About 6 months ago, in October, my husband discovered my affair in the worst way possible...by finding me in our bed, in our house with my lover of a year. He was obviously very shocked to learn of my betrayal and immediately sent me to live with my parents in a different state the very next day. My husband is a good man and has never abused me and I really think I committed this affair because I was in an alcohol induced depression at the time. My abuse of alcohol had put some distance between my husband and I, previous to the affair and I felt as if he no longer found me attractive and I was very lonely. Eventually I became addicted to my lover and was unable to leave him but still continued to love my husband very much. Since I left the state, I have never attempted to even communicate with my lover because I no longer feel addicted to him. My husband and I have been separated for 6 months now but we talk everyday on the phone. Most of our conversations involve me crying and displaying extreme remorse and regret for my behavior and begging him for his forgiveness. I
have finally confronted my troubles with alcohol and have given up drinking for the past 6 months. I have apologized to him for my selfish, reckless behavior and promised to never commit adultery again, as well as modify my selfish behavior and be more considerate of him and his family. I have also promised him that I would never, ever drink alcohol again. About a month and a half after our initial separation, I went to visit him and some friends. During that time, I did not stay with him and we never got much time to discuss the events alone. We were able to discuss some of his feelings one night but he brought two of his friends with him so that they could intervene if he lost control and got too angry. But, we never got a chance to spend time alone and discuss the affair or our future. We did have a few intimate embraces and he held me and told me he loved me and missed me, but he also needed his space.
I left and we continued to speak on the phone everyday. I sent him many letters and cards and emails apologizing and trying to reassure him that I would change my lifestyle and my behavior if he would allow me a chance to earn his forgiveness. This separation has given me time to miss him, appreciate him and fall in love with him all over again and I told him so. I not only apologized to him for my inappropriate behavior, but I also wrote letters to his parents and brother apologizing for hurting them as well. However, they refuse to talk to me and acknowledge my apologies. Family is very important to him and I have made many efforts to contact them and apologize for my hurtful behavior. I believe that they are pressuring him to leave me.
Earlier this month, he called me and told me that he was divorcing me. I was honestly shocked because we had never really spoke of divorcing at much length. I knew that it was an option for him, but I was praying that he would give me one more chance. We have been together for 13 years, and married for 7 1/2, so we have a long history together. When the papers came in, I found out he had actually filed the day after I left from my Thanksgiving visit in December, but did not have me served until recently. This lead me to believe that he was still uncertain about his decision to reconcile or to divorce. I later found out that he had recieved a phone call from his lawyer stating that the time to serve the papers was running out. So, he made the decision to have the papers served to me. He said this decision was soley his and he was unaffected by the lawyers phone call, his family or his friends. I'm not sure if I totally believe that, but regardless, the divorce has been put in action.
I know my husband loves me very much. We have had a mostly positive history together. We've only generally fought when I drank heavily, but I have promised him to never drink again. I have promised him to make more effort to appreciate him and his family and have also accepted God into my life. I have promised to never, ever hurt him again and to always respect him. He says that he believes my efforts to be genuine and he says that he knows that I am sorry and that I do love him. I don't have a history of adultery. However, during some of my black outs, caused by heavy drinking, I have come onto other men, according to some witnesses, but I do not have any recollection of that. When he has brought that up in the past, I dismissed it and ignored his pleas for me to stop my drinking. I never wanted to admit I had a drinking problem before, but I have finally accepted it and have given it up for good. I have never made promises to him and then broken them. I am not a pathological liar and have never been dishonest with my husband before this affair.
I just don't understand what else I can do at this point. If he loves me so much, why doesn't he want to save our marriage? If he loves me, why won't he even try? Is there anything I can say or do to get him to try marriage counseling before our divorce proceeds further? I love him with all my heart and I know that I would never betray him again. He says that he needs to close this chapter in his life....and that this does not necessarily meant this is the end of us, but why through a divorce? I am willing to do anything and everything to stop this divorce from taking place. Please help me. Everything I read says that most marriages with affairs don't end in divorce. Most people just need time and love to overcome this pain. I have plenty of both for him, I just don't understand how he can say he loves me so much but doesn't want to fight for us. I have considered asking him that, but I know he will pose that question right back to me and ask why I didn't choose to fight for us a year ago when I began this affair. I don't know if he's too embarrassed to accept me back and is worried about his family and friends reactions.... I am so confused and I feel so helpless. PLEASE HELP ME. PLEASE HELP US.

Broken up for old people readability.


Per Doubtful:

About 6 months ago, in October, my husband discovered my affair in the worst way possible...by finding me in our bed, in our house with my lover of a year. He was obviously very shocked to learn of my betrayal and immediately sent me to live with my parents in a different state the very next day.

My husband is a good man and has never abused me and I really think I committed this affair because I was in an alcohol induced depression at the time. My abuse of alcohol had put some distance between my husband and I, previous to the affair and I felt as if he no longer found me attractive and I was very lonely. Eventually I became addicted to my lover and was unable to leave him but still continued to love my husband very much.

Since I left the state, I have never attempted to even communicate with my lover because I no longer feel addicted to him. My husband and I have been separated for 6 months now but we talk everyday on the phone. Most of our conversations involve me crying and displaying extreme remorse and regret for my behavior and begging him for his forgiveness.

I have finally confronted my troubles with alcohol and have given up drinking for the past 6 months. I have apologized to him for my selfish, reckless behavior and promised to never commit adultery again, as well as modify my selfish behavior and be more considerate of him and his family. I have also promised him that I would never, ever drink alcohol again.

About a month and a half after our initial separation, I went to visit him and some friends. During that time, I did not stay with him and we never got much time to discuss the events alone. We were able to discuss some of his feelings one night but he brought two of his friends with him so that they could intervene if he lost control and got too angry. But, we never got a chance to spend time alone and discuss the affair or our future. We did have a few intimate embraces and he held me and told me he loved me and missed me, but he also needed his space.

I left and we continued to speak on the phone everyday. I sent him many letters and cards and emails apologizing and trying to reassure him that I would change my lifestyle and my behavior if he would allow me a chance to earn his forgiveness. This separation has given me time to miss him, appreciate him and fall in love with him all over again and I told him so.

I not only apologized to him for my inappropriate behavior, but I also wrote letters to his parents and brother apologizing for hurting them as well. However, they refuse to talk to me and acknowledge my apologies. Family is very important to him and I have made many efforts to contact them and apologize for my hurtful behavior. I believe that they are pressuring him to leave me.

Earlier this month, he called me and told me that he was divorcing me. I was honestly shocked because we had never really spoke of divorcing at much length. I knew that it was an option for him, but I was praying that he would give me one more chance. We have been together for 13 years, and married for 7 1/2, so we have a long history together. When the papers came in, I found out he had actually filed the day after I left from my Thanksgiving visit in December, but did not have me served until recently.

This lead me to believe that he was still uncertain about his decision to reconcile or to divorce. I later found out that he had recieved a phone call from his lawyer stating that the time to serve the papers was running out. So, he made the decision to have the papers served to me. He said this decision was soley his and he was unaffected by the lawyers phone call, his family or his friends. I'm not sure if I totally believe that, but regardless, the divorce has been put in action.

I know my husband loves me very much. We have had a mostly positive history together. We've only generally fought when I drank heavily, but I have promised him to never drink again. I have promised him to make more effort to appreciate him and his family and have also accepted God into my life. I have promised to never, ever hurt him again and to always respect him. He says that he believes my efforts to be genuine and he says that he knows that I am sorry and that I do love him.

I don't have a history of adultery. However, during some of my black outs, caused by heavy drinking, I have come onto other men, according to some witnesses, but I do not have any recollection of that. When he has brought that up in the past, I dismissed it and ignored his pleas for me to stop my drinking. I never wanted to admit I had a drinking problem before, but I have finally accepted it and have given it up for good. I have never made promises to him and then broken them. I am not a pathological liar and have never been dishonest with my husband before this affair.

I just don't understand what else I can do at this point. If he loves me so much, why doesn't he want to save our marriage? If he loves me, why won't he even try? Is there anything I can say or do to get him to try marriage counseling before our divorce proceeds further? I love him with all my heart and I know that I would never betray him again.

He says that he needs to close this chapter in his life....and that this does not necessarily meant this is the end of us, but why through a divorce? I am willing to do anything and everything to stop this divorce from taking place. Please help me. Everything I read says that most marriages with affairs don't end in divorce.

Most people just need time and love to overcome this pain. I have plenty of both for him, I just don't understand how he can say he loves me so much but doesn't want to fight for us. I have considered asking him that, but I know he will pose that question right back to me and ask why I didn't choose to fight for us a year ago when I began this affair.

I don't know if he's too embarrassed to accept me back and is worried about his family and friends reactions.... I am so confused and I feel so helpless. PLEASE HELP ME. PLEASE HELP US.

Thank you for your editing help!

doubtful, I want you to know my intention is to be helpful here. almost 4 years ago I had an A. I was manic (I have bipolar disorder). Hypersexuality is a documented symptom of mania. So one could extrapolate that my illness, in part, caused my A. But I refused to go there. I refused in part because an essential component for a WS is to take COMPLETE personal responsibility. Was my marriage unhappy? Yes, but not all people who are unhappy in their marriages cheat. Was I ill/manic? Yes, but not ALL manic people cheat. In the final analysis, illness, mental state, happiness of marriage were all irrelevant. I chose to cheat, and keep on cheating through the duration of the affair.

I share that because we live in an age of "I couldn't help it" and "It's a disorder." Personal responsibility is no longer vogue, but we have to claim it in order for our spouses to heal and in order to heal ourselves. When you speak of the A with your H, do you place the choice squarely on your own shoulders? Does he know that no matter what mitigating factors may have been there, you realize that the A was 100% on you? This is key.

My H was able to forgive me, but it was a process for him, and there were lots of ups and downs. He asked lots of questions, got angry, got silent, got distant, got close....And my job was to do whatever I could to rebuild trust, protect our relationship, make amends. Four years out, the A really is a non-issue. It's a storm we went through in the past, but it isn't what defines us. So there is hope.

Have you read Surviving An Affair? It helped me a lot.

Wow, I really feel for you. Reason being is, for your H to find you in bed with the OM is the worst way possible to find out. You have no idea what he's going through. I didn't find my H in bed with the OW, but I have visions of it and that's bad enough. I suggested you pray, pray and then pray some more. It will take time to get over something like that. You can't expect immediate results. You're going to have to be patient with him.

Take one minute at a time, be understanding and answer all of his questions and take whatever he dishes out. All you can do is all you can do. You made the mistake and forgiveness is possible, but it doesn't mean that he will take you back. He can forgive you and still divorce you, it's his choice. Don't pressure him, give him time and space. Stay busy by reading you Bible. The Bible is a mirror, it will show you your self.

doubtful, I'm sorry but your husband is right to run for his life. You are a BLACKOUT DRUNK, who is the worst kind of drunk. Not only that, but you blame your bad behavior on your drinking. That reflects the thinking of someone who takes no accountability for her crimes.

You committed one of the most egregious, disgusting acts a spouse can commit by getting laid in his bed. He would be CRAZY to stay with you. His "love" for you won't compensate your extreme unsuitabilty for marriage.Love is not enough.

My God, what if he had kids with you and you did that?

My suggestion would be to accept that you are a BAD RISK and focus your next few years on becoming a more suitable marriage partner. Don't get me wrong, I used to be such a loser, but you can change if you really try.

Let the man go, you ruined the marriage. Leave him alone, he doesn't need your crap anymore. Take this as a much needed lesson in life.

p.s. if you are a black out drunk then you need to get into a treatment center and get some help in changing your life. Stopping the drinking is just STEP ONE. Drunkeness is a result of a living problem and that needs to be resolved before anyone should take you serious.

p.s. forgiveness is not an entitlement program for blameshifting drunks. It is something to be given freely and NOT DEMANDED. And even if he does "forgive" you, it doesn't mean you are marriage material: you are not. He can forgive you, but he would be crazy to take you back.

Someone as destructive as this needs to lose ALOT to wake up. I hope you don't have lose MORE to get it.

doubtful, your BH has a right to end this M. You broke your vows in the worst way and you have no right to MAKE him forgive you. ALOT of people cannot get over such a betrayal. It's beyond anything you could imagine it to be. Add to that the visual of you two together, right there in front of his eyes, well you're actually lucky that he didn't go completely ballistic on the spot. There IS such a thing as temporary insanity and I'm sure he was close at that point.

Right now the best thing for you to do is to let him heal, however way that may be. He feels it's not WITH you. Respect that choice, don't try to manipulate this man. You have no clue what he is going through.

Start working on you. You have a drinking problem that MUST be addressed. You should be attending AA meetings NOW. Work on you. That's the only control you have in this.

doubtful-

Your BH may very well love you and he also may be able to forgive you some day. What he might not be able to do is take the risk of having his heart and life shattered again by another A. That doesn't mean he is weak or unforgiving. It just means he knows he can't endure it again.

As Dr. Phil would say, the only person you have control over is you. You need to work on your own personal recovery, no matter what happens.

Have you been in AA or working with an individual counselor (IC) to find out why you abuse alcohol? Have you worked through any of the 12 steps, either through AA or Celebrate Recovery (a Christian recovery program)?

I hope that you are able to work through your own recovery. Your BH's choices are his to make. I truly hope he can forgive you, even if he can't take the risk to stay M'd to you.

To all that replied to my post... thank you for all of your insight and advice bc it is greatly appreciated. I think I should change my title to my post bc I do not believe that I am entitled to any type of forgiveness. I was struggling for a name for my post and quickly chose that one. I don't believe that I am entitled to anything and my reason for posting was to see if there was anything else I could do to let my husband know how truly sorry I was and if I could do anything else to let him know how truly committed I was to changing my lifestyle and behavior. I have accepted the blame for the affair and have not tried to put any blame on him. I realize it was a deliberate choice, wrong as it was, that I made and not a mistake. I feel truly awful about it and I have given him space and am not going to make this divorce complicated bc I do realize that I was the one who ruined our marriage and our lives. I am finally starting to accept the fact that he can't heal with me....I love him very much and everyday I pray that he will heal from this terrible pain I have inflicted upon him and our family. I have never asked him to forgive me, only for a chance to earn his forgiveness through actions and time. I realize he doesn't owe me anything and I have nothing but respect for the way he has handled this very diffficult situation. I know I have committed a very grave sin and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive myself for ruining our lives and causing him so much undeserved anguish.

Doubtful,

I think you realize that what happened makes recovering your marriage almost impossible.

My FWW had an A that lasted nearly 18 months, but I have been willing and able to go through whatever it takes for R, because she's been willing as well. She ceased the PA part of things upon her confession.

Having her tell me some of the things made me ill, but mind movies are one thing. Seeing the reality would have been too much to overcome.

I'm glad it didn't happen that way for me, because I know I would have snapped. I could never have hurt her, but I have a baseball bat near the bed in case of intruders, and even though I was a .180 hitter back in the day, there was no way I could have missed Pond Scum. And I would have kept swinging. And swinging. And swinging.

All you can do is clean up your act, fix yourself, and give your BH peace of mind and let him go if that's what he wants.

If he can recover after seeing what he saw, he's a stronger man than I am.

I do wish you well. I hope for personal recovery for you both. That will be necessary before any hope of marital recovery is even possible.

doubtful

Here are some of the most important words that can ever be said to you:


I am not going to your pity party. Put your big girl panties on and learn the lesson of consequences. You can get an education for free right on this site. You can learn and pay back by posting to others, helping them will help you. When you accept responsibility for who you are and what you have done, you become a different person and thus shed the guilt and shame for your past behavior through becoming someone who would never, ever let the gerbils in your head take over again.

Larry

Why not just tell him that, in a letter, so he can choose to read it or not read it.

Something like you can't even begin to understand the damage that you've done, but that you will honor his request and divorce him, no contest. Suggest he set the terms, whatever he wants, he will get, no fight from you.

Sign the first proposal presented, don't argue about the things and details.

That would be a start in sending the message that you are remorseful about your actions.

But if you fight, if you start saying things like 1/2 the stuff is yours, then you send the message that you are all about you, and not about him.

Tell him you don't want anything but his happiness. You don't want any of the house, you don't want any of the things, you don't want alimony, you don't want him to pay your legal bills. You simply want to give him whatever he wants, no questions asked.

He may forgive you. He may divorce you and a decade or so later say he's forgiven you. He may never forgive you. I'm confident I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

But I am confident that if you fight, you send a very selfish message.

Heck, better yet, send a copy of that letter to his attorney. Even if he won't read it, his attorney will and will likely share the gist of the letter.

I have no intentions of fighting him for anything in the divorce. I think the sooner all of this is over, hopefully the sooner his healing process can begin. I honestly just want him to recover and maybe one day be happy. And, in the meantime, I will work on changing and becoming a more suitable marriage partner.

Ditto for me- I was in an episode most likely when I did it and I agree with luriossi2 here. I'm not about to blame my bad actions on that.

It might just be me but did anyone else think he sounds like a WH?

Doubtful:

You have said a few things that I think you need to consider in a different light. Permit me to quote what you said and respond point by point. You said ;
I don�t think you fully appreciate some things here. Us guys are very visual it is why seeing women and partially clothed women turns us on. Your H just saw his worst nightmare and as several posters here who have been in his situation can tell you, the movie that plays in his head prominently feature what he saw that day. He will be seeing that movie in his head for quite awhile, probably years. Apart from everything else I am going to say you need to understand he saw you with your LOVER. He knows this man was your LOVER because you had been going to this man, the OM, for your needs and intimacy and not your H. Over 1/7th of your entire marriage has been spent with you focused on your LOVER and not your H. This is really hard for someone to swallow. It takes far more than 6 months for him to recover from�if he ever fully recovers.

Do you see where this put your H? Your H has no reassurances that you won�t become addicted again to either alcohol or another man. 6 months is not nearly enough time for you to prove this to him.

Your apologies while nice and I am sure appreciated don�t change the facts. You once promised that you would be faithful to him and you broke that promise. Now you say you are promising him the same thing again. Are you going to AA? Are you in a recognized professional treatment program? Is there some way your H could/would be reassured about your efforts and prognosis for you addressing your alcoholism? You are an alcoholic and you will continue to be, the only question is can you address it and control it. AA is a good point to start, if you are not already doing this.


This is an excellent thing to do, but please please realize that actions speak much much louder than words.



I am sure he believes your efforts, what he doesn�t believe is that your efforts will remain, be consistent, or truly change you. That is where he is hung up with regard to this marriage.


As noted by previous responses, your blackout drinking is a very very bad thing. And while you don�t remember what you did, it does not excuse you from what you did while on these binges. Your H knows what you were doing and in fact you two argued about it constantly. Frankly what you did was abuse your H with your drinking and your actions.

Please note the part I put in italics. Those statements are not true. You did lie to your H and you have broken many promises to him. You are married and I don�t know what your marriage vows were, but I suspect they included comments about respect, fidelity, love, etc. You did not respect your H, you clearly violated the vow of fidelity and you did not act in a loving manner toward your H. You were too busy drinking. You abused the marriage and your H with your actions before and during the affair. Until you can truly face this, you won�t be able to address it, thus your H will not be inclined to reconcile with you.

What you can do is seek serious counseling for your alcohol issues. You can start to be truly honest with yourself. You can start to lead a life that is something YOU are proud of. You can start to work on your other issues as Mel alluded to. You can learn what makes for a good marriage with the information on this site. You can have patience with your H. He has left the door open with his comment that even after divorce there is a possibility to reconcile. It has happened on this site before.

He can love you because he does. What he cannot do is trust you. He can forgive you, but what he may not be able to do is remove the movies playing in his head. Your job is to lead your life properly and grow as a person. If you truly love him, then do so. Love is an action not a feeling, that is something that many don�t appreciate.


God Bless,

JL

doubtful

1) Let him go and work on yourself...having a BH stay in marriage and not forgive and continue to hate you is awful...I know. If your H can heal apart from you..perhaps one day you can remarry. I have a dear friend whose BH affair partner was her niece. They had a child. They divorced. She recoverd. He recovered. He then started attending the same singles bible study and courting her. They remarried. Her husbands daughter is her grand niece...and yet they have a good strong marriage.

He needs time. He may never come back to you. But living with a man who does not love you and throws your affair in your face is a very very hard life. I know.

2) you dont deserve forgiveness. but never the less God offers it. None of us deserve forgiveness..that is where grace and mercy come in. and redemption. I am blessed because God loved me and forgives me. My H may never forgive me and ultimately that is his decision to bare. Find God, let him fill your life. Go to AA, get right with god. Get right with yourself. And let your H heal as he feels he needs to. That letter is a good idea. AA is a great idea.

3) its gonna get even worse. Without the alcohol to numb you to lifes challenges and pains its going to hurt much worse for a time. My dday will be a year in June. My last drink was the same night as my one night stand with a stranger in las vegas who then invited friends into the room and they raped me. My drinking wasnt the one at fault. I was. I stopped drinking initially like you because I promised my BH i would. But...really I realized all a long drinking was a crutch that made me week. It numbed me to life. It is something I do not need. You need AA right now...you need God. Your BH needs time and space to heal.

Trust in gods direction and plan. If he wants you two to get back together then it will happen. If not - then you will find the path God has for you

Actually finding your spouse in bed with someone else might not be the worst way to find out. It has been 4 weeks for me now...i discovered video clips made by my wife and her lover doing things that she never did with me. I can hardly write this and am still shocked and confused to say the least. I have yet to tell my story here. This is my first post on the site.

I have not see my w's lover and I hope I don't. But the hurt was still pretty intense and stressful. I would not be able for forgive you either. I hope you find peace with yourself and that you have learned something from this. If you don't you will regret it the rest of your life.