Please help me. I will try to be breif.

I have been married for 27 years. in july 2008 my husband had a board meeting in Amelia Island he was getting a new project manager from the corp of engineers, when she came he told me not to bother him and he sat down with her "to go over business" and never came back to me. that was the last time i went to one of his boardmeetings.

From that time on till sept. 2009 my husband was leaving on business trips at least once a week. We bought a new house and he refused to sell our townhouse house. He started unpacking his own bag which he never did before and on these trips I never asked and he never told me where he was staying. He started calling less and less when he was gone and earlier and earlier. I remember in November of 2008 he shaved his grion area, but I never asked about it. In jan 2009 at the new house I got locked out and called his work and called his cell phone and couldn't reach him till noon and was at a new neighbors house in my pj for 4 hours. he was furious he had to come unlock the door for me. In feb 2009 the week of our anniversary he had a "business trip" I asked him not to go and he said"you're making me do this". he did come home by friday with flowers for our day. in march2009 I was getting the laundry and his underwear was covered with "junk", thoughts came to my mind but I didn't say anything. In June for my birthday I wanted to go to his board meeting then go on a little cruise, he said it was stupid. so I said I needed a dog because he was gone so much, I got one. The end of June my son was having another baby so I was going up to delaware to pick up their other son to stay with us for a month while the new baby got settled in. right before I left I got a "bladder infection" it was horrible, then had a rash down there all summer. I had noticed my husband had blisters all around his mouth the beginning of june.

I wanted to take allen,my grandson, to ameila island with my husband when we got back to florida. it was july again and that's where his board meeting was. he got mad and said no! of course the meetings besides the board meetings were still flowing!

THEN COMES SEPTEMBER 2009...first off my mom was over watching football with d and he wasn't around I go into the computer room and there he is, he turns the computer off real quick but I saw he was looking for jazz concerts in Jacksonville(where the corp of engineers are). I asked him why he said no reason.... then at the end of the month was his board meeting in jupiter where we live he didn't want me to come but I insisted to show off my puppy. Well, when I got there he was hugging and kissing some woman. his engineer and his wife came over to say hi to me then the woman who was hugging d ran over to me and bruce and his wife exited really fast it was uncomfortable! Any way this woman followed me around talking about hereself then started telling me how much she "loved" my husband and everything they have in common and how our lives paralelled each other they got married in collage we got married in collage, blah,blah blah. my husband never came over I tried to get away from her but she would just come with me and pick up her conversation again. telling me that d was so easy to work with and so wonderful that usually the corp transferrs them around every 1.6 but she begged them to keep her on this assignment for the rest of her carreer or at least another 1.6 and therey were going to let her. I got away from her again to take my dog to the bathroom and she found me and the last thing she said to me was "I know how hard it is to be married for so long and after a while you just get fed up I know I am." I told her I wasn't and we loved each other and then I left the party.

well, 5 days later my husband came home saying he'd been bad and had been neglecting his work, I thought he was telling me he had an affair with this woman , we made love and fell a sleep. the next day at dinner I asked what we should do get a marriage counslor or what he wanted to never bring it up again. well that didn't happen! his birthday was the next week he stayed home but kept going places fro hours. I got mad. then he said we would go together to all his meetings. All the sudden all the meetings on his calender got canceled week by week! But we did go to jacksonville to his corp meeting when he came out of the meeting he had lipstick on his lips. I went ballistic.

Oh I must say this when he came home and told me he was bad the next monday he came back to me saying he never said such a thing! After the lip stick thing when he went back to work I got on our computor to his side of it and everything was deleted. I went to the computor logs and sure enough he had gotten on late at night but i couldn't find what he was doing. I raged he brought home all his vouchers for travel to prove he hadn't done anything.(thinking I would never go thru them) I found 4 hotels with 2 in a room. then I called all the hotels where the board meeting were and st never had a room except for the time in amelia island when I wanted to bring my grandson.... I told him I wanted his cell phone records he wouldn't give them to me so I got them myself. the only time her phone was on there were times I was out of town. but there were a lot of odd # I figured out they were making converance calls.

I emailed her husband with my evidence he wrote me back that his wife would not do a thing like that. so I dropped him.

In october 2009 at the board meeting she and d pretended they didn't see each other, and of course she has not tried to talk to me again.

this march my husband failed a polygragh test big time on have you had intercourse or oral sex with anyone and has anyone stayed in your hotel rooms with you. after the polygragh if he failed it which he did he swore he would tell me everything, he hasn't.

I made a gyn appt. because of him being bad and my rash I couldn't get in till dec. but dec. roled around and sure enough I have herpes 2 and so does he!

so is all this the 2 in a room, st with no roomat the hotels, herpes2( by the way she told me she has no kids i wouold say becus she has herpes),phone calls, emails with smiley faces, failed polygrogh test enough evidence of an affair.

the reason I ask at the last cocktail party at his board meeting I started telling some of the commisioners wifes they were having an afair(i told d i was going to start this)

Now I have or he has a letter from the corp saying they are going to do an investigation and that I am slandering her and he is harassing her...

what do yall think?

Welcome to MB, sorry you're here. You really should edit your post to remove real names and places - commonly we'd refer to your husband's adultery partner as 'OW' (for other woman).

I don't think it's slander if you're telling the truth, but then I'm not a lawyer.

What is it you want to do? Do you want to recover your marriage or do you want to get divorced? Do you have any children together?

Yes definitely delete the personal info. With one search I know who she is and who he is. It wouldn't be hard for other people (including her!) to find this thread if she ever does a search on herself.

Yep. Delete the names, for sure. I've already been over to her FB page. Which, btw, you should go to and print off the friends' list. You might need that in the near future.

You might also want to change your username.

We're not trying to scare you, we've just seen what happens when a BS is discovered before they can get the help they need.

It sounds as if someone has filed a sexual harassment complaint. Is that right? Are OW and WH still seeing each other? You're not slandering her if you're telling the truth. Sounds like someone is running scared.

why do I want her freinds? I deleted her names. how do I change my name?
he says they are not but I gave him his phone back and feb. 17and 18 there were unlisted numbers on there, so I took it back. he was going to the miami boat show so I went with him he said I couldn't get in but low and behold there was a tag for me! so I know she was down here and she was going to play me again! No it does not say sexual harassment it says harassing our employee and I am slandering her. I really , really think I am telling the truth. should I contact the lawyers. his side has started their own investigation. should I hand over the polygragh test results? my herpes results? my calendersand infomation I found?and to which side?

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Do what the others are telling you to do. You can also modify your user name without losing this thread. I did it. Go to edit profile. Well, unless it is your intent to expose here as well as elsewhere.

As you know, Herpes 2 is an STD and it is permanent. While its effects can be mitigated through medicine, it is with you forever. That is the price you will have to pay for your husband's adultery. As information, he may have taken a stupid pill, which means he will try to blame you for everything that is about to happen to him, you, his job and his future because of what he has done. None of it was your fault, period.

Unfortunately, you will have to live with his decisions, the choice he made for whatever reason or excuse he has in his mind for doing it. And you will live with it in one form or the other for the rest of your life.

You have my sympathy and I care.

Normally, I recommend Marriage Building and a new relationship for any couple afflicted with adultery, no matter if the husband or the wife has fallen from the grace of God by doing the unthinkable. I recommend recovery in almost every case.

I cannot bring myself to do so now. Sorry. . .

I think you should go find the biggest and baddest Divorce Lawyer you can find and file right now. He will tell you how to protect your finances and yourself. What your husband has done is over the top and beyond the pale. It doesn't matter why he has done it. It doesn't matter that you had a good marriage until the slut came in your life. You may or may not have had the marriage you thought you had. He may have done this before or he may not have.

It doesn't matter. You have herpes 2. The world is going to come down on his head because he was stupid enough to have sex with a direct report. In my opinion, you don't need stupid in your life any more, period. He is NOT the man you married. He is an alien who has damaged your life beyond reason.

I have never, in five years, ever, said, get a divorce, before. And you can see from the number of posts I have made, I talk to a lot of people.

I don't know what else to say, so I will shut up. My heart goes out to you lady. I wish you well.

Larry

First of all - hugs - i am sorry your here
second of all - i am a wayward spouse and have never said this before but i agree with Larry..reading your story I think you should have kicked him to the curb september 2009...of course thats what I say

but..men would tell my H to dump me and fast...
that I am not worth it consideirng what i did...I am lucky i didnt catch an STD...I am lucky my H didnt catch something from me.

and people have told me to leave my H (not on this board) for the physical assults...but I havent for my own reasons.

So - only you can determine if its worth saving
Only you know if there are good things in your H that we do not know about.
Only you can make the decision to go Plan A = Plan B or Plan D...

I think the you know what is about to hit the fan at his work...he is going to blame you...and he is going to be angry.

YOu can A) hold on and weather the storm until heis defogged and Plan A as much as possible

You can move back a safe distance and let him weather it alone and when he hits bottom and is ready to return and be a man then perhaps restore your marriage..

You can say screw this and Plan D...

But before you can decide you need to check out all the options and kick the tires on the ride you are about to get on. By this I mean , read this site page by page...get the books (surviving an affair, His Needs her needs, Love Busters) etc...educate yourself and then ...do it.

Breath - seriously...breath...imagine a box with four sides. Its smooth like polished stone and cool to the touch. Run your hands along the top, then the left side, the bottom and the right side coming to the top again. As you touch the box you breath in two three four and out two three four...
Relax - let go of all the tightness in your body. Your jaw, unclench it. Those cholders, drop them and let them slide down your ribs and back towards the floor.
Aim - make a plan
STOP - any negative thoughts - i tell my son to pretend to actually throw his bad thoughts in the garbage can
Shoot - do your plan...right now...first step is...read the basic concepts article...read the bible...take a bubble bath.

WHAT - what is your positive action right now. and that means you type it and then log of of marriage builders for a bit and DOOO it.

you know I have gone to 2 councelors both said leave him then they met him and told me he didn't do it. the last one was the day before the polygraph.

we have been together for almost 30 yaers. how can I just walk away, I will when I give up completely all I want is for st or ow to be gone out of his life. should I keep trying.

everyday he tells me he loves me and wants to keep the marriage. we have read love busters, her needs his needs. he wants to do the plan I say I can't till ow is out of his life, this addiction part has gotten to me and I do believe this affair is an addiction and she won't give up. she filed this complaint but then continues to email him 4-5-6 times a day all in the name of work.

He is an addict. Does it mean nothing that he has given you a permanent STD? He is on a path that will ruin his career and his life. He is a train wreck going to happen. He is jumped into a sewer and is swimming around in it and so are you because of his choices, not yours.

You ask, "How can I just walk away?" 30 years??

Simple answer. Because he is a train wreck on the way to happening and I guess if you want to join him out of loyalty, loyalty he does NOT show for you, then that is your business.

Ok, fine, you want to ride the train.

Here is how you do it.

Read here on this first page of the forum, The Carrot And Stick of Plan A. Read all of it.

Expose his affair. Only the light of day will send the cockroaches running and destroy the affair. Read all about exposure from Dr. Harley himself.

Click me

I commend your loyalty if not your sanity. No matter which way you go, you are in for some very rough times because of the choices your husband has made. He is headed toward the train wreck and taking you with him. Not a fun ride.

Another plan is to tell him that to protect your feelings for him, you are going to go away and when he hits bottom and is ready to change himself, you will be there. Riding the train with him will almost certainly kill your feelings for him dead as a cold hammer. Going away gives you the opportunity to protect your feelings for him and holding them in reserve for when he needs them.

He doesn't need your feelings for him now, because he is too busy hauling his stupid sign around. An addict only cares about their addiction. Damage is to you is no big deal to him. He isn't thinking about 30 years except to manipulate you.

More exposure help can be provided. Ask and it will be delivered if you need help with it.

Larry

yes please what more can I expose? going away the way you put sounds good.....but I want to expose more before I go..HELP

I just want to send you hugs, cause I know how it feels to need a hug, even a virtual one...

Draw up a list of who knows and who doesn't know. The purpose of exposing is to bust up the affair. So who else needs to know?

Figure out where you can go. Make sure you have access to money and help. Do you? I mean for the long haul. Plan the move secretly. When he is out of town, do it.

Work up a Plan B letter secretly. Leave it for him.

The letter should be short, sweet and to the point. Tell him that you love him but he has turned into an alien you don't know anymore. That he is infatuated with xxxx and you are moving away to protect your feelings for him from being destroyed while he is having an adulterous affair with her.

Click on the right hand menu link and read "Surviving Infidelity." Read all of it. Then we can help you with both a Plan B letter and exposure.

Read, read, read.

Larry

First, I'm sorry you are in this situation. As far as almost 30 years....I just divorced my Wxh after 26 years---and the way it is done is that one day a switch will flip in your brain and you will know that you will NEVER take him back. That is what happened to me eventually. It will to you too if your WH doesn't STOP what he is doing.


Do not listen to his words. He is a liar. Go by his actions.

there is a full investigation at work and at the corp now. should i contact the detectives and give them my stuff that I found out. the are looking in my h computer and saying they can only go back 2 weeks and I have them from october. of course my h says they will be contacting me and just save for then but I don't want to miss out....

Is your husband resigned to his fate? What is his attitude about the investigation? Is he still seeing the skanky ho who gave him herpes?

How are you feeling? Plans?

Larry

What makes your H think the investigators will contact you?

becuz I am named as slandering her.

my h thinks they will find nothing and give him his dignity back. the owff is still the project manager and the day after the letter on sat. she was emailing him about business even tho it said for them to have no contact and today she called him to set up a conference call for business. he has emailed her to just do business 1 day a week but she still is emailing 3,4,5,6,7 times a day. of course all business now at least on the business computer and I have his work phone at the house.

I really feel sick my grandson just went home after 6 weeks here and plans? I pulled all our tax stuff and house stuff and I am copying that.

SHOULD I CONTACT THE LAWYERS? THE CHAIRMAN? THE DETECTIVES?

You ready to bust your husband's bubble? It is that exposure is the best way to kill an affair. It will cost your husband his job. So what, what he has done will cost him his marriage if he doesn't wake up and smell the roses. Might anyway.

The skank gave him herpes 2, which he passed on to you. From what I understand about affairs, here it is:

1. Expose him and possibly recover your marriage or he divorces.
2. Don't expose him and possibly recover your marriage or he divorces.
3. Don't expose him and not recover your marriage and he divorces.
4. You divorce him.

The introduction of consequences is a good thing. Which of the above gives him the best dose of consequences. See, he has choices as well. It could be that she collects a bunch of money and husband gets a divorce and goes with her. Where does that leave you. Anything is possible in the sewer of infidelity.

There is no reset button or magic wand. Your situation is what it is. I feel your pain.

At this stage of the game, I would not trust a word that comes out of his mouth. He is running scared. And he is also in the fog of an affair or just coming out. Not...to...be...trusted.

Larry

I am confused. The corp has launched an investigation against you - or you and your H? Why is the corp allowing them to continue to work together?

I would get a lawyer. Something doesn't sound right.