@ Larry

Thanks for the enlightenment. We had our coaching last week.

I felt that it was kind of open because, I ended quite confused and the coach told us that if there is no trust in this relationship, the marriage will not go on and will not survive. He even foresee that maybe in how many weeks, we will separate. By the way our coach is a guy. And last time he suggested me to see a woman coach if I wanted to talk for a one - on- one session. But I insist that I will talk to him first and if he sees that it's not helping me then I should see a woman coach.

On our last session, we were asked what can we do in order for us to gain that love again. I said he should learn how to respect my feelings and listen to it, by not judging what my ideas are before he finish listening to how I feel. And he should trust how I will react, and don't hide things from me.
When he asked by the coach, he said he can't do nothing more, because he's out of his wisdom and he give everything and he did his best and he don't know what to do, because he said I'm on my own world now. And this lying thing of him and his best friend is already fix on my mind and he can't change it anymore. He said if I go on like this, then he don't know what to do anymore. He even included my family.... He told our coach that he loves my family very much, and when we were in our holidays, he was standing there for me whenever I processed some of my papers in my country like my driving license, and he even brought a refrigerator for my family and he also fixed our faucet at home. He said he don't understand why I can't see that he loves me so much. And why I'm always seeing his negative ways :-(

On our last fight, he told me why I can't just forget the past and accept it and try to learn to forgive and focus on the future. He also even told me that we have to talk with the coach how can we have a separate holidays next year, because for him its really a big problem right now that he can't go on holidays with his friend. He felt that I'm controlling him and he said he's not my pet. He told me that he loves me but it seems I am not seeing it.

I don't understand it seems what's important for him right now, is the holidays next year with his friend. And they are going to go back again in Phuket. He said that he had a great time with his friend last year. He also told that to our coach. And the coach tried to explain to me that there is actually nothing wrong if couples go on holidays separately. And I just have to trust him. The coach said that the problem right now is trust and me not liking his friend. He even told our coach that he only has one friend and he can't exchange that to anything.

By the way on our fight last February when I saw him how he hide his emails from his friend, because they were writing during the office hours, the coach read the emails they were writing, and he said he was kind of irritated by it because it seems the bonding of them is very close. The coach asked me if I suspect that one might be a homosexuall. I said I can't say but their bonding is very confusing. And the friendship they have. When they write emails to each other, one can feel that it's only them who understand those writings. I never seen him like that before. If a friend says something its like his worshipping the friend by speaking so soft and very friendly to him. I don't want to think like that because I can't believe that my husband will have a feeling to his single friend. But I remember that my husband shared to me when we were still getting to know each other that he once had an experience with a gay. He had a neighbor when he was a kid, and they tried it one time because they were curious. I don't know how many times they tried it but he said at the end he told the gay friend of him that he's not gay and he don't want to continue with it. Of course I believed him, because I appreciated his honesty of sharing this kind of personal things.

When the coach told him that the mail was kind of irritation because it shows that somehow they might be a homosexuall relationship he said its not true. He's also doing that to other of his friends.

Now we're trying not to talk those things anymore. We've been doing good since last sat evening. But I still feel scared of what's going to happen. He's very firm with his decision to go back again to phuket on a festival event with his friend. he told the coach that by doing that, you can tell if you will miss your spouse or not.... which sounds for me a lame excuse?

Why he should think like that?...

I'm not really sure what to do anymore?...
Please help...

You do NOT have to "just trust" this coach. Fire him and get another. This one does not know what he is doing. Holidays and vacation times are the relaxing, fun times in our lives. They should be spent with the people we want to be close to. Simply going on vacation together builds happy memories that include whomever you went with. That should be YOU, not some friend.

The problem is trust, yes, but it's not that you don't trust your H. It's that your H is doing nothing to earn your trust. Trust is not given away for free. It is precious and must be earned every day.

If your H only has one friend, he needs to get more friends. He also needs to get rid of this friend because this friend is toxic to your marriage.

Fire this coach. He is going to destroy your marriage.

@turtlehead: I don't know what to say anymore :-(

I will have a one-on-one talk with him in 2 weeks.
My husband said that he's doing everything for us. He said to me that it seems this therapy is not helping me, because I'm still acting the same and it didn't change since the last 4 months. He said if I'll continue to be like this, our marriage will not work. Then it's better to separate :-( he only needed that I should trust him. He always emphasized that, he is doing everything to us. And why am I not seeing it, why I'm only seeing the negative of it.
Is it a man's way of saying they don't want to work on with the marriage anymore?
For me he's kind of threatening me because I still don't have a stable job here, and everything is being dependent on him at the moment even I do have a temporary job. And I can't stay here if something will happen to us.

My husband seems to be so immature. let's say he didn't have any sex with the locals there. But I don't like that he had to pay for the drink of a prostitute before they leave that night going back here. A girlfriend of his brother, said that I should not worry about it because they know that my husband loves me so much. I just have to trust him. If I don't trust him, then there's no sense of living together. It's either I have to go back to my country and my husband will stay here in his country.

The coach told me that, if my husband doesn't love me, then he's not supporting me anymore and he will never do to meet my family. He asked me like this: "Do you think he'll just disregard all those hardships he did, when he was getting you from your country?"... he told me that I should remember those. And it's not that he's siding my husband because they're both the same citizen, he then suggested me to see also a woman coach so that I could be more comfortable. Maybe I should do that...

thanks for reading. I don't know what to do anymore... really:-(

MaryAnne

I need to know something. Have you lived where you are for at least five (5) years? You may even be able to guess why I ask.

Confirm that you have children that you and your CURRENT husband have made together.

Based on the answers to those two questions, I will comment. Both the children and how long you have been married have specific impact on what I could say.

Larry

@Larry: we dont have kids & we decided not to have one. We've been married for almost 4 years.

MaryAnne

The more you understand about the situation you are in, the better you can protect yourself and the more options you have as you move forward with your life.

Please read and get an understanding of what I am about to explain to you. See my signature, I want you to have a plan. And you cannot plan without knowledge.


It takes five years for citizenship where you are.
It takes four years to get a divorce.
You have been there for somewhat less than four years.
You do not have children.

First things first.

What I do know is that divorce is extremely TOUGH where you live. I hope that you did get married where you live now. Did you? The reason I mention all of what I have listed above is to provide you with leverage on your husband.

Sometimes reality is a wake up call for those who do not get married with good faith. If your husband does really love you, but is selfish and immature, reality can help him with the adjustment that he has a partner and thus he needs to grow up. By "Wake up" call, I mean that he gets information that is a call to come out of his selfish sleep and see the real world!

Not only is divorce tough, there is a four year waiting period except in certain circumstances. In 2000, there was a new law passed so that divorce went from fault to no fault. But the legislation was poorly written to give authority to the Judges to make very different decisions from person to person and from marriage to marriage. I have no idea why. I suspect that Lawyers consider divorce to be a very profitable business where you live, so the law is written to be vague for the profit of Lawyers. That is reality and you can do nothing about it.

I am shocked that the two of you do not want to have children. That is not what I understand to be the culture of YOUR homeland. That looks, again, like your husband's selfish, everything for me, current attitude.

The only view of your husband I see is through your eyes. Because you are emotional about your husband, what you can tell me is "Filtered" through your eyes. So what I say is a guess only, and not a factual presentation of who your husband REALLY is. So far I see a selfish, immature male. That may or may not be real. He may only be somewhat selfish and immature.

How old are you and how old is your husband?

My University education and hobby is cultural psychology. I did not practice it professionally and did not go through an internship. This means I am more knowledgeable than most on the subject, but I am still an amateur. So take what I say with that in mind.

Next subject, your marriage counselor, coach.

There are very few true marriage counselors where you live. I do know that there is a widespread problem with spouse abuse. Some have said it approaches thirty percent (30%) of marriages. I do know that domestic violence is not handled in your country by the police in the same way it is handled here in the United States. I am not saying that your husband is guilty of domestic violence. My research was to help me understand the CURRENT attitudes where you live about things like that, plus divorce and other cultural issues.

I also found that one third (33%) of marriages where you live are bi-cultural as they call it. That statistic plus the high level of domestic violence tells me that you live in a place that is VERY male oriented. It further tells me that women where you live are starting to reject the total male orientation. So males look somewhere else for a bride.

There is no code of ethics posted online in English that I could find. Your marriage counselor must eat and feed his family as he practices his profession. He will not make much money if he goes against the local culture, which is male oriented. The males pay the bills, so they get first consideration and advice calculated to take sides with the male society. It is what it is.

ABSOLUTELY GO TO THE FEMALE COUNSELOR!!!

Advising you and your husband that your husband can have secrets, go on vacations without you, simply justifies your husbands antiquated view of life, reinforces a male dominated society, and is very destructive of the marriage. I suspect that the male counselor knows this and doesn't care. His job is to earn money, not to save marriages. Too bad for you, but the real world where you live.

Some other things he said were not appropriate. Please copy what I wrote about the reasons for multi-cultural marriages for males and maybe give it to the counselor. I assure you that what I said is very, very realistic. That said, any given male who does go into a multi-cultural may be mixed up and you can tell your counselor if she does not understand, and there may be a combination of motives. I will go back and modify the post to reflect that.

But wait, there is hope.

I have found an organization where you live that specializes in helping with bi-cultural marriages. I will send you the information via your email address since you want where you live and where you are from to remain private. The organization is a government agency but they still apparently want money for their services. I have no idea how much. That will be for you to discover.

I am about to come to a conclusion. Go BACK[/] and read what I posted to you on multi-cultural marriages. Memorize it. Read everything I have posted above so you know it well. You MUST know as much as you can about the culture and law where you live if you are to protect yourself and advance your interests.

[u]It is possible that you can have a marriage close to what you want and what most of us on this forum consider to be a good one. But you are not going to get there if you don't understand your husband and the society in which you live. Got it so far?

Conclusion:

1. You are married to a somewhat immature male who is who he is because of the culture of where you live. In what I read, he is lying to you to protect his interests. And you know it.

2. He is probably not a homosexual unless there is a family prejudice. You live in a homosexual tolerant society.

3. You must understand the culture where you live to effectively deal with your husband. Do you really know why he married you? ALL the reasons?

4. Divorce is difficult if you married where you live. By throwing around those threats, you husband is trying to make you afraid so he can control you and get what he wants.

5. You have 17 months to go until you can apply for citizenship. Please do your research on the requirements and see an Immigration Lawyer who can advise you.

6. Decide what you want. Maybe post it here CLEARLY without JUSTIFICATION. What do you want? For example, if you are okay with a divorce but want to continue to live where you are, just say so, without justification. If what you want is a real marriage with your husband, then say that as well. Do not lie to yourself or to us, please.

7. You knew that you would find many problems when you decided to find a husband from another country. Now you must deal with the reality of that decision of yours and the consequences. Read, research, and try to understand where you are and go forward from there armed with knowledge instead of just HOPE.

8. I have not addressed the many complaints you have posted. There is no point in responding to your complaints. I want you to make up a plan for what you are going to do based on what YOU know, not what your husband is telling you. You know he is lying to you and so does his mother. But confronting his lying does not help until you are fully educated and understand, hopefully from the FEMALE counselor what you can do.

Describe what he does to the FEMALE counselor so she can help you deal with it. Explain what the MALE counselor said.

Without more information, this is all I can do. By all means post your progress here so we can help you on your journey.

OOPS. I cannot modify my post. What I wanted to add was that any given male can have more than one of the reasons he wants to get married to someone from another country. It may that he does want a maid who gives good sex, but also wants someone he can love and appreciate.

Larry

thanks again for your insights. I really appreciate it very much. Sometimes it took me a while to write back in the forum because, I am trying to understand the situation :-( I can't believe that the person I love is the person who will hurt me:-(

Larry you mentioned in your post # 6: about my decision.
Upon reflecting with your question, here is so far what I got:
* I want to stay married with my husband
* I want to have a stable job where I live now
* I want to pass the language test
* I want to work on my weaknesses to save our marriage
* I want to be happy (i hate to have a temporary smile & the next day I look so down because I just had a fight/misunderstanding with my husband)
* I want to stay where I am now.

About the children thing, I was firm that I don't want to have children in the future. It was my decision. My husband don't want to have kids as well. So it was both our decision. I know from the country where I from, it's not common for women not to have babies. Because women from where I came from want to have a family, kids and to be a mother. I think since I came from a quite big family, and I am the eldest, that could trigger me not to have kids.

I already asked our male coach if he could recommend a female coach to me but I haven't got an answer yet.

Larry you also mentioned that I can copy the reasons you wrote about multi-cultural marriages for males,for me to show to our male coach on my 1-on-1 talk. Could you please give me the link? I couldn't find the one for males. Was it your previous post?
I appreciate your help very much.

ps. I also send you an email hope you had the time to check.

Thanks

Hi again
As I mentioned in my previous post, our male coach suggested that it should be better if I talk to a female coach.

I would like to know if there is a difference, between psychotherapist, psychologist?

Do i have to get a psychotherapist?
I wrote our male coach and I asked if its possible to have an english speaking coach, he said he's looking and he asked me also if its possible if I could speak their dialect because i think he knows not many counselors who speaks English.

I can speak their language, but i think it's more important if I can express it in English.

Which one should I prefer?
Thanks

My next post will be to copy one I previously posted with added comments.

Larry

Maryanne

First of all, thank you for the information. That explains almost everything I need to know to comment. I used to be part of a forum that discussed bi-cultural marriages mostly between men who are from developed countries and women who are from less developed countries and the problems associated with such marriages.

Some of what I learned then applies to your situation. I was a part of that forum for nearly five years. In addition to the forum, and as I traveled around the world, I also interacted with those who worked at MOB (Mail Order Bride) locations here and in other countries, to poll their thoughts on a number of issues of interest to me.

I also spoke with the men and women themselves, in person, to see if I could understand their motivation. As I have told you, my education and hobby is in the area of Cultural Psychology. I am not, nor do I pretend to be, a Therapist or Counselor.

In addition to the comments I will make about my observations on the subject of bi-cultural marriages, I will give you my OPINION on some of your other issues. These are my opinions only.

Issue:Your husband's vacation to Phuket, Thailand with a buddy.

1. There is one and only one reason why any given male goes to Phuket either by himself or with his buddies (without his wife), and you should know the reason. He is going to have sex with the local prostitutes. He is NOT going there to enjoy drinking and party and the beaches although he might do those things. He is going to have sex with the local whores, period. I know what Phuket is and so should you. I suspect you know.

It is within the realm of remote possibility that your husband is different, but I doubt it.

2. Adultery is against the law in your country. Rarely is anyone arrested for adultery unless the police want to blackmail them for money. But adultery being against the law is part of your culture. If the police put in jail all of those who do adultery in your country, there would not be enough people left out of jail to run the country.

3. Divorce is against the law in your country. Divorce is the last thing someone in your country thinks about when they are having marriage problems. Divorce is difficult where you are living now and usually not the first thing someone thinks about in your husband's country of origin when, for example, he or she gets caught cheating or finds out that their husband or wife has had an affair, or some other reason. I wonder at the motivations your husband has for talking about divorce in your situation.

4. You husband has probably committed adultery. His friend knows all about it. He wants to do whatever he is doing again, soon. Why?

Bi-cultural Marriages:

There are three probable reasons why he married you. Pick one. I will not discuss why you married him. That is for you to say. These observations come from my experience as noted at the beginning of this post:

A. Reason number one. The man wants to marry a woman who is upscale from what he can probably marry in his home country.

He wants a woman who is better looking, or who is more intelligent, or is much younger, or whatever fantasy he has. And often, a man believes he is unable to find who he is looking for in his own country. This only becomes a problem if the new wife gets to the new country and discovers she can do better than the man she married to get there.

B. Reason number two. The man wants to marry a woman he can more easily control or one who is subservient to him and his wishes. As we used to say on the forum I mentioned, he wants a maid who gives him good sex! And the women in his own country will not buy into what he wants at the level he wants.

These kinds of men do not get much respect among the majority of those who are involved in bi-cultural relationships. Many of those types of men are from Europe and while not rare for them to be from the United States and Canada, they are the exception. Those who are in the upscale category, who are in the majority, will often point category B males to Russia, where the female sharks are active. They want the selfish males to meet the consequences of their immature desires.

C. Reason number three. The man and woman meet in school or other place, or on the web, get married and have a normal life of adjustments. Many times the man will think in terms of A or B above or not as the case may be.

But people are complicated. It may very well that an individual male has all three of the above in mind. And some males will have other reasons such as a fascination with the culture in some given country, or whatever. But those men are very rare.

Do be cautious in one area. Very often, the man's mother will not like the fact that her son married someone from another culture. Some will be that way, others will wait to see your true heart and others will open their arms from the beginning.

Your husband has probably committed adultery. From what you tell me, he is trying to control you with his words. He wants to manipulate you so you will let him do what he wants.

He does not appear to care much what you want or need. This is normal for those who commit adultery and the bi-cultural issues have nothing to do with it except when you think about the background of such men. The extra parts of your situation I have detailed for whatever use you can make of them to figure things out.

Your husband has suggested divorce, something that is difficult and time consuming (and expensive) in his home country. Ok, then you must consider that option and find out what that means since you are from a country where divorce is against the law. You may be surprised how much power you really have.

You cannot save a marriage by yourself. If your husband is unable or unwilling to work with you, and you cannot force him, then your only option is going to be that you become a meek little mouse who lets her husband run all over her, or someone strong who takes care of herself and finds happiness without the person you married.

I know you want to stay married and that is certainly a goal to be desired and the focus on this marriage forum where you have posted your story and sought help.

Remember, the only person you control is yourself. There is no magic wand to make things better. Venting about what he does will solve nothing. But a plan and goals will help. As you find the tools to work with, you will do better.

I do find it interesting that you husband is willing to do Marriage Counseling. This is a very positive sign and that step mitigates the somewhat harsh presentation I have made about the way he may be thinking.

Finally, as you read and learn Marriage Builder principles as taught by Dr. Harley, you will earn the tools you need to have a successful, long term relationship with the man of your choice if he is also willing to learn and apply those same tools. It does take both of you to have success, but one can lead and the other can follow and learn by example.

All the best

Larry
Marriage Builders dot com

Thank you so much for the insights and also for your encouragement and for the many information.

Larry I think I already mentioned in my previous post that, my husband didn't suggest to have divorce. He told me on one of our discussion, that, last year he was on the edge of divorce. And I asked him why he didn't do that, he told me that he loves me very much. But if I continue to react all the time and control him all the time which he doesn't like, he thinks that there's no sense of working out this marriage. That's what he said.

One thing more, I have a feeling that they're really going to pursue the holidays together again :-( I'm not sure what to do anymore?...

I don't understand why he can't understand that I will feel sad if he'll go back again in Phuket.

Any advice?...

thanks


ps. I also asked what kind of therapist should one look for in the marriage counseling? Is it psychotherapist, psychology, not sure what other formal names they have. Thanks for the help

MaryAnne:


Listen not to what he says, only to what he does. Men look more at what someone does, not what they say. This is a good way of thinking.

He is telling you that he wants to control you. Simple answer. He is treating you as if you are something he bought in a store. Sad is a poor word for how that must make you feel. It must be devastating.

He is telling you that he wants to do harmful things to you, such as trips to Phuket, and he doesn't care if you like it or not.

He says he loves you. Excuse me, he has a very STRANGE way of showing that love.

If you do not allow him to control you and thus allow himself to do things harmful to you, he suggests divorce. You are dealing with a very immature male. He does not understand the honor of being a man who protects his wife from harm, especially by himself.

Sorry, I have no idea how they classify the differences between psychotherapists and other counseling service in your country. Ask one of them.

Have you contacted the ssiss? This may be very important.

Have you read through the bi-cultural services link and contacted them?

Have you asked a Lawyer for your options both for divorce and for immigration? This is EXTREMELY important.

If you attend Church, have you talked with your Priest or Pastor?

Save me from reading every word you have said so far. Did you ever tell me where you were married?

At some point, you must make a decision. You must either accept who he is and the strong probability that he will never change, or attempt to get him to change himself because he learns about consequences that he will not like.

Suggestion: At some point AFTER you have talked to a Lawyer, calmly and directly, without fear or argument, ask him this question. "Is going to Phuket, Thailand without me so important that you are willing to tell a Divorce Judge that is the reason you do not want to be married to me?"

Don't argue about it. Just let him think whatever he wants to think. Don't allow him to twist words, ignore them. That question makes him look at himself and that is what you want.

Your husband must make a decision. He either honors you as his wife or he becomes single again. And in your country of residence, this is a painful and expensive route for him to take. The expense he went to for you to be where you are IS an issue. That is something you have been told by the Male Counselor, who made it look like your husband had purchased you at some department store. The Male Counselor should be ashamed of himself. I would tell the Female Counselor what the Male Counselor said and how it made you feel. I would tell the ssiss if I were you.

Take on NO guilt over this. It was his choice. The consequences of that choice is that he is now married to a real person, not a fantasy. And as a real person, it is reasonable that you reject the idea your husband should be free to go to Phuket, Thailand without you so he can consort with whores. Any other explanation of his trip is unreasonable and not to be considered. You don't have to listen to his lies or irrational explanations, and twisted words.

You are a real person lady. You do not deserve to be treated like something bought in a store. It is time for you to grow up and not be pushed around by someone who is not thinking of you as his partner. Your husband is thinking only of himself and his own pleasure.

Larry

@Larry thanks so much for your insights.

It's quite difficult for me at the moment to comprehend everything:-( but your words are very helpful. That's what I really feel right now, it seems that my husband doesn't really understand what marriage is. and he's acting quite immature. He always use the good things he does to me, and make it as if he's doing good in everything and then if i say something which i don't find gut, he'll react as if he's the poorest man in the world.

He seems not to listen how I feel :-(

Anyway, I'll have a meeting with my counselor, do you think it's good if I show him the mail that the friend of my H wrote,telling him that he shouldn't tell me where they are going again?

When I asked my H about it, he told me that it was a joke. He should be angry at me because I invade his privacy. He also told me that my character is very bad. I should have told him about that.

Is there any experience therapist in the forum?

I also didn't get why the male counselor suggested that I have to see a female counselor? does that mean something?

I'm thinking to write his friend do you think it's a good idea?

Your advice is greatly appreciated


@Larry: I haven't called yet :-( I still dont know what to say :-(
We are married twice, first in my H country and then the year after in my country.

MaryAnne:

You cannot get the LOCAL help if you do not call.

I suggest you see a female counselor because the male counselor insulted you. Do you understand the insult? Did you understand what I said about how he insulted you? The male counselor said that your husband bought you from your country so you should do whatever your husband wanted. That is just so wrong on so many levels.

See a female counselor. And show her a printed copy of how the male counselor insulted you. Ask for her help with understanding the male culture of H country.

If you do not stand up for yourself, you are not going to have a good life. And I do not mean just with your husband. You are trying to pull the "Simple" act from your culture on me and I am not buying what you are selling. You are an intelligent young woman who can learn what she has to learn to survive.

You will not learn if you do not seek knowledge from those best able to help you understand the country where you live and the law and culture. Call and talk to the organizations and keep talking to them until you have learned what you need to learn.

Do not give up until you have information upon which you can base your decisions. Just talking to me is not enough.

Larry

MaryAnne,
I just wanted to say that Larry is giving you great help. I don't have anything to add, other than there are lots of folks following your story and supporting you.

thanks to both of you. Yes I will call soon and will see a female counselor.
I told my husband that I'm going to see a female counselor, and he was kind of surprised why I'm so eager to see a female coach right away. He suggested that if i see one, then i should cancel the appointment with our male counselor,because it doesn't make sense to have 2 therapist. And we can't afford at the moment.
I told him I'll do that when I'm finish talking to our male coach & I'll tell him that I didn't like what he said last time. and of course, i'll tell him my version of my story because everytime i'm about to say during the coaching, my husband interrupted often which leads to a new topic & sometimes the story is quite twisted. At the end of the meeting, i'm not really sure where is this counseling leading to. It's like I felt that everything was left hanging and the last word we heard from the coach is: "ok, just call me if you think you need to talk again" Although last time he gave us some tasks to do, but I'm not sure if its helping us. I think my H heard it, but then after awhile he's behaving again with his same old behavior. I want to tell him about that, but i think it doesn't bring any good at the moment.

At the moment, our communication is not really good although we're having some good times. H always talk about computers, the new stuffs he found from the internet, movies, our schedules for weekend, but not really like a heart to heart talk. I think we're not trusting each other anymore :-(

If i see the situation right now, it seems so normal for my H. Of course, if I say something he will start to take this things against me, that I'm not contented, that I'm complicating things, and always looking for problems and so on....

thanks again for reading.

hi
I called 2 female counselor and i am decided to see one hopefully next week if i can get an available appointment. Still waiting for the reply.

Today my husband, asked me again if he can ask his friend again that they're going for dinner this sunday because the following day is holiday and we don't have to work. I said yes but I was not happy :-( i don't know what to say. If I say no, he will think that I'm controlling him so I didn't comment anything on it.

I thought, we were having great times, but I can feel that the love of my husband is fading away which is very sad. He is not sensitive anymore to what I feel. Last time we had quite few discussion but we were able to manage it. I think my husband should really learn how to communicate properly, because he's hurting me most of the time.

Last week he invited me for dinner and movie, I know we were both tired. And he was sharing something to me, like the Pfeffer spray that he bought and he showed it to me and also show how to use it. But didn't really click on anything. I was quite amazed of the thing and I started to ask question and then at last I asked him did you try it? His old attitude in approaching when I ask such questions are again there. He shouted at me and then said, how will you try it? I was surprised again and shocked with the way he reacted. I didn't say anything because i couldn't speak anymore. It's still the same. I felt quite an idiot when he said that to me. I was looking forward to having a romantic evening with him and suddenly his behavior started again. It was quite an odd night. We talked about it. And told him that we are really experts when it comes to unfriendly fights. Because this is the usual feeling he's gaving to me. I know sometimes I asked some strange questions, and he admitted it to me that he finds it annoying because he thinks that I'm not thinking when I ask such questions. But as far as I know when we were still getting to know each other, he was not complaining. And as far as I can remember I even ask more strange question than now. What I don't understand why he gets easily annoyed? :-(

So that was some few fights and I didn't react too much to it. Instead I just cried in the movie house. We sometimes even not touch each other. It seems that I'm not welcome to his life anymore :-( If we hug each other, the real hug before its not there anymore.

Anyway, I'm just upset again that he will go out with his friend again dinner. I don't know how to tell him that, it's quite difficult for me at the moment to overcome the past because I know that he denied a single word from me and also most of the mails conversation I read as well. I'm afraid to discuss it to him at the moment, because I know it will end up to unresolve fights again. And I'm quite tired of it. Since last Feb, I often having bad dreams and couldn't sleep well :-(

Its also quite difficult on my situation at the moment because, I'm still going to school and it needs a lot of energy for concentration.

Shall I let it things be, if he's going out with this friend?
Thanks

hi again, i already talked to a female counselor. and she understood why I'm feeling and reacting like this.
She said that the trust was broken and it seems my husband is reacting strangely. The coaching went fine and I felt safe in her place. I cried after the coaching, because I feel that my husband is really trying to take our marriage apart.

He's not doing it directly but the direction is towards there. it seems that he wants to enjoy his single life again:-(

At first I was kind of confused because I didn't understand why the male coach seems to push me to see a female therapist. The female coach told me the reason why was not because i'm crazy or something is wrong with me, but it something to make feel stronger because of the situation right now. it's getting complicated everyday and my husband sometimes don't care anymore to what I feel. He seems not interested to do things with me, and it seems that he enjoys very much the company of his friend. today is sunday, it's suppose our day together and he knows that. last week he asked me if he can have dinner with his male friend. I didn't want to discuss anymore and I just said yes even though I was quite upset. They're going again to their favorite fancy resto.
Last week we had a few discussion again, because I told him that i wanted to have breakfast in one of our favorite place, i know it's expensive. but if he goes i also want to do something for myself. And that was the first thing that came into my mind. He was not happy and he told me, what does that supposed to mean? What about me, do I have to have breakfast alone? I said of course you can come. Then he was quite angry because he actually don't want to spend money because he said we don't have much money at the moment. But he'll go out with his friend in a fancy restaurant.
I know this was already their ritual before, but it was not like a monthly date... so confusing. I was just quiet that time. His face change and he was quite angry. And then I told him there is actually a breakfast and spa on this place and I would love to do the spa as well. He wasn't happy with the idea. He said it's very expensive. I said I haven't checked the price yet. I'll check it and we'll see. So when we arrived home, we checked it together and we saw that it was quite expensive, around 270$ for 1 hr.45 mins. He said we could move the breakfast on the following sunday. I said it's ok, but I would like to do the wellness for me if its ok for you. He told me that it's very expensive. And he said that he was quite irritated because why I have to do that on the same day that he'll go out with his friend. I asked him, am I not allowed to do it? you know that sunday is our day but you go out and I didn't complain because that's what you like. Now I want to do something for myself, you're telling me what to do and not what to do. It's unfair. Then he told me that I'm a real spoiled-brat because he thinks, if he spent, i'm also spending. And he said we are not millionaire. It's the same issue again about last year. I didn't comment anymore. I let him complained and after-wards, the discussion go on. Then he suggested to me that I'll do the other spa from a center which was half the price from the one I wanted to do...

I don't know if I was spoiled-brat, but it seems that my husband wants to enjoy for himself and he wants me to stay at home. He even stated an example, about me meeting friends. since we came back from holidays, i didn't go out here, so it was only last week where i meet 2 friends of mine, and he took it as an example that if i meet them, he also don't go out somewhere and said, he wants to go out as well because i went out.

that was really a childish example, because i also didn't tell him that if i go out, he will just stay at home, actually he is free to do what he wants, as long as we're informing each other. i told him he can actually go out as well, but he choose to stay home that time. i don't know anymore how to explain it to him so that he'll understand.

I also had a talk with our male coach and he told me that our last session was really really bad. It was a very bad situation. He told me that, he was also irritated with the email he read because the behavior of my husband is quite like a teenager and not with a married guy. the male coach told me that i have to be strong. he wanted to hear if i can speak their language, i tried and he was so surprised about it and he said, that, he thinks that i'm a clever woman and i need to regain that self-confidence again because of what happened. he told me that i have to be strong and and don't control my husband anymore and i have to take care of my health. he told me that if my husband will not change, i can change for myself. i should let my husband do the steps and don't do that now for the moment. i was crying. and i think it takes a lot of energy.

i feel so alone here and the only safe place i had before was my marriage and my marriage is shaking. i don't feel secure anymore. i hope we can survive this.

up to now, i am not sure what is to happen and i don't know what to do anymore :-(
it seems the therapy with the female is already preparing me for the worst case to happen.

any encouragement words please :-(

Don't do this any more. You need to be honest with your husband when something bothers you.

He might get angry and say you are trying to control him (because you say it bothers you and you would rather he not do the activity) but his anger is HIS behavior and HIS choice. HIS problem.

You need to tell him the truth anyway.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I agree with turtlehead - you need to be honest and open with your husband. It's difficult, but it is important to tell him how you really feel.