I agree totally with ouch.

Hanging around with a Ho is not the way a married woman should be acting. To go to a party with Ho is over the top.

Man up. Take charge. You have absolutely nothing, nothing to lose. I believe the consensus is that you are looking down the road to divorce anyway, you might as well try to save your marriage, if you can. And now is the time.

Larry

Geez conversation tonight was painful.

She is essentially trying to negotiate her honesty for my returning us to better financial condition, i.e., the lifestyle we had b4 the recession.

Pardon the sarcasm, but wow, now I am really regaining my trust...

I think I may try the out in the morning.

What does that mean?

Larry

Following the intervention suggestion made previously.

And what is your plan? What have you read on the internet that would identify how to go about doing it?

Larry

So basically, she wants you to spend more hours working, allowing her more hours of unrestricted freedom. You have to look a little deeper. She is not negotiating her honesty. She is negotiating her fidelity. Essentially she is negotiating her love for you, based upon your performance. I am very sorry to hear this. If you decide to out her to her parents, I wish you the best of luck. If you do it. You may consider first writing out what your expectations are for your marriage. Since at this point you are the only defender of your marriage. You must define what you want it to be. This is not about you controlling your wife. It is about setting behavior and boundaries that you will and won't accept. Do not cling to her, do not chase her. This will only drive her further away. You are basically giving her the opportunity to restore what your initial marriage vows meant. Whether she comes along or not is her choice. Stay strong

Delete, bad question

OTH - great insight. The confusion I am experiencing nearly blinded me to this fact. I work in sales and usually spend 1 or 2 days/wk working from home, the rest is long (10-15 hrs) days on the road. My days home make her very unconfortable.

I have evidence of her desire to get away from me on these days, even though I am holed up in our office with virtually no contact w her. I think she feels her freedom to associate via phone etc. in her fantasy world is being compromised.

Since my head feels clear this AM, I am pretty convinced at this point that she is currently living 1 foot in, 1 foot out when it comes to M. I really wish I could just ignore everything, as I think my mental health is really suffering.

I would like to write to MIL, but I don't think MIL will be much help. They seem to encourage whatever their daughter wants. Both my parents and the IL's are aware of the EA that took place last Jul-Oct. Hers don't take it seriously (MIL had a lengthy EA w younger man when WW was a teenager), and I'm pretty sure that FIL has had PA's while on fishing trips over the years.

Their family view seems to be that A's are normal: 'Get over it'

I am racking my brain to think of who I could notify that might make a difference.

You didn't look very far, Larry, or you would have seen this from 5 February 2009:

"Krazy, Please read this whole post.

I have read a great many of your posts. I was wondering how you were doing with you anger. Can't even wrap my mind around what you would have felt. How angry you were/are. I obviously could not cope with what you have had to go through. I know your hate for the OM. But your wife is what intrigues me. You must love her with everything you have. But the other side of that coin must be hating her with a passion. Hate is not the opposite of love. Apathy is. and you do not sound apathetic in the least. So how does your hate and your love walk hand in hand. I think that one of the reasons for your anger is that your wife cannot understand just how hurt you have been. How could she. I believe your wife needs a word picture in the strongest terms. If I may make a suggestion. That may well finally remove your anger. You need to call an escort service. You need to find the most beautiful woman there. Go home and set up a video recorder. So that the whole situation can be taped from beginning. Arrange to babysit your daughter for the day. After your wife goes out. Have someone take care of your daughter. Call the escort service and let the drama begin. I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU DEBASING YOURSELF LIKE YOUR WIFE DEBASED HERSELF. Start taping before the escort comes. When she gets there have her strip completely naked. Give her a towel to cover herself. The camera is rolling so nothing is being missed. You disrobe in another room. Wait till your wife comes home. When you here the door open. The escort loses the towel, and lies on the couch. You keep yours on. Your wife walks in on you and her. BOOM. Instant understanding and identification. The escort grabs her close and leaves. Your wife goes completely ballistic. You let her scream and yell and cry for maybe five minutes. When you feel she has grasped the whole concept of what she did. You simply go over to the camera and hit the play button. She sees that you had absolutely zero contact with the woman. She now understands for five minutes what you live every day of your life. You look like you have tried everything else. Think about it. Call it an object lesson."

Jen has never written anything like this. I think you owe her an apology!

Anyway, here's the background, posted the same day:

"Married 29 years no infidelity. I post because we have become empty nesters, and the two most dangerous times in a marriage is 7 to 10 years in and then Empty nest time. I was thinking we were growing apart and so looked into infidelity sites to read the stories as a proactive way of avoiding what I have been reading. My mom was a WW and divorced my dad when I was 5. So I can identify with the children of the posters here. We really have a strong marriage and love each other dearly. But forewarned is forearmed. I also think that there may be a place on these boards for the opinion of someone with a strong marriage. I was mentored by a man who was married for over 60 years. My belief is:

We all have an investment in each others marriages."

Threadjack over?

No I'm not Jen. I guess you would have to have read the whole thread. I would not make the same suggestions in this situation, obviously.

Actually, I have no idea who Jen is either. It was a shot in the dark based on something I saw in a thread. I was just curious how ouch hit the ground running is all. Sorry I brought it up now

I deleted my question to clear the thread.

Larry

OK

You need a plan for "Intervention." Good word that.

You need as much evidence as you can gather.

You need a personal journal, hand written is good, computer is ok but not as good. Dates, times, you said, she said, she did, etc.

You need to know who all the players are.

Keep in mind that your fogged out wife is going to lie at the drop of a hat. She will try to convince you that you are crazy, which is called gas lighting. She will bargain, yell, scream, and twist everything you say. You must be mentally prepared to deal with all that nonsense in a calm and collected way. Yea, easy for me to say. But you have to do it.

You need goals. What do you want to achieve?

If you think that no matter what you do, she will NOT re-engage in your marriage and relationship, then you must start early planning for divorce. Yes, you don't want to think of that, but think of that as an outcome to protect yourself and your KIDS!

I don't know what state you live in. In some states, you have to have a really, really strong case to keep her from owning your dreams, kids, future and the whole nine yards. In other words, she will get the kids and you will get the shaft.

The more written evidence you have, the more likely you are to get custody. And with that custody comes your ultimate weapon and that is her parents. They are going to go with whichever of you controls access to the grand kids, in most cases.

Write down your step-by-step plan. Post it here if you like.

There is a huge level of experience, knowledge and wisdom among the large number of people here that can focus on your situation and help you. The collective wisdom here sometimes boggles my mind. Take advantage of it.

You have to be secure in your thoughts and mind. You have to know what you want, what you are willing to do to get it and how to navigate the many paths your situation can take.

Larry

One other thing. You are going to be attacked. Allowing the situation to focus on your sins, if any, will just let it get out of control. Be secure in your own thoughts. You are doing the best you can with the tools you have to protect your family and your goal is an intact family.

You can take the position that you want a traditional marriage as much to protect the kids as anything else. You can look up the effect that "Alternative lifestyles" has on kids. There is a lot of comment on that available via web search.

You have to adopt an attitude such as the brave, strong husband who wants to help his wife deal with her demons.

Larry

I concur with Larry.

thanks

I just got the "You asked for honesty, now I'm going to give it to you speech..."

Not good. Half of my wardrobe is out front and I am holed up in the bedroom.

Worse yet, I live in NJ, I'm _____ed!

Making her move. Sorry. I hope you have prepared yourself.

Larry

If she touches you call the cops. Get a RO and she will be the one who is leaving.

Ok,

Now you need to protect yourself. As soon as it is safe to leave the bedroom, go to Radio Shack and get an Olympus Digital Voice Recorder. Make sure the it can download via USB. Every time you are with your WW, have it on and recording. A favorite tactic of the WW is to pull the Domestic Violence card. Your tape recording will go a long ways of shooting it down and turning the tables on her.