Two years ago my wife and I moved away from our home state for new career opportunities. Mine fizzled out quickly and she found her dream job. Yet we were both very home sick. I ended up working a job that kept us on opposite schedules. Leaving her home alone most evenings during the week. Three months ago we finally made the decision to return home. She would have to leave her job but, at least we'd be back home. It was a staggered move. I returned home to save our house and she was to return six months later. We are four months into this separation period and a month ago I discovered she has been having an affair for the majority of the time she has been there without me. She can't admit to a sexual affair and claims that she will no longer speak to the man I've discovered. But, she will no longer allow me access to her bank records, phone records, emails etc. We started counseling via webcam but, she can't determine if she wants to work on the relationship. She tells me she doesn't know if she is in love anymore. I have been trying to address, and repair our marriage for about a month now and have gotten nowhere with her. I've made the mistake of promising the world and my commitment to her. Now I let her go. Told her I love her,and that I always imagined that we were so good and strong together that we could get through anything. told her it would be ok and that if she wants a life without me or with someone else, I can't keep her from that. It's killing me. She is the love of my life. What else can I do to rebuild our once almost perfect marriage. we've always been great together, best friends etc. help!

Hey emptie.

A few quick questions.

How long have you been married?
Do you have children?
What do you know about the OM?
Do they work together?
Is he married?
How did you discovery her adultery?

Based on what you have said, there is no reason at all to believe that this adultery is really over.

we have been married for almost six years. No kids. I know nothing about the OM. she tells me he is unemployed and older and that's she's not interested in him but, I discovered him by chance from her phone records online. She had been making and receiving short two and three minutes calls to him about 5 times a day. They do not work together. I believe they met in a club. she had recently been going to clubs with her single friends.

Does she know that you found this info via the phone records? If not, do NOT tell her you are looking at them. You need to start snooping. Does she have Facebook? Does he? Is he married? Any kids?

she knows how I found out. I made the mistake of being honest about what I found. She then locked me out of the account. I can't snoop any further. Prior to the discovery. I had some suspicions and found a few unrelated things in her email and facebook messages. Nothing from the OM though. just somewhat flirty stuff from a couple old friends. But, I should mention that I discovered her sharing her bed with an old friend for two nights whom was passing through town. Again she claimed no sex. she was in the process of moving in with a girlfriend for a couple of months prior to the move home.I knew he was stopping by to help move. she told me he would be staying in a hotel and that everything except a few boxes were moved. Yet when I found the lie, I found nothing had yet been moved including the bed. She tried to hide it and made up some lies about where she was. I don't know who my wife is anymore.

This:

But:

Does not add up.

What keeps you from getting on a plane and finding out what is really happening?

I flew out there once so far this month. Money keeps me from going again. And what's that going to do except frustrate her?

That's not a believable story.

So you are dealing with one or perhaps two OM(s).

Have you searched for OM (1) through his phone number?

Do you have a name?

Was this before or after D-Day? If after D-day what did you two do?

There are way too many red flags in what you have posted to not conclude an active adultery. And it has clearly been sexual. If all the information you know about these OM have been from what your wayward wife has told you then it is all a lie.

Your best bet would to be to hire a PI and get everything you need to know about the big secrets in your life. Unfortunatly 100% of everyone I have recommended this to here have opted out due to money. I consider it an investment in my recovery whether it would be marital or just personal.


What about you? Are you frustrated? Are you angry?


This can't be fixed or understood from 2,000 miles apart through a web cam.

It's just me but I would scrape the money together for a PI or a ticket and show up unannounced and see what's really going on.

I am sorry you are here. Adultery sucks.

I know what's going on. I know she is lying. I can see the red flags and I know nothing is adding up. i was out there after I discovered the OM (1) and we started our therapy. I questioned her if there was someone else in her life. Of coarse she said know but, her body language told me another story. After discovering OM(2) she told me they just talk. But, the phone calls were only 1 to 3 minutes long. I don't know about you but, conversation usually talks more time than that. I know those are "I'll see you in a few minutes" phone calls. My real question is. what do I do now? Though she has been caught and confronted she still denies it and says she doesn't know if she is love anymore. I've told her if she doesn't want to be in my life anymore, I'd let her go. And told her I love her. So now what? I'm hoping that she will begin to miss me and call but, is there something else I can do? I don't need an investigator or to learn anymore than I know. I know there has been an affair. Next time I talk to her, do I reminisce about one or two of our good times and plant the seed that she fell in love with me for a reason? And that I used to fulfill all her needs. How fo i go about this?

I guess that is why I would want the smoking gun of proof. You know, but you don't have proof. She will likely deny forever if you can�t get something undeniable.

But��

You also need the information on the OM (s)(could just be that first guy I am thinking) to find out what kind of an exposure target he is. It's honestly best if they (OM's) are married.





If I read you right they were still in daily contact until she changed locked you out of the phone account. Contact = Continued Affair.

Your 2,000 miles away, she is a wayward in total mindset and has no accountability for her time or whereabouts.

Get the book Surviving an Affair immediately.

Read here about Emotional Needs, Love Busters and Plan A.

What�s you situation and standing with your in-laws and your parents?

You know emptie, your situation is a tough one being separated by such distance. I think you should get a phone session with the Harley�s as soon as possible.

They could help you launch a real plan of attack.

In the meantime get Surviving an Affair and read it as soon as possible. It may even be at your library.

My standing with the in-law is fantastic. Actually, I think I made a huge mistake. I talked to them about what's going on as soon as I found out. I was a sobbing mess. They are in denial about this. they believe that what she is saying is true. but, she is their daughter and they love her blindly. The first OM I'm not too concerned about (well a little) they have been friends for about 15 yrs. and have been intimate prior to my wife and I meeting. he lives in another state and is experiencing marital problems of his own. OM(2) on the other hand, I don't know much about. I only have a first name from the revers phone search I had done. It is a prepaid phone. I believe he is married though. My wife has explained that she only talks and texts him (yeah right) because he is going through the same thing she is. I don't know what that thing is. So I'm assuming he is married but, have no real way to know for certain.

You must track him down.

Yet another reason you need the smoking gun.

how do I track him down? I've got nothing but a prepaid cell number and a first name. i can't afford an investigator. do I really need to do this?

Needless to say her parents are already upset and speechless about this but, are having a hard time dealing with it. I believe they know but, have a hard time excepting that their daughter would or could do this. i was in the same boat for awhile.

Emptie,

Ok let's start with this: Emptie She will not be able to commit to you until the affair is over. Counseling is a waste of time while the affair is going on.

You need to expose her affair to family and close friends that might have some influence on her thinking. When we say expose the affair we mean tell family what is going on and ask for help in supporting your marriage.

I would rathersee you hire a PI where you are than spend the money on counseling while she is in the affir. The exception is if you are willing to speak with the Harley's they will give you a plan.

I will say that a good PI should be able to take the phone number you have as well as details you know of your W's normal activities and find out very quickly what is really going on.

Given that there has been another OM, a real big issues is your W's boundaries and what she considers her marriage vows to mean. This is NOT your fault, all you are seeing are the result of HER decisions. You need to understand that.

Please read the articles here see if you can hire a PI it will be chearper than divorce as well counseling when she is finally confronted with real data. Until the affair is actually ended there is little you can do but gather data and hang on.

Pleaes think about this.

God Bless,

JL