Hey, Ladylonglegs: I think that's about the same time The Leopard's OM is going to break free. What say we try to get the two POS's together?

No, I don't mean your H and my W. I mean the OTHER two POS's.

Unfortunately, your WH is simply living out the inevitable consequences of his sin.

It was so easy to see this train was coming, but it is still a tragedy. Another marriage destroyed and someone's life left in shambles (thankfully not yours!) because of adultery.

If you believe in God you could pray for him, but otherwise I'm afraid he made his bed...

Do all WS end up this miserable at the end?
Really, it did not take that long for LLL's H to find himself in a mess...but it takes longer for other WS. But do they really all end up in misery?
blessing

How long has the A between the Leopard and OM been going for now?
blessing

I'd be interesting to know if my H actually sees himself in a mess or he's blaming his exposure and probable stress-related health issues on me. If I had just gone along with him dating his grad student and not made an issue of it.....he initially said he didn't want a divorce or to move out. I'm sure he thinks it's my fault because I couldn't see my way clear to have him live at home, openly cheat on me and have me be fine with it. Then all would be hunky-dory for him.

I believe at one point I asked if he was suggesting an open marriage where I could have a boyfriend and openly date others while we continued to both live in the family home. He looked at me like I was crazy. I asked why he thought he should be able to have a girlfriend while I was not allowed the same freedoms with other men.....he said "that makes no sense".

Yes LLL, they are blaming us. My H expected the same thing...me shutting up so he could do what he pleased. But I blew the horn and that is making him very uncomfortable.
blessing

He possibly still does blame you. However, there will come a point when the divorce is final and he has full, legal access to OW. Yet he realizes his fantasy life is going down in flames and you're no longer around to blame his problems on.

What's a poor wayward to do then???

3L, you are an admirably-strong woman, in my general age group...although I've got a few years on you. I'm going to approach this from a slightly-different angle, without actually giving you any advice. I'm pretty sure, having followed your thread from the beginning, that you're capable of making up your own mind.

I became a registered nurse in 1969, and, except for brief medical leaves for childbearing and other medical issues, worked in a hospital setting for decades. I have seen death, held it in my hands, over and over again. I have seen death's impact on family members as well, and this is what I recommend that you noodle through, in deciding what to do. If you decide to ignore this (which you have every right to do, and it would be completely understandable if that's your choice), AND your husband dies, how would it affect you? Do you tend to suffer from "what-might-have-beens"? Would you feel guilty? Would you wonder if you might have "saved" him from death if you'd intervened?

Quite frankly, if your husband dies, none of these things are going to be any problem for him. But you won't be dead. You, and only you, have any idea of how you might react, and I would make my decision (if I were MAKING a decision) with an eye to protecting myself in the long-term.

tl

Thn..I guess your last post got LLL thinking.
How are you doing LLL?
blessing

Thn has a point. Although my late wife did everything to hurt herself in the last few years when she was diagnosed with Cancer all the affiar stuff and lies and drug abuse that had hardened my heart melted away. I still suffered knowing that this promising young woman I had fallen in love with was going to be gone forever. She had caused her own health problems but it didn't make the pain be any less for me and the kids knowing that.

I still am glad you acted the way you did when you found out about the adultry and support that. Just be aware of how you might react if he passes on. Its one thing to know what they deserve its another to see them get it.

I assume you have someone to talk to if this gets seriuos with his health LLL.

I'm ok. Have a therapist I've been working with since split with H. Talked with her last couple of sessions about H's situation as I hear about it from others, H's possible serious health issues, etc. I'm ok as is. I'm not going to contact him. I am respecting his wishes I feel. He knows where I am. If he really had a change of heart or needed my council regarding his health, lifestyle or anything else, I think he would have to make the first move as he's made it so clear he wants nothing to do with me for the last five months. Also, our divorce will now be final on Thursday, May 6 according to attorney.

I look fondly on our former relationship, but I don't know him anymore. Not sure I want to expose myself to any more rejection or humiliation by approaching him and being rebuffed. I don't feel the same about him anymore. He abandoned me, our 29 year relationship and our life we built without much fanfare. I'm just not interested anymore other than being non-plused as I watch a train-wreck in slow motion...

I went out last week to dinner with a really nice guy I've known through volunteer work for about two years. He divorced about four years ago and we talked, compared experiences and generally had a heart-felt evening of talk, good food, good wine. He was a no-pressure dinner companion and although I guess you could technically call it a date, it didn't feel like anything but two friends having a nice evening together. He did call and ask me to go, I did dress up a bit, and it was a nice experience. I haven't heard from him since we went out last Friday night, so I'm not feeling this is a full court press or anything from him. Again, not looking for a relationship right now....just trying to ease back into life....

These five months have flown by. It is said that after a long term relationship ends one will not be ready to start another one until a year has passed. Time needed to heal.

Your story has been amazing...I wish you well.

Thank you for posting LLL! I am glad you are doing well and your decision makes sense.
Like your H, mine too has left a 20 year M at the flick of a switch. He never looked for me again and is happly seeing OW, doing sports and could be getting a possible job promotion (I guess exposure at work was really a joke for the big wigs...)

Your H is not looking for you and that is a sign he can take care of himself. After all OW will be there for him. Right?
Have fun
Blessing

LLL,

I totally agree with what you are doing. I had the same dilemma when XWH had the heart attack. He had also made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with me. He had obviously taken me off his emergency contact list at work because I didn't hear about it until 3 weeks later. I did have a friend call him to see if he was OK. I wasn't going to call only to have OW answer the phone.

Anyway, he is still with her so I am glad that I didn't hurt myself by rushing to visit him.

A friend of mine told me about her Aunt. Her H left her for OW, then he got very sick and OW dropped him. He came back home, she nursed him back to health, and then he went back to OW. I didn't want to end up in that sitch. I'm sure you don't either.

You are doing great!

Sounds like you are doing great LLL. Good news indeed.

Weird. We had a similar situation at our school. OW (mom) got in a car accident- OM dropped her like a wizzin' toad. BS took her back in, paid bills, nursed her to health- she recovered (months) and went back to OM.
While her 3 sons were humiliated in the community. sheesh.

Checking in to update the soap opera life my H decided to live...... His grad student/OW has reportedly broken it off with him. She finished her degree as of the end of the term last week and is moving to the West Coast. This is exactly what I thought would happen. They both lived for the moment for their own reasons and now, when he no longer has any authority or anything he can do for her, she dumps him. She's an oportunist and he's a cliche for the older guy who gets hot pants over someone who makes him feel momentarily young. And a 29 year, very good marriage was wrecked all for this......

Our divorce was final about 9 days ago.

Oh LLL!
Yes, you did predict that and you were right.
I guess the next step would be your H begging you to take him back or maybe not exactly beggin, given the proud man he is. But trying to see if you are open to it.
And would you be?
Hope you are doing well...
blessing

I don't think my H will approach me, and frankly, I deserve more than being the "fallback" position because he was dumped by the woman he preferred over me for the last several months.

I am divorced. I have a nice, calm life with my dogs, my lovely home, a great job, great friends, supportive family. My housekeeper is living in and we get along great.....my home is always just as I want it. I'm not sure I want the pain and suffering of having to go through working on a severely damaged relationship. Just little to no interest. That's where I am.......