I need help! I'm currently deployed and my wife, who I just married a few months ago, wants to separate. I'm pretty much coming home to my stuff in storage and her in a new apartment. We've had our problems over the years, me with my search for a career, but I never thought this would happen. I know I've made mistakes, but she puts a lot of stress on me as well. Our love life is almost non-existent because we both work so much and hardly ever see each other that it feels emotionless when we occasionally do make love. She says she's felt empty for a while and we've never worked on our problems. She is moving out and there is nothing I can do about it. I'm deployed! I'm utterly devastated and crushed and even though I only have a few weeks left here, time has come to a complete standstill. I can't eat, sleep or walk around without breaking into tears. I thought I got over that hump yesterday, but today is a new day and I find myself crying again. I just can't take it right now. I've seen the psychologist here and it just seems all he's concerned about is being getting through the next few weeks and getting home. I can't reason with my wife either. I've told her that I don't want this and disagree, and that I've been doing a lot of thinking and know what I need to change, but it doesn't seem to matter. She's willing to go to MC at some point after I get home, but how are we supposed work on our marriage if she's moved out? I just need some help with understanding.

Hi Medman, welcome to Marriage Builders.

You didn't say in your note, so I have to ask: Is there another man?

Too often, when a spouse moves out "to find themself" or to "have some space" it's so they can pursue an affair without complications.

If you're not sure, you might want to do some snooping. There is a thread on the "Surviving an Affair" forum titled "SPYING 101." Take a look at it.

How long were you two together before you got married? You said you just married her a few months ago. Do you have any children together (gotta ask)?

Just for the record, my wife also first told me she wanted out of the marriage, and only when I pressed her on the Other Man (OM) question did the truth come out.

If you discover she's having an affair, you might wish to have this thread moved over to the SAA forum, where there is a lot more traffic, and some truly great experienced "vets" who can give you a lot of help.

Fred's right Medman. We need some more info to help you effectively. The kids question and how long you've been married are important.

REad an article called "Why women leave men" on this site to try and possibly gain some insight. (hint: women don't usually fly unless they already have someplace to land).

I'm so sorry you're here. The devastation you feel is normal - you're greiving a loss; the loss of what you had, not to say there's no hope, but things have clearly changed.

You will find a lot of useful helpful information here and support. Depending on the details of your situation, you can with help from others who have experience, develop a plan.

What don't kill you will make you stronger my friend.
optimism

As far as I know...there is no other man. I truly believe that. It's the fact that we have gotten so caught up in the routine of daily life, me searching for a career in a crappy economy, and hitting dead ends everywhere. I work a lot...just so I can be able to take her out and do nice things. She really wants to buy a house, but currently, I'm not in the financial position to purchase another house. I just sold my home last year in another state and purchased her wedding ring with the proceeds. We've been married, technically since May, did our ceremony in November and have been gone since January. I know since we work opposite schedules, we don't see much of each other during the week...something I know I have to change and am going to upon my return home. We don't have any children...just dogs who are practically our children. I know she's upset with my career moves, but I'm constantly trying and searching for something that will give us, and me, a stable career and lifestyle. Right now I'm in my angry phase and am just really upset! As much as I want to repair our marriage, I just don't know if I can forgive her for what she's doing to me. I also feel like she really doesn't want to put the effort into fixing our relationship. But, I'm deployed for another four weeks so I can't really make any sudden decisions until I get home.

Oh yeah, we've been together for going on five years now, living together for four years.

Medman, you're in the wrong forum.

This forum is really for those whose divorce is inevitable and they are not trying to save the marriage. You are trying to save your marriage, and you need to be in a forum where people discuss ways of doing that. Your marriage is not yet over.

I suggest that you click the "notify" button and ask the moderator to move this thread to the forum Surviving an Affair. I know you are convinced that there is not an affair, but even if there isn't, that forum tries to save threatened marriages. Please move your thread NOW.

Odd that she is moving to a new apartment. Probably so the neighbors don't clue you in on what has been happening since you've been gone.

I agree it is probably an affair. Im guessing your military since your deployed, I too am in military and I'm sure you know just as well as I do how men around base are. They are all like a pack of wolves on the prowl and don't care if the woman is married or not. My WW slept with 3 men from base one of them including one of my best friends at the time. It is blindsiding I know. Best thing to do is investigate and not tell her your on to her, I made that mistake and she got damn good at hiding everything. Get hard facts and get her to spill the beans then you can work on your marriage.
best of luck Hopefully you won't be back in the divorcing/divorced forum section again

Do you want to try and save this marriage? You've been married less than a year and she says it's over. No kids. Are you sure you even WANT a marriage with this person? What happens when you have a stroke and need a walker or wheelchair? Can you count on her to have your six? You have time to think these things over. Not all marriages should be saved.

Was the relationship good before? What made it go bad? You will have to fix your mistakes whether you reconcile or D. That is some tough work, too.

Of course she doesn't. She wants OUT. She's not going to want to put effort into this for weeks, maybe months.

I agree with the others who say you need to snoop. Do you have access to her cellphone records online? Can you see if she's been calling/texting a certain number an inordinate amount?

Do you have access to her email account(s)?

Do you have trustworthy friends that you can count on to tell you the truth about her, and not go blabbing to her?

I think you're pretty much going to have to wait until you get back home before you can start taking action. Normally I'd say set up a counselling session with the Harleys for as soon as you can after your return home... but counseling is useless if one of the people is actively engaged in an affair.

So take time to ponder what you really want. What do you want your life to look like when you are 65, 75, 80? Is she really the type of partner you can count on to stick with you through financial stresses, physical debilitation, and so on? While you're pondering, snoop.