I posted this for you so you would have your own thread.

Married 15 years, daughter 14, I am 47, husband is 54 yrs.
Don't have any info on OW, just a phone number, city and know that she is very close to his current place of employment.

I have read plan A and plan B and also have copy of His Needs Her Needs, have read so much on website and have basic understanding of concepts, but I have not read "Surviving an Affair." I am in desperate need of advice and guidance as to what to do. I am not working - we have owned a business, a mortgage company that failed and I did not return to workforce but stayed at home to home school my daughter, so I am totally dependent on husband financially, looking for work but tough job market.

About 9 months ago my husband took a job about 50 miles away but the commute to the job can take 1-1.5 hrs depending on traffic so he began to complain and say we needed to move closer. Understand that we have moved so many times - on average of 1 time per years since we been married that when he mentioned moving I was less than enthusiastic. We came up with a foolish compromise that I agreed to but shouldn't have. He got a 1 bedrm apt 5 minutes from job and my daughter and I would be there most of the week and he would come home on weekends. This did take place, but my WH also started drinking and going to clubs partying, etc. I discovered. On weekends when he would come home he would get anxious early in the day on Sunday saying he was anticipating the workweek, feeling stressed, blah, blah, blah.

I was very naive about the situation and it never crossed my mind that he was cheating....one day my sis and her husband were out at company function and saw him at a club in a hotel first dancing with woman(this is not OW, different woman) and afterwards sitting at bar with her leg wrapped over his. When he saw them, he chased after them saying nothing was going on and he was going home immediately to tell me about it which he did, saying nothing happened and he was coming home anyway. Later he called and cried on phone with my sister apologizing and told me he would never do anything like that again.

Fastforward to our decision to get 2 bedrm apt(and he give up the 1 bedrm) and move out of our home completely because too difficult coming back and forth between two places. WH goes out partying, get drunk, comes in late, I'm furious, can't sleep. Something says check text messages. The text is from someone in his contacts by the name of Anthony but clearly from a woman saying sorry i made you angry, just wanted to hear your voice, love you. He replies that he's in chicago (a lie) and will contact her when he gets back. She replies - who takes care of your daughter when your're out of town? He did not reply to her, so I replied to the text stating - his loving and adoring wife, who else? I assume this woman thinks he's divorced/not married.

When he wakes up I confront him about the text messages. He says he is so angry that I would invade his privacy that he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and he's done with our marriage. I was so blindsided by his response to my confrontation that I packed up my things and me and my daughter went to my sister's. I called him on my way there to tell him I wanted to fight for I marriage and his reply was I'm done with you and that woman is the person who does my nails. About 3 days later I went to pick up more things and found out he had been telling his older kids (my stepkids who are adults) that our relationship was over. He changed the locks and threw away all photos of me or me and him displayed in our home. When I tried to discuss the text he denied that anything was going on and said he can't control how this woman feels about him. He promises no more contact with her. Of course he talked about all the ways I failed to meet his needs and how I have not been there for him, going back to our honeymoon and describing all these insignificant incidents as the reason why I'm driving him to drink (and justifying his actions for his involvement with the OW).

The drinking, bars and partying continued on weekends, sometimes during the week. I continue to try to meet his needs and be an adoring wife, but everytime he wanted to drink or I assume, see this woman he would start to get angry, start a fight, withdraw so that he could have an excuse to be away from home.

Backtrack - he also called me one night several a month or two before I discovered the text messages saying that he was going to a Christmas party for work. I went out to go to grocery store and spot him walking out of the store with a bag (of liquor of some kind) - he spotted my car and he was looking anxiously trying to see if it was actually me. I pulled around in parking lot and he pulled out and rolled down window. He said - I was going to surprise you - I left the party early and I'm on my way home. When he got home he was extremely agitated and said he was going to the gym - by this time it's 9:30p.m. and he stays away for 3 hours. I had started making notes and dates of what was happening as a reality check for myself and I looked at the call log to this number where the text came from and he called her that same night after he called me to tell me he was going to the Christmas party.

About a month ago he got a DUI and I thought this would be his wakeup call. He called me at 3 am saying I'm not home because I am in jail for DUI need you to pick me up in couple of hours, car is impounded. Calls back says he will take cab. I leave for church a couple hours after he returns and I try to confront him about where he was prior to DUI. Bank statements show he was at a nightclub. Checked his phone when I returned from church - call to this woman at 5:30 am. - I assume she's person who dropped him off and a call to her at 8:30 am after I left for church. Could be a ONS or more involved with other women as well. Woman called the house one day and my daughter answered. After our daughter gave him the message, he was so distraught that night he asked me to leave, said we needed to separate. Told me had gone out one night while I was away at my siter's and since I was so convinced he was having an affair he decided to have one. Gave 3 women his phone number but didn't go through with it. This is a lie since a woman called the apt. the next day and there was other evdience that I'm too hurt to mention. He also brough new underwear, shaved pubic hair and bought new cologne.

He continues drinking for another week. I finally leave again and tell him he must stop drinking for our marriage to stand a chance.

I spend a week at my mom's away from him and I have peace. He calls me everyday, sometimes several times a day to make sure I'm ok, tell me if I need money he made deposit into account, etc. After about week he calls me saying he's really sick and needs to go to emergency (bleeding in stools). He asks me to call and get him appt. asap. I do so but he calls back and says don't come, he will let me know what's up after he sees doctor. I go anyway and we talk, cry, he promises to stop drinking.

For the last 3 weeks since we have been back in our our home he has not taken 1 drink and for 14 years of our marriage he never drank at all. After the failure of our business and and a dramatic decline in our lifestyle he becamed depressed. I was upset with him about all the bad financial decisions and the fact that he excluded me form decisions, sometimes spending $10,000's (this is not a typo) withoug consulting me. I don't think he will return to drinking and we moved back into our home and cancelled the lease on the apartment. We had another fall out 1 week later and he stayed out all night (not drinking, seemed sober when he got home). Said he drove to the beach 2 hrs away to think and decide if he really wanted to be married to me. Said he's been blaming me for things that he shouldn't, he wants our marriage to work and loves me. Says he slept in his car at the beach. I still had my doubts, continued to pray, had days where my suspisions would mount. I logged into our wirless bill online and changed his password to get in - he called me angry that I had done this - raised my suspisions even more. Said he has nothing to hide, but after what I did checking his text messages, doesn't trust me (not these words but implied).

He told me again that he has been praying and are committed to our vows. Does not feel safe when he is not with me and will do everything to make marriage work. Says he needs individual counseling and we need marriage counseling. I identify counselor then he says it will have to wait because we can't afford it right now. He is withdrawn but is being kind, won't have sex, says it's his blood pressure medication. We start praying together in morning before work about 2 days ago. My individual prayer has been for God to bring everything in the dark to light. Yesterday I received a text from the woman-I belive she meant to send it to him. She had my cell phone number because I had sent her a text telling her to stay away from my husband and the God will punish her for her sin. The text simply stated that she had to work today but would be off tomorrow. So I assumed they were trying to get together.

I called him at work upset, and said we can talk when he gets home. He came home in a confrontational mode and demanded that I show him the text. I refused because I did not want him make up another lie about why she sent it. I told him I just want him to tell me the truth and that he needed to calm down so we could talk. I never told him the content of the text message either. He said that I was playing games and being manipulative and he had only one thing to say to me. He will be moving out. I said please move on Friday when you get paid because clearly you are unwilling to work through these issues. He said I can't dictate when he moves and he will move when he gets ready. He also stated that this woman is being vindictive (why would a woman he has never had an affair with be vindictive), he's had no contact with her and her friends may have sent me the text.

Sorry for so much detail but because he continues to deny of course he makes me think I'm crazy or paranoid. He usually keeps his cell phone with him at all times, but a couple of days ago,he kept asking me to hold his cell phone while he went to the restroom while we were at the doctor's office, I guess a demonstration that he trusts me or is trying. But when I received that text yesterday it set us back to square one.

I understand plan A and but I am not sure how to proceed. I agree with Dr. Harley's policy of radical honesty wholeheartedly. How can we rebuild if he won't admit the truth?

We have been talking about relocating and I told him this morning maybe we just need a fresh start and should move out of state. He is unhappy with his job (always the case) and we don't like the hustle and bustle of the city we are in, job prospects are especially bad, etc. But he said he can't deal with my behavior of trying to control and manipulate him. But we can talk when he gets home.

But if we stay in California I am not sure how I should proceed. Let him just go if that is his plan and attempt to implement Plan A while he is here? Or just ignore him until he leaves which is what the Taker in me wants to do.

Again, welcome to MB.

You said that you've been reading a lot of MB, but haven't read Surviving an Affair. That should be one of your first priorities.

For now, stop with the confrontations and relationship talk and begin to work on yourself (Plan A). Figure out what your LB's towards your WH are and start eliminating them from your behavior. Find the article about the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A. It's important.

You really need to find out who this OW is as I believe you are being gaslighted. Sounds like OW and your WH are still active. With that information, you will need to expose the affair. Gather your information first and then expose to everyone at one sitting if possible.

DO NOT TELL YOUR WH ABOUT THIS SITE.

Couple of questions. How did your WH's first marriage end? How long was he divorced before you met him?

Have you read the Basic Concepts?

Do you know how OW and WH met? Do they work together?

As you go through this make sure you stay on this one thread. It makes it much easier for people to keep up with what's going on with you.

Hopefully, others will chime in. Unfortunately, I'm not very good at welcome posts but I think I've given you a good start.

How did WH & OW meet? He gets regular manicures and pedicures - I believe the part about her being his manicurist is true but that obviously is not all she offers. I do have her phone number but have no other info about her. They do not work together. This type of connection is a little odd for him (he's a "class/status snob")so I thought the drinking was driving this part of his behavior.

Yes, I have read basic concepts.

Prior marriage divorced 10-15 yrs before we met: said ex-wife tricked him into marrying him - lied said she was pregnant. He was very young and parents forced him to marry her. After he found out the truth he was devastated but tried to make it work, but unable to. His kids were adults when we married.