My attorney has been on vacation all week, so I will talk to him on Monday. I WILL do everything I can to stop it, but I fear I cannot do so legally. He won't have her in the same condo...but not sure if I can keep him from going together with her. You guys seem so sure...I just don't know. I hope you are right.

Wxh just sent me an email saying this--

<<I am planning on taking DS10 to Florida the week of June 12 - 18. He and I will have our own studio type apt. Please let me know if those dates are ok so I can lock in our reservations.>>

I sent an email to my attorney BEFORE this latest email asking him if I could stop this. He said he feels the judge will think the separate units thing will be ok, but that he will file something and get a ruling if I want.

Now what? I'm inclined to file to stop it even if I am mostly sure I will lose. I need opinions please.

SM


Your feelings are completely unimportant to him. Don't ever go there and since you already have, don't do it again. This is my opinion, so take it for what it is worth.

Better:

"I do not want to expose our son to your adultery partner at this time. Should the two of you marry, that is a different situation. He is too young to learn the lessons you are trying to teach him. How is he going to react to her and your future with her if he should figure out that she is the reason why mom and dad broke up? Kids are smart and they observe their parents for anything they can understand.

"He loves you and he loves me. Please, let him grow up before he discovers what can happen when one of the partners does not honor the marriage and the need to stay faithful partners to raise their children. [[you can then insert what son knows]] Please let him get comfortable with the fact that mom and dad are no longer united before introducing him to the reason why."

Larry

Well, we are past that now. It is either I allow it to happen or I try to stop it with a motion in court. Ds is fully aware that this girfriend is the OW and the reason I divorced his father. I told him on the advice of this board and I've never regretted that. He did not meet her until the divorce was final for about 6 weeks. By the time he met her we had been separated for 7 months.

I am leaning heavily toward filing a motion to stop it even though my lawyer thinks I will probably lose.

Hmmm, I suspected the first trip was a trial run for something major. As you still have a few months, go the legal route. Chances are you will lose, but you won't win if you don't try. Absolutely insist that DS not be made aware of it until after a court decision. It would be typical wayward behavior for your ex to use something like this in attempt to show your DS that you are an evil witch.

You are in a no win situation. If you go to court and lose, that will empower him to do more stuff. If you win, that might give him ammunition to use against you with DS at some future point or even right now. Heads you lose, tails you lose.

If you let him go, OW will be all over him, trying to suck up. That might be a good thing from DS POV. The key with kids is Do No Harm. Just please don't do anything that remotely looks as if you are using your son to get even with XWH or OW.

That just hurts DS. Let DS make up his own mind. Don't compete, you don't have to, you are mom and always will be, mom.

My 2 cents is to let him go. Kids are smart in their own way. If he has to eventually get used to her, better she starts out with sucking up. If she is a witch on the trip, then DS will give his father a ration and Dad will deserve it. Heads DS wins, Tails DS wins. And so do you.

Larry

I was thinking about this last night SW and I'm glad Larry posted what he did, because I agree with him. The situation sucks. No question about that. But you are divorced now and there's only so much you can try to hold the moral high ground and not eventually lose with your son.

What's more important? Protecting and building your relationship with your son, or sticking your xWH with a 'gotcha'?

As much as it will bother you, I'd also suggest just letting him go. And truly, deeply and really examine your intentions. Are they really *only* to protect your son from something you believe is immoral? How would you *truly* feel if this were a serious girlfriend of your (now single) ex-husband and she were NOT the OW?

I'm not advocating sending your 10 year old off to a vacation where your exH and his girlfriend sleep together. But look at the situation. Your ex and this woman are going to be in different units. Will they wind up having sex at some point during the vacation? Probably. It seems as though your ex is going through some effort to honor your wishes, regardless of what his intent is.

Think about it.

One more thing. Your ex is such a scuzzy low-life icky character....aren't you glad it's another woman who is dealing with all of that now?

And, as a show of hands, how many people buy that two unit thing?? I don't-because of the cost. There will be no way that this can be found out until after the trip- and asking kids those kids of questions is not cool. My mom used to pick me to death after I had a visit with my dad. "What did you do- where did you sleep? Did stepmom let you sit with your dad?" The list goes on and on.

As much as it hurts- and I know it does- I don't really think you can stop him. And if he stays with her she may eventually be their stepmom. It sucks and I'm sorry!

So only Tabby thinks I should try to stop it legally? I am surprised at the rest of you. I am not being self-righteous...I am really just surprised more didn't say stop him if I can.


Thanks for your opinions.

SW


I have been complaining lately about the "I agree" or the "I don't agree" type posts. Not enough of them. How many are you doing, for example? I know the good part of the answer to that question. But do think about it.

Maybe more didn't say stop him because they see the holes in that. Maybe you need to do a long think about what a couple of us said. Kids don't get nearly as hurt by divorce as they do if mommy or daddy or both start using them as weapons, even if it is just a little bit. Please don't let yourself slip gradually into that mind set, one tiny step at a time.

And frankly, I tell myself that too. I am where you are and I understand.

Larry

There is nothing wrong with talking to your lawyer about it. Heck, he might even tell you that you're wasting your time. Or he might not and you go back to court. In any event, all of this happens behind the scenes - the DS is not involved in any way and won't have anything to be hurt about. Once he is brought into it, it is an entirely different matter. But as of now, why not at least find out if its possible.

And I totally agree with those that say there won't be separate bedrooms. No way are they going to pass up on hotel sex.

SW,

I am sorry if I wasn't clear in my earlier post - What I was encouraging you to do is have your attorney draft a letter to your Ex. The letter can simply and FACTUALLY state a reminder of his legal obligations.

It is quite likely that if you went to court today and asked that this be enforced, the judge would buy into the story of seperate accomodations. Honestly, what choice would he have?

It's like an order of protection - they do not issue them UNTIL someone has already done something.

You can not control what he might or might not do. You CAN have him reminded of his legal obligation. Should he not live up to what he agreed, you can then decide what steps to take from there.

I know it really stinks & I'm sorry for what you are having to deal with right now. I can only assure you that eventually, it does it easier to handle.

Having been through a divorce with children younger than yours, I say this is not a sword to die on.

Are you going to take XH to court every time he has a girlfriend and he wants to go on vacation w/her and include your child?

Your money would be much better spent in a college fund for DS.

Does your decree say no overnight guests of opposite sex while children are present?

He knows he is pushing it and I don't want to roll over and make it easier for him to push the next thing.

I DID talk to my attorney about it. He says the judge will proably buy the separate rooms story (and it is probably true too, btw....no way ds won't tell me about it. But my lawyer said he will file a motion asking the court to stop my xh from taking ds on vacation with a girfriend.

I don't think I am using ds as a weapon. I don't even let unmarried couples who live together spend the night in my home....I am not asking for anything that I don't live myself and am raising my son with.

I just feel like it is a slipper slope...that he will do this one thing and then the next in violation of the court order. Of course it might not BE a violation of the court order...that is why it might have to be decided by a judge.

SW,

This just breaks my heart. I hate to think of my WH someday taking our children on a trip with him OW. The thought of it makes me sick. Good luck to you in your fight on this issue.

I'm just speaking philisophically here but "no overnight guests of the opposite sex" doesn't present any implications as to sleeping arrangements. This could be applied to having someone sleep over on the pull-out sofa or even letting Grandma stay overnight. Exactly how is your agreement worded?

Whether you fight this one or not is up to you. But there is something to be said in that he agreed to something and now is renegging on his agreement. Certainly it doesn't hurt to have a record of that in case he tries something else down the road. Whatever you do, don't drag your DS into it. If the judge says your ex can take him, help your DS pack everything he needs and wish him a great trip.