My husband had an affair with the �babysitter� about 7 years ago. It happened while I was deployed to Iraq, we had a son and I trusted our babysitter (she was the wife of a fellow co worker), I trusted them both as did her husband (whom I was deployed with) to look out for us and each other. But it�s not so much the actual affair (I seen it coming) but he lied about it for 3 years after and kept denying it although her husband had already basically hinted to me that it had happened.

For 3 years he called me paranoid and crazy, a complete control freak and told me I was ridiculous. He was so different after I got back from Iraq, like he was going through midlife crisis, every guy I have ever known has a tendency to look at porn but after I got out of the military and while I was pregnant he became addicted. I found out later that while we were trying to conceive our second child after Iraq he had invited her over again to smoke (but swore nothing happened).

He started drinking heavily and got high regularly. He was always talking about his Wild child days and couldn�t (wouldn�t) make time for us. I was always the cool chick and tried everything to get him to connect with me (maybe I was paranoid and crazy I thought) but after 3 years of this I had enough and wanted him out! I was attending night school and came home to a drunken high husband who was supposed to be watching our 2 sons.

In our fighting he eventually admitted to the affair. So I told him to pack up and get out! I had enough and so we separated. But with 2 kids you�re never really separated, he swore to try and become a better man and he took the boys on trips every other weekend. I was extremely resentful and slept around with other men (every other weekend). I wanted to push him away; I wanted him to leave me be. I wanted him to hate me and go find someone else. But the harder I pushed him away the more persistent he became and always tried to squeeze back into my life.

For 3 years It�s been this back and forth battle of me trying to push him away and him trying to come back and last year I decided to give him another chance and we bought a home in Germany to live. But for a year now he�s been drinking again and we can�t seem to stop fighting over the dumbest things.

Everything is so tied to our deep resentment for one another. I am often perplexed as to why he even tries to be with me if he hates me so much and feels like I am trying to control his life. I don�t want alcohol in this house. It ALWAYS makes us fight or have sex which we can�t seem to do sober. And if we have a good night of sex it�ll be a fight in the morning (sex isn�t good enough for him unless I act like a cheap you know what).

I hate it; I hate how I feel and who I am around him. We talk about it all the time but it just turns to more arguing and we get nowhere. Now I am leaving again, I told him this fighting isn�t fair to the kids and I am moving to stay near his parents (the kids need some sort of family and I don�t have one of my own) and I need to finally finish school that I keep having to put off because of all of these changes.

He is stuck here in Germany in this house he bought and now has decided to do a tour in Kosovo for a year. It�s been almost 8 years of this and I would just rather be alone right now. We have 2 sons and I fear that us being together is actually doing more harm than if we just separated. I am always on edge around him; I can�t be confident or happy about myself when I am with him. I am sooo much happier and more fun to be around when he is not around me and my sons have picked up on that.

When we do activities they don�t want to do them with both parents. Why can�t he be the same person he is when he is fighting to get me back? Once he has me it�s the same thing all over again. He only loves me when we are separated. I used to love him SO incredibly much! We worked together and didn�t want to complicate things so we didn�t want to date at first; but we looked forward to going to work every day just to see one another, we could spend all day with each other and never get bored or turned off.

We were young and in love and he made me feel very safe and secure� The only person in my life I truly believed I could ever trust. He would do anything for me but knew I wouldn�t let him (I was an independent female capable of doing everything on my own) and he used to love that about me. Things are so different now and I cry myself to sleep when I think of how he used to be and how much I loved him. But he doesn�t want to be that man anymore; He doesn�t want to be that man whom I fell so in love with. He wants me to love the new man he has become and accept his changes.

I can�t love this new guy. I have already given my heart away to him and I just don�t think I could love anyone as much as I�ve already loved him. I don�t know what to do� I don�t know how to fix things. It�s all just been lies and false promises. He has disappointed me more than anyone in my life and I have been disappointed A LOT, especially by my own family (abuse). I am absolutely terrified of letting him in again. No,, no I am not terrified, even if I tried I don�t think I could let him back into my heart.

Even if I let him in I wouldn�t let him sit down, take his shoes off. I have so much love to give but it can only be given with trust and it hurts not being able to love someone. But it hurts more loving someone who in your heart doesn�t really love you back; I don�t know why he holds on to me. It feels like he knows the puzzle pieces don�t match but he tries to cram them together anyway and complains when the picture is all messed up but he doesn�t have the patience to find the right piece.

I am going blind trying to read your story. I would like to help. Can you please click on the edit button for your post and do paragraphs like this:

This is a paragraph break. Continue typing here. . .

Thanks and a paragraph should be no more than five lines or so for maximum readability.

Larry

Paragraphs for the visually impaired.



My husband had an affair with the �babysitter� about 7 years ago. It happened while I was deployed to Iraq, we had a son and I trusted our babysitter (she was the wife of a fellow co worker), I trusted them both as did her husband (whom I was deployed with) to look out for us and each other. But it�s not so much the actual affair (I seen it coming) but he lied about it for 3 years after and kept denying it although her husband had already basically hinted to me that it had happened.

For 3 years he called me paranoid and crazy, a complete control freak and told me I was ridiculous. He was so different after I got back from Iraq, like he was going through midlife crisis, every guy I have ever known has a tendency to look at porn but after I got out of the military and while I was pregnant he became addicted. I found out later that while we were trying to conceive our second child after Iraq he had invited her over again to smoke (but swore nothing happened).

He started drinking heavily and got high regularly. He was always talking about his Wild child days and couldn�t (wouldn�t) make time for us. I was always the cool chick and tried everything to get him to connect with me (maybe I was paranoid and crazy I thought) but after 3 years of this I had enough and wanted him out! I was attending night school and came home to a drunken high husband who was supposed to be watching our 2 sons.

In our fighting he eventually admitted to the affair. So I told him to pack up and get out! I had enough and so we separated. But with 2 kids you�re never really separated, he swore to try and become a better man and he took the boys on trips every other weekend. I was extremely resentful and slept around with other men (every other weekend). I wanted to push him away; I wanted him to leave me be. I wanted him to hate me and go find someone else. But the harder I pushed him away the more persistent he became and always tried to squeeze back into my life.

For 3 years It�s been this back and forth battle of me trying to push him away and him trying to come back and last year I decided to give him another chance and we bought a home in Germany to live. But for a year now he�s been drinking again and we can�t seem to stop fighting over the dumbest things.

Everything is so tied to our deep resentment for one another. I am often perplexed as to why he even tries to be with me if he hates me so much and feels like I am trying to control his life. I don�t want alcohol in this house. It ALWAYS makes us fight or have sex which we can�t seem to do sober. And if we have a good night of sex it�ll be a fight in the morning (sex isn�t good enough for him unless I act like a cheap you know what).

I hate it; I hate how I feel and who I am around him. We talk about it all the time but it just turns to more arguing and we get nowhere. Now I am leaving again, I told him this fighting isn�t fair to the kids and I am moving to stay near his parents (the kids need some sort of family and I don�t have one of my own) and I need to finally finish school that I keep having to put off because of all of these changes.

He is stuck here in Germany in this house he bought and now has decided to do a tour in Kosovo for a year. It�s been almost 8 years of this and I would just rather be alone right now. We have 2 sons and I fear that us being together is actually doing more harm than if we just separated. I am always on edge around him; I can�t be confident or happy about myself when I am with him. I am sooo much happier and more fun to be around when he is not around me and my sons have picked up on that.

When we do activities they don�t want to do them with both parents. Why can�t he be the same person he is when he is fighting to get me back? Once he has me it�s the same thing all over again. He only loves me when we are separated. I used to love him SO incredibly much! We worked together and didn�t want to complicate things so we didn�t want to date at first; but we looked forward to going to work every day just to see one another, we could spend all day with each other and never get bored or turned off.

We were young and in love and he made me feel very safe and secure� The only person in my life I truly believed I could ever trust. He would do anything for me but knew I wouldn�t let him (I was an independent female capable of doing everything on my own) and he used to love that about me. Things are so different now and I cry myself to sleep when I think of how he used to be and how much I loved him. But he doesn�t want to be that man anymore; He doesn�t want to be that man whom I fell so in love with. He wants me to love the new man he has become and accept his changes.

I can�t love this new guy. I have already given my heart away to him and I just don�t think I could love anyone as much as I�ve already loved him. I don�t know what to do� I don�t know how to fix things. It�s all just been lies and false promises. He has disappointed me more than anyone in my life and I have been disappointed A LOT, especially by my own family (abuse). I am absolutely terrified of letting him in again. No,, no I am not terrified, even if I tried I don�t think I could let him back into my heart.

Even if I let him in I wouldn�t let him sit down, take his shoes off. I have so much love to give but it can only be given with trust and it hurts not being able to love someone. But it hurts more loving someone who in your heart doesn�t really love you back; I don�t know why he holds on to me. It feels like he knows the puzzle pieces don�t match but he tries to cram them together anyway and complains when the picture is all messed up but he doesn�t have the patience to find the right piece.

...

sorry I originally wrote it in word and then cut and pasted but it got messed up. I was just about to fix it.

Go it. . .

You have come to the right place. This is Marriage Builders and we support marriages here with a small caveat. This forum is about Surviving an Affair. Sometimes that means divorcing and staying divorced. It is all about survival. Sometimes that means you stay in a marriage and work it out.

Either way, you earn tools, note I said you earn them. Dr. Harley is a certified genius and he gives his knowledge away for free, but you have to earn it by reading and learning.

Your first step is to read his basic concepts and Surviving Infidelity. Both are links you can easily find.

We are here for you. All of us have stories of our own, it is why we found this place of safety and learning. We understand and we care about you.

Larry

Silence

See how much someone cares. Chrisner did it for you

He probably knew someone was going to raise cane. . .Maybe he has good eyes and wants to show pity on the rest of us.

Larry

I read surviving infidelity, thats when I decided to post. I realized I am not even that upset about the infidelity but rather the lies.

How do you build trust with someone who has lied so much?
How do I silence myself from repeating liar� liar� liar while he is talking; everyone we know seems to love him.

They always tell me what a great guy he is. I am sure he is to other people and I catch myself wishing I was just another random person to him.

How do you comfort someone when you Desperately need comforting yourself?

I know, I got dizzy trying to proof read.

lesson learned: preview before posting.

Well let me just point out that I am writing in my perspective of things. Just because I see it that way doesn't mean it is. I know that.

I am not an easy person to deal with. I am very hard headed and have been crossed and hurt a lot. A bit too much and I know that I am very cautious when it comes to trusting anyone.

I just felt that when I gave my heart away it would be to someone I was certain would take care of it. I was sooo careful.

But I�ve always tried to talk to him about how I am dealing with all the other things I�ve gone through and have to mend. I just thought he would have understood how imperative it is to me that I cannot be lied to.

Why couldn�t he just tell me about the affair after it happened? He knew I knew about it, I asked him a few times. I begged him not to lie to me and then for years after. I am all about trying to mend this marriage but honestly right now I don�t have a clue how.

It�s the same feeling you would get when you sell your family dog to someone you know and trust; your kids are there with tearful eyes and you pray he will be taken good care of.

Months later you visit and find out your puppy is missing and you try to console the person you sold him to and you offer to help find the puppy.

Then you show up unexpectedly one day and your puppy is being torn to shreds next door in a dog fighting ring.

I feel completely betrayed and taken advantage of and now I�ve shut down� But some days, like today, I can tell he is trying soooo hard to fix it and I got nothing for him.

Good narrative.


Did you?

Larry

Thats how I found the forum.. I typed in surviving after infidelity and it led me there and from there I noticed the forum and decided to post what I was really feeling about the situation..

But I guess it's still a little fuzzy for me to know what it is I am feeling right now..

I read the Carrot and stick of Plan A on another post... I feel like i am in the stick portion but in order to do what is best for the family I need to leave.

There may be some emotional abuse going on but I don't know what that looks like. The surveys point to yes and I feel as though it's coming from him.... But I am sooo mad right now that I am probably contributing to that and being abusive also. But I feel like I need to leave in order to really straighten it all out in my head. In the best intrest of the family I don't think we should be together right now.

But he needs comforting, a safe home, compassion. But I've already done that and was rejected and betrayed.

I don't have the strength right now go through that again. I am so hurt. How do you make things nuetral?

How much does he drink still?

ok, from your OP...he cheated on you and lied about it (rarely does a man or woman cheat and come clean on their own), even though the OW's husband told you about it and you saw it coming...when he finally admitted, you told him to leave and then you became extremely resentful and slept around with other men every other weekend.

So again, he cheated and lied, he admitted and you two separated and you became resentful and cheated on him...

two wrongs don't make a right...both of you engaged in infidelity and are guilty.

at this point with all the hurt between you both...some decisions need to be made between the two of you...

First is his drinking/smoking pot...he's a father and needs to take responsibility for that and get himself some help...regardless of where the two of you end up...he'll always be the father of your kids and you should encourage him to sober up and seek help...your kids need a sober father...

Second, both of you cheated...as hard as it is...sincere forgiveness is in order on both parts...then you guys need to make a decision together regarding your marriage...if you two want to save your marriage, then both of you need to buy into the future of your marriage and a plan of recovery...here on MB's you'll be able to put a plan in place with the help of others and private counseling with Dr. Harley if need be.

if his heart isn't into the marriage and you still want to try and save it...it's possible to do, but you'll have to follow the plan laid out in MB's and that may mean meeting his needs first. again, people here can help you with a plan or a call to Dr. Harley can get you on the right track to recover your marriage and keep you motivated.

I really hope it works out for you!

Drinking is a crutch.. for the both of us. I've been trying to keep it in check but when he cracks a few beers I find it difficult to be in his company unless I drink a few also.

But he has been doing well on that. He used to drink 12 a night with no problem.. beer and the dang computer... But since we've been together for the second round it's a 6er depending on his week.

If he is bored he will bring home a 6er and drink..
upset... angry... horny... stressed.... achieved. you get the idea.

but he will only get 6 pack now.. He used to come back with a rack (i think thats like 24). Rationally speaking it's more cost effective to buy a rack that'll last the week.. but then he'll drink it in 3 days.

24 a week is average. I try to stay away from beer. I'm working out now and don't want the extra carbs.

Good post, Dirigo. Silence, I think that the first thing that you need to do is decide if you want this M. Seems like a simple decision but you need to be sure because R is not easy. You have begun to read the material here and have a pretty good idea of what is involved with MB but you need to know if you are committed to even try. MB is not about changing your H into the man, father and H that you want him to be.

If you are sure, then the drug/alcohol problem must be addressed before you even start. Whadaya think?

God's Blessings,

Say

A sixer /day is a drinking problem!!!!!

God's Blessings,

Say

yea I see where you are going with that. We are both guilty and we both know we had our reason for cheating, well we both know there is no reason for cheating and it was dumb and not something we enjoyed (I cheated twice) But I gave the impression that I was doing it every other weekend. So it's just as bad as actually doing it.

I didn't want to save anything at first and it was a big step for him to stick around although he knew I had cheated on him.

Pot is out... Drinking we are working on.. In fact I think he signed up for Kosovo to "sober" him up. I need to be stronger and not EVER drink with him. I thought I needed to leave in order to do that.

the cheating we are both very sorry for. It's the other stuff like porn and drinking and those things now that seem to always be nagging us and then of course when we fight about it the cheating alway comes back up.

I get defensive.. and he makes some harsh alligations. In that moment of being attacked how do you just chill... when he is grabbing a beer because he wants to escape... me, what do I do? Do I leave and let him drink me away.. If I tell him to put the beer away he'll get defensive, I am trying to control him.

How do I relay please don't drink without seeming like im trying to control him. I am really not trying to control. In fact I reasoned in my head that if I left he couldn't blame me for controlling him, everyone needs self discipline, if I wasn't there maybe he would excersice some discipline on his own, he would have to if he wanted to get anything done..

That just sounds silly I don't know what I am doing.

On the days he is happy it's like the real him popping through to say hello to me again and I miss him so much.. So yes I want this to work.

When it's just us.... He seems soooo happy. But when he is stressed, bored, around others, it's different.

We can't go to the store together, he just always so edgy and eyes are darting every which way... I want to scream.

But I don't, I just get mad and fester over why he's soo distracted and who he is afraid of running into. But it's probably my reaction that is making him so edgy in the first place.. just years of bad habits and wrong... horribly wrong! reactions to our situations.

he's in the army correct? if so, what does he do in the army...has he seen combat? if so, that could explain his edgyness and eye's darting...he's still in combat mode...it happens...my dad is a veitnam vet...seen lots of combat...he was a drinker too