March 30, 2010

Dear Newsletter Member,

In this issue:
The Help You Need Right Now!

Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?
By Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D.



Although the next Marriage Builders� Weekend is two months away, you can start our success-guaranteed program TODAY, RIGHT NOW, and in the comfort of your own home.

We have made the Marriage Builders� Weekend available to you in an incredibly convenient online version. The seminar component of the program has been recorded for you to watch on your own computer at your own pace. You will received all of the same materials we provide at the Marriage Builders� Weekend. And the critically important follow-up component is identical. You are assigned a Follow-up Coach who will guide you through the course to make sure you and your spouse stay on track.


CLICK HERE for more information about the Marriage Builders� Online Program.


Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

One of the extraordinary precautions I mention when discussing the topic of avoiding affairs is to rule out friends of the opposite sex. To many, my recommendation seems to be an overreaction at best and downright paranoid and controlling at worst. After all, it's healthy to have friends of the opposite sex whether or not you're married. Right?

Well, it's been my experience counseling thousands of couples that opposite-sex friends pose the greatest risk for infidelity. True, there are those who go shopping for sex on the internet or have one-night stands with total strangers while on a trip. But that's not the typical affair. The most common affair is with someone who has become a friend.

Work is a place that many find these friendships, but they are also found in recreational settings, volunteer organizations, and even church. What starts out as casual conversation develops into intimate conversation where personal problems are revealed and help is offered by the friend. Massive Love Bank deposits are made when that happens. The next thing you know, you're hooked.

I've read thousands of letters describing the anguish of betrayed spouses caught in this web, but I'm using the letter I received this week to remind you that danger lurks in what often appears as an innocent friendship.

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Dear Dr. Harley,

I am thirty-four years old and my wife is a few years younger. We have been married for ten years and have two children together ages seven and five -- no other children or prior marriages. After discovering some compelling evidence that my wife has been having an emotional affair with a co-worker, I confronted her about it. At first she denied it, but after reading some things on your website about what an emotional affair is, she apologized for it. She said she was just talking to him as a friend and getting a male perspective. Since then (Oct. 2009), she said, she has not seen or talked to him until this last Saturday morning. It was her typical work day, but not his. I believe it stirred up feelings in her. She called me right away when she found out that he was there. Do I mention to her boss about what is happening - so they do not work together again? I'm devastated.

We talked about how she was feeling and she had brought up what she had read about "not to trust" your spouse in your Q&A column, "Coping with Infidelity." This goes against everything she knows about trust. Can you explain? She wants me to trust her, but I am having a hard time trusting. She believes I am insecure. She is on a social networking site and has a personal email which she keeps hidden from me. I do know that the man in question is divorced with one child and is one of her friends on that site.

My wife says she is losing who she is. She used to be able to be friends with anybody she wants and that I am trying to control her. She is an extroverted person and I am not. Recently she asked if she could go to Hawaii with a married friend, whom I do not know, and meet up with another friend who lives there. We were trying to save enough to go together, but she said it would be cheaper for just her. Also, a married relative who is a few younger than my wife asked her to go to Florida for the weekend. This one I am feeling OK with more so than the Hawaii one. Both my parents and her parents have done separate trips/vacations. What is your take on this?


CLICK HERE to read Dr. Harley's answer.



As part of the Marriage Builders� Weekend Follow-up Course and Accountability Program, Dr. Harley himself answers all questions weekend attendees have as they post them in the follow-up section of the Marriage Builders� Discussion Board. If you would like Dr. Harley�s help with your marriage, click on the link below for more information about the Marriage Builders� Weekend including upcoming dates and locations.

The Next Marriage Builders� Weekend:

May 14th & 15th, 2010
Minneapolis, Minnesota



Willard F. Harley, Jr. Ph.D. is a Licensed Psychologist and a successful marriage counselor of over 35 years. He is the author of 15 books on marriage, including the international best seller "His Needs, Her Needs" (Revell, 1986). He is available for help through the accountability program offered as a component of the Marriage Builders� Weekend. CLICK HERE for more information about the next opportunity.

Steven W. Harley, M.S. is a Marriage Coach specializing in guiding couples through the process of healing and restoring trust and intimacy in a marriage after infidelity. He has over 15,000 hours of experience in working with couples who want a plan on how to recover from an affair. An appointment with Mr. Harley can be made through the link below or by calling the Marriage Builders� main office number at 1-888-639-1639. Discount rates are available.

The Marriage Builders� Coaching Center

Steven W. Harley, M.S., Editor, The Marriage Builders� Newsletter
P.O. Box 25138, St. Paul, Minnesota 55125, 651-762-8570

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