I've been married for 5yrs/together for 10. Always been rocky, but tremendous love. One and a half yrs ago, I cheated online/ (never physically in person)but I realize its still considered cheating. That was the 1st time and the last time. My husband has always been very protective/jealous from day one. Has settled down somewhat, but has hot temper. I've always known all of these things/ no excuses.
So Now. We decided to work though it. We don't want to divorce. The problem= I am tormented and punished continuously.Several times a month, lasting for days each time. And I can do absolutely nothing to set him off. He will say that he thinks about it and becomes incredibly angry. And he'll say really mean sarcastic things to me... when just hours before, everything was fine! I feel like everytime I let my guard down he pulls the rug out from under me!! I will tell him time and time again that if we are ever going to make it, He has got to be willing to forgive me! I realize that its a process andthat it doesnt happen over night, but I am giving EVERYTHING Ive got to this marriage, with seemingly no progress whatsoever. He'll acknowledge that I am really trying,, but continues to torment me. I sincerely want his forgiveness. The ugly things that he says to me crush me.
How long must this go on before he forgives me or before i have a mental breakdown?

Hi courtney. How long has it been since he found out? Did you tell him or did he discover it?

It happened in the fall of 08. Lasted for 6wks. He found out at that time. I'd never done anything like it before. Ever. Now he treats me like damaged goods, never to be trusted again. But doesn't want to let go either.

I've been on the other side and I can tell you that the feelings of sadness, anger, betrayal, etc. do not go away easily. However there is an appropriate way to express those strong emotions. There is no excuse for abuse, verbal, emotional or otherwise.

Have you worked through the circumstances that caused your EA in the first place?

He'd always had a very hot temper, unwarrented irrational jealousy, (I should probably mention he is 15yrs older than me- Im 29) Mild violence and outbursts, often infront of children. Very selfish man. But I do love him so much. Discussed divorce on numerous occassions if he couldn't control himself. Love him too much to leave. Felt unappriciated, unimportant. Don't have any real friends. All I do is work and take careof our children. He is out of town a lot. I suppose I was filling a void for attention?

Have you read the articles on this site? There is a ton of great information on how to build your marriage. I'm sure some of the other folks will chime in here too and help you out. Stick around.

By the way...there is no excuse for violence.

I have read a lot of it. But I can't repair the marriage by myself. I can try to get him to read it as well, but very unlikely that he will. I've shown in every way shape and form that I am worthy of his forgiveness. I feel like he is so consumed with resentment and anger, that he may never forgive. I've been so consistant and patient. And Im soooo worn out from his everchanging highs and lows. His feelings are the only feelings that he acknowledges. And mine are trampled whenever he feels like it. Just misery.

Btw, thanks for responding. I feel like I already know whats to come, just trying to nurse what little hope I have left.

I am a betrayed spouse. And I don't even care that you cheated - I care that you are a victim of domestic violence. Please, talk to a professional. It sounds like the pressure cooker is about to blow, and you need to get some help before we hear about you on the news.

Please. Talk to someone who can help you protect yourself and your kids, then worry about your marriage.

The problem isn't your H, it is you. Until you learn to value yourself enough to set boundaries regarding the type of behavior you will accept from your H, you will remain mired in this ugly mess. And what are your children learning while this is going on?

Like others before you with the same type of problem, the issue is not your infidelity, as such. The "infidelity" has simply given your H the excuse he needs to perpetuate his actions; he is using it for secondary gain. The issue is how you are allowing yourself to be treated. As long as you believe you deserve this treatment it will continue.

Describe "mild violence". It sounds like a misnomer to me.

pk

Hi Courtney,

I have been in a similar situation and wish I had some useful advice. The only difference in my situation is that my H behaved this way before my A. I am a FWW. Did your H have this problem before your A? Sounds like he did. If so, were you two working on it and then it rebounded after your A. If progress was being made before the A, then it can be resumed. He can work on that issue while you work to repair the damage you did. Make sure your H knows all of the steps that will be implemented on your part to repair the A damage. A written plan helps a lot.

If he wasn't working to imporve his behavior prior to the A, I am not sure how much hope there is. If that is the case, you should still do everything you need to do to make amends for the A and make sure that such a violation never takes place again. But, he might not get better. If so, you have to come to grips with the situation, be the bigger person, and take comfort knowing that you will do the right thing even if he doesn't.

If I had to guess, I would imagine that "mild violence" includes punching doors and walls, beating on your vehicle whuile you are driving it, screaming very loudly? That has been my experience . . . . Having lived through it, I can tell you that I never left after any episode of "mild violence." But, you need to draw the line somewhere. My "line in the sand" (which thankfully has never been crossed) would be a physical blow to my body or face. Figure out what yours is!

Question: How long have you had daddy issues? Married to someone 15 years older reduces odds for a successful relationship.

That said an affair does not give the BS the right to punish the WS indefinitly.

You and your BH need counseling to get through this stage, post affair.

Why not give the Harley's a call. Even if BH will not partake, they can still give you help and coach you on getting him to join in at a later date.

How would your BH feel about posting here on MB with his own thread?

Yes, exactly.. holes in walls, broken various household items, screaming. That was always the case throughout the marriage. Until now surprisingly. Still the screaming, but no more broken items or walls.

I honestly don't think he would post his own thread. I think he would be mad if he knew that I did.

Courtney, under no circumstances should you tolerate abuse. There is NO EXCUSE for his abusive behavior, but are you sure you are doing nothing to trigger him? You say he is very jealous. Well, jealousy is a natural reaction to a percieved threat to the marriage. Are you actively trying to alleviate things that bother him?

Here is an article by Dr Harley about using affairs to punish a spouse - please read all the way to the bottom!:

Recovery may not be complete

Resentment usually appears when an experience of the present reminds us of a painful experience of the past. For example, if a wife had been abandoned by her husband after a fight on a vacation, left to find her way home alone from Jamaica, the resentment of that experience would pop up whenever her husband walks out the door during an argument. Very often, continuing resentment means that whatever it was that caused the painful experience is still lurking in the background. And it jumps out every once in a while when evidence of it's existence surfaces.

The procedure for recovery that I suggest usually eliminates the root causes of infidelity, and that makes it unlikely that present experiences will remind a spouse of experiences associated with an affair. If the only time you feel resentment about a spouse's past affair is when your needs have not been met, when your spouse is engaged in a Love Buster, or when the Policy of Joint Agreement or Policy of Radical Honesty has not been followed, then it's the completion of recovery that's your problem, not resentment.

Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse

I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.

By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.

What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.

I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."

My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.

Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html
Coping with Infidelity: Part 4
Overcoming Resentment

Yes, I have read that article. I can honestly say that-No, I do absolutely nothing to trigger his anger. He says that he just thinks about it all the time. and sometimes he gets incredibly angry. I could've had a phone conversation 2 hrs earlier that was perfectly normal and loving. Then from NOWHERE he'll send me a text or something saying how I betrayed him and how I could sink soooo low. and "why don't you go call your boyfriend like old times. Maybe he can comfort you". Just so unwarrented. And Im thinking- "What the heck just happened??!!!"

Courtney, have you openly answered all of his questions about your affair? Have you affair proofed your marriage so this can't happen again?

Yes. He thinks or accuses me of physical affair. And yes, completely affair proofed. he knows where I am 24 7 and thats fine with me. He can call me anytime and I will answer. If I happen to miss a call, and return it back immediately- he will comment on why. He even tells me that he knows Im not doing anything wrong..."now". thinks I'll do it again. thing is- I never did it before then, or after. And he treats me like a repeat offender waiting for my relapse. Makes me feel less of a person,unworthy.

I would offer to take a polygraph. That will make him feel better even if he doesn't take you up on it. Tell him it is so important to you for him to know the truth that you will do what it takes to relieve his mind.


It takes a long time to regain trust, though. And even then he should not blindly trust you. And you may do it again. it is not lack of trust that ruins marriages, but a lack of boundaries. It takes longer than 18 months to gain trust.

He is wrong to beat you up perpetually over your affair, but he is not wrong to distrust you. It was too much trust that led to the affair in the first place. I don't get the sense that he feels very secure about your affair proofing strategy, though. People in affairs can and DO answer their phones 24/7, it doesn't mean they are not having an affair.

Do you have opposite sex friendships? EVer go out without him?