As a repeated BS of EA's from my WW and prone to angry outbursts, I can somewhat sympathize with both you and your husband. I've always prided myself on the fact that I don't get angry very easily, but the EA's that my WW has been involved in kinda of broke the my pride in that area. I would get extremely angry and take it out on WW. Never physically, just a lot of screaming and belittling. One of the things I didn't realize until now, was that I never really forgot about the EA's, and every now and then the memories would come back and I would get angry again (not as angry as when I discovered them), but instead of talking to my WW, and telling her that I had been thinking about the EA and how it was making me feel I bottled it up. The problem with that was that when doing that I would unknowingly start to emotionally distance myself from her, and start regressing into a depressive state that would cause me to say and do things that would hurt her, which would lead to another EA and another angry out burst.

It wasn't until I really hit a low and became seriously depressed that I realized what was happening. I sought help from my doctor who put me on some anti-depressants and referred me to a counselor. I've been able to work through these issues now and I feel I can better connect with my WW. Though, for me it might be a little too late to save my marriage (time will tell). My wife noticed the depression, but never said anything to me, which is why this continued on for so long. My suggestion is that you recommend your H go see his doctor and/or a counselor/phsycologist to work on his anger issues to help him cope with the EA. Explain to him that his anger and abuse is unhealthy and that for your marriage to move on he needs to seek help. At the same time, you may also want to seek counseling as well to determine the what caused the EA so that you and your H can make changes to not allow it to happen again.

You basically broke his trust in you and trust is a foundation in a marriage. It takes time and a lot of work to rebuild that trust. My WW and I are having huge issues with trust right now, which makes our reconsiliation difficult. I don't trust her to be "faithful", she doesn't trust me that I've changed and have accepted and worked on my anger issues.

It will take time, and like other have said, read the MB articles, books and create a plan of action and follow it.

Courtney, to be clear. It is bad to beat you up for having an affair. It is not BAD to distrust you. The lack of trust is a rational response to an affair.

I have no friends at all. Unless you count coworkers- 4 women. and no, I never go out, or anywhere else for that matter expcept work, store, daycare. If Im not at work, Im with our children. He is the one that is out of town a great deal. At least 2 wks per month.

Has it ever occurred to you to check on what your H is doing when he is out of town? Is he completely transparent in his actions? For example, do you have access to his cell phone/bills? How much do the two of you do together?

pk

Oh man. You need to do some sleuthing. Traveling jobs are an invitation to an affair.

And abuse can be a result of the abuser's cheating. They do it to convince themselves that the BS is such an awful spouse that the abuser deserves the "right" to cheat.

I'd be snooping, too!

ourtney

Not to distract from all the other points made, I would like to go back and revisit what MelodyLane posted about abuse.

Point blank, you are being abused.

You can look it up for yourself by web searching for the duluth wheel of abuse.

He is using your "Affair" to control you, period. I will not speculate why that is, there are too many reasons why someone abuses another person, especially in a marriage. Read what PK has to say, she is real close to what is really going on rather than what you are telling yourself.

Do you have a rescue plan?

If you don't know what I am talking about, call your local shelter or the abuse hotline at (800) 799 SAFE (7233). Do it as soon as you can. Tell them just enough to help you work out a RESCUE plan. Please.


If you do not get the tools you need to help you through this crisis in your life, it will not get better. So long as he can use your "Affair" to control you, he will. He will do it because it works. He will do it because there is something inside of himself that drives him to do it. He needs help.

And so do you. By "Tools," I mean a better understanding of who you are, why you do what you do, and who he is and what is eating on him. I would bet it is not the "Affair." Guys like he is seldom think in terms of emotional affairs, in my opinion.

Think about it. Keep posting. This place is technically called a peer forum, where the collective wisdom can help you. This is not as good as a full blown professional who knows what they are doing, but those types are few and far between. Dr. Harley's coaching center is staffed by professionals who really understand and if you can afford it, think about that at some point.

Larry

In his line of work, I have very little knowledge of what he does or where he goes dieting the day, or who he's with. He also has multiple phones, provided by his job- to which I have no access. And he has even said in anger that he should get a free pass, but swears he never has, because "he's loyal, and I wouldn't know anything about loyalty".

I completely understand what you guys are saying, I do realize that trust takes time. But before that can even happen, he has yet to forgive. He says hewants us to stay together and work through, but I'm the only one working here. And having to deal with his nasty outbursts all the while. I've been so patient and understanding and I just keep taking it. So 18 months out- still waiting for the forgiveness..??

Melody and Larry and everyone else who posted-

Thanks for all the info and suggestions. Last night I researched on emotional/verbal abuse. And wow... I mean I knew it was possible, but was like I was reading about my marriage specifically. For years and years, control issues, that I always referred to as jealousy. No skirts, no cleavage (not even close)no going to the pool with kids without a brief rundown of who else was there. Putting down anyone I may have considered a friend/coworker. Keeping our children out of the local baseball league because one of the coaches happended to be an attorney that I had spoken to several years back.

Shortly after the EA, for several weeks, he would tell me I needed to get on my knees and ask HIM for forgiveness, and by HIM, I don't mean God.

The list goes on and on....Now with the constant tantrums and belittling. The extreme emotional highs and lows have been so surreal to the point where I feel absolutely stunned sometimes. And often ask myself why I continue to have that exact reaction every single time? Why is that? Why cant I predict it and control myself by now??

I thought for the past 18 months I just needed to "take it" and hope that with patience, forgiveness may come, and the punishing would subside.
So- What now?? If I still want us to recover from my EA, but he is still punishing me relentlessly- and if should not tolerate it, does that mean I should leave him?

Courtney,

I went through the EXACT SAME type of abuse during the dating phase of my relationship with my H and into the engagement phase. Most ladies would have walked, no ran, away from a situation like this. But for some reason I was deeply in love with this man and felt that he was a diamond in the rough. But the abuse got worse and worse until I got enough respect for myself to say "I love you but I can't be in this situation. I'm gone." Guess what? The abuse almost completely stopped and we got back together. You need to decide if you respect yourself enough to not be in an abusive situation. If you do, it doesn't mean that you don't love your H. It doesn't let you off the hook for making amends for your A and becoming a better person. It just means you can't expose yourself to the abuse anymore. Maybe then, your H might say "Wow. I want to be with this woman and see that I can't be with her if I abuse her." If he doesn't say it, at least you'll know you can move forward in life still doing the best YOU can do since YOU are the only person you can control.

In addition to hope, I guess I would refer to my plan as living every single day as an open book. I generously offer any info that he could possibly want- in advance- as far as schedule, when where who what and why...even how... I gladly answer any questions he may have. He has every password that I have. Full access to my phone records whenever he wants. And I do it all with a smile on my face and patience and hope in my heart. If I try to talk to him about his behavior, or about the sheer possibility of him giving me the benefit of the doubt, he shuts down- blows me off, or gets even more angry.
Is it not contradictory for him to say that he wants this to work, and not get D, but then do absolutely nothing positive to help that happen???? It's like he's just standing still - like oh well... Whatever... "it is what it is" ... So..how is THAT telling me he wants our marriage??? With no effort whatsoever on his part?