Hang in there and don't feel too awful. Most of us have had some angry outbursts.

Instead of kicking yourself, spend this time formulating a real MB plan.

ok, Phoenix, what I am about to tell you may sound crzy but what has happened is good, not bad. But I need for you to stop saying Plan A and Plan B to him. He should not even know these terms.

I would like to give you a PLAN if you want to hear me out. First off, I truly think you need to go into Plan B because he has already worn you down to a thinly wired nub with his lack of committment. The state of things is only going to make your lovebusters worse and then there won't be anything left to recover FROM.

That being said, you can't go dark NOW. You need to wait 3-4 days and stay in contact with him because you don't want the last thing on his mind to be your lovebusters. The last thing on his mind should be only pleasant memories. So, you want to spend the next 3-4 days being as kind and pleasant as possible. On Monday or Tuesday, give him a Plan B letter. This is a love letter stating your desire to work on the marriage. You cannot stay in contact with him until he is ready to work on the marriage becuase it is too painful. Ask him not to contact you and not to come in the house until he is ready to commit. [having him in the house will trigger you badly and it will give him a FIX - he needs to see exactly what it will be like if you are divorced and when you are divorced, he won't be coming in the house at will]

So, just calm down and focus on being as sweet as possible to him for the weekend and work on writing on a really good, short, meaningful Plan B letter to give him on Tuesday. Then change the locks.

Do you have an intermediary who can pass on essential messages?

Where is the camper?

Melody - I so appreciate the time you are taking with me (and everyone else who is helping me). I am a total mess today and doubting every step I take.

Darn - I went dark already! other than allowing him to phone or text me if we need to make arrangements.

His camper van is parked outside our house right now - I don't know where he is (probably at work) as he has another vehicle and will come back to get the camper tonight (I guess) and will go park somewhere.

I doubt whether he will try to come in to the house as our understanding is that he will not come into house without letting me know first and that I will probably try not to be here due to the pain of seeing him.

When he left last night he looked so guilty as I was sitting in my chair with tears rolling down my face. He knows I "have no choice but to do Plan B and go dark on you even though I still want a R" which is what i said to him.

He knows the essence of what plan A and plan B are so no way to hide now as we looked at all this stuff together on the website in the first few days after Dday before I realized he was not back for a true R.

He knows I am fully into MB and has taken the SAA book with him when came to the house today to get some of his stuff (I had left him a little note on it letting him know he can read it to understand what I am trying to do while I will keep reading the Love busters book given the damage I keep doing with my AO and DJ and demands and threats - including kicking him out yesterday when I discovered NC broken rather than talking it through).

First thing this morning I sent him a text saying that i would respect his desire to go into this next phase (he wants to leave even though I had kicked him out with tons of LB yesterday and we did talk for several hours last night before he left that allowed us to talk more calmly).

He says he feels so numb and it is not that he doesn't want me - said he doesn't want anybody or anything - feels nothing about anything in life.

In my text this morning I let him know that I still love him and want to save our marriage but he is aware of the conditions including his need to fully commit to MB principles and our marriage. I let him know that I feel doubtful about whether he will return given what he has expressed. In this message I let him know that I believe with healing he can be the incredible man I know him to be and that I want to be the wife he deserves and meet all his needs.

I also let him know that I hope he will fight for me back and that he is in my thoughts and prayers. I said I needed full honesty no matter how painful the truth is but I also communicated that I am really scared of what he may do during the separation including continuing his A with her. I ended with saying "goodbye for now my love and you are in my thoughts and prayers".

Is this what you were thinking in terms of the love letter and I just did it too soon?

with my agreement (he asked permission first) he will be at the house tomorrow while I am out - he might be still here when I get home as he is working on a reno project with his uncle (great timing!). Should I send him another loving text tonight or say anything more again tomorrow?

Since my love letter text this am and then him seeing me briefly at the house this morning he then texted me several times within the next half hour about silly little stuff. I asked him to leave me alone and told him I didn't know where all his stuff was that he was looking for. He then texted me to let me know he had left the house and I did not text back.

How do I make the positive things the last things he remembers about me now?
Have I messed it up too badly and driven him back into her arms even faster?

I am also burned because the OWH told me today via text he will not participate in keeping tabs on whether they are keeping to NC. OWH said the A has been going on for over 1.5 years (I thought "only" 10 months) and that unless they both "grow up" there is no point in bothering as they will do what they want to do and have been doing.

The OWH and OW seem to be in a place of constant conflict as OWH has known about this from the moment she started "dressing herself up and stalking my WH at the field" as the OWH described it and the A got going.

The OWH will be no help as he has been willing for her to stay living there while the A was going and didn't tell me until Feb 15 2010 (and as far as he is concerned the A is still fully active and he may be right!). OWH seems to think that just waiting it out is the strategy and is committed to staying married to her no matter what due to Christian values.

Argh!!!! What should I do next?

PS: It is taking everything in me not to text him and tell him I hope he is ok or something?

I know that in the text to the OW yesterday that broke NC he told her I had her cell phone number and she texted back asking how he was doing and he then texted back that he was fragile and a mess or something. I think her showing care about his well-being and my lack of caring was how she met some of his neglected EN.

I won't do anything without an experienced member giving me the go ahead but it is so hard to resist my impulses to reach out to him with a love mail right now even though I am doing Plan B.

I want you to do what I suggested above, Phoenix. Be very sweet all weekend and then go into Plan B. What you have set up here is Plan Nervous breakdown where he has the best of both worlds, and can come and go as he pleases, while contacting you when the spirit moves him.

Plan B means complete and total darkness that is initiated by a love letter. The love letter is ESSENTIAL because the fogged out wayward will read it over and over again. He won't get most of it the first time, but when the time comes where he is ready to commit, he will read it to find out what he has to do.

When you write the letter, let him know that you need him to not come in the house because you need total separation. Ask him to take the camper far away. Then change the locks.

What about your finances? Are your bank accounts separated? How are your bills set up?

Here is a good letter:

Dearest WW,
It is with the heaviest of hearts that I write you this letter. I am saddened by what has become of us, our friendship, our marriage. This letter is written to you as a necessity. Allow me to explain.

The eight years that we have been together were filled with an endless number of hugs, smiles, tears and laughs. I have loved you every minute of every day that we have spent together.

I realize that I have not been a perfect husband to you. I see now that both my attitude and financial irresponsibility drove a wedge into our marriage. I apologize to you. You must know that I never intended to hurt you or push you away from me.

The pain that your relationship with OM3 and the relationships that you have had during our marriage has been unimaginable. Continued contact with you has the potential of destroying my love for you and I don't want that to happen.

It is because of this that I must insist that we no longer contact each other, until you are no longer involved with OM3 or anyone else. I ask that you respect my decision. In the event of an emergency, or any necessary financial matters, please contact your mom, and she will contact me. Once you have ended your relationship with OM3 completely, please contact me, and I will be willing to discuss restoring our friendship and marriage.

I am committed to our marriage. I believe that we can build a marriage that is stronger and more beautiful than we have experienced. Beginning today, I walk forward in life, and I want you to walk with me. I love you with all of my heart.

Your loving husband,
Ethan
******************

phoenix, can you refresh my memory about the exposures you have done? Who ALL knows about the affair?

I will do the letter Melody but how do I be sweet all weekend when I have already sent him away?

Exposures:

WH told his sister who told his brother and mum who we assume told her husband (his step-dad)

I told my best friend and 2 sisters (who all told their husbands)
I told his uncle who has been working on home renos here most days and was here when I came home on Dday (witnessed the whole blow out)
I told 4 other close friends
I told his new boss

My parents do not know but my mom asked my sister if WH was having affair before I had told my sister (but during the separation before Dday when I got the I love you but not in love with you and need my space speech)

PS: he doesn't have any active friends for me to expose to - this has been part of the problems he is having as has pushed everyone in his life away but OW

Phoenix, is this is first affair? Have you ever had an affair?



I would pick up the phone and call them this weekend. They have likely been told a very spinned story. Give them the correct story about his adultery with a married woman and ask them to use their influence to persuade him to end his affair for life and commit to your marriage. When you call, ASK FOR THEIR advice. This will motivate them to take up your cause.


Tell everybody, Phoenix. Everyone should know about the affair. You need your mothers support, too.

Another key thing I would suggest is exposing to the OW's facebook friends and family. This kind of exposure will ruin the affair and make it more likely that she won't continue to pursue your H. The more people that know, the more ppl to hold her accountable. We have some good template letters for facebook exposures that can be sent out to all her contacts via email.

Dear friend of Joe Scumbag,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of his friends should know the kind of person he really is. Joe had an affair with my wife, Sally, from Aug until September. I believe that his friends should know this, so you can protect your marriage from him. My wife and I have 2 small daughters and this affair has almost wrecked our marriage.



I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify his parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.


Thank you, BH



Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW

Some updates and answers.

I have never had any kind of affair (EA or PA).

I drowned myself in DVDs to cope with my pain and depression instead of taking care of myself and my marriage. Haven't watched one since my husband separated from me before xmas. Have been working out, cleaning house, trying to meet WH needs until Plan B started yesterday.

It is my WH first affair (to my knowledge and I doubt everything now)

I called WH's mom and just spoke for an hour.

WH told my MIL the brief version - unhappy in our marriage for a long time, cheated on me for last year or so and that has come back to house to figure out what he wants to do and that he has not seen the OW since breaking it off with her several days after Dday. My MIL had impression WH was being "honest" and that we were working towards R - now she knows that he has never been committed to an R.


I filled in some context with my MIL - e.g., OW is married, has 5 kids, OW & WH claim(ed) to be in love, spent hours together on cell phone, sex usually in back of her family van, OW has lost nothing and WH has lost everything.

Told my MIL that her son has continued to have sex with me all while having sex with OW.

Told MIL that I went back to work an extra day a week which worsened my depression when WH lost his job this past summer and she now know that I was unknowingly paying for hundreds of dollars in gas and cell phone bills that supported the A (not to mention all other aspects of our lifestyle)

Told my mother in law that I asked WH to leave last night and he is living in van rather than ending all contact with OW and doing R with me.

Sad thing - my WH's father cheated on my MIL before their divorce several times before leaving her for the final OW who he married and they are still together. My MIL knows my pain and says the kids were all that got her through but I don't have any - feel especially alone but thank goodness for my dog!

My WH and his siblings and his mom went through HELL and my MIL can recognize that my WH is totally lost right now as we can't believe he would do to me and the OW kids what his own dad did to them (WH and his dad have been estranged for decades because of his dad's affairs and aftermath).

One of my biggest LB was telling my WH several times since Dday that he is just like his Dad. Told his mom it saddens me that WH has allowed himself to become just like his dad in his behaviours - anger management issues, affair, lying, etc,

MIL has agreed to be my go between contact during Plan B. I asked her for advice and she said her and my WH step-dad (who both love me tons) will think about how they can encourage my WH to get back on track and recommit to himself and our marriage. She said I can call her anytime and she loves me which I needed to hear.

PS: I can't expose the OW on her facebook as she has the privacy settings done so I can see just her photo and lists of her friends but no access to actual facebook pages or friends' email addresses unless she accepts me as a friend. Am I missing something?

Good job on speaking to his mother!

The way you expose to her facebook friends is to send each of those friends a private message. [you don't have to be friends with any of them to do that, you can send anyone a private message] Make a copy of the names, paste it in a Word doc because once she gets wind of your exposure, she will hide her friends list or delete her page.

Part of the problem here is that her H is a wuss who won't have much effect on the affair. This exposure will help in that regard. Let her explain her sick adultery to all her friends and family.

I sent out this email to the first 8 of her facebook friends (many of whom will most likely be family from last name).

Facebook has now blocked me - whoops - guess you need to do gradually.

If my WH blows a gasket then I have proof of NC being broken and can stick to plan B.

I am SHAKING right now as never planned on doing this kind of exposure but the OWH is not willing so I am. As I have read somewhere here I can survive his anger but our marriage can't survive their A.

This is what I sent out.....

Dear friend of OW

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends and family should know the kind of person she really is.

OW has been having a full sexual affair with my husband Jamie for at least 10 months now. I believe that her friends and family should know this, so you can protect your own marriage from her. She has no boundaries about going after someone who is already married and does not seem to care about the devastation this is causing me, her husband, her children and her family.

I have been with my husband who I still deeply love for 23 years and because of their affair our marriage may be over.
The only chance for something good is if her friends and family help her see the error of her ways while my husband's friends and family try to do the same for him.

Thank you for your time
BS


This is so surreal. Hopefully I can keep gradually sending them without being blocked or getting in trouble with facebook.

Good job, phoenix! You will get some letters of support and some negative responses. The people who would put down a victim of adultery are crapwits whose approval you don't want anyway. So don't let it bother you if you get some negative feedback.

thanks for the warning Melody.
Only got one vicious message from someone who is clearly a very close friend of OW
and it was very long and very hard to read.

Said I embarrassed myself with letter, marriage problems are my own fault, etc.
They also said I should be blaming my husband rather than putting 100% on OW and so should I have added a sentence in to that effect?

I'm totally blocked from facebook - possibly for days which sucks as only got 8 letters out so far but saved list so will have time. It looks like this will have to be a slow exposure where once I can get back on facebook I can only send one letter a day or something.

Oh - just now got one compassionate letter back from someone saying they were sorry I was going through this difficult time but asked me to clarify the OW last name as they have multiple woman with the same first name on their friends list - crap! I forgot to use her full name when revealing "the true OW" in the email subject!

This is the hardest exposure yet as they all know my full name and identify and can email me back. It will be worth it if it saves my marriage but right now feels so awful.

phoenix, I wonder if facebook has made a new rule about sending emails? No one else has mentioned this problem before. I am concerned about the OW's name, though. Do you think the people knew who you were talking about?

Are you banned from facebook?

Consider that a compliment to be despised by a fool. And she probably knows about the affair, too, which means she is a lowlife.