I'm guessing it was the right thing to do to resist the urge to lean over and kiss her....god it was so hard to sit beside her and smell her purfume and be that close to her...this now hurts more than when i lost my parents...just waiving in from of me.

Good job on keeping in control. At least you didn't beg her to come back. It is important to show her that you are changing. Excellent in asking her if she needed any clarification.

Don't worry about her not thinking she is doing anything wrong - they never do think THEIR affair is wrong.

I feel so bad for her, she fell last night in the bath tub and really hurt herself. Today it was so weird when in the car alone she lays back in the seat and lifts her shirt to expose her abd. and asks me to palpate her abd. because she thinks she has some swelling from her fall. So I'm not aloud to hug her, kiss, she's not "in love with me" but she asks me to touch her abd with her shirt up and pants pulled slightly down? Then I find out that because she talked to child services and got permission to let me have kids for overnights her mom told her not to bother coming back to their place...the MIL is a control freak and treats the kids as if they are hers...it's been an issue in past. Also I have had a female friend from work over who is going through a rough time herself...it's strictly plutonic...and I guess my wife mentioned it to her friend that I had a very attractive friend around and that i was always one to help a pretty girl in trouble but that she wasn't worried cause she didn't think I would do anything to ruin my chance of repairing the marriage or to get even with her. What the heck is that all about?

Be very careful with your friend. You are extremely vulnerable right now. You might think nothing will happen, but it could.

When I was in Plan B, I had a One night stand with an old family friend. And I am NOT the type to ever do anything like that. My girlfriend and I had gone to a benefit at the yacht club, and I ran into this guy. He was so kind and caring, and it felt so good to be treated well, that I did the deed with him. Ruined our friendship and made me feel like [censored]. Just a warning.

It is nice that your wife thinks so highly of you. That is promising too.

I understand and thank-you for your warning. I am learning to pay close attention to my feelings these days and make myself aware of them as to watch how my behaviour is influenced by my emotions and vice versa...part of my cognitive behaviour therapy! What do you know an old dog can be taught new tricks eh? I just feel i like i have a carrot dangling in front of me and I'm being lead around because she knows I'm anxious to fix the marriage.

It's amazing what the WW will tr yand get away with. Yet aagin, away in Toronto with the OW for an entire w/e b/c I can now have the kids overnight. Was this her real motive for getting CAS to allow me to have kids...to facilitate her affair? It's amazing how she wants ground rules as to how to work with kids, ie. planning visits in advanced and when each other will pick them up. So here I sit waiting to hear from her on when she plans on picking up the kids to spend her day with them with no idea of when she's showing up. The day is half gone so there is tons of qualtiy time left eh? God every move she does hurts more and more...when does it end!

AAAHHHHHH at what point does your spouse become so freaking stupid and is it possible for them to return to normal? Just had to speak to WW about the guildlines we set up for dealing with the kids and of coarse every excuse came out about how she hasn't stuck to them yet, but she is the one who has wanted the advance planning all along. So I kept my cool and made her plan Easter w/e and commit to a time to pick them up...of coarse she wasn't available for the friday night as she has plans yet again...must be nice to have your freedom to run around. Them my poor son and I spent 1/2hr talking on the front porch cause he's crying and upset and doesn't want to leave his house, and wants his parents back together. So I again told him this has nothing to do with him and nothing he can do to change and that i love him more than ever through all this and want nothing more than to have him live at home and have mom home too. I said that it's something that mom and dad need to work out and when mom is ready to work things out I will be there to participate. I was finally able to get him in the van, which my WW had been sitting in the whole time, when she came back into the house to ask what the boys problem was. I have never wanted to hit her before......I came near that feeling. I thought how god damn stupid are you....so calmly I said he's not happy with the situation and wants his family back together and told her what I had said to him. She them proceeded to tell me that it's ok for him to be upset but not to take it out on others like he was in the van currently. I said I agree but i had not seen that behaviour and seeing as she did that she must deal with it first hand. Of coarse i got a "thanks" and a door slam. Then when they got to my inlaws the boy ran in and locked her out of the house (hahahahah) and of coarse who does the ww call....as usual in these types of situations even when I'm at work? Me to call him and talk to him. I understand I need to parent my children equally in life but with the situation she has put him in I'm responsible for dealing with it? God damn.

You sound like a really good dad. I had posted to you earlier about calmly telling your wife you need to stick to designated pick-up times, but somehow it didn't go through.

You did really, really well in handling your son and the whole mess. I know it is hard, but just stick with the MB stuff and you will be fine.

There is nothing like a mother hearing how her affair is affecting her child, and it was done with NO lovebusters. Very good!

Thank-you for your support....I thought everyone had jumped ship! I had a great day with them yestarday at the Toronto Metro zoo for earth day! I also get them for Easter bunny night...stoked about that! It's amazing how her plans are so easily made when she can dump kids onto me now but she can't come up with plans for her own kids on a holiday.

Weekends are slow.

Your wife is behaving like a typical wayward, and that is hopeful, because the plans here will work.

I hope some of the vets here will continue posting to you. Usually we tell the BH NOT to babysit and enable the affair, but in your case I believe that the kids need one sane parent. They need to spend time with you. You would think that wife's parents would start noticing that she dumps them to go with OW and you take them to the zoo. Don't count on it.

HELP!!!! what do I do I just got a phone call the boy is tearing up the in ;aws house and kicking his mother...she wants me to go over and deal with it (the behaviour). while she did admit that it was her choice to leave she feels that we both need to deal with this behaviour. WHAT DO I DO? tell her to deal with it as it's because of her decision? or go and help?

What are you waiting for. Go take care of your kid. Go rescue

Larry

so I went ans on the way I get a call from WW freaking on me cause I was only on my way and not there and that the boy has left and walking hoe in the rain. So I found him chased him for 1/2hr through a muddy farm field to finally catch him and tell him I'm not mad. Got him now at my place to set rules down re: behaviour but feel bad as I don't blame him...still I understand not acceptable. I got blamed on the phone for apparently not parentling him and she's tired from the 18yrs of looking after everyone else? This coming from the WW who couldn't get dressed on a daily basis without asking me if she looked ok? Her helping everyone else...christ she couldn't help herself half the time.

Glad your son is home.

I agree that your wife is behaving badly.

But just wondering - earlier in your posts you said that she was no beauty. Now your are saying she couldn't help herself half the time. These are disrespectful judgments. I hope that you are not telling her these things.

I'm not sure what you mean by "no beauty" if it's about attractiveness I have always been highly attracted to my WW. As for not looking after herslef she was always very dependent on my opinion...right from what to wear, to where we wanted to go...she would never make a decision without asking me or consulting. That is all I meant by those comments. And no I haven't said anything like that to her ever. So I talked to my son about his behaviour and that it was not acceptable and was able to lay down some rules and got him back to my inlaws. My WW then wanted to talk about parenting and how we have to work together as a team if we are to work on being friends and possibly our relationship. I then stated that I was willing to work on our relationship when it included only 2 ppl. and did she want a cookie...she didn't understand and I said you won't probably for sometime. She then went on to say that I'm filling my sons head with negative thoughts about her and that's why he's acting like this. I informed her that she has always had lack of control issues and respect issues from him for some time as it is with her he only acts out and doesn't do what he's told. She then started going on about how I make them promises that they can do stuff before checking with her and finding out her plans, ie easter w/e. Which I made no plans just simply asked the kids what would be their preference of nights to stay over with me. They answered and I said I would talk with mom. Apparently that is making promises and will hurt the kids if she had already made plans and couldn't accomodate what "i had offered apparently". Well the only plans she has, surprise surprise, is for the friday night...no doubt with the OW! I'm getting tired of the blame game...does it ever end?

I see a DJ there.

How do you know she isn't able (or willing) to look after herself? Isn't it quite possible that she's more than capable, but that her primary goal was to please you? Is it possible that's what her motivation was for asking your opinion?

Yet you jump to the conclusion that she needs you to make decisions for her.

Read up on Disrespectful Judgments. They're tough to recognize but one single DJ will undo a ton of good stuff. You cannot afford *any*.

1. I'm of the opinion that as a married man you should never be in the company of just one other female. No lunches with a female. No rides or carpooling with a female. DEFINITELY no female over to your home. Groups are fine. One female alone... never! It's just a common sense boundary that you should follow. If you never take that first step, you don't ever have to worry about the ones that follow. Nor do you have to explain away anything nosey neighbors or colleagues might say.

2. You also, in my opinion (which is shared by many on these boards), should never talk relationship talk with a member of the opposite sex that is not your wife or your hired counselor. Her "tough times" are none of your business. She should find a female to confess her troubles to.

Keep a journal of how often the kids are with you and how often with their mother. Make it factual with no emotions. Also make note of times that the kids were supposed to be with their Mom but she canceled or didn't show.

Not:
Mary decided to spend time with OW instead of seeing her kids

But:
Mary canceled her day with the kids today
or
Mary showed up 3 hours late to pick up the kids


Also, since the kids' schedule is a problem, perhaps you should agree on a pickup time/place and a drop off time/place, in email, so you have something to refer back to. It's way too easy to misunderstand one another when the agreement is for "Saturday afternoon". Is that 12:30 p.m.? 3:00? 5:00? Come up with an agreed upon time and place and write it down so neither of you are confused or resentful.

I must admit I never thought of her always asking me a way of trying to please me. ihave always thought it was a dependancy thing as it is not only me that she relies on for various things but also her parents and brother. This is no lie in that her mom would be at our house 2-3 times a day on various days thruogh the week and my WW would had a very diff time letting anyone else sit our children. This was diff. for me as we paid my MIL the same as anyone else to sit our kids despite being financially stable. Not to mention that when we lived with her parents out of 1 room we paid over $600 a mth plus food. A real issue in our marriage as this was thier idea of helping us. We also had a mortgage at that time as we were renovating a home, she was working and I was working 3 jobs(it was during SARS). I feel my WW has yet to cut her "umbilical cord" as she has lied to me to protect her mom on numerous occasions as well as calls her at the drop of the hat everytime she needs something. I can see how some of her always asking me was her way of trying to please me but it drove me crazy as I strived to get her to be more independant all those years. I don't understand the single female boundry? Are you saying that no male is able to resist the urge for starting an affair while with a woman? Is there no trust in a relationship strong enough to understand that I might have friends or co-workers that are female? What about my profession? I work in a highly female dominent profession? So am I never to talk to any of them? I never have gotten into detail about my relationship issues when at work. No carpooling b/c of the threat of an affair? I have been carpooling with another co-worker, a young attractive woman, but have never hopped the fence to mow her lawn and never would for the respect of her marriage and mine. Or is it that this situation will make any woman jealous and withdraw from her love bank b/c of trying to save money on gas, etc. Thank-you for the tips on journaling. We had set up rules for picking up the kids...and I understand what we have lined out, she participated in the draft of the rules, but pulled the "trial and error" card when she didn't follow through with them and then switched to I was feeding the boy negative thoughts about her. Again she had a difficult time with the kids this AM and who gets the phone call to speak with the kids about thier behaviour even though I wasn't there.

I know what you mean by working in a field dominated by the opposite sex because I worked with all men (engineers) for years. It is very necessary to have firm boundaries when working with the opposite sex, single or married. It is fine to have work friends, but you should never reveal marital problems, listen to their marital problems, talk about personal things. Just pretend your wife is a party to the conversation and don't say or do anything that she would make her unhappy.

When someone other than your partner starts meeting your emotional needs, it is a slippery slope. And of course they will be meeting some of your ENs because your wife isn't meeting them.

We've seen lots of people here get attached to someone, and suddenly the partner wants to work on recovery. It just makes a HUGE mess. Avoid it at all costs.

Our MB men always do quite well if the worse comes to pass and they end up divorced.

Keep hanging in there and doing Plan A.

Try to show your wife the man she fell in love with.