Bugsy!

Always good to hear from you!

I really can't understand why you ever married Drac....

And then I think about your name for him, and understand better.

Dracula seems strong and deboniar and a real man. But all he wants to do is suck the blood out of anyone who gets close to him. Sometimes slowly, and sometimes quickly.

He presents well. He appears to be everything you might want in a husband and father. Then reality, after a period of time, starts to settle in. What he presented, is not what he remains. He starts on the prowl, again.

I thought that maybe, Drac was redeemable. From your first posts, I thought that maybe Drac would beat the odds. Learn something. Change much about himself.

So much for that thinking....

I wanted to point out that your amazing for staying constant in DSS life. Without you, he would have NO CENTER in his life.

That is testimony to the type of person you are.

Stay strong Bugsy.

LG

Yessssirey!

Hey LG!

Thanks for the support on DSS. (you 2 Luna!).

Interesting that you chose to mention that as today has been about DSS. I actually met FACE to FACE with Drac about DSS today.

Over the weekend I started having a tooth ache. I knew it was not good, so called the dentist first thing to get in. Bad news is that it is cracked all of the way down and has to be removed. Surgery is scheduled Wed.

This morning, I get an inquiry from Drac via email about Ladybugs softball uniform. Then he wanted to know how she is doing as he observed practice last Saturday & was concerned that the other girls were not �including� her. I explained that it�s an early girly �clique� thing and that Ladybugs is just as guilty. However this year, like the last 2 get better with time as the girls all come together the more time they spend with one another.

Drac replies with thanks and then states he wants to talk to me when I have time, as DSS�s birth mother has contacted Drac via Facebook. WHAT??!! Talk about overdose of Waywardall! This woman must buy it by the TRUCK load, she has so much entitlement and absolutely NO care for anyone but herself!

Last time they had contact with her, Drac contacted me because he was in a panic. Scared about losing DSS. Turns out that there had been contact with her prior, but I was not told about it until months after it happened. This sounded very much like another panic attack on Drac�s part.

I explained about having to see the dentist & said I�d contact him after my appt. After I left the dentist, I emailed him and told him I was free to talk or that I would be willing to meet him, as I would be going past his office on my way home. I wanted to be sure I got the FULL story this time. He asked me to come by the office, so I did.

I was calm, cool, and collected. I let Drac do most of the talking. I was quick to listen and slow to answer. I let him finish with everything he had to say and made sure he was open to my input before sharing.

I told Drac that my immediate reaction was to ask where this woman is so that I can go EXPLAIN the facts to her, with sufficient FORCE if necessary to ensure the message was properly received. The Momma Bear in me was in full force! This woman abandons her son for 10 years and suddenly expects to be a part of his life? The few times there has been contact in the past, she never held up her end & DSS had to go through that abandonment all over again. This is not happening,,,,,NOT in MY world!!



My second thought (after I calmed down) was that perhaps she had changed. Perhaps she realized the damage path she has caused & was wanting to do what she could to repair the damage. Unfortunately, that is NOT the case. Her original message was a light hearted attempt at contact, asking that Drac tell DSS hello, give him a kiss, and tell him that she loves him.

When Drac replied that she has no place in DSS�s life, she asked that he send her pictures so that �she doesn�t miss him growing up�. WHAT? Lady, physically, he IS grown up. He is taller than me, outweighs me by 100 pounds, shaves, and drives. You ALREADY missed him growing up!!

Drac & I agreed that his birth mother has done nothing to deserve to be a part of DSS�s life. However, she IS his birth mother and DSS will forever have a desire to have her in his life. DSS has a hole in his heart that neither of us can fix due to her abandonment. He needs to know that there is nothing wrong with HIM and it�s nothing HE did that made her stay away. Drac himself has had to get past similar issues with his mother. I was able to point it out in a way that was not negative to him or his mom. He agreed & understands all of this.

Drac was very open with stating that no matter what *I* am DSS�s mother. Always have been and always will be. He spoke in terms of �our� son, �our� work, �our� investment in his life. By his words, my involvement & credit for DSSs upbringing was more than I�ve ever heard or felt Drac acknowledge ever in my life.

So, DSS is aware that she contacted his Dad via Facebook. He is not interested (right now) in reaching out to her, but it was clear to Drac that DSS would let her �back in� if she reaches out to him. We discussed how despite Drac�s fears, that is DSS�s choice. We will have to support him if he chooses to engage with her again. We also can�t let DSS know that we feel it is �wrong�, as we don�t want him to feel that his desire to engage with her is wrong � because it�s NOT wrong for him to feel that way. It�s not about OUR feelings, but his. Even with the high likely hood that he would be hurt by her again, it�s OK and NORMAL for him to want a relationship with his Mom.

*I* think it was a good, positive discussion. Drac seemed more calm about the situation.

Drac then updated me on his recent health problems. Turns out he will not have surgery, his condition has to be managed via diet & medication. Which, if he manages it correctly, it will be fine. He commented that he as to �grow up some more, eat fiber & stuff�. My reply, �Oh, could there be a worse diagnosis for you? Having to grow up?� I said this in a humorous tone and that is how he took it.

He said it is a topic for another time, but that he doesn�t care for the friend that Ladybugs had over to his house last weekend. Nor does he care for her mother. HUH? I merely responded that I don�t care for the little girl either, but don�t know her mom well enough to comment. I WANTED to ask him why he would have her mother over to his house last Saturday if he didn�t care for her? But I didn�t. He went on to say that the friend was a problem when they were getting ready for church.

Church? I knew he went with his neighbors last time Ladybugs was there. Frankly I was very pleased to hear that he is attending. My prayers seem to be bearing fruit! I didn�t make any comment about it to Drac. I just hope he keeps going!

Now, when I arrived at his office, he had an employee that I know standing in his doorway. We exchanged hellos & I went in to Drac�s office. Door left open & shades up on the large window that looks out on the main area of the office. I pulled a chair up in front of his desk, sat down, and waited patiently for Drac to say his piece.

A few minutes into the conversation, Drac was getting emotional. He got up. Closed the door and pulled down the blinds. I said nothing. When I got up to leave, as we were walking to the door, he says, �Well, we will have fueled the rumor mill for a week or so with you coming to my office�

I replied, �Maybe I should walk around the entire office to be sure everyone sees me� We both laughed. I didn�t walk around, but did wave at another one of his guys who I know and consider a friend.

Drac then proceeds to walk me all of the way out to my car. He thanked me for coming by and wished me luck with my tooth. I didn�t hesitate, but just kept walking to my car, said �bye�, got in my car and left.

Bottom line, I think it went well. I recognize the fact is this - Drac needed me. I didn�t go there because of that. I went for DSS. Period. Drac feels a bit better about the situation, how to handle it moving forward, and THAT will benefit DSS.

WOW! You so impress me, bugsmom. I am glad you got to hear the validation from Drac about your parenting of DSS. Even though it was not necessary (you KNOW you are his mom!) it must have been good to hear.

Bugsy:

Your the goddess, aren't you?

He still wants you. He realizes WHAT he lost.

Yes, he is Ho-less right now, and the loss is so much starker for him at these times.

He is Drac. Leave him to stew...

LG

Pulled this over from Luna's thread because it's so good. I totally agree.

I also agree with LG. Drac still wants you in his life. Wants you to think nice things about him. Let him stew.


I still get that, too. You're right--they will always want it.

Well, GuySmiley! Nice to hear from you!! Give us an update on your world when you have time - would love to know what you & the kiddos have been up to!

I don't know that facing Drac the way I did really was that big of a deal - once I was in front of him, it really was a 'non event' for me. More so than I'd imagined it would be. Perhaps because I've gotten to another point in my own recovery?

The point to where I want him to 'want' me, but absolutely don't NEED it nor actually DESIRE him in any way. Why do I want him to want me? Cause he didn't when I needed him to. Cause I want him to acknowledge what he gave up in me is worth having. Cause it would be nice to know that I didn't waste my love on someone who did not and does not recognize MY value.


As GuySmiley said



ABSOLUTELY TRUE. He wants/needs me to help with the rough spots in life & provide some sort of positive feedback on how wonderful he is. He doesn't want "me", but he needs somebody to meet some ENs now that he is 'ho-less' so I guess I'm the most accessible. Am sure it's a short span of time until that changes again.

Why else would he make sure to send me a flyer/invite about a fund raiser he was helping put on last weekend. Or tell me that he is helping out with breakfast 'at his church' Easter Sunday. Yep, I fell down on that one. However, I am very happy that he is attending church and becoming involved. There may be hope for him - not in Bug's world, but perhaps in the eternal sense & that makes me very happy.

If I ever feel the need to use the Wood Chipper on him, I'll feel a bit better about it! LOL!

So, how about the rest of ya'll? Updates please??!! Ms Foxx, SL? Been a while since we've heard from you two.

Gonna be honest Bugs, you have never fully convinced me of your stand on that one.

Just sayin'.

I hear ya' Chris!


Thanks for being a real friend and just saying it straight out!

Seriously, I can see where you are coming from on that. It's true that despite all that has happened, I was often less than firm on never letting him back in my life. I know that if he had really ever put any effort into it, I would probably have allowed it.

Thank God he never tried!

I'm more willing to allow a bit more friendly co-parent situation work between us. I have no thoughts/desire for it to be anything more. No more hopeful butterflies are alive inside me when it comes to Drac. Not even a cute little catapillar has survived.

Well you know how sensitive and shy I am.




That's a good thing.

Take care Bugs.

Hiya Bugsy!

Good to see you moving along in the recovery. Only lurk now and then, but since you called me out, I'll post to you. Nothing big happening... living with my sis and DS is doing well. I am looking to move back to AZ this summer, after the settlement of property is finalized. I am thinking about getting a MS in teaching...not sure whether I want to do elementary or higher level teaching. It's a very new, fledgling thought, under development...but I may have the funds to get it done.

Things with AZ man are great, albeit trying due to the distance. I still fly out each month on his dime. I am tired of my phone and of flying. Meh, it is what it is.



Nothing much more of interest to report on. Life is pretty dull most of the time...which is probably a good thing

Seems Drac has taken the communication about the kids as more of an open door than I intended.

He called today asking if I could talk. I thought perhaps something happened with his Dad, who has been having health problems.

He started with, "I called you because you are really the only one that will understand this".

HUH?

It was a WORK related issue. I felt like I had no choice but to listen as I'd already said could/would listen. I can appreciate the situation he was dealing with, but was just feeling strange that he'd called me.

It was very much a 'flashback' kind of conversation. The kind we had on a regular basis when we were married. The kind we both enjoyed. He was very appreciative at the end and seemed as though he didn't really want to end the call. He said again, "You are the only one that would understand". I didn't comment on that and ended the call.

So, I am afraid that I've allowed the door to open more than I want or am comfortable with. I do not want to be his friend. I don't think I can be his friend.

Chris had a point with his comment - but I don't want Drac back. But I realize I still have enough of an emotional connectioni (good & bad) that would be at risk if I were to interact with him in a friendly way (such as calling each other about work challenges).

One part of me thinks I just ignore this and move on. The other part is afraid that he's going to do this again if I don't let him know that I am not open to this kind of communication.

UGH! Just when I thought I was such a champ at having really let go, it feels like a tentacle has reached out and grabbed me by one ankle,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I just had to vent this out. Thanks for listening. I am going to pull the ribs out of the beer and throw them on the grill. Kids are getting HUNGRY & so am I!

I hope everyone has a great weekend with their loved ones be it an Easter or Passover celebration.

Bugsy:

Good old Drac.

What he is doing says more about you than him.

He is lost, and he looks for sources of support. And there you are.

He can add as many qualifiers as needed. "you understand this work stuff" "You know DSS" "You know about 1st ExW"

Yes, you know all about that stuff and SO MUCH MORE.

But he has broken every other relationship, and there is still YOU. So he calls.

Maybe you realized something in yourself after this phone call. How close to that edge you were. Or how easily you can fall under his spell again.

And when he wants to "turn it on" hes not such a bad guy.

And that is what you married.

To bad the rest of him isn't like that.

Chris was right in his question to you. You always harbored that flame of reconciliation. Moreso than others in the "killer bees" class of 2007...

And there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't make you unhealthy. It just makes you Bugsy. And that is why Drac calls you.

Don't be afraid of what the future may bring. I don't think it would EVER bring Drac back into your life in any real manner. He is just a wink and a drink away from the next new HO. And being Ho-less, he needs SOMEBODY to talk to.

Happy Easter, friend.

LG

Ahhh Bugs. LG is right. There is no HO in the picture right now and you are the old stand-by. He hasn't changed at all. Run like h3ll.

I remember that Fox wrote a really good letter to her XH when he tried to be friends. Maybe you could borrow that one and give it to him.

Still, we all want that apology someday.....

((((Bugs)))))

Bugs,

You can put me on the list with the rest as having major concerns about Drac's 'intentions' . It's still ALL about him.

I see my WS in Drac....able to 'turn on the charm' when needed....which is why, with this type of WS, NOT providing an opportunity to 'turn on the charm'...is BEST!

...then again, I am not saying anything you don't already know seeing you 'process' your last interactions with him.

...know that I/WE would rather not see Bugs 'setting herself up' for more pain ...until Drac provides a clear plan on how to stop to 'unconsciously' hurt those(bugs in particular) that care about him and those he loves ...

HAPPY EASTER TO YOU TOO!

Thanks Luna, Chai, & LG!

Hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!



I could not have said it better myself, LG! That is so spot on!

I really appreciate what you wrote about me being me - -and that does not equate to not being healthy. As we all know, one of the big challenges we all face on the path of Self Recovery is figuring out what is healthy and what is not in the aftermath of the betrayal. Along with wondering if my partner 'picker' is broken, this is something that I contine to work on within myself.

Easter was good & we enjoyed good times with the family.

So realizing it's been over 2 years since the D, I think I should move from the SAA board to the Divorcing/Divorced or After Divorce Board. Please find me there!

I'll start a thread - my first Subject will be about the Drac Lair.

Hey Bugs,

I'm doing a drive by today and looking for updates.

How are you girlfriend? Let us know.

Hey Chai!

I'm doing well. On the road for work for the 8th or 9th week in a row. I'm with ya SL on being tired of flying! Wish mine included a bit of fun!

I did go to Key West on the company dime; winner of 2009 Circle of Excellence. It was amazing.

Drac and the last Ho are back together - whatever that means. Funny that they can break up because he does not want to get married, but a month later all is well? I'm just glad that I think enough of myself not to settle for that kind of relationship ever again!

Finally got some $$ that R owed me. Via his girlfriend. The one he was dating while still telling me he was shopping for engagement rings. I sent her a nice letter thanking her for the $ and wishing her the best.

She called me.

And now apparently thinks we are friends of some sort. I actually feel sorry for her. R is a serial cheater and (I think) has Border Line Personality Disorder.

The first call I got from her lasted 3 hours. She had read every email and text message between me and R. That really hurt me. The day after that call, I woke up feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. In the long run, though, I think I am better off. I heard many things that were very, very hurtful and it was somewhat like re-living both the betrayal of R and of Drac. Much harder than I imagined it would be. It took me down for several days, but am doing better.

She has contacted me again. For some reason, I feel some sort of responsibility to talk to her. She 'sees' his issues, but just like me, is in love with the man she wants him to be. The man he was at the beginning of the relationship. The man who does not exist. Tonight's call lasted an hour. Mostly she talks and I listen. She's very appreciative & although she knows it's a strange situation, she feels compelled to communicate with me. I guess I will continue to talk to her as long as it doesn't hurt me. WEIRD.

I guess I just want to help. I've learned so much here. I've learned so much having gone through these last 2 relationships, I just hate the thought of another woman out there suffering.

That is why I don't post a lot here - it's often just too hard for me. I swing through and read a few posts, but don't feel like I have the ability to really step up to help.

Am looking forward to summer. Ladybugs is playing softball again. The pool is open and the water is crystal clear,,,getting warmer everyday.

Am not dating. Most days that I would like nothing better than to have a man show interest in me, but haven't even had a wink in months. To quote Forrest Gump - "That's all I have to say about that".

It's been great to see updates from the Amigos. Love you all & think of you all the time.

Hey Bugs,

Well, I'm sorry to hear about all of the pain. You know you are better off knowing the truth.

So R's girlfriend is calling you? That seems odd to me, but you do what you are comfortable with. I would just hate for you to encounter more trouble and pain over this guy. IMO, you tell her who she's dealing with and bow out. She's a big girl, y'know. But, again, just what I would be compelled to do.

I envy the pool, and hope to get one of my own again someday. I used to love getting the water clear and taking that first dip. Even when I didn't have DS, I got that pool up and running just as soon as the weather began to turn each year...I loved it!

Take care, Bugsy!

Hey Bugs,

Good to see you back. I understand on the posting thing. I don't post much either because I don't feel like I am much help since I couldn't save my own M.

I agree with SL. I think it is weird that R's new GF is calling you. And can't believe he let her read the correspondence. That is almost as big of a betrayal as the cheating. XWH submitted one of my letters as evidence in court. It was one that Jennifer coached me to write. It was just plain cruel to do that because there was really no need for it.


Great to hear that you are rewarded at work for your performance. Just keep concentrating on you because it sounds like it is paying off big time. Remember, somedays it may not seem like it, but you are the winner here.

And Drac? He is a sorry case. He is going to hop from ho to ho, get M and D'd again a few times before he finally figures it out. What a sad life for him. Always looking for the perfect relationship that doesn't exist.

Good to hear from you. give me a call if you are in the neighborhood!! I was in your area last weekend and was going to call you, but ran out of time.