I am pregnant with my 7th child with my husband. We've been married for 15 years. After my husband spent the last 2 years giving enormous amounts of time and attention to his band and band members instead of me, even while I begged him to stop, I did the unthinkable (and it seems the unforgiveable): I had a 4 month affair with a neighbor. He discovered it, and we immediately cut it off immediately in mid-December. Before we found Harley's work, my husband suggested I start it up again. I refused. Even after finding Harley's work, he waffled back and forth as to whether he wanted me just to restart the affair and let it "run its course." I honestly admitted that the idea appealed to me on some level, but it was outweighed by the disadvantages, and I am committed to working on us, not him. I had had a conversation with the neighbor that it was over, and we were in agreement that we would avoid each other, and be distant yet cordial if we were ever at the same place. After my husband kept encouraging me to start it up, and after I insisted that even if I wanted, to, which I didn't, he is done with the whole thing, too--but I finally approached the neighbor (I let him know beforehand), and asked if he would ever start it up again: flat out NO, just as I thought. I begged my husband to get off that track and settle into Harley's exclusivity policy. He finally agreed.

We have been doing Harley's work, but every other week or so, my husband loses it and "quits" or "breaks up" with me. He struggles with resentment and anger, but so do I, for the years of neglect and demands/judgments. My H has even admitted that if I hadn't had the affair, nothing else would have woken him up from his neglect of our marriage. But at the same time, we keep running into disastrous emotional outbursts, mostly his, at his "unmet needs." I had gone into complete withdrawal--we never saw each other while we were awake, except to watch a movie and have sex, which was obligatory on my part, and he knew it. So I am having trouble shaking off the withdrawal and learning to love him again, mostly because he is emotionally a wreck, and vacillates between crying fits of anger, cussing fits of anger, and self-sacrificing overkill on meeting my needs. The way I see it, he isn't negotiating anything. He will one full day meeting ALL my needs to EXCESS, and then is totally disappointed that I am not racing to bed to strip him naked, wild with passion, and in his disappointment, he will have angry outbursts where he accuses me of not trying, not working, not giving. If I willingly have sex, he complains it's not passionate enough. Last weekend, he told me he wanted to only have sex if it is filled with unbridled passion on my part, and until those feelings come naturally, he will wait. He waited 12 hours and exploded with rage on me. I have brought the issue to him by addressing it within the 4 guidelines to successful negotiation, and he either offers a solution that meets ONLY my needs and not his, convinces me he's enthusiastic about it, and then blames me when it doesn't get him what he wants. Or he tries to suggest alternate ways to negotiate ("how about you guess what solution I want and I'll tell you how to sweeten the deal") or ("you just show only kindness and I'll reciprocate if it's kind enough). I feel like we have a step-by-step manual here, but when a conflict arises, he refuses to follow it, acuses me of being argumentative, and when I agree to do it is way, he blames me for the disastrous outcome (even though I get his agreement in advance that the process, and not the participants are to blame if we don't try Harley's way first). We have NEVER had a successful negotiation Harley's way--he will not stick to the program, and if I insist, he tells me I'm "lawyering" him and "nitpicking him" and being argumentative.

Am I wrong to suggest that we literally get out the book and follow the procedure step by step? He says he will do it, but when it's time to brainstorm, he will NOT make a list of many solutions--it's ONE solution that he comes up with, and it's either a huge emotional sacrifice on his part, designed to evoke a huge emotional sacrifice on my part (which never works), or it's a "my way or the highway" demand instead of brainstorming solutions.

I'm convinced it's his failure to honestly negotiate according to the plan that is further destroying my love and keeping us in this state of incompatibility. Any feedback is appreciated...like my username says, I feel like no matter what I do, it's never enough.

Of course he "can't get with" the MB program - your POSOM is a neighbor still. You both are being triggered whenever you see him or his house.

You have to move.


You just said you were having trouble shaking off withdrawal. I am sure your BH picks up on this. I'm sorry INE, but his actions as a BH seems somewhat normal under these circumstances. YOU need to get with the program - you have to move asap.

He should have no unmet needs. You are the WW here. You need to get with the program.

You're right - it isn't enough (yet).

Couple of questions.

You are sure the child on the way is his?

You were tested for STD's, right?

It is perfectly okay for both of you to take the blame for the state of your marriage BEFORE the affair. It is not okay to blame the affair on the state of the marriage. Instead of finding MB BEFORE you had an affair, you find MB afterward.

So go look in a mirror at the person who is responsible for the state of the marriage AFTER the affair. And there are lots of people here who will tell you that. As they should. They are going to pick you apart. As they should. They will tell you how your husband really feels. Well I hope they tell you.

The recovery of your marriage is up to both of you. And I see seven (7) good reasons why.

What I see in your post is a really good Vent. You threw out all the MB principles which your husband and you don't really understand yet and then confessed all his sins. Okay, you got it out of your system.

Ready to put on your big girl panties and get to work? Ready to do what it takes? Once you own what you did, really, then you are ready to take the journey. We will help you get your husband back on board the ship.

There is no reset button. There is no magic wand. It is hard, emotional work, ONE STEP AT A TIME. Both of you are trying to jump over steps and skip steps. That...will...not...work.

Larry

v
Well, first things first. The first thing is cut off all contact with your adultery partner. That can't be done if you are still neighbors. Living next door to the OM will keep you both triggered every day. So, unless you can move away, that ship ain't gonna sail.

Is the OM married and if so, does his wife know what you have done? Has the affair been exposed to your children and family? The more people who know, the more people to keep you accountable. And since this directly effects your children, they also need to know the truth. They should not be lied to and given false explanations about the tension in their home. They need to know that the neighbor man is the enemy of their family and a threat to them. EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW OF YOUR AFFAIR.

And lastly, I would remind you that forgiveness is not an entitlement for unrepentant waywards so I would lose the flippant attitude. You weren't throwing around bible quotes when you were involved in an affair; your use of them now seems far too convenient and more than a little hypocritical. Forgiveness needs to be earned, it is not an entitlement so lose the attitude, please.

If you think your husband will just FORGET what you did to him, let me disabuse you of that notion real quick. While forgiveness can be EARNED if you work really hard, he will never forget. I would print this out and hand it to him: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


It will take him about TWO YEARS to recover from the terrible crime you committed against him. That's IF you ever move away from your adultery partner.

The OMW must be told.

You and your BH must have NC with the OM. This means your house needs to be sold and you move your family. Move far enough away so there will be no bumpig into one another at church, stores, school, commuting to work, visit family, etc...

Has your BH questioned paternity?

Did you use protection. It seems 11 out of 10 times the WW did not use protection. You will need to have a DNA test if only to provide your BH with 100% proof the child is his.

My, my. This is wonderful.

I love children and I want yours to be happy. I hope that you will agree with me that the absolute best thing in the world for your children is for their parents to be married and in love with each other.

While I'm sure you can identify things that your husband has done which have prevented the mother of his children from being in love with him, I hope you'll also recognize that having an affair is the worst thing that could possibly done to his love for you.


Well, no, that's a great idea.


You probably both have a lot to learn about implementing this program. If it's not working, lack of education is usually a main cause. It was for both me and my wife. Lack of motivation is also often a major problem, but motivation tends to be created when you understand the program well enough to start following it correctly.

One thing you can do is get to educating yourself! Have you read all the way through this site's Basic Concepts? If not, I would suggest you do that immediately. The concepts of the program really all need to be taken together to be effective; you can't just try a little bit of it and expect a great success.

With more education if things still aren't working, you might find that a marriage coach can help you create and work your plan properly. There is a world of difference between learning a skill by reading a book, and learning a skill by reading a book -- with a master of that skill coaching you, offering suggestions, correcting your mistakes, helping you when you get stuck, and motivating you to succeed.

Like a diet, Marriage Builders works if you follow the program, but does nothing for you if you don't follow it. Also like a diet, a personal coach can keep you motivated and help you succeed.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8116_coach.html

Question: do you feel like this describes your feelings at all?


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8119_friends.html

Be aware that if you insist, you are engaging in a Selfish Demand, which is a Love Buster. Draining your husband's love bank is only going to make it harder to restore love in your marriage.

I think it would do you and your BH a world of good if you would sit back and take a deep breath. It seems like there is a lot of discussion and arguing going on with not too much progress to go along with it. You might want to come to grips with the fact that you might lose your H. I am a FWW and I know how much it hurts to hear this. But it is something the folks on here told me when I first came along and it really helped me understand things:

You have destroyed your H. Things aren't about you anymore, they are about him. You have to put your feelings aside and try to make amends with him. He would be in his rights to leave you. But, hopefully, if you follow the MB principles your M can be recovered.

Concentrate on becoming a better, more moral person with better boundaries. Stop thinking about yourself for awhile and concentrate on him and your babies. Rather than talking too much, let your actions do the talking. Men seem to respond much more to what we ladies do than what we say. Follow the MB concepts even if he doesn't seem "on board" with it. He'll see the benefits over time and will get "on board" without having to be forced.

Good luck.

I agree with both Markos and U233. Special attention to U233 as she has walked in YOUR shoes. And she is down the path you are supposed to be following. Learn from those who have done what you have done and understand both why and the consequences and how to do the right thing.

Larry

Ill never understand how having an affair can be the solution to marital problems. Did having the affair make you closer? The secret had to be found out, so you have honesty issues. Your husband now seems less willing to work on the marriage. So that is not better. I read in your post so much " I just want to get past this" and " Why doesn't he own his part of the blame?" This type of thinking tells me you are not owning the affair choice and the damage you brought to the family. And as long as you stay where you are, your marriage suffers.

And let's not forget your 7 kids ( 6 officially, and one present from God yet to be opened) Are their lives going to be improved by your affair? Do you think their lives are less important than your own? You did when you chose to sleep with someone other than their dad.

Another family being broken by the selfish pursuit of happiness. Sorry If I come across bitter, but I hate to see children losing out in their lives, because one of the parents decides their needs are more important that anyone else's

What are you willing to do, so your kids have the very best life they were intended to have? Could your life remain just as it is, if your kids are able to see both of you everyday? What do your kids want? Put that first.

If you end up divorcing, you may only get to see your kids every other week, or less. You might miss first time walking, talking, riding bicycles, catching a fish, going on a first date, proms, their own marriages, having their own kids, etc.

The rest of their lives they have to try and figure out how to see both parents on holidays, so only partial days with each, or one of the parents miss out. Thats if the kids don't blame and / or decide they they don't want you in their lives because of what happened to their family.

Yeah there is a lot to look forward too if this breaks your marriage.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ???



Sorry, I'm just not buying this.

itsneverenough has left the building.

I'm not posting any advice until I see that she comes back to have a dialogue...