We are two years out from D-day. My WW has for the most part done everything right since. She doesn't go out anymore without me present. She has given all passwords and is transparent. We got pregnant six months after d-day and now have a wonderful child. There is so much that is perfect now about our life and our relationship. At this point I feel like that biggest thing hindering us is that I think about the past every single day. I can't get it out of my head and constantly have questions. WW took a polygraph that addressed most things, but not things like "did she enjoy it." I struggle every day with the minutia of details even though I have no reason to believe she has been dishonest anymore after the poly.

Fifty percent of the time I feel like giving up, and that I now have an excuse to leave. We have both read the materials and do our best to practice them. I would say that we aren't perfect at meeting each others needs. I travel a lot for work so it makes it difficult to meet hers. She hasn't met mine since the birth of our child because she is no longer physically attractive to me, and doesn't meet my needs for SF.

Despite all of this, I still want to make things work because of our history and our gorgeous child. Any advice how to avoid dwelling on her mistakes? I am 33. She is 32. Been married for three years with one child (tests confirmed). I am confident that NC is firm and in place due to call records and moving out of state. Thank you in advance.

Need

Welcome to Marriage Builders, the club nobody wants to join. I feel your pain. Frankly, you are obsessed. Exactly why, I am not sure. I have a few theories, but will wait to see more of your posts before I make any observations.

I do think you it would have been prudent for you to delay the production of a child until you were fully recovered. That said, you did it and there is no reset button.


Frankly, I am a bit disturbed by this comment of yours. Women who have had a child usually take a bit of time getting their figure back. In addition, it is dirt common for a woman to be focused on the new baby, IT IS THEIR JOB! So I kinda thought that was a bit of a whine. After all, it was YOUR child. For a laugh, imagine what the world would be like if MEN had the babies.

You will find help here. You will find compassion for you and your child and yes, for a former wayward wife who is doing her best to recover from what she did. Do answer any questions presented to you as honestly as possible.

One of the things you need to do almost immediately is to read Dr. Harley's extensive and detailed help postings available using the right hand menu. You should consider buying and reading the book Surviving an Affair, then His Needs, Her Needs, both by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.

There are certain techniques you can use to help change your mind set to one that will take you down the road to a really great relationship with your wife. She will need to sign on for the journey at some point. With a new baby, it might take her a bit of time before she can focus on anything but the baby. That is the job for new moms and is totally appropriate.

I will be back to comment again after others have greeted you and you post more.

Larry

Thanks for the response. We have purchased and read all of the books. We have both read most of the information on the website.

I wish we found the website prior to conceiving our child. But we didn't. We were in hysterical bonding phase of things I guess.

Despite following most of MB at this point, she claims to be nearly 100% happy, and yet I feel very little happiness anymore. This is due to dwelling on the past. I have read Mark's thread on Managing Triggers. It helped. I no longer get AO when I trigger. I just get withdrawn or maybe sad. Problem is I don't know how to pull myself out of the sadness.

Oh wow. Normally we get those who haven't read anything. LOL, what a treat. I can tell you know things and that is good.

I gotta go take care of kids. Before I do that, please answer one question for me. If you could start to stifle your obsession, would you really try to recover your relationship with your wife, really? Go take a look at her and your baby BEFORE you answer.

Larry

Hard to know how to answer that one. I like to think that I am trying to recover all the time. I think we both are honestly. I want nothing more than to be happy with her. She seems to do most things right following the MB concepts, but I still get down and depressed. I understand that this is probably normal reading the material here, but i also want to get to a point where I no longer struggle with the pain.

Look at the thread I posted about, well, posting. Somewhere near the bottom is a post about BRASS. Read it please.

Wish I could stay up late tonight, I usually do. But not tonight. It is quite here sometimes after 10PM. Others will post sooner or later. Be patient. You have expressed your problem and those who want to help or just tell you they care, will be along sooner or later.

Good answer.

Larry

The solution is to fall in love again and it doesn't sound like that happened because you aren't using this program. How much UNDIVIDED ATTENTION time are you spending together each week?

And why are you not sexually attracted to her?

I just had a thought. Will you promise to hang around for at least a few days or a week or so at least? If you will, I want to post to you and interact with you on a fairly frequent basis like every day or so based on our mutual schedule. I have some ideas that might just help you, but not if I try to put it all in one post.

There are others here who can help you as well, maybe even more than me. I have no ego when it comes to that. But some are not active on any given day or any given week. They have real lives they must attend.

Patience.

Larry

We are using the program fairy well. She is not attractive to me because she has baby weight that she hasn't lost. She was very in shape since I have known her. She met OM at a gym, so now she doesn't want to work out at a club any longer. We spend 15 hours a week of UA time most weeks except when I travel for work.

Larry....I have no problem following along. I read every single day, and have done so for the last year.

needtobehappy, what you describe above is not using the program at all. And the proof is in the pudding. The end result of this program is romantic love and that has not happened.

Have you considered getting coaching from the counseling center to help you use the program?

What is being done about her weight? How much overweight is she?

Here is one way that helps me, I tell my DH that the past is making me sad and he DOES something to make me feel better. A hug or a reassuring look or what ever he can to help. The fact that he is willing to continue to help me heal helps me continue to heal.

Is your W willing and has been able to do WHAT EVER you need in this recovery. ?

If the answer is no- then why is that?
Does she know what you need when you need?
Are you O&H with her about what you need from her?
Is is unwilling to do those things ?

If the answer is yes-
Are you the one keeping the past alive and sabotaging your own recovery? What do you think you need to move past it? is it the "did she enjoy it Q"? So what if she did, its a NORMAL physical response, thats why people have sex to begin with. I am not trying to be crude just trying to help you get over the hump( tehehehe) if thats where you are stuck .What is the "good" answer to that q in your mind. What can she say that will it help you move past?

The A is already a part of your life and it cant be erased. It can only be put far far behind by time and a constant on going effort to make its memory an un-painful one in the present.
What is missing from your or her effort to uplift your sadness from the A.
Is it really the A or is it new and everyday M issues (child rearing, lack of SF) and all the usual problems M's suffer that need to be attended to by MB101?

Could it be that you are suffering from depression or have a chemical imbalance that makes you generally unhappy? Have you considered taking anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds? Did you struggle with "feeling happy" before the A? Do some real soul searching and answer this question honestly to yourself. There are MANY people who struggle with happiness and have never had any exposure to infidelity. I have a friend who is miserably unahppy all the time. She blames work for her unhappiness. She demonizes everyone who works with her. She has a loving husband, a comfortable lifestyle, two dogs, and good physical health but none of this matter to her. Every unhappy thought she has gravitates back to work. But there is nothing different about her professional life than anyone else's. She just happens to blame it for her unhappiness.

Can you think of anything besides your child that makes you happy? Can you see that there is a lot more in life than dwelling on a past infidelity to the point that it makes you unhappy?

Of course, the A happened and will never be erased. However, there is no reason use it as a reason for not enjoying life or for letting your M die. You've read enough of the MB forum to see that.

NT.

Let me explain what I am going to do. By posting to you frequently and having you respond as much as you can, your situation stays at the top of the heap, so to speak. People will read your thread and some will respond, others will not.

Someone or more likely, several someones, will see something or a chord will be struck in their minds and hearts and they will post a thought, idea or emotion that will in turn find a home in you. And progress will be made toward the goal you seek and I suspect there is more than one goal. You have mentioned your obsession. There is always more. And that is not a bad thing that prevents you from having a first class relationship, it is just the usual stuff that has to be dealt with.

In other words, I am gonna act like a can opener that you can use to open up the contents and expose whatever there is to the light of day so someone here can help. This is a collaborative, peer type counseling forum that Dr. Harley has set up on purpose to help people, just like he gives away for free his genius. I suspect he makes a good living anyway and I also suspect that his coaching staff does as well.

Yet he is a man of ethics and he likely knows that there are many people out here who cannot afford his direct services beyond a few books, so he gives his stuff away to help those willing to work for it. Call it sweat equity.

More to come.

Larry

Mark posted something that helped me. I'm 6 years past D-day and divorced, but still bothered by the affair. Anyway it was about how your brain goes over the same old memories, and over and over again. You need to make new memories to get it off track. I only read it a month ago, and I think it is amazing how well it works.

Also is there any chance you could change jobs and be home more often?

I totally agree with U223 --

Talk to your doc about the possibility of situational depression.
Maybe your system needs a little kick-start to get back in balance.

Obsessive thoughts and general unhappiness is a big clue.

Need, your posting name is telling: you need to be happy. You understand, of course, that happiness is born inside you. YOU need to set things in place that will make you happy. Now, obviously, the A makes you unhappy. But it sounds like you're dwelling on it at the expense of your emotional happiness.

I get where you're coming from, I really do. I spent a long time dwelling on DH's A - much longer than was healthy for me. It was like picking at a scab. I just wouldn't leave it alone. Pick pick pick, and the wound wouldn't heal. I was getting a secondary gain from the A. Read this, a quote from Dr. Harley:

"Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness."

How is hanging on to these thoughts helping you, need? Think about that really hard. My reason to keep picking was that I needed that 'check' - I needed to remember how I felt, how bad it was, to compare to how I was currently feeling. If that makes any sense.

I eventually came up with the brainstorm that mentally rehashing the A was creating negative emotions within me - I was doing that to myself! Why in the world would I want to create a negative environment to make myself feel bad? I was missing moments of happiness in order to make myself feel bad!

It took some stern mental lectures and a conscious decision to live 'in the now' to help me with that. I deserved so much better than to dwell in the land of Affairdom. And you do, too.

So. Having said that: When I found myself drifting into AffairLand, I would consciously say to myself "Stop! Look around you. What is happening in your life right now." And I would list those things. It could be "I'm watching the kids play Monopoly - looks like DS is going to buy up all the railroads." or "It's time to check the meatloaf - I wonder if I should throw a little more sauce on top?" or...any mundane thing. As long as it was happening at that moment.

It's brain-training, need. For purporting to be so smart, the brain can be a pretty dumb organ. Witness it's sometimes insatiable need to rehash what is the worst experience in your life.

NTBH

Well, I understand the need to make a living. That you have to travel is somewhat of a handicap in terms of meeting Dr. Harley's objectives for building romantic love as Mel has pointed out. Yet you DO have the responsibility of earning a paycheck for the protection of your family. It is what guys in your situation do.

In addition, new baby is a distraction, as new babies always are and new mom has to sort her emotional priorities out and she will as time goes on. It is an adjustment for you both.

You have been here a year. You have read and absorbed as much as you can. You do not have the benefit of the intense learning experience of either the weekend or the online course with coaching. You have read extensively. That is where you are.

It has been two years after the event and a year of actual recovery that has been in fits and starts because of time and the constraints of reality in your life. I understand. Plus, the economy being what it is, jobs are few and far between. You need to hold on to the one you have, I suspect.

I see three problems:

1. Your obsession. You are getting great posts on this. Read them carefully and explore the possibilities. Post more on the subject and thus drag in even more advice. Make an appointment with a coach - Jennifer or Steve at the coaching center - or a local therapist for depression and obsession. I don't see why you need more than one or two sessions to give you a plan that will work.

2. Your marriage. Spend as much time as you can following the Harley guidelines. Make it fun and not serious. When you are on the road, call her a few times or more a day and ask about the baby. It will make her day and maybe make your day as well. More on this as time goes on from me and others.

3. Her weight. Oh puleeze. Here is where you get a one by two, not a two by four. She just gave birth. It was your kid. Close your eyes. Her weight and stretch marks are those a woman gets when she gives you the greatest gift any woman can ever give a man, his child, his immortality. Is it a boy or girl? Hold that baby, love that baby, let that baby smile at you and hold your finger. Think about the baby growing up, taking the first step, the first word, the first day of school, the first boyfriend or girlfriend and if a girl, cleaning your shotgun when that first date comes by.

You will be toast my friend, toast.

I say again, how she looks right now is what she earned giving you the greatest gift any woman can give a man.

Larry

Ouch... I had a good response and my wireless card failed.

At any rate, I would say most of my issues with unhappiness at this point are because of me. I won't rule out depression but I have never been checked. But I was unhappy before D-day sometimes for no reason at all so maybe I should see a doctor.

With her weight, I understand that a woman changes after a baby. I would just like to see some effort at exercise or eating healthier. I think that with the warmer weather things will improve. We have both expressed a desire to get outside and go for walks or go jogging. That will hopefully improve not only our health but time for RC which is high on my list.

I am learning to avoid TV shows, radio, topics on MB that trigger me. Or when I do trigger she is better at recognizing it and giving me a hug.

As far as changing jobs, it would always be a possibility if I/we were willing to accept a lower pay. I work in a highly specialized niche market that requires travel. I could find another line of work with my degree, but would prefer to not change.

So with my abbreviated response, please know that I appreciate all the comments and advise even if I didn't answer every question. Looking forward to traveling home tomorrow to see my girls and catch up on the 15 hrs of UA over the weekend.

Yea! A daughter.

Larry

Get one of those daddy carriers.

And yes, leadership is a good thing as mom keeps her attention focused on the new baby daughter. Mom's health is a good thing to worry about after she has given birth.

That daughter is so going to own you. . .

Larry