My story:

3yrs together, average arguments and problems. Both get on well with each other's families. I moved my job and world to be with the STBexW 7 months before we were married (we were engaged for 13mo - she proposed). We did all the serious talks about being able to say no right up till the ring is on the finger, and how divorce isn't an option. She usually initiated those also, particularly the latter. Fairytale wedding and honeymoon. Argued more when we got home, mainly about housework and me not doing enough of it.

Many life events since honeymoon - dog died suddenly, her company taken over and job changed from one of challenge and good social links to losing her friends as they were made redundant/moved on and a job with no challenge, travel to offices much further away. She stopped talking to her best mate as she was breaking up someone else's marriage and my wife didn't agree with that. She was depressed, had less time to do her addiction of exercise and unable to use the old work gym due to the takeover. I had a particularly tough time at work also.

She ended it on anniversary of her Mum's death 2 yrs ago. I moved out as I'd moved into her house. I did everything she asked, tried to give her space etc etc. I begged and pleaded, just couldn't help it. I apologised for not listening to her pleas that "the housework is making me ill." I validated her opinions and booked the MC that we'd previously talked about but neither of us had actually booked. She refused to come. She is adamant the marriage is over, it had been wrong since before we married. She never said anything else.

I have an Xmas card from 2009 telling me how supported, valued and cherished she feels. How I'm her brick and springboard to the rest of life and that 2010 is going to be the best year ever in my arms. 4 weeks later it's so over she can't even contemplate any attempt to fix it.

I found out 7wks later that she's started sleeping with one of my ex friends and colleagues, and that it started at the latest 3wks after we split. I confronted them both and they said they have nothing to be ashamed of, they're in love. They hadn't really met before we got married, but I introduced them a couple of months later. They denied even thinking about having an affair before we were "estranged."

Since this I've tried to get life on track. Am back at work, doing hobbies and trying to look after myself and have fun. I've lost 2 stone, am cycling to work again and have reconnected with old friends. I have no contact with the ex, mainly because it's too painful. Most interactions prior to this have been congenial. I helped with her job interviews, moved my stuff promptly, enquired after her when she had a car accident. Before finding out about my colleague I made it clear I wanted to work on things. Since finding out I've stayed well away and only communicated about practicalities by txt or email. She's phoned on several occasions, even had the cheek to ask me to go fix her computer as the new man doesn't know how! Now all practicalities except the legal bit dealt with we have absolutely no contact.

I have addressed my failings in the relationship of not always listening to her, having unhelpful reactions in arguments and not doing enough housework through counselling and self awareness. I even bust a gut in the 3 wks before we split up to do all the household chores and more, despite at that time not having any idea I was about to be dumped.

I hear about their affair at work. I exposed the affair to the workplace of the OM and myself, and to the wife's family. However, they are apparently "in love" and have "nothing to be ashamed of." My wife has started buying expensive clothes (normally just lounges around in sports gear, but OM is very Armani and Gucci with his �5000 shoes) and the OM is apparently taking a new interest in outdoors equipment (we always did lots of outdoors activities as a married couple). They are off to Milan, Florence and lots of expensive restaurants and spa weekends etc. They appear to be having a great time whilst I'm miserably pretending to be happy.

I'd do anything to save my marriage. I can and will forgive her as I believe truly in getting married once only in life and then working at it through whatever happens. We said this in our vows.

How can I proceed to fix this from a position of living across town with no contact and her busily living an exciting life with the OM?

Forgot to say that she visited lawyers just 3 wks after the separation to get the legal ball rolling - but nothing can really be done until August when we've been married 12 months. I have a letter from them stating we should have a financial clean break as our marriage was so short, and stressing that she'd like it all to progress very amicably.

I'm not feeling amicable having to work with the manipulative, predatory OM that she is "in love" with, and has wrecked 2 other marriages before this one.

Hi Goblin, welcome to Marriage Builders. The site where nobody wants to go, but once you're here, find it's got some of the best support in the world!

Just as an option, you might want to ask the moderators to move this thread to the "Surviving an Affair" forum (click the "Notify" button on the lower right). That is, if you're interested in trying to save your marriage.

Your story is a lot like mine. My stbxw and I were married for 6.5 years, during which she appeared to adore me, spoke of being "fiercely loyal," of having "healthy boundaries" and how I was her "last husband" (she had been married three times previously).

That was until she was let go from her job and found solace in the arms and bed of a married man. From that point on I became a demon and everything she despised, and how OM was her "true love."

In truth, I have come to learn that my stbxw while physically and intellectually is a grown woman, she has never matured emotionally, and thinks her happiness is dependent on someone else. There is no hope for me (or anyone else, for that matter) to make her see and understand that she won't find happiness that way. I have had no other choice but to let her go. My divorce will become final exactly one month from today.

Marriage Builders is all about building strong, healthy marriages. Even those wracked by the devastation of infidelity can be restored -- if both spouses wish to restore it and are willing to do the hard work needed.

I'm sure you've heard the line, "It takes two to say 'yes' to a relationship, but only one to say 'no.'" Your wife may be in the throes of "The Fog" as we at MB call it. If you are willing to work the suggested program of MB, with the help and guidance of those who have successfully done so, then by all means, have this moved to the other forum. If not, stick around and let us help each other get through this very devastating and traumatic time.

We can do it. It does get better. Alone, we are at our wit's end. Together we can survive and become stronger and healthier.

I'm sorry you had to find your way here. But here you are, and here you can find help. Welcome!

goblin,
I'm sorry you find yourself here. You will get a lot of help, encouragement, support, guidance; that's how it works here. You won't always get what you want to hear but there are folks here with tremendous knowledge and skill.

That's a good start.
Plan on continuing to walk through the fires of hell. But also plan on coming through it with insight you never thought possible, whether your marriage survives or not.

First. You must read. A lot. If you haven't already, start with the articles on this site. Anything that looks pertinent. Try to absorb as much as you can. You will be totally overwhelmed, that's okay, things will start to fall into place soon enough.

It's totally unfortunate that you and WW are separated, but this does afford you opportunity to study relentlessly and think about how the material applies to your life.

You need to read a book called Surviving An Affair (get it from this site if you can); one of the situations depicted is similar to yours.

Read through threads when you can - start familiarizing yourself with the plans and procedures which have been proven successful.

Stick with this thread (don't start new ones), that gives us a chance to refer to your situation and then answer questions with the right background. Keep us posted.

**A couple of things to throw out there:
-Your WW's relationship with this POC is statistically doomed. The are not "in love" - she compromised all her own principles to get into the fantasy world she now lives in. It will not last. For now there's not much you can do about that however. It's time to work on making Goblin a better man, more knowledgeable for the future of this (or another) marriage.
-You did nothing wrong. You know that right? We BS's always want to take responsibility for our WS's actions. NOT OKAY. You are 50% responsible for your marriage, she is 100% responsible for committing adultery - it was a choice she made. Stop blaming yourself, Gob.
-You will hear folks here tell you that having lived together prior to M is a good prognostic indicator of failure in a M (there's an article on the site that is very interesting). You don't have any kids and you are married less than a year. These things are all going against you right now. Those are facts you should be aware of. Folks might suggest you make a clean break of it - that's something only Goblin can decide.


You can read my thread "Another EA Story" to know who is giving you the above "advice." In a nutshell I have endured about a year of ww's wayward behavior in various forms. I Plan A'd for a few months but ultimately came to the realization that I was trying to save a M that was not, and never would be, the kind of M I really want, nor continue to model for my dear 13 and 8 yo. Very sad, but you have to make the best of the situation.
Point: through this site, taking a beating here for my own infidelity, focusing on shortcomings (like LoveBusters), having a paradigm shift based on principles learned through the material here, I have become a better person for myself, my kids, and my STBXW, as well as my future wife when that time comes.
I take time to post because it helps solidify what I've learned; it helps me in my journey. I suspect that's why others write in as well. We've also all been helped tremendously by those that came before us; it's inspiration (NOT an obligation) to help others.

I LOVE the English expressions.

You're going to be okay, Goblin. It's going to take some time, but you're going to be okay.

~optimism

Hi Goblin,

I am so sorry for your pain. I have not experienced anything in my life that hurt more than the betrayal of our vows by the man that I thought was my best friend.

That said, adultery this early in a M while you are still basically in the honeymoon pahase of your relationship is a very bad sign. Even Dr Harley often recommends that in short marriages where there are no children you are often better to cut your losses and find a faithful woman. That would also be my advice.

I also think that you should investigate and find out when this A really started. Your WW and OM are obviously trying to legitimize their A by saying that they did not get together until after you were seperated. They are lying. I don't know if it would give you any leverage but I would ask around, check phone and bank records etc. and find out how long it has been going on. That info might affect your decisions.

God's Blessings,

Say

Thanks for your prompt replies Fred and Optimism.

I'm on the usual rollercoaster. I know that I've not done enough wrong that my marriage couldn't have been sorted out if someone else hadn't got involved. I know the odds are heavily stacked against me, and I know that I'm actually quite a good catch as a spouse (and her family keep telling me so as well - they're all devastated and horrified with her, for the moment at least).

Whatever way this all turns out I will hold onto my dreams of settling down with the right woman, raising a family and growing old together. Whether the right woman is the STBExW will remain to be seen.

But I'm going to do absolutely EVERYTHING in my power to save my marriage first. I couldn't walk away from this without having done my absolute best to sort it out, for my own pride and satisfaction going forwards. It's currently a shame that the wife isn't willing to put in the same effort with me, and is wasting it on the OM. I'm not quite ready to give up yet, although I do think that moment will eventually come when I totally give up and move on. Part of me thinks that I have to put in at least as many months effort as the wife complains that I didn't put into our marriage. A couple of friends have suggested that might be what she's waiting for - some demonstration of prolonged effort that she can't ignore. This is the difficult bit though - to do stuff she'll notice and will impact upon her positively whilst I'm totally dark. I'd also love to see their affair break down in a huge cataclysmic mess, and then maybe I can do what the OM did and step right into the void that's left. Anything I can do to encourage this?

I've done as much snooping as possible regarding when it may have started, confronted them both. I know all her passwords and she's not computer literate enough to think about changing them. The only evidence I have is emails which date from 3 weeks after our split from the OM professing "I love you so very very much." In fact prior to that point the OM was in fact comforting both of us seperately over the break up. I really felt the alarm bells ring when the OM suddenly stopped replying to my calls, emails, txts after being so supportive. I think that is when it became physical.

I knew they had a spark when I introduced them, but I never thought either of them would end up doing this. There is only one other event I can recall that is suspicious, a couple of months before the seperation my wife gave the OM a lift home (he lives 10 mins away) after she came home from soccer training and the OM and me had had dinner and some wine at our house. She didn't take her phone and didn't come home for a few hours. I asked at the time what had taken so long, and after we broke up I asked if they'd been physical on that evening, but the wife denies anything other than they were talking. I believe that is when the manipulative OM really started to get his claws into her on an emotional level. I knew he coveted what I had - he told me on enough occasions at work how jealous he was that I was going home to my lovely wife with dinner on the table. I hate myself for trusting them both, introducing them at all.

I even asked if she would agree to unreasonable behaviour so we could get divorced more quickly, to which her answer was "I haven't behaved unreasonably...have you?"

There was actually one moment in the week after our separation that the wife seemed to waver on her decision. We sat and talked for 3 hrs over cups of tea and I apologised for not listening and validated her reasons for ending the marriage. She said I'd thrown her a curve ball and she'd have to go away think about it. I suspect she talked to the OM about it and that door got firmly slammed. The wife has never talked to anyone who might have disagreed with her decision to end the marriage. She spent a week not talking to anyone except the old best mate who has dubious morals and the OM. She still isn't talking about our marriage to anyone who will challenge her. I feel very much that the OM slammed the door on our marriage, and that there is only a very slim chance it could be reopened.

Hey you met a woman you thought was trustworthy and cared for you but she did not.

She slammed the door on your marriage since she cannot keep her legs together with other men.

You know what to do..... after you make a huge mistake like this in marrying a woman with no morals and values who will run out and cheat on you the first time she can find a man to do it with. Be glad you have no children.

I think this is a bad formula. It sounds logical, but something isn't right about it.

Okay fine, I'm sure your friends are wonderful people who love you and want the best for you. But if they are like most friends (I have a few of them myself), they know NOTHING about affairs. You now have a new source of information and guidance. [and for the record, your ww is not "waiting" for you to do anything - she's enveloped in the fog of her new adulterous relationship while reaping whatever benefit she can also get from you by the "married" status; she'll go like this forever if you let it ride.

I don't think you need to although there are things you can do to disrupt the affair. I'd focus on reading the information here first. Be very careful what you wish for Goblin. If she comes back simply because the A didn't work out, with no remorse, your resentment is liable to be enough to crush whatever is left of the relationship - read SAA to get what I'm talking about.

opt

of course she wouldn't want anyone to destroy her fantasy world, which she knows deep down is on shakey ground.

Knock the ch!t off right now. I already told you you did nothing wrong and I believe most here will agree. Trusting your wife is not a crime. Her betraying that trust is.

opt

I have ordered SAA. Is there anything in particular you suggest I read on here? I've read all the basics and articles on affairs. I find a lot of it doesn't seem to be particularly relevant to my current situation as it's targeted at those who are not separated or those who are have a spouse who has some interest in saving the marriage. I've been reading this site, and another similar site also for the last 2 months, and have a relationship book library to go with it that would rival many! I'm very much one of life's doers - have a problem, put in the effort to fix it.

I hear you about her not being worth it. This is what her family, my family and most of my confidantes are saying. It's my belief in marrying only once, all the memories of fantastic times together, going through some real life changers together like the loss of her Mum etc that is keeping me hanging on.

I have since gathered much info on the OM, and discovered just how manipulative and predatory he is, and how he has similarly wrecked other marriages in the past. I know my wife is also at fault but I think she's been manipulated awfully. I know one of the other recipients of his attention previously at work, and she is one of the senior members of staff and by no means a push over or someone with poor morals, yet her marriage didn't survive his onslaught either with an almost identical story of emotional affair which resulted in break up of marriage and turned to PA in a matter of days. The OM is an expert at getting what he wants at any cost. My wife is indeed the alien at the moment. Even her family are saying she is not herself.

Goblin, you and I are much in the same boat. However, I have come to the sad realization that I cannot force my WW into recovery. I have so much information on POSOM I could write a book. Yet none of that matters because WW doesn't wish to see it. In fact, I have come to the point where I actually hope she and POSOM remain together, if only for the fact that they can then wreck each others' lives and spare the lives and families of many others.

Really, the only difference between you and I is that I have had a bit more time since D-Day than you. Well, I was married to my WW a bit longer, too.

I am also not one to give up easily. But I am also a realist to recognize when a cause is lost, or when pursuing something that is mentally, emotionally, morally and physically damaging to me is the wrong path to take.

Surviving An Affair and this site is not about "Marriage at all costs." I count myself among the survivors who did not recover their marriages, and probably shouldn't have. Yes, it's a sorrowful state of affairs, but I have come to realize that had I stayed with my emotionally damaged WW, I would have been the one utterly and possibly fatally damaged. Today, I can walk about with my health and my sanity intact.

AMEN Bubbles!

Run away...run as fast as you can...run away and do NOT look back. There are a gazillion other women out there...who will not dishonor you and your marriage like this!

I'm not ready to run away yet. I got married for life. I believe strongly in only doing it once, and then working at it. I think everyone deserves at least one chance to make good. Me to remedy my failings in our relationship, and her to remedy hers if she chooses to.

I think I'll know when I'm ready to give up, and up until that moment I'll keep fighting because otherwise I'll always wonder what if I tried x or y.

In the meantime my options are open. I am not going to sit around and wallow, and if someone wonderful walks into my life I will think carefully about how to proceed at that time. I am living for me, not for her. We can both be selfish at the moment.

So, you are going to ignore your wife's bad character and hope that somehow..... SHE CHANGES? Wow.

In the meantime my options are open. I am not going to sit around and wallow, and if someone wonderful walks into my life I will think carefully about how to proceed at that time. I am living for me, not for her. We can both be selfish at the moment




Waiting for someone wonderful to come into your life (and only then you will give up on your dusty old, corrupt, cheater, bad character.... wife) is kind of strange.

Uh, I read this to say, "I am willing to become a WH if the opportunity presents itself."

Funny. I was told -- even by my attorney -- that I shouldn't be seeing or dating other women until my divorce was final. Even though WW had moved out and was actively engaged in adultery. I have abided by that dictum. It's been five months, and while there have been a number of women I've been attracted to, they all have a "Do Not Touch" sign attached to them until that virtual ring has been removed from my finger.

Fish or cut bait, Goblin. It's unattractive and unmanly to try to straddle the fence.

Apparently we are legally "estranged" since we are living at different addresses - maybe UK law is slightly different to US. So we can both sleep with who we choose with no legal impact upon the impending divorce.

I tried to play the card already of getting divorce through quicker on the basis of her unreasonable behaviour, but she denies anything happened until after I'd moved out at her request. We are stuck with a date in around 28 months unless she eventually agrees to admit to unreasonable behaviour - we must first be married for 12 months and then separated for 2 yrs after that. 28 months of my life is a long time.

As for fishing and cutting bait. I'm not going to sit here waiting for her to sort her morals out indefinately, at the risk of missing out on someone I could eventually spend the rest of my life with happily. I have no idea if she will ever realise the error of her ways. She certainly shows no evidence of any second thoughts in the last 2 months. My life cannot be on hold for the rest of my days. I am not actively looking for a rebound relationship or date/relationship of any kind. But if the right woman entered my life I would consider whether I could truly let go of my marriage and give myself to someone else, or had already done so, or that I'm not ready at all as I would only hurt the interested party. Certainly in my past long term partners have arrived at the most unexpected moments in my life.

Regarding my wife's behaviour - yes she is well out of line. But I still think everyone should have at least one chance to redeem themselves in whatever area of their life. Haven't you ever made a mistake in anything and been given a second opportunity to rectify it for which you have been grateful Bubbles?

If the wife did become interested in reconciliation I would consider it. She may never do this, she may do this after I have moved on, she may do it before I have lost all hope. I'll deal with it if and when it happens. The only way forwards would be an awful lot of MC, and starting from scratch.

As everyone keeps telling me I can't control her behaviour - I can only control mine. So I'm going to live my life to the max, enjoy myself, be fit, healthy and happy. She can make her choice in her own time as to whether she chooses me or not. I'm making mine now to be true to myself and open to the opportunities life offers me.

I have made many mistakes and given the chance to rectify them. However I think making love to and having a relationship with another man is NOT JUST A MISTAKE.

Sounds like you got a plan going. You are not going to wait at all...for the divorce to be final or for yourself to heal.... to open yourself up to new love. I hope you do not fall into the same type of relationship again ....this is what could happen if you do not deal with the present and the reasons you accidently fell for this cheater in the first place.

I'd do anything to save my marriage. I can and will forgive her as I believe truly in getting married once only in life and then working at it through whatever happens. We said this in our vows. 03/27/10 10:13 AM

But I'm going to do absolutely EVERYTHING in my power to save my marriage first. 03/27/10 12:47 PM

I'm not ready to run away yet. I got married for life. I believe strongly in only doing it once, and then working at it. I think everyone deserves at least one chance to make good. Me to remedy my failings in our relationship, and her to remedy hers if she chooses to. 03/28/10 01:53 PM

I am not going to sit around and wallow, and if someone wonderful walks into my life I will think carefully about how to proceed at that time. I am living for me, not for her. We can both be selfish at the moment. 03/28/10 01:53 PM

In the space of 27 hours you have gone from �doing anything I can to save my marriage� to planning what to do if you meet someone. You�re not divorced and you are certainly not ready to have another relationship.