My wife and I have been married for about a year and a half now and have been together for about 4 years. We were very happy together while dating but once we married she has changed. About 3 months ago I found out she has had multiple affairs (more than a few EO's and 3 PA's, including one with my exfriend) I was devistated with this but after all was said and done I realized some of my own selfishness (working long hours and AO's)may have caused her to do the unthinkable and I forgave her. Since then I have tried and tried and tried to restore the love in our marriage, I have tried to be the most kind, patient, loving husband possible and she has pretty much imasculated me and I feel like the feminine one in the relationship now. She is cruel to me and refuses to commit to anything, she also works 2 part time jobs but refuses to pay any bills and says I'm being selfish for asking her for money, She doesn't cook or clean, she is not affectionate or intimate with me at all. She has pretty much fallen completely out of love with me and I don't know whether to throw in the towel or not. Today almost threw me over board, I was paying the phone bill and i noticed she had sent over 3000 text messages this month! So i looked at the number that she had been texting so much and didn't recognize it so i called it and it was a guy. I said wrong number and hung up, a couple hours later my wife calls me from work yelling at me for calling "james" and assures me they are just friends. I didn't believe this so I texted the guy and his exact words were "dude your getting a divorce why does it matter" so I replied "uhh? this is news to me" apparently she had told him we were getting a divorce and i dont know what has gone on between them. but this guy lives like 3 hours away, i dont know what to do or think. I love my wife more than anything in the world and I miss the woman i fell in love with, but after everything she has put me through and yet doesn't seem to care at all, it seems as if its time to just move on and get a divorce.
Any input or advice?

Welcome to MB.

This thread belongs in the forum Surviving an Affair. Please click the "notify" button and ask a moderator to move it there.

As SugarCane says, this should be moved . . .

In the meantime, I assume there are no kids? If not, the best option may be to put some space between you and this woman. Doesn't seem like you have a very good start to a strong marriage. Not that it really matters, but were all the affairs after you were married?

To answer the subject question - she has NO conscience

Brandon

[quote]she has pretty much imasculated me[/u]

Hoist 'em up pal, your are correct, she has emasculated you.

She has No conscious. She has no feeling for you. You are a meal ticket. She has contempt for you. Divorce her. Kick her to the curb. Kick her out of the apartment or house or you leave.

All marriages are NOT meant to be recovered. Do you love her because she emotionally abuses you? What does that make you?

But wait. Do you have children? If you do, there is a painful and time consuming route you can go for recovery that might work or it might not. Say the word and help and direction will be provided here.

Otherwise, under the bus she goes.

Larry

There are no kids involved. It seems like everyone agrees with kicking her to the curb, its just hard to imagine life without her. She hasn't always been like this. After we got married everything was still great for about 6 months other than we weren't having sex very often. She has always had some issues because I talked to my ex girlfriend the first year we dated but that was almost 5 years ago and I have never cheated on her in any way. ever. But to this day she plays the blame game saying she would have never lost love for me if i wasnt "sketchy" the whole time we dated. Which just seems like an excuse to me. But she has her days where she is affectionate and other days she tells me she "loves me to death but doesn't think we'll last" and other days she'll say she wants a divorce, even when i have been consistantly kind to her. I don't know if she has other issues or if shes crazy or if we really just don't work. I know i could forgive her with the ultimate goal of us being happily in love again, I just dk if that will ever happen. Still think kick her to the curb? or is there something that could work?

You did not cause her to do ANYTHING. She made the choice to go outside your marriage. You contributed to the erosion of your marriage but her Adultery is her responsibility 100000% (hmm I might need more zeros there).

You've only been married a short time. If there are no kids you really should walk away. Your 'wife' really isn't one, she doesn't know how to be married, and you can't educate your spouse on this it's a LB.

Please, get yourself tested for STDs and walk away from this situation. Use it as a learning experience for future relationships: don't neglect them like you did this one. Use the MB tools for your own personal recovery.

Hey, Brandon.

Your story strikes a very unfortunate chord with me. You might want to check out some articles like this to see if you can relate.

There are people with no conscience, no remorse. They are mentally/emotionally damaged, and while there may be help for them, even professional therapists shudder at the thought of treating them.

I spent seven years with such a woman, and I'm now in the final countdown (26 days) to divorce. I have gone from one end of the spectrum (wanting to save my marriage) to the other (I want nothing more than to never seeing/hearing from her again).

The only advice I will give you (other than read & research) is to do what you believe in the end will give you comfort that you did the right thing!

Brandom


Brandom, brandom, six months! You must be joking. No, I know you are not. She has been manipulating you for years and years. Look up gas lighting on the web.

Do you LIKE swimming around in the sewer with her? She is using you. She is using you up bad. She is ruining you for a real relationship. You can't fix stupid. Which one of you is carrying the sign? You are only the second person I have ever recommended to get a divorce. The other one was to a lady whose husband GAVE HER HERPES 2 because he couldn't keep it in his pants.

Is that what it is going to take with you so you will man up and kick the entitled little witch to the curb? She can't keep her pants on son, and that isn't gonna change until she has her own train wreck. You wanna keep riding that train with her, that is your business. And she sure as heck not gonna let you drive the train, too much fun to stop. Oops. . .

Get tested for STDs. Get on with your life. Uh, excuse me, find a life cause you ain't got much of one now.

Up to you.

Larry

The truth is this place has the tools and the plan you can use to restore your marriage. However, even with a REPENTANT spouse the process will take 2-5 years. Heck at the minimum that's longer than you've been married. On the outside it's longer than your whole relationship! The process can give you Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, she may have given you an STD, what if she's pregnant with one of the other men's child? Some can raise an Other Child. Could you?

The process is long, and arduous for both of you and that is WITH your wife on board! She isn't even repentant now. Having read around here for a year I have seen dozens if not hundreds of stories of adultery. The ones with a snowball's chance often have children. Children provide a powerful motivation to a Wayward Spouse to work things out, because often (at least intellectually) they don't want to destroy their children's lives. (This isn't always the case and there are examples of people who have recovered sans kids, but they seem fewer and far between)

What would be your wife's motivation to recover? Her 'love' for you? She doesn't know how to love or commit. She couldn't commit to marriage for more than 6 months and recovery is HARDER than marriage.

That is why people are recommending you cut your losses. If you want to try anyways I commend your commitment. We can give you the tools to do that. But you really need to think about what you're doing and the cost involved. Is it worth it?

Curb her, she has cuckolded you. Separate any accounts, cut off any CCs she has. Kick her out yesterday.

BGT:

Yes, she has no consience.

You can work to reform her. And that is a valliant fight. And you may succeed. You need to determine HOW much fight you have. BUt you have to look at yourself first.

Please review some threads started by BHHFSGuy. He might have some thoughts and experiences that resonate with you.

Heres a link: BHFFSGuy Threads

People here are advising your to cut and run. But you made some promises at the alter, and you don't want to break them.

THis is Marriage Builders, and not Marriage Enders. I may believe that there is no hope for your marriage. But I am not driving YOUR bus. And you have to drive this BUS called your life.

Read and learn. Read and learn some more. Than you can make some informed decisions, and you can start instituting a PLAN to recover your marraige.

Sorry you have to be here. Its the best place that you can be right now.

LG

Hey Brandon,

I read your post and feel for you. I know how hard it is to just throw in the towel and leave someone you love. I have a few questions for you to ponder, and be honest with yourself.

Marriage is a partnership, why would you want to be with a woman who refuses to participate in your marriage? (not paying bills, etc)

She is texting other men and actively cheating on you, why do you feel you deserve this treatment? to me its emotional abuse.

Are you holding onto a fantasy in your head of what could be? is that what is keeping you holding on, or are you afraid to be alone?

Ultimately you will make the decision to stay or go, but do it for the right reasons. There is a woman out there who will respect you and not treat you like this.

Good luck brother

Hi Brandon...I was in the US Navy from '92-'96...I was single then, but had GF's that were awful and would cheat on you in a heart beat...I saw many marriages end to many of my good friends, who were good faithful spouses to their wives, but just made wrong choices...I really hate this for you Brandon.

you've been together 4 years, married 1.5 years and no kids...like others have said, IF you want to save this marrige, its gonna be a tough hard road to journey on...surround yourself with good encouraging people, b/c there'll be times when you'll have to swallow your pride and fight and you'll need a good support group to help you through these times of weakness.

also Brandon you mention something in your second post...your wife being affectionate one day, blaming you the next...loves you one day, wants to divorce you the next...classic signs of Bipolar...my wife's mom is Bipolar and before she was on meds, it was the same way...she was divorced and remarried six (6) times!!!...now she's on meds and is in a steady relationship for 5 years (a record)....just something to think about...

If she is engaged in an affair, you have every right to divorce her, and if you really don't want to put the time and heart into this...you have no kids...just pull the plug and move on...wash your hands of this and look for someone else...she's out there and you'll come out of this a better person.

Good luck to you!

thank you everynody for your help and support. I think everyone is dead on and its a hard thing to face but I think I will be filing for seperation

(((BrandonGT)) I'm so sorry things have worked out this way for you. It's rough but you can and will survive. There are good things out there for you. If you take the principles here and apply them in your life, your future relationships will be the better for it.

Brandon -

You say you cant imagine a life without her...but your not having a good life yet.

now I have a different perspective. I am a FWW - I put my H through the ringer. I dont know your wife. She could be a good women with issues that needs guidance and maybe meds. She could be a controller manipulater who doesnt warrant your effort. Only you can give that perspective.

I know most men would have told my H to kick me to the curb nine months ago when I confessed. I still dont know if he will ever forgive me. I know living with a women you can barely stand is very hard...and loving a man who doesnt love you because of what you did is hard as well.

you say you love this women...why? What in her makes it worth the effort and hard work of saving the marriage. I am not being sarcastic - Remember I am a wayward wife. You have presented to us all the reasons you should go. And perhaps thats what you want was support in your decision. So if there is nothing to keep you there...you know what you must do.

But this is a marriage builder site = so I ask...why did you marry her, why did you fall in love with her. What about here then drew you to her.

People fail, they get messed up and get lost in the lies and fears and disbeliefs. They get trapped in selfishness and stupidtiy.

The good that is in ME when my H married me is still in me today...but for a time I lost touch with me. A person can do truelly horrible things for so many reasons. To say - she cheated, she lied and exposed you to STDs - kick her to the curb...without more info is to say - I cheated, I lied to my H and I could have exposed my H to STDS...and I am not worthy of forgiveness or a second chance.

If she is truelly a user, selfish manipulator that will never show a shred of remorse for her actions - then you should protect yourself and fast.

But I dont know her...you do...what is she. What does the sum of her behavior the last few years say about her.

Can you give me five REAL reasons to save this marriage...I.e. Give me five examples of things that are good about her. Not (i love her, i need her).

My top five reasons I love my husband
1) he is a good father, firm and funny playful but strict
2) He will stop and help a person who needs help on the side of the road...when nobody else will help, he will
3) we will work harder and longer than anyone else I know. He never stops until the job is done and never shirks hard work
4) He takes care of his family even though he cant stand them - he is loyal
5) he has amazing shoulders, arms and i love his blue eyes (not sure if that counts but I cant help it)...

something like that...stuff you could brag about to a friend...

What Sister said.

Why did you fall in love with her?
What reasons are there to save your marriage.

Think about these questions.

Sister,

I don't think you already had 3 PAs before your affair. This woman is flawed and is a serial cheater. Sure, he can spend the time trying to "fix" her, but I would advise him it's not worth the effort. I don't think you compare to his wife in any way.

if you add three years of online flirting and chatting in yahoo chatrooms with men - looking to get my emotional need of admiration met...one failed attempt to meet a guy from chat room at a bar after work before I actually jumped off the bridge and cheated.. who is to say ...my H is pretty sure what I did was bottom line the worst anyoen could do ever...

Its not about if I am worse than her or better..to some an EA is enough for divorce...to a person who experienced mutlipe PAs from their wayward spouse ...they would say "I wish my spouse just had an EA"

Its perspective...I offer a FWW persepective int he hopes that other WW can be seen and redemable. But I acknowledge not all are...

but we dont know the WW here. It for him to decide

Is there enough good in her to warrant the hard work it takes to save a marriage. Not all are redeemable...

Or is she mearly a comfort blanket - scared of being without her he does not realize that the future is much brighter without her.

Only Brandon has the answer for him

Brandon,

I am very pro-marriage and I have been on this site for over a decade as you can tell. I think you really need to step back and evaluate the situation.

First, thing to evaluate is whether the W you married is the real woman. I mean you see her one way, but until recently you did not know about the multiple EA's and the 3 PA's did you? That should suggest to you that the woman you think you married is NOT the woman you are married to.

Further, this newest EA/PA? suggests that she is still on the prowl. Her behavior suggests no remores and frankly little concern for you.

Given that this is a 1.5 year marriage and there are no children, I strongly urge you to file for divorce. IF, and I say IF she actually wants to save the marriage, then let her convince you that the data she has presented to you will not be repeated in the future.

Normally, it is the betrayed spouse, BS, that has to fight for the marriage, but that is based on their being a good marriage history somewhere in the past. You have never had that although in your ignorance of her actions you thought you did. This means that unless she really does change and see the light you really have little hope of saving this marriage unless you derive some pleasure from your W being with other men and treating you poorly. I don't get the impression that is your thing.

Back out of this. There are many good women on this planet and some might even be former Wayward Wives who have learned from their experience, but the woman you are currently married to is not one of them.

Please think about this.

JL