My STBX WH carried on an on/off EA with a co-worker for 10 years. There were other EAs that came and went; this one persisted, as though OW was his fallback girl when the other EAs went south. I would beg him to stop being so close to this woman, but he insisted that they were "just friends."

When I could bear no more, I exposed it to his parents. I'd always looked up them as moral people, upstanding pillars in the community, and fans of marriage � especially their eldest son�s, their golden child. I just knew they would help us. Sure enough, his mom cried and agreed that his behavior was inappropriate. But, his dad surprisingly and coldly said that he wasn�t going to say anything to WH unless he said something to him first. WH agreed to go into MC and I told his mom when she called to check on me. She said, �Good for you guys.� She didn�t bring it up again.

But things intensified between WS and OW, especially when we came into a small fortune after selling our home to buy another one. OW�s (now-ex) husband told me later that around that precise time, the gold digger started talking about WH to him as though he created sliced bread. I could feel WS starting to turn on me, and for the first time, the words �Maybe we should get a divorce� and �I don�t want to waste another 20 years of my life with you,� came out of his mouth. I was bewildered. I shut down and saw a therapist. He said I needed help for my crazy jealousness of his friendship with OW, and told me that if I couldn�t accept it, we would need to go our separate ways. Of course the therapist informed me of the crap that was. I was in horrible pain.

Right before we were going on a family vacation, I told his parents about some emails I found where they were carrying on emotionally and talking about dates they went on together during work. I was bawling and obviously hurting. His mom asked me her ethnicity, if she had kids, as though she was shopping for a new daughter-in-law at Target. Then she told me how I'd better step it up so I didn't lose him. I was shocked. His dad said nothing, then treated me and our 3yo daughter horribly the whole trip, like he couldn't wait until we were part of the past. I'm no psychologist, but it was as though he could not comprehend that his son was a cheater, so he transferred his feelings of disgust on us instead - as though we'd done something wrong by merely existing. So much for morals.

About a month later, in 9/07, OW's XH � who I�d only seen briefly in the past and never really spoken to � tracked me down. He showed me emails where WS and OW declared their "love" for each other and were plotting out how to leave us. We compared dates: when they agreed to �marital counseling� (so they could say to others that they �tried�), when bedroom habits changed, when they�d disappeared during the day, when they started talking about wanting to leave, when they stopped talking to us, what their special code words were for us. Most cheaters would just leave if they �fell in love.� They were extremely manipulative and calculating to the nth degree. And I could especially not stand how horribly he had treated this man when he�d asked him to leave his marriage alone. He was a monster I did not know.

I confronted him. He only admitted to kissing her, refused to end it, but said he still loved me. I kicked him out. At first he told friends that he didn't want to lose his family. He was despondent. He was staying in a studio apt he'd put a deposit on behind my back while plotting w/OW to leave me. He was alone, and missed me. But then he went to spend the weekend w/his parents and told them his side of the story. Apparently, his parents weren't as much about family values as they'd appeared to be. He came to our home that Sunday evening, cold, telling me he wanted to start the divorce process. I was tired of being in pain and we made plans. Once his parents were OK with it, he was completely done.

He continued to visit dd, always treating me w/kindness and going out of his way to help. But sometimes I'd smell pukey, greasy, unsanitary OW on him. It sickened me. There was a time when I felt bad for our dd and was half-heartedly Plan A-ing and badly attempting Plan B's to no avail before finally just moving on. He lives with OW and her kids now, along with their newborn baby. Our dd is there nearly half time. He filed for divorce back in 7/08, but it�s dragging on and on. My attorney assures me it will be another couple of months.

Now, I see everything that happened to me is happening to my SIL � WH�s brother's wife. In the beginning WH�s brother defended my marriage, told his parents that his brother was wrong. His mild-mannered dad yelled at him. He was flabbergasted - how could his dad not see it as cheating for his brother to openly date another woman a week after we separated? How could his dad believe WS' claim that "nothing happened" previous to that, when I had email evidence? He started to go into a depression as he realized that his oldest brother maintained his "golden child" status despite openly having a mistress.

OW was invited to Christmas about a year after we separated, once she had finalized her divorce from her husband. His strait-laced, conservative parents - who got upset when we were dating and I'd fallen asleep at the foot of his bed after he'd had major surgery - overlooked that their son was still married to me and invited a mistress into their family. OW and WH moved in together right after that and started wearing wedding rings.

WH' brother and SIL took a stand against this. They refused to bring their kids to family holidays anymore and celebrated separately, not wanting them exposed to an affair. SIL told them how she felt about the affair and how unfair they were being to me and our daughter, and received nothing but illogical responses that put the blame on me. My insistence that he stop going out with this woman made me into this jealous shrew who deserved to lose my husband and family, apparently - although his mom won't even let his dad partner w/a female stranger when he golfs.

Then WH�s brother did a strange thing: started going to family holidays, not wanting to disappoint his parents, leaving his wife and kids behind. He told her to "stand her ground" against the affair. Next thing she knew, he shut down on her. Stopped sleeping in the same bedroom, started acting completely out of character, stopped talking to her. Her loving husband cut her off w/o explanation. Based on things she's told me - I strongly believe that on top of this he's started cheating himself. His parents allowed it in the family. Why not?

SIL is devastated, but continued to stand her ground against WH's affair, reminding his parents of the moral standards they claimed to uphold. She could not believe it when his conservative dad told her that the best thing was for us to get a divorce. On what grounds? He tried to infer there was some deep dark secret to which I would not confess; she refused to buy it. Finally, they told her they want to be happy when as they get older, and don't want to be estranged from their son. It makes sense: throughout our marriage they would talk to us about not putting them in an old folks home. So, they put the grandchildren's future behind their own as they went along w/whatever evil thing WH did to our marriage.

They asked SIL if she'd stop all this complaining and "come back to the family." She had no idea until that moment that she was as out of it as I was. After this, her husband got so emotionally distant toward her, she asked him to leave their home. But he sleeps there a few days a week, taking the kids out of the house until just before bedtime when it is his night, obviously trying to establish a status quo of child custody that he can use in court. I�ve told her this; she won�t believe me. She has gone into a deep depression, and he refuses to talk to her.

This past weekend, my daughter went to her son's birthday party. This was complete news to SIL. His parents, who had seen her several times that week, smiling in her face, did not tell her that they were hosting her own son's party. When she confronted WS' brother, he said it was just a get-together they were having it for his brother's sake, because he knew she would refuse to invite him to their son's actual birthday party a couple of weeks later. He forgot to mention all of his friends who were there, the pinata, the cake and presents. OW was there, no doubt feeling pretty happy that this upstanding, moral family had excommunicated the one person who stood up against her. It was one thing to let SIL sit alone at home during family holidays - quite another to have her own child's party and not invite her. And to know that friends who were supposed to care about her betrayed her and went along with it? The pain and humiliation have been palpable.

And I feel powerless. If you were me, would you stand up against these inlaws for actively helping to destroy another marriage? I have wanted to write them an email, telling them how awful it is that they are actively enabling their son to destroy any trust that remains between he and his wife. But SIL and friends tell me that it won't make a difference, that they are who they are. I have in my mind that I can jolt them into being the people they were when WH and I were happily married, thinking that maybe they don't know what they are doing is hurting yet another son's marriage. Am I deluding myself? Should I bother? She stood up for me, and I want to stand up for her, but SIL thinks it will just make things worse.

Any thoughts on what she or I should do?

SIL and Pep are right.

Larry

Thanks for your replies!

Yeah, I'm pretty much on FU toward my marriage. I get along with my STBX for the sake of my dd. We have zero conflicts, we're living our own separate lives and do a good job of co-parenting. Though I know she prefers that mommy and daddy work things out, especially when she sees us clearly getting along, she is amazingly well adjusted.

As far as the inlaws are concerned, my dd unfortunately adores them. They have done nothing but act "kindly" toward me since our breakup, told SIL that I have a "special place in their hearts" despite whatever mystery thing I supposedly did. If I nuke the relationship, my only concern is for dd, and the tension she will notice when I have to be in the same room with them for her school events. Since we broke up, they treat her like a princess and show for everything. They are unavoidable.

My concern is actually for my SIL and her marriage, and feeling like there's something I could possibly say do or do to wake them up before another set of grandkids have to suffer a broken a marriage. I was hoping to be able to write something that isn't necessarily critical but more informative of what I went through, and how they "unknowingly" helped.

If I can't do anything, is there something you think SIL can do, or is her marriage toast because of their interference?

Thanks, Pepp. That illustration was perfect. I think I continue to confuse who they portray themselves to be, with who they really are. His dad was always so kind, but reserved, like a wall was up. Now I know what was on the other side of it.

Do you think SIL's marriage has a chance, based on what I am saying about these in laws? They wield such power and control over their sons, who are constantly trying to please them - even as adults. Should SIL just cut her losses, in your opinion, or try Plan B? Right now, she's playing the doormat role, letting him get away with whatever he wants because she fears he will divorce her if she doesn't. I'm positive that STBX and maybe even OW as well are coaching him not to make the same legal mistakes he made with me, based on his actions.

Should she give up because his parents are just so toxic?

And I just want to say one more thing. One of the things they told SIL when she was confronting them was that family is important to them, and that's why they need to stand by their eldest son in his choices. It occurs to me that when I married their son, I became a part of their family, as did SIL. When they throw us both away, they are, in fact, destroying their own family, one that God put together. While everything may seem rosy right now, with the new grandchild and replacement daughter in law, the destruction they have caused will have epic consequences for generations. They brought in an adulteress, who callously threw away her own husband for some cash. They put her over two women who loved their sons passionately, and could never betray them in a million years. And now they have a harlot in their midsts. Good luck with that.

In your experience, do you think my SIL's marriage has a chance, given this toxic family?

my mother in law also blames me for her husbands affairs. she refused to event talk to me after i exposed. amd when i told her she should stick up for me, she said if i ever called her back again, she would file a restraining order on me. i have probably called this woman less than ten times in my life. she just wants to pretend i don't exist. she also refuses to see the kids, but she sends them packages with candy and cheap toys -no lettters- every holiday. i try to just live and let live., but sometimes i just wish she would totally leave us alone if she won't support us emotionally. but for the kids.... i try to be nice.

gosh- i meant MY husbands affairs- geez. proofreading problems

my mother-in-law also knew about the affairs 2 years before i did and did not tell me. she blames for abuse that happened too. some people you just don't want to understand. you are better off away from it. even tho i know that hurts too. i am interested in all your solutions. right now we are basically on plan b although she sends candy packages to the kids once a month or so on birthdays or holidays. but our kids are smart and i think they can see what that says. she has only really wanted to be involved in their lives in a very casual, non-responsible way. that's how she wants it. and that is her choice. i would work to fix it with her if i could, but that seems unwise at this point. some of these issues have affected my relationship in negative ways. i hope there can be resolution between me and my partner at least

Imagination:


Maybe yes, maybe no. Are there any kids? Is the family wealthy? Do they have social status? Is SIL's husband cheating? Are the two boys close?

From their POV, you could be a bad guy trying to influence SIL. From what I have read so far, which is only this thread, I would guess it is about money. By this I mean that parents have money or they will eventually need support from sons, most likely the former.

Does that sound right?

Larry