gal A is single and works in the sex industry.

These three above statements should have you concerned. Wants to be an actress....friend is a porn star(actress), spends alot of time at the gym(a spot check at the gym is in order here!!) Finally, wants to go out more with the girls to the club(aka meat market)!!

Be very alert and check everything!!!!

I have been keeping a log for about 11 months. Have text records and chat logs. That is why I believe her about nothing happening yet.

My biggest problem here is she believes a 'normal' marriage has a 'healthy' amount of secrets. I believe that maybe this definition of 'normal' is why USA divorce rate might be so high? How do I change this difference in philosophy?

She filled out an EN questionaire for me last night, but I believe these gestures are often made to throw me off the trail and start acting 'normal' again. So my suspecting eye can be drawn elsewhere.

BTW - Gal A is an escort. I don't want to judge how ppl earn a living in this economy, but I can't see how that is a good influence.

Thanks for your reply - BTW.

With the economy like it is. I would definitely be worried about her having a friend who is a prostitute. This and the fact that she has expressed fantasies to them about being with other men is a clear red flag.

Does this mean you already have a keylogger on the computer? How about a VAR in her car (both when she goes to work and especially when she goes out)? She already acts very wayward.

She must end this relationship IMO. As an escort, she is no friend to marriages, and is a threat to yours.

i agree w/ InLikeFlynn...you gotta be on top of this...you gotta a feeling something ain't right and don't overlook that.

somehow using the material from this site YOU have to replace her friends as her main emotional support. start a workout routine, get in shape with her (quit smoking)...go to the gym with her and you guys do this together...create fun hobbies for you two to do together...start scheduling activities with the whole family and regular date nights with just the two of you...You've been married for 11 years, you should have a good idea of what excites her...rediscover that and start meeting her EN's and filling that love tank.

you don't want to be too overbearing either, its healthy that your wife to have friends and have some kind of social life with her friends, BUT the wrong friend can be harmful, especially a single friend (an escort at that) or a friend who doesn't know how to keep her own house in order...keep the communication open with her in regard to this single friend, tell her how you feel about it...that you trust her, but you worry that she may find herself in an awkward compromising situation out at a bar and that IF your wife's friend is a good friend, she shouldn't put your wife (a married woman) in those situations. she IS a threat to your marriage

...my wife has lots of friends, but they are from our church group and they have regular "ladies night outs" and a few of her good friends, they meet maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks for drinks and appetizers...and i'm cool with that, because i meet friends too and have drinks and play darts and pool...

and honestly, you are a recovering alcoholic (7 months)...IF she cared about you and your health, she really shouldn't be going places where if you wanted to accompany her to, you'd be tempted to drink again...if you are in AA, she may need to go too, just to get an understanding of how she can have an adverse effect on your sobriety.

I hope things work out for you.

Then do it. Now. She views this as a lovebuster, so lead by example.

She has given you every reason to not feel secure.

Let me correct this quote:

Just to clarify: Wife works at said gym. I have been getting in very good shape, except for the smoking. I think I am an attractive man 6-1, 180 (used to be 200), 38 yo.

I have a keylogger and an online SMS repository.

I feel she is really trying with me but at the same time trying to leave the door open to other possibilities, and making sure she has the freedom to continue tempting herself because 'it's fun'. (Her words).

She has also become a disciple of 'the Law of Attraction' and its ilk.

ok,

First your sobriety is your #1 priority. Without that nothing else will matter in the end.

Your wife is in deep with the mind set of a wayward. Absolutely.

Wants to be an actress (does she realize she is "old" by Hollywood standards)

The friend in the sex industry does not value M. Not a good influence at all. Good chance that 90% of her clients are married. This friend is glorifying this lifestyle to your wife.

The other friend will fall to this probably sooner than later.

I agree with the others about a plan to woe her back without beng overbearing.

Go to the gym when she is there. Run together.

When does she spend time with those 3 boys? Do you do things as a family. I know the economy is tight but going to a park and packing sandwiches is a delight to 3 active boys.

Invite her M friend over and her H.

Your wife does sound like she is narcissistic. But if she continues along this path it will be destructive. She knows she looks good but she has 3 boys that will not make her as attractive as she thinks. She is already going into the fantasy.

She does spend time w the kids, but also is often in "Calgon take me away" mode.

We are making plans to spend alot of time together over the next 2-3 weeks, including a family vacation where we will have the chance for some UA time as well. That is positive.

Here is a negative (she knows that I own a VAR): she now makes most of her lengthy phone calls while she is out shopping (no chance for VAR in a department store). I find this more than a bit disturbing. Why does she need so much privacy?

My last rec contained some pretty worrisome stuff, this was only 2 wks ago.

I believe I have heard that "flexispy" allows you to listen in on phone calls.

Check it out...

Yeah, the saying around here is people who have nothing to hide, don't hide...so I would definitely snoop like a hound to see what she's up to.

Do you have access to the phone? Certain phone models (definitely iPhone and Blackberry, check the website for others) you can install flexispy and tap her calls...

What do you mean by "borderline EA"? Can you give us more details on what happened with OM?

And she still has contact with this OM at the gym every day? The consensus around here is that if there is ANY type of contact, you have to assume the A is still going on on some level...and she will not "defog" which could explain the wayward behavior you are seeing.

Why isn't your wife in Al-Anon?

She is the all-knowing yoga teacher. Al-anon, please.

She is currently in Day 6 of her cycle, I see texts like this every month to Gal B: (this one is from 15 minutes ago)

"Help! Its coming back full force"

From previous months, I already know this means she is horny as hell and feeling on the prowl, but she never shares this info with me. She instead will tell me that she doesn't have the sex drive that she used to. How do I confront her about this? This is a big EN for me, too. I feel she should be sharing this with me rather than hiding it.

Good question on the Borderline EA, I guess I'll just call it a short-lived EA. This guy is (as of recently) no longer there and there is no direct contact, but still msgs Gal B and asks about the wife. All three were workout partners when I was entering my current sobriety.

Wife was very straightforward about starting to work out w this guy "I can have guy friends, too, right?" But didn't tell me that he was coming on to her. I found that out the hard way, as well as the FB chats w him where she was complaining about me.

Are WW and OM still FB friends? The "she wants space" comment in your first post is very worrisome...that's usually code for in affair or wants affair...

Hopefully your snooping gets you some more information.

Wife is also somewhat narcissistic:
1. Grandiose dreams of an acting career as yet unfulfilled (mostly a stay at home mom to date).
2. Revealing clothes, flaunting her very fit body, and gaining attention from other men are VERY important to her. (Which irritates the hell out of me).
3. Pretends to listen to my concerns and then goes right back to the same behaviors.
4. Spends as much time as possible at the gym (where both of the men mentioned above can be found).
5. Spends hours in front of the mirror (not just preening, but admiring herself).

I would tell you to trust your gut. Your wife has some similar personality traits that my wife has, specifically the needing to get affirmation from other men. I see red flags all over the place.

Why is she still working/training at the same gym with the man she had an affair with? I know you stated you dont judge what occupation people have in todays economy, but come on man..my mama always use to tell me "you are who you run with." I would not like my wife to associate with an escort. You have all the reason in the world to be insecure.

Snoop like hell!

Alright, just had heated discussion with the wife.

She says "stop taping me" "it's ruining our relationship".
She also says I need to make more money, that when she is back to work full time, the whole male-female dynamic will be ruined if I'm not winning more bread.

Financial support is #1 on her ENQ, btw. I work on the periphery of the construction industry, which seems to have been surrounded by violin-playing vultures for the past 2 years.

She still works & trains at the gym b/c it is her pt job and she gets a free membership. I agree that this is ok b/c I have friends I trust there who would tell me if something wasn't right. 1 of them informed me last year that I should be watching my back. Same friend says he sees nothing to worry about right now (she doesn't know this person is keeping an eye for me).

My biggest concern with the escort friend is not her job (she doesn't want to continue doing it) it's her laissez-faire attitude about sex, which if I could explain properly are 2 different things. WH's come to her for many different EN, not just sex. But her attitude towards sex is that it is unimportant in a relationship, and therefore harmless!

That said, W maintains that she would have already had a PA if that is what she wanted, but that she didn't go blind when she got married, and that she also can't help it if guys are attracted to her. I said I agree, but if she is actively TRYING to attract their attention, not only is she hurting me, she is setting herself up for PA.

I asked her to please work on honesty, while I am working on money/quitting smoking...

Am I doing OK here? Any LB's here that I'm not seeing, other then the economy killing me/us and my smoking? Also, I agreed to nothing as far as surveillance goes.

Positive note: She declined her meet-market invite for this evening.

OKG,

Financial support is #1 on her ENQ

She sounds like she is dividing up her emotional needs and the need she wants from you is FS. She no longer wants sex from you, but would like that from others.

This escort friend hasn't dragged you wife in the escort business or girl-girl action I hope.

Gamma

OK

Uh, well . . .


Are you waiting for her to beg you? Give her what she wants, it is called "Bulldozing," by women. It isn't rape, it is being, uh, real male and in charge and heck I can't explain it. Not on this family site anyway

Larry

We still have sex life 2-4 x per month, but I feel she is definitely thinking of someone else in order to enjoy it, but I think you're right about the division of EN.

Based on my evidence -No, the escort hasn't dragged her into anything, but definitely doesn't caution her on her wayward behavior, either.

Recording around Xmas time where I let the VAR cat out of the bag was about when the escort GF finally finds a 'real' boyfriend, maybe they could drag the 2 of us to a 'sex club'. ???!!!

When I confronted wife (I couldnt help it), she said they were only kidding, it was just 'girl talk', and she would never do anything like that.