i really need to remember to proofread. Sorry!

also, i know i did not find this very excellent practical helpful site because i googled "marriage". i found it because i googled "infidelity" which happened to me. i consider myself to be betrayed and cheated on. that was my first thing that brought me here. i hurt so bad and i had no where else to turn. unintentionally, i got into a big battle of married vs. not -married. honestly if i would have known it was going to cause such waves, i never even would have mentioned the fact that we never actually got married. this was not really the discussion i came to have.

i value your marriages. i really do. my parents have been married all my life and i am firstborn. they were married before i was conceived. i do not mean to be disrespectful or scornful of your way of doing it. i just thought i could skip that all and just deal directly with all of the people i loved. i think most people in our families consider us a married couple. th ey have always treated us that way and have never expessed anything to make me think it was a problem for them. my parents had a justice of the peace wedding. just them and a witness and a pastor.

maybe that explains why i thought marriages weren't all that. i just thought they were a big 10000 dollar party.

i think i was wrong, don't get me wrong. i think there is more to marriage vows now. maybe all you married people could try to put it in words that touch us- with no disrespectful judgements or selfish demands. i will try to do the same.

My BH - who I cheated on after 13 years of marriage - was devistated by my actions. I broke a vow to him and he has problems moving beyound the broken vow as do many people. I believe in my heart of hearts that vows and marriage are critical and important. A marriage is important because it is like a birth. After you get married (big party or small ceremony) you begin a life together. A Marriage Bonds two people together in the sight of God. What God has put together let no one tear apart. The life moves on and one and over time you stop thinking about the wedding day. You dont look at the pictures. YOu create new memories. Children born. Trips taken. A life of town people joined as one by vows they have made together in the sight of god.

Like a Birth - a child does not remember it but it is important that it occurs. Like a birth - you can not be man and wife - adam and eve, two bodies and one spirit...with out the wedding and vows.

It is a commitment and a step you take together, in front of your family and in the sight of god...the joins you. It is a layer of protection for your relationship.

I often tell women newly are engaged all of the above. I suggest they skip the big party and put the money into a home. Its important that it occurs but do not stress on the food, flowers and band = because that is not the important part. You, your papacita and a pastor under the stairs in a forest glade is all you need...but it needs to be done to be joined as man and wife.

Now that I have established how very important marriage is let me also tell you.

My BH - the father of my children... slept with a coworker while we were engaged. Multiple times. He told me about and dismissed it as not counting because "we werent married yet and we hadnt taken vows". He had asked me to marry him. We were living together (Much to the horror of my family)...we were in love. To me - i believed I was cheated on. And it hurt deeply. and I resented the fact that he didnt think it was cheating for years. The underlying resentment is part of why I behaved so badly in the end...amoung many other problems.

I do not wish to take away from your pain my sister. I have felt it.

But I do not wish to lessen the pain of a betrayed spouse. A person who has stood before family and friends and said

"I do swear, forsaking all others, in sickness and health, till death do us part"...

And then = after I swore,,forsaking all others...I broke that promise - a promise to my husband, a promise to my family and a promise to my GOD - I broke my word, my vow. ..that is why they believe there is a difference between cheating in a marriage and cheating in a long term relationship between two people.

I had the same arguement you did for a time - but I understand now..i undersand my hsubands pain.

And yet, it was vitally important that the discussion was had, because it demonstrated a basic flaw in your approach to your relationship that, neglected, would have made and advice invalid.


Your family is not actively trying to help your relationship recover from infidelity. This forum is.

There is so much more to marriage vows than just words. Thats why people haven't said go get married tomorrow. Marriage will take a fundamental change to the way you approach your relationship with Papasia. But it is worth it and it is something attainable.

I speak as someone who made that shift within myself: to go from someone willing to just live with a partner, to someone making a marriage work happily. I had to change my whole mindset in my relationship. I changed. I went from someone looking to be sure my needs were met to someone asking myself 'how can I bring my husband happiness'. I always had a mental foot propping open the back door, ready to be independent if things weren't working out. I had to shut that door - it's the only way marriage works. I have to be in it with both feet.

Vowing before those we love and are important to us to become one with my husband has made us responsible to each other - to ensure each other's happiness. When you vow to love someone for your life, you're not vowing to feel love feelings, you're vowing to commit acts of love to that person for the rest of your life. You are dedicating yourself to another's happiness and they are doing the same to you. It brings two people to a level of intimacy they cannot achieve if they're always halfway out the door.

Marriage is not a pretty ceremony with a fancy party. Marriage is a mindset. It's more than just words. Perhaps that is why so many marriages fail. The two parties treat it as just words rather than a commitment to a certain mindset.

I think I'm just rambling now. I saw that Papasita has bought several MB materials. Go through them, and fill out the questionnaires. I know it's expensive but bend heaven and earth to try to get to a Marriage Builder weekend. The tools you will get there will be invaluable both to your recovery from infidelity and to the strengthening of your relationship for marriage.

If you can't get to a weekend, consider coaching or at least the at home course. I'm really pullin' for you mamasita. I've been cheated on before in past relationships. It hurts so incredibly much, but you can recover.

thank-you both. you are beautiful!