Kinda yes and kinda no.

You and your husband are just now JOINTLY trying to learn and apply the MB principles to your marriage. I'm not privy to your specific counseling...but I've been to the weekend and am always learning and trying to apply the principals myself so I THINK Steve likely is taking you through the process of TRYING to identify your own needs and how you like them met so that you can communicate such to your spouse who in turn, in SUPPOSED TO take such information and APPLY it whether you like it or not for one year.

By utilizing such program experience has taught the Harley's that you will end up falling in love with one another. Throughout such process you are each concentrating on meeting the other spouses needs...and trusting that your [and your spouses] feelings will follow your actions.

I THINK just possibly if you'd have been focusing on your husband's needs today, instead of your feelings about his perceived slight on the phone last night with Steve, you MIGHT have sent him a completely different email. As Ned said...the trick is stating "feelings" without love busting yourself.

What if you'd have written:




My point is...regardless of whether or not your husband is as big a jerk as you make him seem on these boards now that he's undertaking to learn and apply the MB principles you have to too. Which means...you need to focus on you and the heck with what he has done in the past (and the "feelings" you've suppressed for years). You need to trust that as he sees changes in your behavior (as my example email above passively demonstrates to him) he'll change his. As you both improve your actions....both of your feelings of love for the other will also improve.

Listen...lots of us around here applied these principles having to overcome infidelity. IMO, infidelity is a lot worse than just having an uncallous jerk for a husband. If we can set aside infidelity and focus on meeting our spouses needs with the hope to rebuild a better marriage after infidelity than you can give your husband a pass for his past jerkiness and, for now, just focus on YOUR actions. Getting him into counselling with Steve after all this time was quite an accomplishment...don't ruin it by screwing up the program yourself. Remember..as a man...your husband likely expects to see much more immediate benefits [for the money] than you expect so you better get on the ball yourself and Plan A the man before he quits. [His "taker" has to be placated before his "giver", if any, will be freed]

I truly hope he gets fully on board. He has no idea how much better life can be with a happy contented wife that completely loves and understands him. The past will fade away. It's like a complete do over and it's really not that hard. Plus...it feels good to be an appreciated and understood husband. It's a level of self-confidence KNOWING you are being a good husband, leader of your family and example for your children (and generations thereafter hopefully). It's a total win-win.

Finally...once you reach the goal...sharing your "feelings" won't be a love-buster anymore. You'll both be on the same team and can discuss/share with each other freely JUST AS YOU BOTH DID WHEN HE WAS COURTING YOU. There's no longer animosity and gamesmanship. You'll discover you can easily state your feelings past and present without LB'ing. It just becomes conversation and not a battle in a never ending war.

Mr. Wondering

If someone here was cracking jokes about Black people and 3 or 4 Black members took offense... But then 2 White people said the Black people shouldn't be offended and also 2 or 3 Black people agreed and said

[quote]"You guys need to lihten up, that brand of humor didn't offend us."

[quote=ChrisInNOVA]


If someone here was cracking jokes about Black people and 3 or 4 Black members took offense... But then 2 White people said the Black people shouldn't be offended and also 2 or 3 Black people agreed and said


I am very offended by the inappropriate comparison to racism. I am insulted that the label of racist is being so cavalierly thrown around. You don't know me or the other people here who may have been offended reading this thread...Anyone of us could have been very fragile this morning and that could have sent someone over the edge. Conversely any one could use some of this stuff as ammo on his partner.

I am very offended by your posts.

I thought that there was no way I would have written that email how you did.

And that you're right, "He has no idea how much better life can be with a happy contented wife that completely loves and understands him."

Loving him, in the way that I desire to be with him, that I want to understand him, I got that.

All the other loving stuff, I can't do on my own. Do you know what he did today? Announced that he was switching to late shift on Fridays again, said he knew I wouldn't be happy about that but he felt he had no choice so he VOLUNTEERED for it.

*dies*

[Guess what folks? Human beings do not routinely and habitually use true logic.

I am very offended by the inappropriate comparison to racism. I am insulted that the label of racist is being so cavalierly thrown around. You don't know me or the other people here who may have been offended reading this thread...Anyone of us could have been very fragile this morning and that could have sent someone over the edge. Conversely any one could use some of this stuff as ammo on his partner.

I am very offended by your posts.

Here's a fun game. Take out the word "girl" and put in another descriptor. Like:

Big word for a Black person, eh?

Big word for a Polish person, eh?

Big word for a Hispanic, eh?

Big word for a Swede, eh? Well, this is actually kind of funny. Unless you're a Swede, I suppose. . .

Humor at another person's expense and then telling them they lack a sense of humor when they don't buy into it--dirty pool, old boy.

Did you yell or get angry with him already...IF NOT...Please WAIT and we'll discuss this with you.

Don't meet his failure to poja and apply MB principles with your own failure.

ACT...don't react to this situation.

Please.

Mr. W

Sexism is okay, but racism is offensive?

C'mon, people, not everyone shares the same sense of humor. Which reminds me, maybe we can find a black pride forum and post some racist comic videos on there. It'll be fun!

hmmmm, that is a very broad, sweeping generalization but I guess I would have to agree in general that many people are somewhat emotionally retarded and never learn to use their left brains when they grow up.

When I was a teenager, I did not routinely and habitually use logic and reason, but as I matured, I taught myself to put aside my crazy emotions because they more than often, led me on a wild goose chase. Feelings are fine when they are in the back seat, but that is where they belong. Mr LOGIC should be driving the car and making decisions.

It is astonishing to me the amount of adults who never mature beyond teenagers and learn to use reason and logic in their thinking. They are very emotionally driven and unfortunately, not very rational or safe adults. Scary people.

Thats very offensive. so its ok to dismiss my offense but not ok to dismiss yours? How does that logic work exactly? You are a little more equal than me? I am offended by your dismissal.

Thats very offensive. so its ok to dismiss my offense but not ok to dismiss yours? How does that logic work exactly? You are a little more equal than me? I am offended by your dismissal.

So maybe women do need a little bit more sarcasm to motivate them to see that their husband probably is telling the truth when he says he was thinking about "nothing".

But feel free to place me on ignore, Melodylane. I am totally OK with that.