Understood.

I think we're saying the same thing with different words. For example, there will be men @ the sci-fi film festivals and they share that interest with me; however, if there's one there who I am always hanging out with when I go and I make plans to meet him alone I am threatening my marriage.

Whoa! I wish I had a nickel for every story I've read on here about A's that started in online gaming and chat rooms.

And I want to know why I keep wishing for nickels and never get any...

Ditto! I thought everyone knew this!

I'm sorry, but you're wrong. I say that I never do that, and I am not on here posting behind my husband's back.



Showing up at Walmart to buy the same item on sale is not "sharing an interest." There is no sharing. Just because two of us happen to be in the same place wanting the same thing doesn't mean we are "sharing" the experience TOGETHER. Now, if I start to chat with the woman next to me about the item, or if I strike up a conversation with the cute guy who picked up the same item, THAT would be sharing. And THAT'S when it becomes inappropriate and dangerous behavior with the opposite sex.

Talking to a group is different than confiding to a single member of the opposite sex. It's a lot harder to become romantically interested in a man if I'm talking to a group, rather than just that one man. Especially here, where I know that any sign of flirting would DEFINITELY be shot down as inappropriate.

I do not have male friends. Markos doesn't have female friends. I do not interact with men without Markos full knowledge. He doesn't interact with women without my full knowledge. I do not talk to men about my marriage unless Markos is involved. I certainly don't talk to men about my interests unless Markos is present and he and I are seen as a unit.

Markos and I met online. We dated online for awhile before we met face to face, and our romance certainly blossomed. So I know it's possible to become involved with someone over the net, without any face to face contact. I KNOW how easy it would be for me to start an affair. But, our romance didn't bloom because of public forums. We had long email exchanges and private chats. I would never private message or privately email any man off of this site for comfort or advice, especially without Markos knowing. I am not a member of any mixed-gender forum that Markos is not on. I DO NOT chat about my interest with men other than Markos.

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This is the point I've been trying to make all along. You are only fooling yourself if you think you are not interacting with members of the opposite sex. You are. That's not the cause of the affair. The problem is with boundries. And boundaries are not as simple as a shopping list of things you don't do. If you believe this, then short of imprisoning yourself with no contact to the world whatsoever you will be "vulnerable" to an affair. If you are that bad, you probably shouldn't be married in the first place!

Boundaries come from within and guide you in HOW to do what you do, as well as how to protect yourself from others who may cross your boundaries, even inadvertently. Boundaries help us to maintain professionalism at work and keep our personal lives separate. Boundaries help is to avoid situations where we may be alone with members of the opposite sex. Boundaries also help us to deal with such situations if they arise through circumstance beyond our control, for example if your boss assigns you to an important project with an opposite sex coworker. You don't need to decline, especially if this could lead to a significant promotion or advancement. You just need to know how to protect your personal space and boundaries.

See, it's not enough to simply say you don't do X, Y, Z. Especially when, technically speaking, you actually DO do all 3 but you do it with an "innocent" intent. It isn't the specific act of these things at all that define the boundary. It is your ATTITUDE and APPROACH to these acts. With the workplace example, simply keep all discussions to business - as you should be doing anyway to maintain your professionalism in your job! And if the coworker should step into your space uninvited, politely asked him or her to step back. It's not rocket science.

I know that Internet Affairs are rampant and how they start, but I did not think that ths was that sort of place. Do people on this forum "hook up"?

I agree with Prisca, privacy and planning is required for an affair to blossom. I believe I said this earlier..."Sharing" in the true sense of the word is the key & that type of sharing deosn't happen here - at least not in my opinion.

Markos did start posting here without Prisca's knowledge & many of us do post here without our spouse's knowledge, but I don't think that's a bad thing because the ultimate goal is to bring our spouse's into MB and save our marriages.

I don't know of any MBers that "hooked up" but honestly, Chris, I would think this place would be a minefield for that. Most of us come here as newly betrayed spouses in incredible pain and grief. To say we are "vulnerable" is an understatement, and everyone who found this place before you understands your situation far better than people in real life do. Though the grand majority are here learn how to save their marriages and are flat out NOT interested in beginning their own affair, revenge affairs have been known to happen. And many of us don't save our marriages and at some point, could come to realize that fellow MBers who are also losing the battle have more in common than their real life friends. Honestly, I don't know if it does, but I can see it happening.

There is nothing so special or holy about any one of us. We're all wired to cheat. Although I must say that the possibility of it happening here is probably a little lower than the general population.

But consider this scenario: two sad and lonely people of the opposite sex come here to get help for their failing marriages. As they post, they are startled by how similar their situations are. They learn as they post that they are from the same state. They enjoy the same sports/pastimes, that their respective WS do not. One of them is a verbiose joke-teller by nature and that feeds the other one's EN for humor and conversation. The other one is very athletic, unlike joker's WS, and just loves to play golf. Joker is happy about that because HE loves to play golf, too, and his W always hated for him to play! Athletic Poster says she'd love to play with her H, but he hates golf.(Recreation EN.)Hmmm...

Do you see where this could go? These are all things that come out about us as we post and get to 'know' each other, and grow fond of each other in that weird, anonymous internet way.

I bet if you asked all the former waywards on this board if they planned their affair they would deny it. Many people, myself included, are reading and posting here in relative privacy (I have my own office). Some of the "sharing" here goes right down to intimate details in the bedroom. Is is absolutely sharing in the true sense and certainly "marriage building" is a common interest between all members here. This truly is NO different than posting on a bulletin board for any hobby or topic that you may be interested in for any reason. Waywards will defend the activities they do with their OP's using the same excuses. Why are we special?


I didn't state that to turn it into a "bad" thing. Many BS's are advised, in fact, to keep MB hidden from their WS until they get their plan together. It's necessary for obvious reasons. It is not bad. Nor is it bad for you to post on a Sci Fi site if that's what you are interested in. It's not WHAT you do nearly so much as HOW you do it. If you have strong boundaries, and someone on the SciFi site flirts with you, you'll decline and that will be the end of it. If they persist, you block them. You can share this with your spouse because (assuming your practicing MB principles) you use PORH. You can still enjoy the site because you have boundaries in place to protect yourself and your marriage.

Nicely done, Tabs. I agree completely. I think I chimed in on this topic awhile ago, but it was many moons ago. Or maybe it just feels like it....

TB

Ok...So is it right or wrong to be here sharing details about our marriages like this?


I think this is a good place, and I don't see people here torlling for treats. I just don't understand why anyone would think this place equates to meeting a person of the opposite sex one on one and sharing, becoming attracted... emotionally disconnecting from our spouses to get closer to someone here...exactly what is needed for an affair.

That list Pep posted - the 15 ways affairs get started doesn't apply here IMO.

But they did plan the meetups and booty calls...which is what I was referring to when I used the word "planning". I know that from the perspective of most participants in an affair, they view it as "unplanned" or say "it just happened."

Reading your subsequent comments about boundaries makes me glad because I really do think we are saying the same things - just with different words.

We wil interact with people of the opposite sex and we will be interested in some fo the same things they are interested in. That is an entryway - a doggy door...a tiny way in. It's up to the marrieds to guard their homes

Focus on the Family has had shows the last two days on protecting your marriage.

Protecting Your Marriage part 1
Protecting Your Marriage part 2
Both shows featured Jerry Jenkins.

Mark

This is exactly the type of thinking that will get you into trouble.

There is a video on the homepage in which DrH talks about infidelity that I wish everyone would watch. He basically says that As are lurking around every corner and that the people who think they are not vulnerable are the ones who are at most risk...because they are the ones not protecting themselves and the M.

It doesn't matter where or who or what. You should always be on guard with letting another person meet your ENs and conversely not to meet another's...because that is exactly how As start.

This site is dedicated to building good marriages. That's the premise. We all came here, wanting to know more about building good marriages. I don't think anyone comes here intending to get together with someone and becoming attracted (but be careful - how many of us have heard "I didn't mean for it to happen, it just DID.") Marriage Builders is a tool. Like any tool, it can be misused. Again, it's not the vehicle - it's the person. Boundaries are what makes the difference.

I think Pep's 15 applies wherever two or more gather.

I believe it is for exactly the reason that the potential for this kind of thing could happen here is why the ability to send PMs to other posters has been turned off.

Private messages between posters either have to go through the moderators or people have to post their email addresses publicly.