Tis OK.


Not afraid of that anymore

Okay, so where do you go from here? What is your PLAN? Where can we help you?

Not sure.

The SIM Card reader will be here shortly.

I am thinking if he is doing some dirt, he'll place a lock on the phone and then he'll get comfortable and careless about his exchanges. In the meantime I continue Plan A

The SIM Card reader will pick up all texts lock or no lock. If nothing is found, I start the computer monitoring. If something is found. Then it's FULL exposure and Plan B?


Thoughts?












BTW - Am I the only person who got caught snooping? Surely we @ MB have a back up plan for this!

I don't understand what any of this means. How does any of this change the truth of my observations? If anything it supports my point because if he knew you had looked then he had time to concoct this ridiculous story and be "unsurprised." The truth is that your H is likely having an affair and has given you a very implausible explanation of what those messages. But, we have told you that before and you dismissed what we said so I don't expect you to listen now.

The only problem is that now you have tipped him off so he can just go further underground.


One does not have to be familiar with Marriage Builders to have simple, common logic. That is logic 101, not Marriage Builders 101. A married couple should never have secrets from another. No one has the right to secrecy in a marriage. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

Well.. er I am glad to be entertaining...but I am not trying to be.

I am not sure where I am being "defensive" of the wrong things he is doing. To be frank: I feel he is BSing about the reasons for being willing to text "pretty lady" after telling me that he is not the type of person to flatter in that way. I have revealed that he was abusive and agreed that he uses anger to control me.

I have been caught snooping MANY MANY times. Most were before MB. I even got caught with the keylogger. It wasn't that pretty on my part. I overreacted to VAR evidence too and TRIED to lock WH out of the room. I grew and learned. Even those reactions were tame compared to the SD, DJ and AO's I could pull out before MB. GROWING IS A GREAT GIG.

huh? How can you get "caught" doing something that is NOT WRONG? The only people who would object to being snooped on are people who have something to HIDE. Spouses who have nothing to hide, do not hide.

There is nothing wrong with snooping, Chris. Are the police being BAD when they spy on drug dealers? Of course not. They have an obligation to protect society.

It is the same wtih marriage. A spouse has an OBLIGATION to snoop and make sure nothing is being behind his back since everything a spouse does effects his spouse. You have right to know everything your spouse does. You share a life, so if something is being withheld from you, AS IT WAS, you have an obligation to find out what it is. That is a VIRTUE, not a matter of shame.

Your husband's reaction is very typical of a wayward who has something to hide. This is from Dr Harley in "Coping with Infidelity: Part 2":


"Almost everyone denies an affair at first, even when confronted with overpowering evidence. When a woman I counseled broke in on her husband having sex with a neighbor, he tried to convince her that she was having an hallucination.

While seeing your spouse in bed with a lover is sure-fire evidence of an affair, that kind of evidence is usually close to impossible to find. But there are many other less intrusive ways to detect ongoing affairs.

For an unfaithful spouse to engage in an affair without detection, two separate lives must be created, one for the lover and one for the spouse. A certain amount of dishonesty is required in both of them, but the major deception is with the spouse.

So one of the most common clues of an affair is an unwillingness to let a spouse investigate all aspects of life. If two lives are necessary for an affair, and if a spouse is curious enough, the secret second life is relatively easy to discover. Difficulty in getting a spouse to talk about events of the day can be a sign of trying to hide the second life.

One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions.

I am a firm believer in letting each spouse do as much snooping around as they want. Nothing should be kept secret in marriage, and no questions should be left unanswered. If a spouse objects to such scrutiny, what might he or she be hiding?"
continued here

I am not saying you are entertaining. I am just interested in people and I think I can learn a lot from watching you. Sorry if I offended you. Not meant in that way at all.

As far as the defending part, I reserve the right to respond at a future date.

Melody,

I appreciate what you are saying to me and I understand that you are very knowledgeable & have seen these types of situations a million times. In light of the gross error I have made, where do I go from here?

I would like to say - at least I KNOW that I tipped him off. If I hadn't verbally confirmed it I may have stopped @ the SIM Card Reader because I assumed he was unaware of me snooping on the cell phone. With my thinking (which was at odds with what you recommended, I would have been satisfied if nothing further came up on the cell phone.

At this point he thinks I have no interest in snooping because just now he finally admitted the text exchange was inappropriate. He offered to show me "everything" and I told him I have no interest in looking through his things at this point. I can play the trusting idiot if that's what it takes...

So, please tell me - what's next Mel?

OK - I get it...snooping is not wrong.

I apologize for using the word "caught". Perhaps a better word would be "discovered"....

But you're divorced right?

I mean - that isn't a case for it being ok to get caught snooping by a spouse who is not educated on MB or who is aware of the difference between "private" and "secret."

Now you got it! I agree its a good idea to go along with him for now and just look a little harder. Good plan!

YES it did....and at the VERY LEAST, you need to tell the good folks helping you out on this thread. Many people don't go to all the different forums on here.....

You CANNOT expect your H to be honest with YOU when you aren't doing the same thing.....

Also, your actions show you are as MUCH of a threat to this marriage as he is......

You were LUCKY it didn't go anywhere....this time....

FESS UP, Chris....self-exposure is the BEST exposure....

not2fun

Chris, snooping is not a cause for divorce because only those who have something to hide get upset about snooping. An honest spouse doesn't care. Like I said earlier, it has nothing to do with being "educated in MB," but everything to do with honesty. It is just simple logic.

And no, she is not divorced. She is in PLAN B.

If a spouse divorces over snooping, that means they were a WAYWARD and simply didn't want to get caught doing harm behind their spouse's back. A sincere, recovering spouse does not care. Which means the divorce happened bacause they didn't want to get caught in the act of wrongdoing, not because of snooping.

Its real simple, people who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

Not2,

I confessed - I let the folks on the MB101 side know. They set me straigt immediately. But as I live and breathe I am not saying a dmaned thing to my H about it. It was a stupid meaningless lashing out type of thing.

Melody,

So in addition to playing the trusting idiot do I call "pretty lady" and have a talk with her as he invited me to do? Do I contact Ms Arizona directly?

Who do you think he's likely having the affair with - Ms Arizona or "pretty lady"?

Please tell me what else you're thinking.

I think you should say nothing and do nothing but snoop like a blood hound. Find out FOR SURE what is going on and then make a decision about your next step.

Mel,

He stated that he would "never" snoop me. I retorted that I wouldn't object if he did. He talked about resepct and trust....just like this description:

We call that gaslighting, my friend.

Wow. I can't believe no one else commented on this. Talk about a control freak....HE get busted texting junk to OW and YOU have to leave the room because HE is mad. Wow.