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I recently found out about my spouses infidelity. He had 2 affairs taking place almost 4 years ago. I am relieved that we don't have to go through the "seperation" faze for him as they ended around 6 months after they began. I am confused though about a couple of situations.
1) one of the women he works with still and it is very complicated as we are partners in the business...legally we cannot simply walk away or quit. She works out of the same office but he does not have the power to let her go. We see each other regularly at social functions and every time I even think of seeing her I feel sick to my stomach but opting out of these social events is not an option as we are owners of the company. So I am not certain as to how to handle this.

2) I completely get the idea of "needs not being met" causing these affairs. However I firmly believe his needs were not being met because HE would not allow me to meet them. He completely shut me out of his work life, telling me it was more important for me to care for our family. He was unwilling to talk to me and honesty went out the window no matter how hard I tried to get him to come around it just would not happen. And by try I mean coax....I wanted desperately to share in his life. So I guess I am slightly confused as to what I should apologize for....I wanted to be meeting his every need just was not being permitted to.

3) the way I found out about these affairs is by "hacking" his email accounts. There was never a point when he was honest with me and I feel like he is still only being "honest" about the things I already know. He tells me he has huge regrets and quite simply the embarrassment he is feeling at being "caught" is enough to keep him from doing this again....but I just don't see it that way, I am worried if there is ever a time when he thinks he won't "get caught" again that he will take advantage of it....I just don't know how to be sure. Everything I am reading talks a lot about the husband being honest and I just don't feel I have received any honesty...only discovery.

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Hi purpleM

Sorry you find yourself here. There's a wealth of resources on the site and encouraging folks on the forum.

I'm not sure of what exactly to do about the business thing but, I'd hope that somewhere in the partnership agreement there's a way for one party to be let out of the situation. WH continuing to work with OW as you have experienced won't help in recovery of your M since she will be a constant trigger.

You asked what you should apologize for and I'd say that you don't have to apologize for anything. Just begin to try and meet your WH's needs as best as possible.

As far as the honesty goes; I still don't believe what my WH says until I verify that it's the truth. I don't believe that it will be like this always but for now that's what it is. For recovery to begin your WH does have to be O&H about all of the details of the affair. Has he been introduced to any of the MB concepts? I'd say your best bet to introduce him to the concepts is to call the counseling center and make a coaching appointment. That's what I did in my situation. I'm not sure what they said to my WH but he has stopped refusing to answer my questions and divulge details of the A. I now know everything that I wanted/needed to know in order for us to begin recovery.

Good luck to you and again my best suggestion is to get coaching with The Harleys.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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I also forgot to ask whether you have eliminated all Love Buster's? Once I stopped making disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts and etc. I have found that WH is more willing to openly tell me things he thinks will be difficult for me to hear.

It takes work to recover a M after infidelity but it can be done with two willing spouses. He has to do as much work on the M as you.


Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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yes I believe I have eliminated love busters, I think the hard part is I read so much it makes it so there is little left for him to be honest about. I read way more than I would ever want to know frown

We have started working through the book His Needs Her Needs and he is a willing participant.

The partnership agreement actually DOES NOT allow him an out. As the company is currently in the negative he would have to pay to get "out" and we simply cannot afford that in any way. We are going to speak to the other partner who employs this woman once he returns (3 weeks) but I do feel a certain sense of guilt at the idea this woman will likely lose her job. I wish there was another way. But, on the other hand it is VERY apparent that she came after him with a vengance....pushing him into the affair...yes I know he could have said no and I know he holds equal blame, but I also believe had she not started anything it would not have happened at least not the one with her. I believe there would have been other affairs and there was, but not with someone he worked with. So I am having a very difficult time dealing with the equal need to not feel guilt about her and feeling guilt as i know she has a family (she is married as well and I believe her husband has not clue).

I guess it is all just going to take time to figure everything out...it has only been 4 weeks.

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This is a real hair ball. The only good is that the OW is not a direct report to your husband. She might still file for sexual harassment. Not a good situation at all. But no reset button, no magic wands.

Let's see what others think.

Larry

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I have been reading reading reading here
And buying the books
and listening to what all have to say
I am new here I might add
and am not sure I should even answer to your post...

But from what I have read here
and what all say here
Is that you should tell the OW husband

PLEASE don't act on what I say
but I would listen to what others tell you here on that
being they have been here done this...

I wish the OW in my case had been married so I could have told her Husband of the A
In my case that would have ended the A a lot sooner...

I wish you the best

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Originally Posted by purplemichelelee
We have started working through the book His Needs Her Needs and he is a willing participant.

I guess it is all just going to take time to figure everything out...it has only been 4 weeks.

I guess I did't understand the timeline in the first post. You discovered the As 4 weeks ago by reading emails. When was the last email sent/received?

Did both As only last 6 months and were they ongoing at the same time? How long ago did both As begin and end? Do you have proof that they both definitely have ended and that there aren't any other ongoing As? Were these PAs/EAs both?

As far as OWH not knowing, you must expose this to him. He deserves to know what his wife and your WH have done.

Part of him being a willing participant is to be O&H about all details of his As. If he's still hiding details then he's not fully on board.

Next to exposure, coaching with Steve Harley was the second best thing that helped turn the light on for my WH and he began to get on board with the program.

sorry for all the questions above but having more information helps.





Married 9 yrs.
DC 7 & 2
DH EA 4/08-01/10
Dday #1 05/08
False recovery b4 I knew about MB 07/08
Dday #2 01/10
NC 01/10

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Inappropriate guilt won't help you to recover your marriage. The OW's actions have consequences...her choice to have the affair at her workplace was hers...

You revealing the truth of what she chose isn't something to feel guilt about. Certainly reasonable to feel something close as you wish she had not made that choice.

Does the partnership agreement have a morals clause?

OW's BS needs to be told her choices, too. Exposure is necessary for everyone to deal in reality and to break the fantasy of the affair.

Your WH's embarrassment will pass...will not stop him from choosing to have another affair. Read the articles here on transparency, extraordinary precautions, radical honesty (part of the four rules of marriage) and together, put into place these very real tools to affair-proof your marriage.

I don't understand the three-week wait...is the other partner having some medical procedure? If he's working away or on vacation, inform him anyway...this is that important.

LA

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PML,

Why do you give a rip about what happens to her? She sure as he77 didn't give a rip about what happened to you. If she loses her job, it's just a consequence of her slimy behavior.

And if you have questions for your H, have him do a polygraph. That would settle the issue. And if he refuses, that's a whole 'nother signal.


BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
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ya this is a real hairball....

Larry, actually at the time of the affair...she was my husbands senior!!!! Very long story but he was not a partner at the time and the affair was long over when he became a partner. She is still actually in some ways his senior as the company is a franchise and she oversees his stores for the franchise.

Red....the last email was 3 years ago that was not "work related". As my husband completely forgot to delete his "sent" files since 2005 everything was there right up until 4 weeks ago and I am confident that the affairs ended when he says they did as I was able to read so much. The affairs went on one right after the other. Each lasted no more than 1 month. Each consisted of 3 sexual encounters clearly talked about in the emails.

Because of the content of his email account I am confident there are no other affairs. As stated EVERYTHING was there.


LOVING - the 3 week wait has to do with his partner being out of town followed by us going out of town. I am willing to give this wait because I feel it needs a face to face discussion in which my husband has agreed to have me present. I am most comfortable with this arrangement. The other options all leave me feeling uncomfortable and uninformed. And, since I am confident that the affair has been over for 3 years feel it is the best option for us at this time.

The partnership agreement has very few "clauses" it is very cut and dry and not much room for an "out" short of death. All 3 partners had been left in a financial mess at some point so all felt it in there best interest to make it pretty cut and dry. I think the best option is for sure going to be to expose this situation and see what the outcome is then, move on from there based on what happens. As selfish as it is I think her leaving the company is going to be in the best interest of everybody (including her).

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I guess I "gave a rip" because I am compassionate to a fault. I hate to see anyone hurt which in turn usually causes me to get hurt. You are so right and as much as I am sorry for what she is about to go through I guess the time has come to put myself first in order to save this marriage. I know if I have to continue to face her every time I go to a company event or run into her in our stores it is going to be like a slap in the face. Time to be compassionate to myself I guess!

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I guess I "gave a rip" because I am compassionate to a fault. I hate to see anyone hurt which in turn usually causes me to get hurt. You are so right and as much as I am sorry for what she is about to go through I guess the time has come to put myself first in order to save this marriage. I know if I have to continue to face her every time I go to a company event or run into her in our stores it is going to be like a slap in the face. Time to be compassionate to myself I guess!

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PML,

I have been told by many that I have great empathy for others. I try the "shoe-walking" routine before I take most actions.

But in this case, the only shoe the FOW deserves is one squarely up her a$$.

Personally, I bear no long-lasting ill will toward anyone on the Earth -- except for one person, and continually pray I never come across him on his motorcycle while I'm driving down the highway. I don't want to be tempted to do something dumb.

Besides, if I did run him off a steep hill, he might hit a squirrel on the way down or something. smile


BH 52
FWW 50
S26 S24
EA 3/07-1/09
PA 5/07-10/08
NC finally established after eight false starts: 1/23/09
Final Version of Events 6/09
In a solid Recovery, and lucky beyond belief.
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ahahaha lol sorry but yes the poor squirrel!!! Well I know you are right....it makes it so hard though having known her for 8 years....her kids...etc. But I know that I need to develop some spine in regard to this or we are never going to make it. I had to stop into the office last week and I actually threw up at the thought I might run into her (I have been fortunate enough to not run into her up to this point). And we turned down 1 function already to avoid my having to face her. I know I should not be ashamed but I am.

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Ok so what do I do as far as the husband goes....it seems so spiteful to tell another person since it has been over for so long. Do I allow the OW to do it? Do I ask my husband to do it? Or do I do it??? Not sure how one handles doing something like that!!

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Purple:

Oh good!

Quote
Larry, actually at the time of the affair...she was my husbands senior!!!! Very long story but he was not a partner at the time and the affair was long over when he became a partner. She is still actually in some ways his senior as the company is a franchise and she oversees his stores for the franchise.

rotflmao

If needed, your husband can claim sexual harassment. That is a good thing.

I understand your shame. Try to unload the shame by education here and wherever you can find it. This growth will change you as a person and thus you no longer have anything to be ashamed of. See my guilt thread in other topics. I am reworking it to simplify and repost back here.

Lrry

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Originally Posted by purplemichelelee
Ok so what do I do as far as the husband goes....it seems so spiteful to tell another person since it has been over for so long. Do I allow the OW to do it? Do I ask my husband to do it? Or do I do it??? Not sure how one handles doing something like that!!

How do you feel now that you know the truth? Don't you think OWH deserves to find out the truth as well? Don't allow OW to do it, she will lie and spin the truth. You go over to OWH, show him the emails, and let him know you just found out recently and thought he deserved to know as well.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by purplemichelelee
ahahaha lol sorry but yes the poor squirrel!!! Well I know you are right....it makes it so hard though having known her for 8 years....her kids...etc. But I know that I need to develop some spine in regard to this or we are never going to make it. I had to stop into the office last week and I actually threw up at the thought I might run into her (I have been fortunate enough to not run into her up to this point). And we turned down 1 function already to avoid my having to face her. I know I should not be ashamed but I am.

So you understand that her continued employment there isn't going to work, right?

Also - be clear on this: it's not (totally) an act of revenge to expose this to OWH. He deserves to know what he is married to. He deserves to have an accurate accounting of the state of his marriage. He deserves to know that his W is an unfaithful partner. It is not your job to protect the OW from the consequences of her actions.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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You should be the one to tell her husband, and do not tell your husband you are going to do it until afterwards.

You can tell her husband that you very recently learned that his wife had an affair with your husband. Have copies of the emails to give him as proof.

If you're lucky, maybe her husband will make her quit her job! smile


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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ok, now what about the 2 women....I am having a difficult time trying to figure out if I have the right to say anything to either one of them.


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