It's said often on these boards that you cannot judge the success of your efforts by how your spouse is acting. As time goes on it becomes more and more apparent... but it's so hard to get the hang of hat in the beginning. It's human nature to do something, then look for feedback.

Try to think of a goal, like maybe avoiding AOs and meeting your W's top EN at least once per day. Then each day in the morning think about your goal maybe while brushing your teeth. Then each evening review your day and critique yourself. Then the next day do it again. Then maybe in 30 days look back and see how you think you did. Adjust your goals as needed.

If you focus on you, and your goals, and gaining control of yourself (eliminating LBs and meeting her top 3 ENs regularly) then you can move on to other parts of the Harley program and eventually all the pieces just fall into place. The point is, you focus on YOU and your behaviors, not necessarily the external feedback.

Now you are for sure in a different situation. I'm not sure how effective POJA can be with your wife. She has conditions that require things that she does not agree with, and there isn't any leeway on that.

I'm also not real sure how capable she is of working the program, but I wouldn't let that deter me. Many couples on here only have one member that buys into the methods. Those are the vast majority, in fact, so don't let the fact that you are the only one pursuing this get you down.

If you feel comfortable posting about your sessions (just the highlights, and how the Harleys address your sitch) I'm sure a lot of folks would be interested. Also, if you continue posting you'll keep getting supportive posts and that can really help when you're running low on energy. You'll have up days and down days.

Hi Turtlehead, and thank you.

Tonight I am so nervous that I am so excited that I can have Char here for tomorrow, and that when we talked tonight she wants to stay over (which is impossible) but I want to give up my resents to get her back.

It will be a quiet day but this is progress I guess.

Tom

Hi Optimism,

Just thanks. I truely apologize to you again, and to all the others here.

Ya know what I am not here to misrepresent myself or to insult others, or to make myself feel good. Yesterday I was feeling very down because of the disappointments here. It seems like one day up and another down. I have faced that many times with her episodes that did require hospitlaization, but my my reaction was just simply immature.

Opt, we have looked at adult day health, and now that is private here in IL. In the 1980's she was placed in PADS, but the funding was cut a couple of years ago. That was when out kids were ages 5 and 7 and we could go an visit her and she was safe, and also there was free counseling and also crafts, employment training, and specialized care. The cost now here is approx. $20 per hour for in-home visits. I cannot afford that.

Opt, the main problem we as a family face is that she was terminated from my contract with the condo association, and that back in 2007 she was taken off our lease for the gas incident. As much as I would just love to hold her and tell her it is going to be okay, I have learned that it is not going to be, and that there is an unfortunate history now.

Thank you Opimism,

Tom

Just an update, and I am not going to get my hopes too high as I did last time or go overboard because now I realized that this will probably take a long while.

I brought my wife home today for pretty much 7 hours so she could enjoy. It was the first time we have been out that long since two weeks ago last Sat.

She was in a very good mood. Sometimes even if I am on time to pick her up or just 5 or 10 minutes late she is in a bad mood with bawling me out by "you're late", and that mood has lasted for an hour or two.

Today several positive things:
1) she was in a good mood
2) she was affectionate and confiding especially about our kids not calling her as much
3) I did not bring up the relationship with the former resident at all - I just could not do that
4) she asked me several times to talk to the condo manager to get her one night to stay overnight - that may be a possibility with the management, but I don't think it is at this time but I am going to simply ask
5) she literally told me that we need more time together here so we can make love
6) she called our son about our invitation for Easter brunch and he actually called her back shortly after, and told her yes he wants to go with us with his girlfriend, and he even drove C back to the home this evening
7) she urged me to make an appt. with an attorney I know to start the process of switching POA from her brother..main reason is she does need someone in this area to look after her affairs. Wants me to be but I would prefer our son if he feels comfortable with that, and we will discuss at brunch. Previously she was so upset with us that she did not want to discuss.
8) We just had a relaxing day and I know she needed that. I took her on three walks around here and she felt good doing that - her knees and ankles are weak from inactivity there in the home over the winter

I do feel good, not only about how she reacted and seemed to feel, but also about that she had some time to talk to our son who sort of had been avoiding her for awhile now, and I think due to that four months of not allowing us to contact her last fall. She also talked to our daughter (out of state) at her work this afternoon and she told her mom that she would call her tonight when my wife is back.

I am not going to go overboard in thinking that all is going to be like this every day and that there still is not a lot of work to do. It was just a really encouraging and pleasant day and I am thankfull for that.

Tom

Tom:



You done good. She yells about late because she is scared. She is afraid you won't show up. Next time you are on time, tell her you almost had a wreck trying to get there on time. She will then fuss at you and tell you not to kill yourself just to be on time.

Larry

Fantastic! Good to hear it Tom

opt

Hi Larry.

That is very good. When she says that I just let her complain or just tell her that either train was late or traffic was slow.

But, that is good, and I do love to tease her. They often have fish on the menu at the home, and she is now sick of it. She was looking thru the refrigerator and freezer here today to see what I was eating. I happen to like the frozen battered fish filets, and I had a package in the freezer so I pulled it out and said that we could have this for supper tonight. I was teasing because I did have and intended to make her favorit deep dish pizza and she sort of expected that. She can still hit pretty hard because she gave me one in the stomach. And then she kissed me. It is still fun after all this time to tease.

Thanks Larry, and I think I will do that next time I pick her up or visit.

Tom

Could anyone tell me how I might change the title of this thread from the current on to something like Excited/Hopefull.

I only say that because the situations has so changed now between C and me now that I do feel hopeful. Or I am wondering if I should just start a new subject.

Thanks,

Tom

You don't have to change the title, Tom. All of these threads/stories take on new character as we develop as people. The point is that when you started you were disillusioned; okay fine, now you're feeling more hopeful and that's great.
I know the story of the threads I follow (the few, unfortunately) by their title, then I check the author to make sure -- if you change yours I might lose you, lol!

How are you doing with eliminating LB's, Tom?

~opt

Hi Optimism,

And just thanks. I'll keep everything on this thread.

Love busters, I have been conscious of those and hopefully I've learned what they are and do to deterioate a relationship and how to try to avoid them. I call her every day and see her as often as I can and for that last week she is really upbeat and open now. She seems even more so now than she was even a month ago. I know what I did in the past in my response to her not wanting to talk to me or any member of our family and just that was simply bad. I also know that I need to give her time to just not talk about that relationship without me hounding or begging her and that's what I have done. I do need to know tho but I don't care now if it takes a while longer until she feels comfortable to talk and talk about us and future

C is much more responsive now, and like we were awhile ago. She is going to be, hopefully, so happy to get her gift at Easter brunch, and that is that she so misses the cats, and I can understand, but I have taken several photos now with my cell camera, which is very new to me, and have captured some great ones. Also I took a pict, of our son and our daughter emailed me a recent one of her, and I went out to buy a collage frame and the all the pictures I am going to put into the frame and wrap it in yellow gift paper with a purple ribbon and give it to her at brunch. She is excited after I talked to her tonight, but she doesn't exactly know what pictires and frames she is getting.

There is another one, and that is an old polaroid of her at the reception on our wedding day 41 years ago. I took it in and the assistant helped me to blow this up and get a great resolution from a 2 x 2 to an 8 x 10 and I now have it framed. It even shows her hand on a railing with the wedding ring I put on her finger just a few hours earlier.

Optimism, by the way I have read most of the pages of your story. I have to say a couple of things here....and the first is that for all you have gone thru, and that you are now offering others here your encouragement that speaks volumes for you. I am not at all sure I could do what you are. And, the second, is simply that I so wish you well, and that you ae now in my prayers along with a lot of others.

Anyway, this is a busy time here now with the Easter holiday coming up and also my own personal need to honor the sunday after Easter and prepare for that.

Tom



Tom

Sounds like you are doing really well in making deposits in her love bank. Good job!

Hi again Opt,

I also am now pretty convinved that Char may get a gift for Mothers' Day that just might knock her for a loop.

We had a Smaoyed for 12 years until she died in 1999.

Well, I have pretty much decided that she might walk in here when I bring her here for Mothers' Day and see a Siberian Husky puppy sitting in the living room for her. It would be her's. Obviously she couldn't take it with her, but I could bring her up to the nursing home and she would see her and walk her when she is here. I found an ad for a female and that is good because it would be no more than 40 lbs.

It would be good for me too because of course I would have to give her primary care but I would love to walk her on the pathes here and also when she is a little older take her with me on a leash when I go bike riding and give her some good runs.

I know also from my experience with people in retirement and nursing homes that pets are good therapy and just simply stress relief for people who are confined.

Thanks,

Tom

I forgot top mention one minor detail, which I am sure my wife would tell me about, and that is how would a husky, even tho a puppy get along with the cats.

I had emailed my daughter earlier today about what I was thinking and just saw her email on that.

Well, the place is big enough, and of course there will be lost of fights in the beginning, but the cats will just have to adjust is all, with lots of attention and love for all of them. Might be a challenge but I would like to take that on.

Thanks,

Tom

Well last thought on this Opt,

I just may have to bring C here almost every day for the next year or so, so that she and the dog can really be acquainted and get to love each other.

Also, when she gets in shape, C could to some of the walking and get her exercise as well.

So I guess the more I thing of this the more comfortable I feel about it.

I am getting more excited now about this idea, because my wife and I have both had and loved animals all our lives, and that is one of her EN's, and I don't know what category you would put that in, but she does really respect people who like pets.

Tom

I love the idea of the collage this weekend. I also think the puppy is a great idea - you might want to double-check with the staff where your W is living to see what their policy is on dogs visiting. Most allow it and like to see them come visit, but I'd check to be sure.

Wonder if C would like going to weekly "puppy kindergarten" classes with the dog, and teaching it to sit, down, stay, come when called, and walk on a leash? Could be some nice bonding there and a sense of ownership. Plus it would get C out and give her a chance to socialize with some active people. She probably gets pretty darn tired of being stuck in the same place so much of the time.

Hi Believer and Turtle,

Well got sidetracked with a couple of your coherts here tho posted about the groping issue. *s*

But thank you both for your support. This is an encouraging time for the both of us I think. I honestly now do think that her affair or whatever you would call it like in a relationship with someone else is probably due to her being there. I am 67 and she is 64, but age 64 is Not old at all and to feel as confined as she most likely has I am hoping that is the reason. In addition these places do not seem to even begin to protect morality or propriety.

Anyway, yes they do allow people (relatives of residents) to bring dogs there with prior permission, which I have.

Turtle I would not get a puppy but a one-year old siberian most likely left from last year's liter from a breeder because there are some of them, and they have not been abused or left behind and simply less expensive. And before I did present the young dog to her I would have worked with her for awhile as I did with the Samoyed she brought home from a shelter in 1988 and so became a part of our family until she died in 2000.

By way Turtle I am going to make the collage and wrap her present tonight. And my second problem is how I can keep quiet about this to her. I do not even want to hint. I talked to my daughter this afternoon and she told me she thought is a really good idea too if I can take that responsilibity, which I can. In her words, she said that Mon would "go bonkers".

Anyway I did my faith things which I had planned and wanted to do which I told you about and it made me feel refreshed and good. One of the things I realized...just an internal feeling I felt earlier this afternoon on this Good Friday...and this pertains only to me...don't play games with God. This is so realistice to me Turtle that I can't explain even if you asked me to. It has to do with "if you begin to repent and are sorry to Me, then do not go out or even think of adding sin upon sin". In my case it is resentment, it is ill feelings sometimes, it is doubt and disrtust. So anyway my first day of this Novena has done me well.

Thanks,

Tom

PS and yea Trutle I am catholic! but smiling now..*S*

Tom,
I am so happy for the things you are doing for your lovely bride. You are making the best of a tough situation.
As you can see there are so many good folks living in places as "residents" who don't have the type of support and care that you are providing. Your presence there probably helps more people than just your wife, also; without you really knowing it.
Happy Easter.

~opt

Thanks Tom. I appreciate it.
~opt

Hi Opt,

Sometimes I wish that people here could really see what goes on in nursing homes. Of course I am being self-indulgent now, but I am thinking that I need to go to another support site. I realize that my situation is unusual. It is a forced separation.

Anyway, there are many people in the home who are so very nice and so very good. I've talked to many of them when I have been there, and most of all many of them are simply lonely. They are for most part really good people, and many of them have tried to help my wife. Last time I was there I got permission to come there when weather here is permitting to help whoever is interested in getting a small container garden going for the rest of spring and summer. You know, tomatos, peppers, and flowers and all. I want to do that myself here.

Problem is some of them especially some of the single men do not seem to be able to remember when THEY were married and would not do what they do now. I realize that people get lonely, esp. people who do not have frequent visitors, but for God's sake they can keep that to themselves. That so infuriates me now.

Anyway thank you OPt, I have not read your most recent posts, and but I so wish you well. I will read your more recent tonight and I promise to catch up with you.

Easter was very nice, but some things now really trouble me badly and I need to disclose and vent later tonight.

You are so much in my Feast of Divine Mercy daily prayers now Opt....if you want just plug into a seach of "divine mercy" and see what I mean from one to another.

Thanks,

Tom

Okay,

Yes Easter was a nice day for brunch with my wife and son and a conference call with our daughter.

Just briefly okay, since then.

Monday took Char out for clothes shopping for spring clothes and I spent $195 and dinner. Is fine from what I knew of then.

During that outing she told me that some guy there has been hitting on her saying "i have a crush on you". "your beaurtiful", want sex with you and all that. She told me she was offended but I just told her if she felt like that then just file a harassment compliant and do not tell me..just handle that stuff. That really upset me because I did Not need to hear that from my wife as far as she did not know what to do .

Okay last night called several times and she was out on 'ice cream social' which they simply say means that she went out to Dairy Queen with someone there. Talked to her when she got back at 6pm and after 3 hours out asked and found out that it was just a male friend and also her friend (brigdget, who is a very nice older woaman) and that is that. She didn't bring her cell phone with her. I am sorry as I told her but I am old fashioned this way and I believe that you should not go out with opposite sex even it there was a same sex friend along. I have had so many lunches with colleagues but it was mixed and totally like a larger group and just everyone knew their honesty and boudaries.

I simply need to go silent for my own sanity now and my stress and to hopefully impress on her you cannot play games. She called 15 times today and I did not pick up. Means 1) me not getting her to her scheduled dental appt. fri. 2) not visit as scheduled to the better nursing home next wed. (we had a discussion on that Monday when she insisted on trying to hide the fire and I told her just to be honest because they will check references), and 3) if necessary to protect me and my finances, my cancelation of her medical and dental insurance.

Yes I am now very resentful. That is not good and I honestly do realize that it is my responsibily to correct me. On other hand I am now going to take time for me.

Tom