Hi, I thought I'd post here.

I've been married to my H for almost 5 years. We have a son together 3yrs old. Came to the States to marry him after a year of long distance relationship, we got married in Upstate NY, I had a part time job while I waited for my green card, I was happy there because it's a city, 6 months after our marriage we moved down to a really small town in AL then not long after I got pregnant. I had a really high risk and hard pregnancy resulting in our son being born 5 weeks earlier. I really thought I suffered from post partum depression but I didn't know what it was or even bother to talk about it with my doctor, I just pushed H away, refused to have sex with him the whole time. I was very unhappy in that town, I couldn't drive, my green card process took forever (I didn't get it until my son was like 3 months old), I had no friends, the town doesn't even have public transportation, and also I had to deal with my then 11 years old stepson. I never married before and when I dated H I always thought the kids would stay with their mother. I guess part of me wasn't ready to be a step mother. Perhaps I had built myself a set of how my marriage life with H would be and when it didn't happen I started to emotionally feeling detached to him. Thinking back I knew he stood by my side the whole time I was so depressed and I know how bad I was treating him and still carry that guilt until today.

He found a job in China in early 2008, I didn't agree with this because the company refused to sponsor our visas (me and my son) but H went along with it, saying I'd be happy there. I resented the move and I went home to stay with my parents. During the 3 months I was away from him I got to contemplate on how bad I was treating him in AL and I wanted to fix this marriage.

So I went to China but I found that he gave a girl a place to stay as a favor for his friend (that's what he told me), I was so shocked, mad and hurt but I tried to believe his story. He said nothing happen but I knew he was already a different men then. I apologized to him because I realize all my mistakes and I owned them. He said he forgive me but he's still distant and so cold. We didn't even had any sex the whole time I was there. Because the company and we can't apply for my resident permit there I had to go back to my home country in Indonesia. Total I spent only 2 months there in China out of 1 year he was there.

When his contract ended, I asked him to come here while he wait for a new job. He didn't come until being unemployed for over a month. Three months after that he got a new job, a really nice position in one of the airline here. They sent him to France for a business trip only 2 days after they hired him. He stayed there for 4 weeks. I accidentally checked one of his email account that he barely use and there I found an email from a Chinese dating site. I went there, managed to get his password and saw everything he's been talking to girls there, reading his profile of looking for a nice girl for a serious relationship and possibly marriage, put his status as divorced. I was crushed, I was mad I yelled at him over the phone. Again, he said nothing happen, that he never meet them that it was just an online thing because he was lonely when he was in China. There was not one word of sorry from him.

When he got back, we moved to our own place provided by the company. Then just last week, a day after my birthday I found pictures that he emailed to this girl from his Blackberry (he didn't know that it would still be stored on the Sent folder!). Plenty pictures of her in bed, two pictures of them together, 1 in a plane somewhere (last month when he said he had to go for an outstation audit trip - later was confirmed by the company's driver, the girl was there when the driver pick him up), one of the picture is him holding her from behind, all smiling and I saw that sparkle in his eyes...the kind of sparkle I haven't seen since we left AL.

I moved out but to this day he still denies anything happen between the two of them. At first he said she's a flight attendant just being silly, then next she's someone from work who happened to be on the same flight. I had found out her name and she's one of his staff at work. He said I can't confess something I didn't do even with the evidences piling up.

He's been so cold since China, we barely had sex even when I initiated it he would refused. We're living like roommates and I tried and tried to show him I love him but he just shot me cold and I guess I finally gave up trying. He worked so much, sometimes he didn't come home at all. I started to feel even more unhappy than I was before. I had told him, email him, writing him letters telling how much I want his old self back but if he doesn't love me then I will set him free, to which he only reply I love you and I want to be with you, if not I would've walk away a long time ago.

Today he said in his email that he still can't let go of what happened in AL even after I apologized, he still hold it against me. While I still can't let go of all these 'girls' I found out about and I told him this. He agree to separation for now.

I do still love him but how can we move past this? Is this even worth fighting for? I feel so guilty for my son...I know he miss his Daddy and still needs him but I'm afraid to let him go alone with our son because he used to threat me that if I'm going to leave him, our son will be staying with him.

I had found two English speaking marriage counselor here although I doubt he will want to go since I had begged him to go to counseling in China but he refused.

I'm just so lost. Part of me doesn't want to file for divorce but part of me is still hurting so much from all his affairs even when he keep denying them and I still do love him.

Sorry for the long post. I can be very wordy when I type something.

I guess part of me was really hoping he would at least shows that he wants to fight for this marriage...:(

Welcome to MB.

Please read the articles here to equip you to fight this. Exposure of your husbands infidelities, without his knowledge, is key to breaking his infidelity.

Secondly, you need to express disgust at his continued activities while meeting his emotional needs. Do this for six weeks. This is the bones of plan A.

Imagine, thank you for your reply. I've been reading so much in the last few days and it helps if he would just show that he wants to fix this marriage, I mean he still doesn't admit any wrong doing. Saying she was just a friend that he talked about our marital problems and I told him that's emotional affairs if not physical but again denials.

I read the letters here on Q&A and my soul break even more seeing how most husbands will apologize to their wife...sadly mine doesn't do that at all. This makes me wonder if these whole thing are really in my head? Am I thinking too far? I just don't know what to believe anymore.

I had exposed their 'relationship' to his boss and the company's owner. He's furious sending me emails thanking me for trying to ruin him at work. Also, his parents know about this but they are in FL so there's not much they can do at this point. My FIL said something kinda funny and sad at the same time when he found out I had moved out he said "CONGRATULATIONS! I LOVE YOU!"...isn't that something?

I am so lost right now.

Your WH is not going to apologize because he doesn't feel guilty. He feels entitled. He feels like he has a right to be happy. Most waywards do not admit any wrongdoing at first.

You have to decide what you want, make a plan to get to that goal, and then work your plan regardless of what he does.

Let me see if I have the timeline right:

Long distance relationship
Late 2005 you marry in NY
Move to AL mid 2006, get pregnant late 2006, you love-bust nonstop.
Mid 2007 son born, you still love-busting.
Early 2008 H goes to China; you see him 2 months out of that year
He moves back w/you in early 2009 after a month of unemployment and is w/you for 3 months.
H finds a job mid 2009 and is immediately gone to France for 4 weeks.
I guess you've been living with him not quite a year since he got back from France and he's been having an affair this whole time.

So basically, you guys had a honeymoon period in NY for about 6-9 months but the rest of your marriage has been you love busting and him having an affair. That's not much to build on but if he wanted to be out of the marriage he would have filed for divorce, which he hasn't yet done.

I suggest you read about Plan A, Emotional Needs, and Love Busters. Then come back here and tell us what his top three ENs are (your best guess). Also how you're controlling your love busters.

Don't tell him about marriage builders.
Don't talk to him about the marriage, or the relationship.
DO meet his ENs.
DO expose his affair.
DO post here often.

About Exposure; change genders to suit your own situation.

--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell her you're going to expose. Just do it. If she has advance warning, she will tell her friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. H is controlling and angry. He won't talk to me, he won't listen to me. He is possessive and jealous, and he accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OM has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a man would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

If WH and OW work together you can use this as a template. It was written by MB member and corporate attorney Brit's Brat.

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS

Your timeline is almost correct.
From reading I think his most ENs that I failed to fulfilled are: Affection, Sexual Fullfilment and Conversation. I tried giving him this in China after finding out about his first affair but he was so cold and after so many rejections I just clammed shut. I tried this again after he got the job here but then again he's so cold, he still kissed but it's more like a 'dutiful' kiss before he goes to work and after he got home and before he went to bed. The conversation needs...I tried to engage in all the conversations but after hearing just the troubles he brought home from work I got so drained because he didn't even ask me how my day was anymore, it was all about work. It gotten so bad that I could actually tuned him out for the last couple of months. Looking back now I realized how much I rejected him in the past (in AL) from all of his most important ENs and when I did tried to give him his rejections made me stop trying months ago resulting in his third affair.

Me controling my love buster is kinda hard right now since I'm still staying at my parents (they're hurt and very disappointed at him) but I've been trying to answer his emails, texts and chats in a calm mannerism even after he said I'm trying to ruin him at work by sending that email to his bosses. I realized I need to learn to control my Angry Outburts because I tend to bottled things up inside until its too late. I know my temper has gotten the best out of me most of the time and I am trying to change that as hard has I can.

My father had emailed him to come see him but he didn't want to come simply because in one of my angry email to him I said don't even bother coming here it's useless which now I regret. He replied to my father saying I told him not to come and if he wants to talk then my father is welcome to come to our apartment. This made my father upset, I'm Asian and in Asian culture this act of telling the elder to come find you is offending. So now I'm even more lost than before.

He told me that he didn't have affair that she's only a friend but that one picture of them together...where he's kind of holding her from behind and took the picture with his call phone screamed more than 'friendship' and I saw that sparkle in his eyes that I haven't seen in years.

I do want to fix this marriage but I don't know what he wants anymore. He's still hurt and so am I...

Thank you for your replies.

I should've read that letter before I emailed his boss, the company's owner and the HRD manager.

Here's what I wrote in that email:
I do not know your policy regarding internal office affairs but I have these pictures as proofs and witnesses saying my husband, xxxx and xxxx are having an affair, they even flew out of town together on February 19, 2010 - February 21, 2010 when he told me he is on an audit trip. This women has been spending night(s) at the apartment that the company provided for his family. I believe you will do what's right on this matter since it is involving your employees and I shall do what is right for myself and my son.

Thank you,

I haven't heard anything back from them but I knew his boss probably had called him since he sent me angry email on Saturday saying "Thank you for trying to ruin me at work."

I have to add that last Thursday (March 10th), the company's driver (who also used to drive me and my son around) called and said when he came to the apartment to pick WH up, the OW was there. They went to the bank together obviously to open another bank account (since his paycheck has been transferred to mine before). This crushed me to pieces, all my reconciliation hopes felt shattered.

When I asked him about this he said the girl showed up in the morning waited for him at the lobby because he needs help to open the new bank account.

I just don't understand this, if he still love me like he said he does and wanted to fix our marriage then why is he still keeping in touch with that girl? In my head she's probably had stayed all night and already act like the wife by calling the driver to pick them up at the lobby

It's almost been a month since I had moved out.

Met him on March 16, 2010 to talked about where do we wanna go from here. I thought my H and I can reconcile as he had agreed to go to counseling and told me nothing happened with him and the OW, that they had agree to stop it because she started having feelings for him. On March 23, 2010 just a day before our scheduled first counseling...I managed to opened his fake email account and found all his love emails to her, emails to a Chinese girl that he called my wife, emails he sent out to inquire for escort services while he's out of the country. I even got to chat with the OW using his messenger account and she really thought I was him and started calling him sweetheart, honey, how they had a fantastic weekend (he told me Saturday night that he had to go out of town but I did checked with the manager there and he wasn't there!)

This felt like a stab because before he had agree that he still wants to fix our marriage. I had exposed him to his families & work but apparently a local airline here couldn't care less about this kinds of stuffs. He had agreed to cut all contacts with the OW, agreed to go to counseling.

So I went ahead to the counselor without a care anymore if H will show up or not. I got there early, then suddenly H showed up. He and I both waited by the lobby for almost half an hour and I can't even look at him because I feel so angry inside.

The counselor was great. She asked us how it all started...the problems through out the years. H answered her mostly while I just sat there trying so hard not to bawls my eyes out. She quickly offered the possibility of me having a post partum depression after she heard from H about my very difficult pregnancy (I had a severe preeclampsia, was hospitalized twice, stayed on a bed-rest for 1 whole month and our son was born 5 weeks early with breathing problem) and I told her I don't know for sure because I didn't tell anyone how awful I felt at the time.

She then asked me what I wanted and I told her honestly before I found all these emails in H's fake email account I was so determined to work things out but now I'm not sure anymore. When she asked H if there is a third person be it a friend or whatever he wants to call it, H said yes but she's nothing but a friend (remember, in his emails he calls her sweetheart, he professed his love) and they had mutually agree to end things between them. This is when I whipped those emails out and showed H. The counselor refused to see them out of her professionalism I guess. She then explained that for us to work on the marriage first the third person needs to be out of the picture. H just sat there and didn't say a thing. She asked "If you feel like you are having problem letting that other person go or end things with her...we can also address that and work on it." Again, silent from his part.

I just can't believe that he sat there and still denies everything when the OW and I chat (well she thought I was him) and she told me what a fantastic weekend they just had.

The counselor then pointed that I had become obsessive in finding proof of their affair to which I agree because like I said before my gut feeling has been telling me he's not telling the truth.

She explained that for us to move on and for me to gain the trust back H needs to cut all contacts with the OW and make it as transparent as possible. She even suggested H to write a 'breakup email' that he must show me first before sending out or she said for H to take me and introduce me to the OW which will show the OW that he is really married and had chose to stay with his wife.

She also said that until the trust is regain H can't complain about me not trusting him enough because the trust has already been breech. (He was so upset that I 'stoop' so low to crack opened his fake account and impersonating him). She said H will also have to allow me to check every email accounts he have and go through his cell phone (this is hard, we are using prepaid so...).

Again, part of me wish H would admitted everything and apologize to me wholeheartedly the way some of these husbands I read that had an affair but repent...he just sat there said my biggest mistake was putting up with how cold she was when we were still living in AL!

After the counseling he emailed me basically asking me to stop telling him what to do "and as far as the other thing goes, I got myself into it so you have to let me handle it and get myself out of it my own way" was his exact words...

Either he is trying to cut the OW off or the A had gone deeper underground because I did found out the day after the counseling that his 'fake' email has been deleted, and so does the OW's two email accounts.

Should I just use Plan B? I am just so very lost right now. I am still mad and angry as hell because I felt like he keeps lying to me. I don't know how am I suppose to trust him again even when I know I still love him.

Tonight I went there to picked up the rest of my stuffs. We fight again over this. But when I was about to leave, he pull me and he cried...he said "Please let me try to fix this..." I stare into his eyes and for a moment I saw the men I had fallen in love with 6 years ago and it is breaking my heart to leave him but I told him until he can shows me proofs that the A has ended then we can talk about how to fix this marriage but in the meantime I'd rather not see him. I tried giving him back my engagement ring but he won't take it. He said that's mine and he meant it when he gave it to me even said if I can't wear it for now that's fine and he understands. This is breaking my heart so much but the OW's words about how much they had fun that one weekend before our counseling session still haunts me. He said that weekend he did met her but only to broke up with her but to me if he really did that then why the OW would still calls him "Honey..." when I chatted with her on messenger? Why she said they had a fantastic time, holding hands, laughing together even went to the movie? Part of me wants to believe him but part of me is hurting too much and the pain is unbearable anymore.

Am I going crazy here? Somebody please help me

Actually you are doing well. You really need to do a short solid Plan A, where you show him what a good wife you could be with no angry outbursts or lovebusters.

Your counselor sounds like a fairly good one. Keep going to counseling, and gently let your husband know that there cannot be 3 people in a marriage.

The other thing is that you and your husband need to live together, you've been apart too much.

Your counselor should not be offering to "work on" getting rid of OW. OW has to go, or there's no reason to even be in counseling.

Your "obsession" with snooping is absolutely necessary. You are being LIED TO. By snooping, you are taking the bull by the horns and finding the info that your WH is hiding from you. Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Your WH has a hidden email account, for cripes' sake! With severely damning evidence of an A on it! Snooping is a way for you to protect yourself - how dare your counselor tell you that you are obsessive!

Your H is going to have to cut ties completely with OW. He needs to send a NC letter that YOU approve and send.

You need to snoop for as long as it takes in order to feel safe. This should be a term of remaining with your WH. He should have no problem with being transparent. UNLESS he's hiding something.

You should have complete access to all of his financial accounts, email accounts, and cell phone, etc. As far as the pre-paid cell goes: regularly switch your phones. You take his one day and he takes yours that day. Don't let him snow you with "I need my phone for work phone calls!" Tell him you'll forward all appropriate calls to him at your cell phone number.

He suppose to go to his first one-on-one session last Monday evening but he didn't come and I didn't even know about it until last night. He mentioned to me on my way out of the door that he will call the counselor and schedule a new appointment for himself.

I know I can't demonstrate or carry Plan A if we are still living apart but I don't know how to go back there and live with him when I still feels this way.

He told me that I am too impatient that I have to let him 'do it his way' no matter how hard I try telling him that he has lost the rights to do it his way, it has to be my way or I'm out of the picture for good. This made him said I am selfish!

Also last night when I was at the apartment I told him "If you really have nothing to hide let me go through your cell and show me all of your emails right now!" I was so upset and angry and he said he's not going to do all this not when I'm being so upset. WTH???

I feel like even when he said he still love me and I still does love him too it's just not enough to save this marriage.

He said "No sin is bigger than another" referring to how bad I was treating him in the past (due to my possible post partum) and compare it to his affairs which he still denies. If there is no sex involves then it is still an EA and that's just wrong doesn't make it any less painful.

That's a good idea to switch phone although I doubt he will do it since his blackberry is pretty much his life where he got all calls/emails from work and the OW obviously.

I had stopped snooping after the first counseling session because I thought I had enough evidence that the A is still going on and I told him now it's his turn to proof to me that they are over.

Somedays I 'flipped' (after I text him and he didn't reply right away, in my head I thought he's with the OW!) and completely told him its over but the next day I want to work it out. He said this is my problem, I keep changing my mind.

I realized my angry outburst is my lovebuster and I am working on it with the counselor's help but when my mind gets the best of me I can be so mean and saying really bad things to him out of this pain.

This is exactly what my WH said to me all the time too! How amazing all those people act the same!

This means that they have no intention of ending the affair - that is "their way".

Please stop threatening him Ultimatums never work.

And just curious how the two of you met. It may be that he is nothing but a serial cheater.

OMG! I was so mad when he said 'doing it his own way' and I said he have to do it the way our counselor said or else it's not going to work.

I had stopped with the ultimatum and had actually made a Plan B letter but I just don't know who to point as our IM who will be fair, my family will probably can't keep their mouth shuts and will pass what he said to them.

We met online (through one of my friend). Actually that's what I thought too that he's a serial cheater because I called his ex wife wanting to know her side of the story. All of these times he told me his ex cheated on him all the time. She said it's the other way around. She caught him going into a hotel with a young girl (he was 30 at the time) but he denied everything saying he's just helping her out getting a room coz she's having problems at home with her parents. Can you believe the story he created? She gave him an ultimatum and he followed her home. Then he cried confessed how he had 20-30 girls he slept with during their entire marriage. She didn't find out until their 7th year. The counselor said he might have a sexual addiction but she wouldn't know for sure until he meet her.

I'm thinking it may be a pattern. Or he may have a sexual addiction. What is your immigration status if you don't stay married?