As an update, the paperwork is with my attorney now, I have an appointment a week from Tuesday to sign it, that I'm trying to get sooner.

L, I wanted to share, I project some of my concerns onto you. I gave until my LB was empty. Now, that we're getting paperwork ready to file, my H is making the changes I always wantd, but where my LB$ is, I've given up on "us," I'm not going to trust that they'll be lasting changes. Cause and effect. I wish that I'd separated way back, when I had a lot more love left for him, and would have been heartened more by his changes. The best I can do at this point is to continue on to Plan B and protect what little positive feelings I have left for him.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this, NED. My heart hurts for you. Don't worry too much about me. Sometimes my posts come across as desperate, and at that moment they are, but I try to keep my eyes on myself and the big picture most of the time.

Oh, no, don't hurt for me, my kids and I have a better future, one that fits us better, than we have had in a long time. I was thinking today, and since my H and I have been together, we moved at least once a year until I got here to the board. You can imagine how hard it was to provide stability for our kids in a situation like that. So right away, POJA helped us.

I feel like I should be posting more, because every day is like another Aha! moment for me. I am seeing more and more how my own fear has held me back, not just in my marriage. I'm not saying like all-or-nothing, that I lived in a tiny box, I'm just saying I see more and more places where I can hand over my worries in faith.

And I'm picking up more and more on how I close folks out when they share their stuff with me, not just H, when their words don't fit with how I would like to see things. What a freedom, to let that go. My daughter is going through a stretch of unbelief right now, and I'm okay, I understand that this is between her and her Higher Power, not some box that I have to make more appealing so she will be willing to get back into. I have a real sense of peace that she will have that close relationship again, when it's time, I don't have to force it.

My company I work for has been bought out, and we don't know yet how many will be laid off, and what the criteria will be to see who stays and who goes. I just last month satisfactorily finished a 90 day probation for poor performance, so I think I would be on the list of more likely to be let go. So I'm looking for other work; I've always heard it's easier to get hired when you're already working. H was really really mad at first that I'm looking locally as opposed to "somewhere he can find work." Oh my goodness, I was willing to really hear him, acknowledge his concerns, and not take them on as my own. I felt closer to him for sharing with me instead of mad that he felt that way. This MB stuff, O&H, really does work when we're willing to listen!

Ned, you confuse the heck out of me. What do you mean by "What a freedom to let that go"? It sounds to me like you're saying that you don't care how you shut people out when they don't fit with how you see things. Which sounds to me like you are advocating not caring about people other than yourself.

Does your husband know you're getting divorced? Have you actually done anything toward that? From what you've posted lately, I imagine the man is rightly confused about the future.

Wow I can see how that could easily be read as the opposite of what I meant. I'll try again.

I recognized a coping skill that I had that doesn't fit anymore. I saw myself not believing that folks meant what they said, when they said things that don't go along with what I think. For example, my job has become unstable, so I was looking for work locally. My H got mad that I was looking for local jobs. Instead of being angry that he felt that way, and trying to tell him that no, what I am doing is supposed to make sense to him, I accepted that he has every right to feel that way about it. That I don't have to try to "fix" or "own responsibility for" his feelings, because everything is fine, folks see things different ways, there is nothing to be upset about. So I actually felt closer to him, and thanked him for sharing with me, and I really meant that.

I absolutely care about other folks, especially my stbx. And I can care for him better by listening to what he is saying, than thinking that he is mistaken and I need to straighten out what he said.

I totally advocate care for a spouse in marriage. Right now, I have a foot out the door, so I don't feel a need to POJA looking for local work, when I may be out of work soon. If I thought I had more time to look for work, like if I felt reasonably sure that my job would be stable until the divorce went through, that would be different, and then I would be willing to wait before looking for work, because I'm still trying to finish off in Plan A, and part of Plan A is to *not* do things that your spouse isn't enthusiastic about.

Yes, my H does know we are getting divorced. We are still doing things together as part of an effort to stay in Plan A until I switch to plan B when H moves out. I have taken action. I got an attorney, who wrote the paperwork, but then H's attorney wound up redoing it, but that's done now. I'm just waiting for my appointment with my attorney, so I can sign it, and we can file. Then the dissolution should be granted 10 days from the filing date.

I hear you, that Plan A can also be confusing while going through the divorce process. I made the best decision I could with the information I had. I could have moved out with the kids, but I would have risked losing the house, and I wanted to stay here with the kids to give them stability. And I think an in home Plan B would be very hard, I didn't know anyone who had done a good one that I could look to for guidance. Everyone who I know who had tried it said it is difficult to execute well.

Does that make more sense?

I have some thoughts on the perogi thing if you're interested. I think "the truth" for your H is a fluid thing, and he can like something one day, and dislike it another day. And then wind up in the uncomfortable position of having to explain himself, so he gets nervous and lies, and then lies more to cover the initial lie. My DD9 is developmentally at a stage where truth and fantasy are fluid, and I see her struggle, and I tell her, "I know it's hard when you say one thing, and then remember that's not right. Do you want a do-over?" It allows her to share what is true, without feeling like she is bad or wrong. Even as an adult, I can remember things wrong, too, like put too much water in the rice, and then remember no, that's *not* how much water goes in the rice, and I have to take the extra water out.

I still don't really understand how your H could have that kind of misunderstanding about where you would search for work. (good luck to you, btw) Have you reached agreement on who stays in the house? Is it you? Was he just 'reaching'?

That's funny, comparing my H to your 9yo. Funny accurate.

Wow, CWMI, you are so on target. That is *exactly* what I was saying. That I used to get angry and frustrated because I didn't understand how my H could say these things. Like, in my mind, to me that would be like if I handed in my resignation at work, and they said, "Oh, NED, since you're not working this position now, would you be interested in this other position we have listed? It pays half what you make now." Like it's comical from a distance.

Yes, I think he was "reaching," and at the same time, I think for so many years, that I would do almost anything to get off his "hit list" (you can add an S to the beginning of that), so he thought it was worth a shot. That's exactly what he said the next day, that he wasn't going to flood me with emails again, but that he'd "had to give it a shot" the day before. This is what he considers "working on the marriage," negotiation with his Taker at the table. Which is great as long as it doesn't move from negotiation to being angry.

Yes, from the beginning of this, our plan was for me to stay in the house, with the kids. Because H doesn't have local work yet, so we didn't want the kids to have to get used to a new place while the family home sits empty.

I'm glad you liked that story about my DD, did it help you feel any closer to your H? Have you read the LB book chapter on the "stay out of trouble" lying? I'm thinking there must be some end-of-the-chapter exercise for that? My guess would be it involves you adding to a list as they happen, and share them at a neutral time like once a week, either just the two of you, or with Steve. LA recommended to me Between Parent and Child by Hiam Ginott, and it's great not just as a parenting resource, but also on how be more approachable for our spouses.

I have a court date for the Dissolution, Thursday the 21st. I am sad but relieved too.

I talked to a friend offline, who suggested that I consider keeping a strong Plan A, not stepping back, as I'd been doing some. So that I can make sure I get all the lessons I was to get from my marriage.

And that part, the making attempts to spend time together, was good. I'm more detached, like LA used to remind me, Separate and Equal.

last Friday was my birthday, and in the morning, I closed on my refinance. H arranged to sign his papers like an hour before the closing, so we wouldn't have to be in the room at the same time. Getting in the car alone to go, when big financial stuff we've always done together, hurt so bad I got carsick, had to stop at the side of the road, a few times, I was late. I went from renting a room in a house to getting married, had never done any of these big things without my H, walking through it together.

I know it's not all-or-nothing. I'd done things like decide where to go to school, got my first car, signed my first lease, before H, and didn't feel like, Oh, this being alone thing is so bad, I need someone watching out for me, then. After 15 years married, having two kids, taking a lot of big steps since then, I would think I'd be more confident now than I was then. I guess more practice being patient.

The last year has felt like such a relief, all the way, when I thought about not being obligated to make it work with H anymore. Like the big stamp that said "FAILURE" was washed off. So I'm not sure why at the end here, when he's still in the house part of the week, what was so sad all of a sudden that wasn't a month ago.

So taking the time to do some things together, that helped, last weekend. Kept me busy. Plan to do the same this weekend.

Good luck tomorrow.

Thanks, CWMI. It went without incident. H is still here, but I have a friend whose daughter has a furnished place he's looking at renting. And he'll be working in town the next two weeks; I think that'll make it easier on the kids.

A little update, B moved out, without incident, yesterday to be exact. I guess to say I'm not really good at Plan B is an understatement. I invited him and his family over here to have Thanksgiving with my family, and some friends, the same as every year. Trying to keep things the same for the kids. Not sure what to keep, and what to toss for the time being.

"A little update, B moved out, without incident, yesterday to be exact. I guess to say I'm not really good at Plan B is an understatement. I invited him and his family over here to have Thanksgiving with my family, and some friends, the same as every year. Trying to keep things the same for the kids. Not sure what to keep, and what to toss for the time being."

Plan N

N as in nothing

"A little update, B moved out, without incident, yesterday to be exact. I guess to say I'm not really good at Plan B is an understatement. I invited ___________________ and his family over here to have Thanksgiving with my family, and some friends, the same as every year. Trying to keep things the same for the kids. Not sure what to keep, and what to toss for the time being.


Start of plan B

There's always tomorrow.

Thanks! You're right. "Keeping it the same way for the kids" is kind of an excuse, they didn't ask me to do this.

My day was shot and killed yesterday. He was delivering mail on his route, as usual, when someone shot him multiple times in the chest, took his mail truck, and dumped it a block away. There is an investigation to find out who did this.

My stepbrother is just 13. I can't imagine, him growing up without the Dad he had his whole life.

If you google "mail carrier shot," that's him. Any thoughts and prayers appreciated.

Oh no!!! I'm so sorry, ned.

I'm so sorry NED. What a shame. You are very much in my thoughts and prayers today and I pray you and your family will find the strength to make it through this tragedy.
Light and Love to you my friend,
Optimism

Thanks, guys, I appreciate it.

I'm so sorry NED, my condolences and prayers for your family.

Travis

Thanks, Travis.

B has been a rock for me. He left to fly cross country to LA Monday morning, got the news Monday afternoon, got on a red-eye that night, and was back to take care of the kids Tuesday morning. He even offered to stay with us, so I could have the kids close by. I didn't expect to have that kind of support, and am grateful for it.

The whole thing is still just so unbelievably sad. They're still investigating, but even with a 25K reward, no leads yet.

My Dad was such a warm, friendly guy. Here's what two folks posted about him