Ned, I saw the video, too, and my thoughts were, "Why was she so closed up and not extending her hand to be shaken?"

Why didn't you shake his hand?

Wow NED, congrats. And I saw the video and thought it was GREAT!

No criticism here..it all looked good. And I wouldn't worry too much about plan at this point. It's nice to be aware of, of course, but these things have a way of sorting themselves out if you want them badly enough!

cwmi, I had already shaken his hand, before the clip started, and he was shaking more hands. I put my hands together because I don't know how does he remember which hands he'd already shaken.

Do you mean closed up or close up?

closed.

Closed up in that it looked like you wanted to fall in upon yourself. You looked happy to be there, but unsure that you deserved to be there. kwim?

Wow, that's interesting you saw all that! Thanks for clarifying. I've never been to a groundbreaking ceremony before, and was invited just so I can take pictures of DD8 with the shovel, and take her home after. I had an idea in my mind of like a store opening, with the mayor holding a big scissors. I had no idea to was going to be a media event, that our governor was going to be there, or that *every* last person was going to be in a suit but DD8 and I.

So when I got there, and everyone was dressed up, and I hadn't told to dress up, I did feel like a party crasher, not sure what to do. So then like all of a sudden I'm right there where the governor gets out of his car, and there's a TV camera, and I'm thinking, Oh, no, I'm going to ruin their photo, in a purple casual jacket when everyone is in their suit!

But I was a very proud fish out of water LOL

You did great, NEDDIE (I love the way Jayne uses your screen name, so I'm borrowing it. Hope you don't mind.)

Thanks, OH!

Hi y'all, I took a Parenting Kids in Divorce class, and they say if at all possible tell your kids about it as soon as possible and together. So they have time to adjust, and see that you two may not love each other anymore, but you both love them and are capable to look after their best interests together. H refuses to sit down with them for this talk together, even though it's 10 days and counting. He said he's not leaving, but that's alright, I am totally willing to get my own place for now. Actually if he wanted the house, I can rent or buy a condo and have a lot of money left over in this economy. And then I could get a right of first refusal if he wants to sell the house, I could buy it before it goes on the market, so that if he changes his mind, the kids can still live here. We're aiming for 50-50 custody, so they'd be here a lot either way.

Okay I got way off topic. I'm wondering, under the circumstances, if it's okay to tell the kids on my own now, so they have time to get used to the idea. DD14 knows already, but we haven't spoken to DD8 at all about this yet.

Neddie,

I don't understand about the living arrangements coming up pretty soon...what was agreed to in your separation/divorce mediation about who would live where and when?

I believe parents must have the plan before speaking with the children...we lead them...so in writing, decided long before action, we form the plan together.

Seemed to me your H and you had already done that. I think I missed the boat. And that when the agreement took effect, it would be enforceable by law?

Help me out on that before I share my opinion on when to talk to the girls, together, 'k?

LA

In my experience, that little talk was a sham, anyway. It only took a year or so to discover, once and for all, which of my parents actually still loved me and which loved only SELF.

One hint was that the parent who constantly disrupted summer visitation with restraining orders that kept me and my brother apart, that parent was not the one that loved me.

Sorry ... traumatic memories coming back up.

Oh, markos...I'm so sorry for what you had to go through going up...and wondered if that was the steel foundation for your deep commitment to your marriage?

If so, your children's grandparents gave them a great gift, inadvertently.

A lot of what we learn from our parents isn't what they thought they were teaching us...

LA

Sorry, markos, to hear about that experience. I can assure you that my kids have two parents they are very close to, and who love them very much.

LA, my lawyer is waiting on me to turn in the paperwork so he can fill out the documentation for us. The piece of the paperwork I am missing is H's financial disclosure. He says he wants to see another attorney before giving me that paper to turn in. He acknowledges that he's "been dragging his feet." We have no legal separation in Florida, so my plan was to have this drawn up now, separate according to the plan, and then execute the divorce (it's called a dissolution of marriage here) in a year's time.

H said he was on board with this, but then said no, the lawyers he spoke to said he has been told he should go straight to divorce, so he wants to turn the paperwork in and then execute (file) the papers immediately. I thought on it, and I'm okay with that. He says it's for his mental health, too, and being that his father committed suicide, and his brother threatened it, if he says this is what he needs, then I'm plenty okay with it. I don't really have hope that separation would do anything for us, anyway. If I had hope that it would help us, maybe I would be less okay with filing for divorce.

You know I have been trying to keep this as amicable as I can. Maybe he is, too. I understand that it would make sense to have the legal details worked out before talking to the children. But if he's not out on the 31st, I will be, so I do think it was time to talk to the kids. And I did, and they are okay. I am going to the lawyer's office tomorrow, to prepare my backup plan, what if he doesn't fill out his piece, because it's time for me to move on with this. I've spent as much time as I was willing to trying to make plans with H and stick to them.

LA, I don't know if that was still unclear. In January, I told him, I have to move forward, and he said, come up with a plan. I did, that I would keep the house, and give him in return a bigger portion of the savings, and this he was on board with. He added that he wanted 50-50 custody. So I made the appointment to see the lawyer, but he needed some information from us to put the paperwork together,including our previous years' tax returns, a listing of assets and liabilities, our costs, and a parenting plan. This is a prepaid attorney, from a prepaid legal plan offered where I work. Since we were doing this amicably, my lawyer would prepare the paperwork, and out of pocket all we would have to pay for would be for H to have an attorney looking for his interests to approve the plan as well.

I went back with my forms filled out, and but the lawyer said that he also needs H's financial disclosure. I asked if I could fill it out for him, and he said no, that this is something for H himself to fill out. I didn't ask, well what if he refuses, because I didn't see that coming. H said he would fill it out, but hasn't. He acknowledged last week that he has been dragging his feet, that he will speak to a lawyer again and if they say it's okay, he will fill it out.

I will find out what the rest of my options are. But if this goes from amicable to contested, and H doesn't leave willingly, I am not going to live here while I wait for the outcome.

I was very excited and hopeful thinking this was coming to pass at the end of this month, but I didn't get my paperwork in in time, and my lawyer is in court until the end of next week. I went by last week, and I couldn't get an appointment until April 4th.

H last week took a temporary consulting position in Port St. Lucie, 100 miles from here, M-F, starting Monday, and will be back the weekends. This position is through the end of April, and H says to give him till them to get used to the idea of moving, that the being gone M-F will help him with this and then he will go. I was really upset and angry and disappointed, and had a hard time getting past the stewing and was thinking I could still be separated by the end of this month, by getting my own apartment, month to month, until H left. I could stay in the house with the kids M-F, and then go to the apartment on the weekends. I called a friend in Alanon, the Family Law attorney who recommended my lawyer, and he said it would be a bad move to get my own apartment. That it may look like I'm just throwing money away, and not stable.

If H and I are settling this amicably, what matters is what we agree on, not what it may look like to an impartial person. But this has been a humbling experience, and I get it that I need to watch my assumptions. I don't know whether we will be successful doing this amicably. So okay, I will wait and be patient through this process.

I'm doing okay with Plan A. Once I got past my upset, I can see that there are silver linings to this extra time together, plenty to be grateful for in today, even if it wasn't what I planned. I am grateful that we get along well, and grateful I have support that is second to none.

*hugs*

I think it is wise to not assume it will stay amicable. There's no telling how he will react if he's trying to postpone it indefinitely and you enforce boundaries he dislikes.

Yay for looking for the silver lining!

Other options... hmmm... maybe you could use this time to "ease in", to make the transition less disruptive for the kids? I really am not an expert on how best to present it to the kids, I'm just throwing some ideas out there. Perhaps something like, you could consider the weekends as his "visitation"? And you could sleep in separate bedrooms, or maybe you could go stay with a friend or something for a night or three, if you are comfortable leaving him in charge of the kids for the night.

I am comfortable leaving him in charge of the kids, and I do think this can make for an easier transition for the kids, something they are used to, their Dad being gone all week. One of the positive things that working MB has done for the kids is create more thoughtful routines. The last time that their Dad was traveling, late 2008 and early 2009, he started calling the house, talking to me and the kids, in the morning and evening, and when he didn't call, his phone was on so we could reach him.

I had also thought about going to stay with my brother on the weekends, not because I think it would be easier on the kids, but because I was so full of anger, that H would go for the week and then come back as he pleases. He's agreed he wants to be the one to move, why not go now? Why drag this out like this, when I've been beyond patient and fair? Again I can back up and stop crossing those boundaries, stop trying to figure out why he does what he does. The skills I learned in calmer times, I'm using my darnedest to practice here, not let this anger grab hold of me like this, take it as a signal, but then let it go. One day at a time, I'll give it a shot. Make another thoughtful request of myself.

jayne, I think you overestimate what I can do without creating resentment for myself. Maintain a beautiful home for him to enjoy on the weekends, while I go stay on my brother's or friend's couch. I'll take it as a compliment

I don't understand why he's dragging this out either - did I miss something?

You are handlingthis so well though. You seem so strong and so calm.

He says he still thinks that I'll "come to accept him as he is." He says if I just take a step back and see how much has changed, like he acts a lot more respectfully now, that I'll be willing to accept the rest, like his drinking, which isn't at a problem level for now. I understand his opinion, and I guess if he came here, he'd be given the "men, don't leave your homes!" advice, too. But I've already done an extended Plan A; I don't think more time is the answer.