I want to do what is right for our family. Of course, mostly for our children. but I'm so disgusted with him. I dread coming home from work and having to talk to him. I dread sleeping in the same bed. I dread MC because I just want to tell him that I hate him and I want him gone. I can't divorce him because of $. Neither one of us could afford the house. It's underwater and we have tons of credit card debt. We'd have to foreclose and the banks are getting pretty vicious about perusing foreclosures. I don't know what to do. I want to forgive and grow stronger but each day that passes I just hate him more and more.

the affair ended the exact opposite of how they should end. He continued contact until it just petered out meanwhile tormenting me the entire time. He'd lie and then I'd find out and blow up. He's discontinued contact but now all he does is complain about how I don't make him happy and I just want to shove my foot down his throat. All the little things that bothered me about him are magnified 100x. I don't know if I'm just going through a phase or if I really hate him. I just can't imagine living the rest of my life with this self absorbed jack-a**.

I don't know if I should continue to try or if I should just cut my losses. My poor kids. I love them so much. they will be so destroyed.

**********************
Me: BS 40yr
Him: WH 44yr
OW: coworker (he is no longer working with her)
PA: 3 yers
D-Day: 12-07-09
NC: on and off mostly none now but she still calls him at work on occasion
MC: 3 months
no plan A
no plan B

So what's more important, dollars or your sanity and your life?

Maybe that's a harsh way of putting it, but that's what your post is suggesting: You are going to stay in a loveless, abusive relationship because it's "cheaper" than the alternative.

You are not powerless. But you have to empower yourself. Not to decide IS to decide.

What's your decision?

Me: BS 40yr
Him: WH 44yr
OW: coworker (he is no longer working with her)
PA: 3 yers
D-Day: 12-07-09
NC: on and off mostly none now but she still calls him at work on occasion
MC: 3 months
no plan A
no plan B


Dim1970

I am going to be blunt. I agree with Fred.
Doing the same things over and over expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

I stayed stuck living the same way for a long time. It is insanity. Until I put my PLANS down in black and white I was like a ship without a rudder. I blew and bounced all over the place.

Make PLANS and the answers to what direction you need to go will come.

Nesre

Dim

Has there been a No Contact letter written by H-approved by you and mailed to OW?

How much have you read on the site? The process is all explained in detail and usually Vets will jump on board to help guide/critique along the way.

The process helps us-The BS heal-Even if our M doesn't survive.

Nesre

I've spent a lot of time on this site reading. Though I have to admit that much of the advice I didn't follow through with as well as I probably should have. There was a NC letter which we wrote and he sent but OW ignored. I'm sure he later contacted her and told her that I made him write it. In fact it seems that ANY excuse - including a letter telling her not to contact him - is an excuse to call and yell at him. He feeds off the drama.
_____________________________________
Me: BS 40yr
Him: WH 44yr
DD: 10yr
DS: 8yr
OW: coworker (he is no longer working with her)
PA: 3 yrs
D-Day: 12-07-09
NC: on and off mostly none now but she still calls him at work on occasion
MC: 3 months
no plan A
no plan B

Dear 1970:

sorry you are hear and hurting. it is very normal to feel so angry, especially if the WS is not remorseful. please read everything on this site. you do need a plan, for your sanity, and for your childrens sake.

make sure your mc is promarriage. even if you are not sure you are right now. MB site has detailed information on specific actions you can take to take back your life, mind, emotions, marriage if you so choose.

you are very raw right now. be careful of rash decisions. you want to do what is in the best interest of you, your children, your family, your marriage.

if the marriage cannot, or you do not wish to salvage it, you want to be the best you, you can be. for yourself and your children.

you will get wonderful advise here, some of it will go against your very grain, but i assure you if followed, it will produce the results you choose and you feel good about.

take a deep breath, tell yourself you can and will get through this. we are here to listen.

Dlm,

I am sorry for your pain. We have all been through it. What are the conditions that you set for him in order for you to remain in the M? The MB program works if you impliment it. It sounds to me as though you have simply been treading water and building up resentment for the last three months.

Can you afford a few sessions with the Harleys? Conventional MC is a waste of time and money. It can do more harm than good and yours is obviously not doing any good. You are floundering without a plan and the chances of you and your WH just "falling in love" without a plan are nil.

You have stumbled into the very best place to develope a plan to restore your M and the very best people to help you to make it work. The choice is yours.

God's Blessings,

Say

Probably should have???

That is why nothing is working. So far, the advice you have been given is to put on your big girl panties, work up a plan and then follow the plan.

Let me try to say it in another way. There is no reset button. There is no magic wand. To get what you want, which is a different marriage, it takes three things: knowledge, planning and commitment. The knowledge is here. From knowledge you develop a plan and then you commit to the plan and march down the road.

Half measures yield no results and you go deeper into depression with no end in sight. Have you thought about going on anti-depressants?

Larry

1. Is OW married or partnered? Have you exposed the A to her H or partner?

2. Have you told your H's employers? Ask for their help in getting this woman's access to your H blocked; e.g. a block on her emails and a ban from his contacting her that will be met with disciplinary action if he defies it. They can check his call log and all his internet use is logged on their server.

I'm sure the employers do not pay him for conducting his lingering EA with company resources.

The only work-hours contact you cannot block is contact via a pay-as-you-go phone, but let's deal with what you CAN block for now.