My brother dished out a major insult to me today. In an effort not to completely throw out alternate viewpoints that could have merit, I'll ask for feedback.<P>My brother basically acused me of sacrificing my children's well-being ("who would be better off out of limbo in this hopeless situation" according to him) for the sole purpose of making my husband feel extreme guilt. His logic is as follows. A) We all know there's no way husband will ever file for divorce (I agree, perhaps a 5% chance) so it's my decision to make. B) All I am is nice and generous to husband, despite his horrible behavior. C) HUSBAND is therefore trapped in limbo since I won't divorce him and he's incapable of divorcing me. D) Therefore, I am taking advantage of the situation by deliberately being nice to husband and not divorcing him!<P>Can you believe this! My brother has presented a viewpoint that the reason I work on the marriage and wait for the affair to blow up is actually to CAUSE my husband pain, an evil intention.<P>He further went on to say that he "can't believe" I'm encouraging husband to spend time with our baby (who he's ignored her entire life of 15 months now), which could have potentially disasterous consequences.<P>OK, enough rant on my reaction. The question for the gang - is it possible that the motivations for those of us that wait while spouses cheat are less than honorable? I can accept in part that I do this because I can't deal with failure, but could I have a truly evil intention based on a personal vendetta?

Distressed - I know that I've certainly done a lot of things - including "being nice" (extra nice actually) - to try and make my W feel guilty about her affair. Really, I wanted to make her feel guilty enough to confess it and give it up. Hasnt't worked so far, but I sure don't think that doing this is the result of any "evil" intent on my part. (And don't think your being nice to your H is the result of any bad motivation either. So tell that hypercritical brother of yours to get a life!) My intention is to try and restore my marriage (or what's left of it) and to do that, frankly, I'm goint to try every trick in the book. For our marriage to work, my W has to give up her affair. Obviously, she doesn't want to do this. So I am willing to do what it takes to MAKE her give it up! And if that includes making her feel very, very guilty (and she SHOULD feel guilty!) then so be it. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

There isn't anything evil in being good.<P>If anything the guilt that is brought upon the betrayer... is their own feeling...<BR>All we're doing is loving.<P>In time you may see that guilt feeling may make you feel bad... don't... all feelings are OK.<P>It's how we deal with them.<P>Jim<P>-----------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...

Wex,<P>Like you, I want my husband back and he doesn't want to try. says "too much water under the bridge."<P>I keep killing him with kindness,too. But, he is currently in FL on a 5 day trip to see OW who lives there. He moved out right before he left on trip. How can I caontinue to Plan A when he continues the affair?<P>ANYONE, PLEASE ADVISE!! What would you do on Monday when H returns from 5 day trip to see OW? Still Plan A? If so, can I bring up his trip or pretend he never went???<P>Roll Me Away

Tell your Brother to mind his own damn business. He's NOT you, and he isn't in your position....he has no idea what you are going through. If your H feels guilty....Well, HE SHOULD feel guilty. He had the affair...you didn't. What the heck do you have to feel guilty about?<P>Give me a break...who has the morals here??

Distressed - I ranted and raved BEFORE I started typing so that I wouldn't do it here. Granted, I do think that our being loving does, on occasion, remind our spouses of their guilt. But it doesn't MAKE them feel guilty - their actions and their own conscience do that. <P>Bah, Humbug. I am loving to my H because I still love him and I want to save my marriage if there is any way possible. No other reason. I want us to have the future we always dreamed of.<P>You DO know what you can tell your brother!!<P>Lori

Your brother is off the wall. most people who have not been in your shoes just don't understand. <P>Wanting your H back and to restore your marriage is hardly evil. I think you are doing thre right thing showing your H what he is missing by his decision to have an affair, may make him feel guilty, but i doubt that is your intent.<P>We all know if you just ask him nicely to return and all will be OK, what the response would be. Even if you do intend to make him feel pain I don't see anything wrong if it gets you your marriage back. JMHO

"Gang" : How does anyone here know that they are causing any guilt or pain to there spouse by being nice during or after an affair? especially during?<P>I think my wife actually gets a kick out of it. I'm loving and caring and the OM is...well he's just the OM. She gets the best of both worlds. Some people do not feel guilt and pain like others.<P>How does anyone know unless spouse has told you?<P>We all have ulterior motives when it comes to the things we do. ALL!!! We are nice and loving in hopes that someone will reciprocate. We buy flowers, cook a good meal, clean the house, ask how the day went, etc. All because we want something in return.<P>I agree that being nice may not be a way of causing pain in your case, but it could be, only you would know that. But then again, your H may not feel any guilt either.<P>Look out for you and the baby, your H will see on his own. I'm not saying stop trying, just maybe not going out of your way.<P>Prayers can cause miracles.

It sounds like everyone agrees with me. While guilt may be a by-product of using Plan A and we may feel it's justified, it certainly isn't the intended end result - saving the marriage is.<P>I have to say, I'm really angry with my brother right now. I know he can't stand to see me sticking this out so long, but his viewpoint is extremely insulting. He is directly saying that I put hurting my husband ahead of the best interest of my children. I better chill out tonight and get over this.

to be honest, i have barely spoken to MY brother since first discovery last year--i chose my H over my family basically, for the same things you are dealing with--massive display of opinions. He thinks i am insane to stay with my H, and am wasting my life while staying home with my young babies.<BR>How weird of your brother to "side" with your H. your H WON"T get a divorce, but he is entirely CAPABLE of doing it, so it is not like you are cruelly holding him back and forcing him to feel all the pain and guilt by plan A'ing him. silllll-ly.

Distressed,<BR>What your brother said is ridiculous. You can not "make" someone feel guilty. Guilt is a natural consequence of wrong-doing, assuming one has a conscience. Also, just because you are in limbo doesn't mean that your children feel in limbo. I am quite sure that your 15 month old doesn't concern herself with the legal status of your marriage.<P>How can encouraging your H to spend time with the baby be a bad thing? Even a little bit of nurturing by the father is better than none at all. I had a relative who never saw his father, at least from a time he could remember. His father was basically worthless, but the child desparately wanted to see him. Apparently at one point in his childhood he called him and told him that. Last year he was killed, and as he lay comatose in the hospital, his father finally came to see him. A terrible tragedy for the child, and his father for the rest of his life is going to have to live with the fact that he can never make it up to him, never reconcile. I was afraid that my H would grow distant from the kids if he was not living with them, and that is precisely what has happened, and I hate the OW for her apparent discouragement of his seeing more of the kids more than for anything else she has done. Children need a father, and if that requires that the mother go out of her way to encourage their seeing each other, so be it.