After the affair is busted up?

Larry

Tink- what you have to understand is that the longer you wait to expose, the closer THEY get and the harder it is to tear them apart. Exposure doesn't always work by itself, but sometimes it does.

Let me get you to think of a different scenario. What happens if you don't expose, you wait until the baby comes and then he isn't on board with recovery? Couldn't he choose divorce anyways? Weigh the pros and cons in exposure.

Let us know what you decide.

I understand, I just don't know why I feel I can't do it. I guess it is fear. He thinks I am coming back to California after I heal from the birth. He has no idea that I have decided that he needs to commit to the marriage and drop his OW in order for us to be together. I suppose I am afraid that if I expose right now he will be so angry that he won't come back for the birth. Plus I think he will just continue to deny that they were anything but friends and he will be ruined financially if he loses his job. Then if he doesn't lose his job he will still be livid with me and will get closer to her to teach me a lesson. But if he does lose his job then we will be ruined financially. We already have no money. My parents are sick of paying for stuff. I mean, we are 28 years old and lived with them for 2 years before he got this new job in california because of our financial difficulty. Part of me wants him to lose his job and have nothing so he is forced to come back. But then he will be resentful. If you all think that I'm making a major mistake in not exposing it to the workplace yet then just tell me to do it. I have been praying and asking God if I should just do it. He led me to leave California and I knew that was Him working so I guess I also have been waiting to feel his leading in this exposure at their job.

Okay, so what do I say in the plan B letter? I guess I don't understand why it's a "love" letter and what exactly am I to do with that?

Tinker:

Right now, go click on How to Survive Infidelity from the link in the right hand menu of this page. From there, read all of the material starting with the first page and navigating down the left hand menu you will find once you have started. All the way down at the bottom, you will find Dr. Harley's Plan A and Plan B explained.

Start reading. Read all of the material, not just Plan A and Plan B, please. Getting it from Dr. Harley directly is better than through the filter of someone else telling you what they think he meant.

THEN, after reading with the good Doctor has to say, if you have any questions, ask.

Larry

Okay, I have read through a lot of it already and I am still going through it all. I have read up on Plan A and Plan B. I feel a little weird about that because I am doing Plan A from afar. Reading what the Dr. had to say about separation during marriage ending up being permanent and leading to divorce is a pretty scary thing. I didn't leave California to get divorced in the end. I left because I had put up with his affair for 8 weeks while pregnant and needed to get out for my own health and children's health, and sanity. Plus the fact that we were always stuck in a 2 bedroom apt. with no car (because he always had it) and no way to get to the store or wherever we needed to go. So, those were my reasons for leaving.

I'm just wondering how I can leave a good image in my husband's mind about what he will be giving up if he takes off with vampira. I mean, I send texts, I talk to him on the phone and send an email here and there. I do'nt want to push it b/c he will get irritated. I do NOT want to end up indefinitely separated and then divorced. I know this is not in my complete control, I can only control what I do. I realize he could very well divorce me and take off with fang lady and never return.

I guess I want to look like the better option to him at this point. But I don't know how to do that when he is all the way over there with vampira and sees her whenever he needs his "fix". I suppose the contact I have with him can help, but I was hoping him coming home would be a good thing. That is why I didn't want to expose at the workplace yet. Because I don't want him to refuse to come home for the birth.

Well, I don't mean to get into your business, but I have difficulty dealing with a 28 year old male who is unable to earn a living except as a personal trainer in SoCal. I guess I am not tuned in right or something.

How much college does he have? What is his training?

I do know that he is probably strong, which would indicate the trades if he has no interest in college. There is always room for a guy to start as a plumber and believe me, after his four or five year apprenticeship (making decent money), he will make a very nice living for his family. Personal trainer is a dead end deal unless he has the talent, ambition and drive to move up the ladder to owning his own shop. But he needs some serious drive and I don't see that in someone who will live with in-laws for two years, no disrespect intended.

What types of job are you qualified for? Have you thought about going back to school to become a nurse or whatever?

Larry

Well, I do not take anything you asked as disrespect. Not at all. We had a rough time a couple years ago. He was working as a bartender and was doing his music and a few shows here and there. Always looking for another gig. I was working through nanny agency but I wasn't working much because I stayed home with the kids. We got evicted so we moved in with my parents. For those two years he was getting his stuff together and got his personal training certification. I started in school to become a doula/childbirth educator to help supplement his income. Personal training is something he really likes and is doing well with, but does not have enough clients yet in order to pay for the cost of living out in California. He has about 10 clients. He will need atleast 5 more. I want to go back to school to become a certified nurse-midwife. I plan on doing that no matter how things turn out. Once the baby is 6 months old or so I plan on doing that. My WH does want to train clients independently, free of a gym. They make more money that way. Obviously he is stuck right now b/c of his "turmoil" that he created. He can work as a PT in Iowa but won't make as much money. But he could get a 2nd job.

Tinker:

Let me just say this. In your situation, you have no control over what he will or will not do. You have a baby on the way. You do have control over yourself. Instead of making plans that are dependent on what your husband does, please think about making plans on what you can do no matter what he does.

Probably a good discussion with your parents would be appropriate.

Your husband is 28. So are you. It has been ten years since you turned 18, which is the year you essentially became an adult, in word, if not in deed. It is time for you to figure out what you are going to do to support your kids and yourself should husband not re-bond with you and get his head on straight. Just in case.

Reason: You cannot depend on your husband to regain his sanity in a few weeks. It could take a year. Eventually he will, but at what cost while you wait for him to get his act together? Worry will not solve the problem. Planning will.

And if he does get his act together, what then? This crisis of yours presents you with an opportunity to evaluate what you expect from him and on yourself, starting with what you do each morning and throughout the day to set yourself up as an independent and self supporting family with goals, ambition and direction. Yes, and taking care of your kids along the way.

It is reasonable for a mother and wife to expect certain things from husband. And it is reasonable for husband to work very hard doing whatever he can do, without complaint, to provide for his family as best he can, no pipe dreams, no wandering in the weeds, no excuses.

And if he can't do it, guess what

Think about organizing your day around something other than "What if," associated with your husband. You don't control him, just yourself. By all means, continue Plan A. By all means, continue to love him as he was, not as he has become. But be practical, you have kids to support.

Larry

Okay Tink, you are focusing on your WH and his actions. You should try to look at this as YOUR PLAN. Plan A and Plan B are about YOU. Plan A helps you become the person you want to be, a great spouse.

Will exposure make your WH ANGRY? You betcha. How angry and what will he do? Well, there are a few things that he will say. Could he file for a D and decide he isn't going to come see the birth of your child? Yes. Would that be your fault? No. He might say it is but don't believe him. If you could control what he did, he would be home with you instead.

As far as if exposure would push them closer together, it probably would. They would have a common enemy, YOU. But you have an enemy that is weaker. Your enemy is ADULTERY. You also have an army that is stronger, US. We can help you through this. Think about it. On one side you have the two of them and adultery. On the other side, you have YOU and US. Who do you think will avail?

Read all that you can. It is hard in Plan A. In some ways, Plan B is harder. I have been told(and have read) that Recovery is harder yet.

Hi Tink,

From what I have learned in going through my sitch, you will have to lose the fear. Someone had a post about fear being paralyzing that was helpful when I was starting out. I'm posting from my phone right now but will try tontine it for you when I get to a CPU.

Taking the steps to try and bust up this affair by exposure at work is an important part of the MB program. I know you said that you are afraid he will not come for the birth. Right now you don't have a guarantee that he actually will come foe the birth. While he's in active wayward mode he's not himself and can't be trusted to keep his word even about this. My WH like yours was a very honest Christian man before he got into the A. He went so far as swearing on our son's life while he was deep in the fog. My point in saying this is that waywards do many things contrary from their normal personality. Eight now you have a hope that he will keep his word and attend the birth but no guarantee. Exposing to his work place won't change that right now. Keep doing the reading as Larry suggested so that you understand the principles behind it all.

I can say that in my sitch exposure helped jolt WH into reality. I too was afraid of exposure but I decided to be strong and just did it. I realized that I was afraid of losing him and by not doing anything about the A I felt like I was giving him away so I'd lose him anyway.


P.S. I apologize in advance for the typos, my phone sometime auto corrects and places the wrong word in my sentences.

Yes. This does suck. It really, really does.

My latest thoughts as a fellow betrayed one reading the info on the thread.

Tink..... exposing may loose him his job and it may push them together. It may make him mad (oh, it will). It may make him have a tantrum and not come to see his new babe (a jerk if he goes that way....really a big baby jerk). All these things may happen.

If you don't expose he will continue to have his career doing personal training and having his relationship with his co-worker, trainer.

You know, the field of personal training and private clients sounds ripe for infidelity. Who would trust a guy who meets privately with clients to sculpt their bods? Think about that. Yikes. A known cheater with a job like that.

If you two divorce, the finances are in a pickle still. Yup.


All these things you do not want to consider too close since it is all pretty new to you.

It sucks, I reiterate.

Well, in plan A, have tons of fun. Tons. I said it before and say it again....if you set up a web camera and Skype you can bat your eyes, look hot and put your best face forward (wear low cut tops which show the goods too).

You could really put a lot of good stuff out there between now and when the babe comes.

If and when you expose, you could contain your reactions to his rage and nod your head in agreement that it wwas a big thing you had to do. Yup. The marriage is precious to you. Yup.


I think most waywards are really upset. Mad when exposed but they do get over it cause part of them thinks "Hmmm. I'm worth it?"


And, I forgot to mention....maybe work already knows all about them and they don't care. Maybe they even approve of two hot trainers hooking up. It might be the culture of the work.


Meanwhile and even after....work your best plan A til YOU go to plan B. He doesn't get to decide when or if THAT happens....YOU do!

Great idea about the web cam and skype reading!

I would love to do the web cam thing but my parents don't have one and I have no money to get one. He also does not have one and has no money to get one. I am going to a counseling session with my pastor on Wednesday. I have told him I'm talking with you all here on MB. I am going to mention the exposure thing to him and see what he thinks. I am getting a bit stronger now, I think I am ready to do this. Even if he disagrees or whatever, I think I will still do it. For most of you did it do something almost immediately or did it take awhile? Of course I know the WH will be angry as soon as he finds out, but about how long does it take for them to calm down and see things a little more clearly? I realize some may never come to that and they will stay stuck in their adulterous fantasy.

Hey there Larry,

Thanks for your input. I am definitely planning to get myself together so I can be ready for life with or without him. If I have to support the family at first then fine. I am going to start school to become a certified nurse-midwife. I am pretty sure I can get a lot of financial help with that. I want to start maybe as soon as the baby is 3 months old. I really want to nurse him for atleast 6 months, hopefully more like 10-12. I am just hoping school won't take up too much time in order to do that. So I might have to wait until he is 6 months old. My parents are wonderful and they are letting me stay here until I can get a job after the baby and start on my own. That is, if WH hasn't returned to take care of us. I know who he used to be and that man would NEVER want to lose his family. I don't even think it will be a year with him in this state of mind. I have prayer warriors praying everyday for his mind and heart. I'm going to have faith that he will come around sooner rather than later. I just have to have that right now. If he doesn't then I will deal with it then. I am working on my exposure letter. I also know a co-worker there that both WH and I went to college with. She knows a little from what I've told her. Maybe I should get in contact with her again and have her keep an eye out or do something? Any ideas??

tinker:


How much college do you have? Are you now a two year RN or BSN?

In most states, a Nurse-Midwife is a Nurse Practitioner with extra training. What is a Certified=Nurse Midwife in Iowa?

There are student loans available for just about any field of Nursing. Mainstream RN, either ADN or BSN, can move easily from State to State. My Ex is a BSN. 67 Started her class, 16 finished. It is tough, but doable. Most of the ones that dropped did so because they were not tough enough or stubborn enough to learn what they had to learn. Probably 80% of the drop outs were simply too lazy.

Larry

TB:

You only have one person to rely on right now.

YOU.

Your parents are going to help you out and thats great. But its not YOU.

Your Wayward Husband? Completely unreliable.

Don't listen to his words, watch his actions.

He comes home to you in Iowa? That is an action. Every thing else is just talk.

And you should approach EVERY Interaction with him from the same place. WATCH THE ACTIONS, not the words.

He says: "I'm coming home for the birth" Say to him "That's great, how are you going to get here?"

Actions: I bought a Bus, or Airplane ticket, or I have taken these weeks off, or Borther is driving out to bring me back.

Words: "I promise to" "I already said" "Didn't you hear me the first time..."

See the difference?

He is lost in the fog, and saying all the same things that waywards say.

He NEEDS to make this all your fault.

It makes it easier on him. Don't allow this to continue.

Plan A him until at least the birth. Be the sweetest person you can. He wants to start the blame game, deflect it by stating that our actions always catch up to us.

You CAN NOT control whether he comes back or not. Actions not Words. All his promises mean nothing unless he backs them up with actions. Because you didn't kiss his butt enough on the phone isn't why he isn't coming home for the birth. He isn't coming home for the the birth because he CHOSE not to.

He isn't ending it with OW because he CHOSE not to.
He isn't sending you money to support HIS children because HE Chose NOT TO.
He is giving up his family because he CHOSE too.

He may reform and come back fully.

But he is making these choices right now. And until his actions say differently, this is what HE is doing. Have no fear that what you might be told to do around here might make him angry. He is already angry.

Send the exposure letter to his employer. Who cares if he is angry. He already is. If it makes work uncomfortable FOR HIM, and FOR HER, is this a BAD THING?

No.

If the EMPLYER does nothing, then so be it. However, everyone ELSE in the facility will know that something is going on. And the real truth about it. He can spin it how he wants.

And most people understand that if one woman is pregnant and the otherwoman is around, something is seriously wrong with the guy....

Reread the "Fear" thread.

And grow stronger in yourself. You are the only one to rely on. Make plans for your future that do not include him. He is, so you should too. College is an excellent idea. There is financial support for mothers to go to college. Buti it is UP TO YOU to go get it.

And you CAN.

LG

I need to become a nurse practitioner first and then go on to midwifery. So I'm not sure how long that takes. I know that the nurse midwife program is 3 years. I am definitely not lazy so I will do what I have to do in order to make this a reality.

Are you an ADN or BSN now? How many hours of college do you have? I know a fair amount of the road you want to travel. The nice part is that you can make a very decent living along the way.

Larry

My college doesn't really count because it was a dramatic arts academy. Theater/film/music school. So I have no experience with nursing. I was in school to become a doula/childbirth educator so I know some about that. How long will it take for me to become an NP? I know the CNM road is about 3 years. So how many years am I looking at? lol.