Sis,

You're always changing your name. Maybe Imelda would be a good fit...

Mark

Star*fish wrote it.
It's on my notables.
HERE

Post changed and updated. Thanks Pep.

Larry

And of course, before I toddle off to bed, I want to recognize another important post:

This one is by TB, who posts under BTinBL (don't ask me what it means).


TB has been here for a while. He knows a lot. He knows a lot because he studies. He knows a lot because he asks for help and actually reads the replies. TB has learned and changed himself because he believes in what he has learned.

I know he has talked to Steve Harley at least once.

In other words, he came here to do more than vent. And it shows. If his marriage is restored, great, he can handle a relationship with far more in the way of TOOLS than he ever thought possible. If his marriage does NOT get restored, TB can still look at himself in the mirror and understand that he did everything possible. He did the right thing at the right time. So he can then go forth and find a new life, armed with good tools for the next relationship he chooses to build, and he will know what he is doing instead of winging it.

This site is so full of tools. This forum is full of help and wisdom and heck, boggles the mind. Tb is one of those who took it serious, learned, changed and now marches forth with purpose.

Dear reader, who did you help today. Even with just a hug.

Larry

Oh this is me! My marriage ended in divorce so I feel unqualified to help 'save' any marriages.

Okay, this is a marriage building site. This particular forum is about surviving an affair. Where does it say "Surviving an Affair and restoring marriage?" Doesn't say that. Dr. Harley also has a forum called "Divorce." I just recommended for the first time that a lady divorce her husband. I wanted to tell her to do bad things to him but held my tongue.

I too am divorced. It took over four years after the affair for that to happen. I understand the struggle. I understand the pain, the problems and the possibilities. So I am here to help those who would HELP THEMSELVES. Restoration happens, HURRAH! Divorce happens, hurrah! Not the desired result, but one that is often for the best.

This site is not just Marriage Building, it is also relationship building. And if the marriage didn't work out because some WW or WH did their thing and it couldn't, that is ok, because this site is FULL OF TOOLS that will make a person's NEXT relationship a better one, one that has the possibility of lasting a lifetime because, they learned, they changed, they became schooled in the art of marriage.

Post away. Even if only by offering a hug, please.

Larry

I totally agree. I am always amazed when FWWs and FWHs post....I can see the human behind the wrong. It does help.

I am slowly morphing this thread into something in addition to.

See, it takes heavy thinking and reason to make Pep's notable post. Therefor, I will be unlikely to find myself there. And I commend her for starting and maintaining it cause lots of good stuff that helps people are readily referenced in one good place.

My intent is to encourage people to share their experiences and post their sympathy. The more who participate, the better this forum and the help it provides will be so long as 98% of it is focused on helping, with not too much chatting away about nothing like it got to be at one time.

So I am gonna post stuff I see that I think is neat, even if it is just a short glad you are here thing. A little recognition never hurts.

This is in addition to whatever else happens here. This is an open thread that will likely get out of control (again) from time to time and that is ok. It does serve the more serious issue of maintaining the helper force, without which this forum would not survive.

Larry

And the best post so far on this special day (you figure it out) is LousyGolfer from the BTinBL thread. . .
_________________________________
TB:

Actually, after mediation, you went DARK.

You haven't responded to the 800 text messages or 400 Voice Mails, or the incessant knocking at the door.

Your the master.

And EVERYONE believed....

I love it.

Enjoy your Plan B.

LG
________________

Original post, not the edited version.

Larry

First, Larry, I just thank you for creating this thread. I can already see quite a few folks -- who are clearly knowledgeable, have been here a bit, and have a pretty thorough buy-in to MB principles -- branch out a bit more and extend a helping hand, a kind gesture, or maybe just a sincere apology for reading about someone's plight. OUTSIDE of their typical posting behavior. That, my friend, was a gift from you to everyone on this board. Sure, a gift to some of the vets who maybe don't have to carry as much of the water, so to speak, but more importantly, a gift to those folks who truly need support, guidance and a means in which to steady themselves.

Second, I want to thank you for the kind words. It's nice of you to shed some positive light on my efforts, my journey, and perhaps most importantly, my evolution. So many have helped me publicly, and several others have provided valuable assistance and insight offline. For anyone new here (or long time lurkers), you CAN lean on folks here. COLLECTIVELY, you will get what you need. Kind of reminds me of 'Field of Dreams' -- one of TB's personal favorites:

"People will come, Ray. People will most definitely come."

That, my friends, is true here.

Third, I remember when I first came here, I was a little caught up in who was responding. Was it a vet? Were they being supportive or critical of me? Will they tell me what to do? How is my thread doing compared to others? Eventually, I just read. I listened. I acted. To anyone with preconceived notions about who can or cannot help you, or for folks that may attach labels to anonymous monikers that emanate from the likes of California to Budapest, and anywhere in between, please listen to me. You will be amazed where you can learn. I have learned from the young and the old, from the vet to the newbie. As I mentioned, I look under A LOT of rocks. And I will continue to do so. To the person (and I apologize for not recalling who it was specifically) who said that since they are divorced, they cannot offer help in saving a marriage. I say, "Pshaw". I betcha a diet coke you can help in many more ways than you realize. And if someone doesn't want to listen because you have a label that THEY feel eliminates you from consideration, well then I say that's THEIR LOSS.

Without making this seem like the longest acceptance speech at the Academy Awards, I just want say that I don't know where my path will lead me but I am at peace with the lack of clarity. If you would have asked me a year or two ago, whether I thought I'd ever be where I am today, I'd say, "Um, I don't think so." Yet here I am today, acknowledging the road I've traveled, my zeal for learning, and my enthusiasm for the future -- regardless of how it may look. For you newer folks, let me just use a line from Bill Clinton (sorry OH...): "I feel your pain." Trust me, I do. And part of the reason that I can say that is because I have felt my own. Just believe me when I tell you that you're going to get through it. You just need to keep asking questions, keep reading, keep posting. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with others. You do THAT, and maybe one day you'll be making a similar kind of proclamation.

And one more thing. Keep looking under those rocks.

As always, thanks,
TB

Random Thoughts -

1)Fogged out spouses are looking at bright shinny gold at bottom of river. The only way to tell if its real gold or fools gold is to apply pressure to it. Fools gold is brittle and will always break apart under tough times. Real Gold will bend if pressure is applied, but doesnt break...Their BS is the real gold in their life...the OS fools gold - busting apart.

2) People seem to think the world "relationship" means you are having good feelings for each other, married, dating what ever.. My Bh says we dont have a relationship anymore. A relationship is how you relate to a person. You can relate poorly, distantly, or it can be good etc. Even if my BH divorces me - we have a relationship, a distant one that only relates through our shared children. Relationship is a miss used word like diet...a diet is WHAT YOU EAT and How often...a diet is not eating healthy to lose weight. You can have a good diet a bad diet and everything in between. A WS must end the relationship with a OS by stopping all relating...thus the no contanct...even if you are relating poorly its still a relationship...Ridic (strongest women ever lived) BH is still relating to his OW through the restraining order and attempts at contact. I dont know where i am going with this. I just get annoyed when people say they do not have a relationship withsomeone. If your talking to a guy at work and flirting...you are IN a relationship.


3) I Just - i once wrote a blog about Just. If your using the word JUST in a sentence is because you are JUSTIFING what you are doing. If you have to Justify something...then you are doing something wrong...A person behaving the way they should will never have to say "I was just...talking with her....having a few drinks...having some fun" etc.

is it nap time yet?

I have seen more Plan Ds recommended to newcomers this week then ever before...from Vets...

Is it just me or is their a shift on the board about what is savable and what is not?

Is it all the recent high profile affairs?

Is it the taxes we all have to pay making us cranky?

Poster of the day: AnnaBelleRose


Attagirl AnnaBelle!!!!!

Larry

Good point.

I saw two (2) yesterday. Sad. I never used to post to those and ignored them. Just speaking for myself, I took a look at this forum and came to the conclusion that Surviving an Affair meant Surviving and sometimes that meant Plan D.

I so posted. Maybe that had an influence. I do know that Mel thinks that sometimes Plan D is the only way to go but she tends not to go on those posters threads.

I wouldn't even draw up a list of "Vets," that would include my name, for sure. If I did, I would start with Pep, Mel, JustLearning, Schoolbus, and then bog down knowing full well there is a dozen more. And those guys all tend to stay away from people who ought to divorce.

There is a shift on the board from spoon feeding and to a focus toward earn your own way with encouragement. Works better that way. I am so into that.

As for the rest, I dunno. I do see a shift in the culture to maybe less tolerance. Hey, feeding ourselves is becoming an issue, no time for crap.

Larry

Aww thanks! I was just lurking in this thread and saw this!

SR

Fool's gold, real gold. I wrote something on Recover about that years and forgot it. Thank you for reminding me. I will stick that arrow in my quiver and have it handy.

Relationship: Wow, never thought about it that way. Thanks

Just: that one is good as well. Learned two things in one post. Good shot SR.

Here is one for you: Should, ought, must. ?????

Larry

Good stuff TB


See, some of the most beat up people are exactly the ones who can share the most hope and the best help.

They had to find tools to survive.

Larry

SR- I too LOVED what you wrote. I also say the thing that "but" erases everything before it. I got to use that today IRL.

My Dad used to say we weren't allowed to use these words when answering questions for him, "so, if, but" I don't know why. I think I should ask him that. Hmmmmmmm the wheels are spinning.

Larry- I also wanted to say that I noticed there was a shift on the forum after you created this thread(which I am SURE was the point). I am on here quite a bit. I don't venture into MB101 yet. I have read stuff on Recovery. I feel like I can help here the most and I am still learning. It was nice to see all of the people posting. Thanx

Scotland, love that name. My ancestors are from around Leeds, which means they could be Scottish or English, or more likely, a huge mixture of both.


You think?

Confession: A vet sent me an email about being afraid to leave. That scared me. I could see myself trying to haul her load and there was no way I could do it. At least with the tools I have right now. And I have only seen a few posts from her in the past few days. That scares me even more.

I hope. I try.

Larry

my ancestors are maclarens on my mothers side.

I joke I am a strong scottish lass built for harsh winters on the highlands...the brown hair, hazel brown green eyes, full figure and slightly upturned english nose all help that image...of course the cheekbones are all american indian...

my father is german and my mother is scottish and american indian