Tinkerbell,

I think you're getting your head on straight about your WH and the future of your children. They are innocent and depend COMPLETELY on mom and dad to support them, financially, emotionally, spiritually. Right now Dad is not up for the task so it's falling on you and your parents. You're right, recovery will take awhile but in the meantime you and your children have to eat. I'm willing to bet that your parents are willing to help you as long as you're taking steps to better your life and the lives of your children. Am I right? I can so relate to that because of the situation with my own daughter.

Go ahead and expose. No guarantee there but it will definitely throw a wrench into affair land. If your WH gets fired, what will you do? Will you allow him to come back to you and move in with you and your parents? Will your PARENTS allow that? I know as a parent I would probably put my foot down and say NO WAY until he proves that he's going to man up and take care of his family.

(((Tinker)))

Ok Tinker and remember, much of your route is PAID.



1. ADN Registered Nurse. Two years most places. This is the hard part. And the one without income. Get accepted by an ADN program. Associate Degree Nurse. Then you take the NCLEX, which qualifies you as a Registered Nurse.

Go to work. Preferably at a hospital. If you are strong enough, Med/Surg. If not, women's services such as labor and delivery or Mother/Baby. \

-OR- If you can get help from parents, BSN at a local University. Four years.

2. WHILE you are working, take the slow route ONLINE from RN to BSN, which means Bachelor of Science, Nursing. Mostly it is basic stuff like English, History, but some of it will be Phamacology and the like. Depending on how fast you want to do it, two to three years. Keep working and do it part time.

3. AFTER you get your BSN, work for another year or so until you have four to five years of RN work. THEN start applying for MSN, which means Master of Science, Nursing. You should be able to get most of it Online, with maybe one semester of Clinicals - leave of absence for four or five months, work part time as your are able. One year.

4. Now comes another fork in the road. Depending on the state where you live, it can take anywhere from six months to a year to get Nurse Practitioner. You have to take a test before you get your license. I would suggest Family Practice just in case. You can do NP, Midwife. But that limits your practice. Really, really nice bump in money. Typically at least a 20 to 30 percent jump from RN, BSN, maybe more and as time goes on, even more depending on where you work and what you do. I know NP's who make well over 100K a year without breaking into a sweat.

5. After that, midwife. And that varies by location. With all that background, it shouldn't take more than another six months to a year.

This is the classic plan. The nice thing about this plan is that the hard part is getting accepting and getting the ADN RN degree and starting to work. After that it is relatively easy. And most of the time, you are making a decent wage.

I dunno about Iowa. I do know that in Texas, an RN will make upwards of 50K TO START even in smaller towns and more in big cities. Texas is the highest paying in the country for an RN, taking into account the cost of living. Sure you can make $40 an your in San Francisco, but the cost of living is awful.

Keep in mind, RN is a profession and worth the work and education it takes to make the grade.

Ding me if you want more information.

Larry

Yeah, I know that they will want him to prove himself to them. My parents are very angry and very hurt. I have already notified a co-worker that both my husband and I went to college with. She has worked at the gym a little longer than my husband. She is willing to keep an eye out and keep me updated on what she finds out. I asked her if the managers would care at all if an affair was brought to their attention, I'm waiting to hear back on that one. Now I'm working on the letter. Hopefully I will have enough guts to send it out Monday.

Okay, today is a bad day thought wise. I keep wondering if I made the right decision to come home in order to have the baby and get out of the unhealthy situation. I feel like maybe his affair is getting better and that they are loving the fact that we are gone. I wonder if things would be better if I would have stayed. Although I hated living in that 2 bedroom apt. with 2 kids and being pregnant. Plus we only have one car. He said he would get me one but obviously that wasn't going to happen. He was never there, always working. So my kids and I were stuck in the apt. all day everyday. I had to walk them everywhere being 8 months pregnant. So I know being here is healthier. But I still have those thoughts of doubt. I know people say that divorce is more likely when the husband and wife live apart. But I didn't know what else to do. Did I do this too soon? I had only known about the affair for 7 weeks. I did a lot of lovebusting the first few weeks. But I also tried working on myself and being the best partner I could be. But I was in extreme turmoil and would sometimes just withdraw and be so sad that I couldn't really interact with him. Plus, every time I tried to be close to him he would shut me out. And then when he shut me out sexually I knew it was bad. I left 2 days after that.

Also, he has always denied an "affair". All he would admit was that he got to a place with her where they were close friends and had a strong "bond". He said he loved her as his friend and that there was nothing I could do about it. He said it wasn't an affair, that he was incapable of having one b/c of how he felt about our marriage being invalid. Whatever. But the thing is, he never tried to hide anything after that. He knew I could check the call log. He knew I knew every time he was with her and would even text me to tell me he was with her for "drinks". So is this normal wayward behavior?

One of the movie script variations. Telling you is supposed to a) cause you to be glad he is happy fooling around and b) lull you to sleep. Yea, I know, doesn't make sense.



Larry

Yeah I think I need to stop talking to mutual friends. I talked to a male friend of the WH and I today and WH won't talk to him about what's going on b/c of course, he doesn't want our friend to know the truth. I told our friend what was going on. He doesn't think it's right but he said at the same time he can see how my WH would be in a "crisis" over me lying to him about the college thing for our whole marriage. I am beginning to have absolutely no hope. Like my husband is justified for what he is doing because of what I did. Maybe he should leave me. Maybe if this woman weren't in the picture then he would still leave me. My thoughts are getting scrambled again. And I know he's going to a rock show tonight and our friend will be there. I have a feeling he will be bringing vampira with him. Our mutual friend said he could not get in the middle of it and let me know if vampira is there. But he said he would try to talk sense into WH if he sees anything suspicious or messed up. Why thank you so much "friend". Taht's wonderful. But I thought he said that maybe my husband had a REASON to be in a crisis over what I did. WOW. Maybe I really do deserve all this crap heaped upon me. Maybe I was a terrible wife and I deserve for him to leave.

Tinker:

You know better than that. You are asking for help by going to a pity party.


Number of things wrong with that statement, all of which you know. What happened before the two of you got married falls under the code of none of his business. What happens after the vows is very much your business. And his. And the "Friend" who said something to you about your past life was simply trying to justify your husband's stupid sign. Some friend.

Did you ever go read the definition of Gas Lighting? If not, why not. The tools are here tinker, buy into them, find strength through using the tools, and quit letting the infidels get you down. Courage, purpose, character, honor and decency are all things that count. Lying, adultery, failing to support family, and manipulation are all things that are not from God.

Larry

YES i know. I am real angry that he will be with vampira tonight. ATleast, I'm about 95% sure he will be. It really hurts to know I could be replaced so easily. Stupid Beyonce with that dumba$$ song "irreplaceable". Basically she's telling men that they shouldn't be thinkin that they are irreplaceable b/c they are and easily so. That is how my crapface WH is being right now. We used to make fun of that dumb song together and now look, he's singing the damn thing. Sorry, I'm venting. I am DONE talking to that friend. He just got me twisted up and pissed me off. grrrrr. Atleast he hasn't told WH anything. He's not that stupid. But I guarantee if he saw me out with some dude he would run back to my WH and tell him immediately. The nerve. He is stupid just like my stupid WH.

Your husband is going to understand replaceable if Vampira finds a money guy or just gets tired of him. Remember the story I told you about the boxer.

Larry

Other than the workplace exposure, are you done exposing? The only reason why I ask is because exposure is supposed to be NUCLEAR and done in one day. That way it won't be too draining on you. What I mean by that is that way it is done and you get over it.

About WH being with POSOW, so what? How does that change what YOU are doing? My WH lives with POSOW. Does that hurt? HECK YA. Does it change my plan? NOPE. I am doing what I am doing regardless what they are doing. You are better than she is, you know that. You are worth it. You know that too. Stop buying into what these people are telling you. People aren't comfortable with adultery. I wasn't comfortable talking about it before. Now I am open with anyone who wants to know.

Thanks Larry,

You are good at directing me back on the right path. I have not found the definition of gaslighting on this website. I have looked it up online though. But is gaslighting using past events that actually happened? I thought it was more of a way to make a person crazy like: "You're having an affair" and WS answers: "What are you thinking? You're crazy! You must be having an affair if you're accusing me of one!" That was more of what I thought gaslighting was. Correct me if I'm wrong.

What you need to understand is that he already has used this excuse for what he is doing. THAT is the gaslighting.

And you are BUYING IT.


His whole justification for having his affair is that his marriage is invalid.

It is invalid, he says, because you supposedly failed to confess some heavy petting you engaged in prior to the marriage? Right. This "invalidates" a marriage?????


Let's see, where is that written?????


I do not find this anywhere, Tinkerbell. This is garbage, and you know it. Furthermore, HE KNOWS IT.

It is gaslighting, plain and simple, in order to cause you to believe that YOU are the reason that he has justification to have an affair.


Furthermore, it is his very weak attempt to give himself a crack in the door to give HIMSELF permission to do what HE KNOWS HE SHOULD NOT DO.


That is the plain truth of what the ridiculous crappolla is regarding his supposed angst is about your college sexual activities. There IS NO ANGST.


Please be clear on that.




IF he brings this up again, I would throw it back at him so hard he would really hear that.

If he said again, "Our marriage is invalid", I would say, "Your attempt to justify your affair is invalid. Your feeble excuse to blame me for your adultery is a lie, and I do not accept it. Take your own blame for your behavior, bucko, and don't ever try to blame me for screwing around." Then I would hang up.

He would certainly understand that his weak excuse pi$$ed me off, and that it was NOT working.

He'd be finding something else, fast, because he would know that I KNEW WHAT HE KNEW.


That he is guilty.


SB

What schoolbus said

ITA

Larry

Yeah I know, I know. It was more than "heavy petting" but it wasn't sexual intercourse. Just to make that clear. But I assume you would say the same thing regardless. He called me today and it wasn't good. He was very cold and distant with me.THAT is what makes me feel that this whole thing is HOPELESS. I am becoming more and more bitter towards him as the days go on. I don't show this to him of course, but my love is growing cold. Just like his love grew cold for me. I am getting tired of this plan A. I don't even think he's missing us to be honest. I think he's enjoying his freedom. And I still get stuck wondering if God really cares. He let me get pregnant knowing this would happen. Maybe my 50% part of the marriage atmosphere ruined it all. I don't see my husband's pride breaking down any time soon, if at all. I am being the best I know how to be right now and he is still an [censored] to me. I am beginning to HATE him. I am beginning to HATE myself and think "yeah, he's right. I was a crap wife and God knows it, I know it, he knows it. So a divorce is okay b/c he has found better and God doesn't care." I KNOW that I should not THINK this way. I KNOW that this is not RIGHT. But right now I am so angry and so tired of this I just don't care. I'm about ready to just serve him divorce papers next week. He is a flippin monster and I am starting to resent him. And our stupid friend who "understands" how my WH alien dumba$$ feels. He is enjoying his freedom and "single" life so why don't I just call it quits and start my life over. Well, that is NOT what I truly want. Not at all. But right now I am wallowing in what HE'S done and what HE says about me and our marriage. I am spitting angry.

What you are feeling is t-o-t-a-l-l-y normal and human!
But, be aware that you are still in love with him and any aggressive action your 'taker'(ego) makes will just shoot you in the foot.

Truly, riding the plan A wave IS your power! You can feel the other way and even plan the other stuff behind the scenes that he can see and plan A is still your best bet!

Remind yourself that you
don't know what is really going on in his head, just what you translate his words and actions to be which might not be accurate

that you need time to loose your love for him naturally if that is what is to be

that your plan Aing is showing YOU that YOU are a worthwhile, decent woman who deserves to be loved (whether by H or anyone else)

that your children will recall this as a life lesson in being compassionate to others even when not getting it in return.

Focus on the kids and the baby and yourself and a little bit on him and impressing him with your great spousedom.

To heck with what is happening in California for now. Just focus on not lovebusting and preparing for the birth and venting here!

Edited to add....what you are feeling is preparation for a great plan B! Those feelings will help you when the time arrives to go to it! Yup!

Tink-What are you going to do with that anger? It is absolutely NORMAL to get angry and spitting mad. You should be mad. What are you going to do with it? Now, I don't mean that you are going to file for a D. As is said many many times on these boards, "Only file for a D if you WANT to be D."

As reading said, these are the feelings that will help you go in to Plan B when the time is right. You picked that time remember? Just get throw the rest of your pregnancy. When he comes to see the new babe, you offer him a chance at the new life you two can create together. If he says he is going back to SoCal, you go into Plan B. Stick to your Plan.

I know how emotions come up and grab you and want you to act NOWWWWWWW. When that happens, just remember YOUR PLAN.

Okay, this is what I'm not getting. The whole plan B thing. I've read up on it and I know what the Dr. says about it and I know that everyone else is doing plan B eventually. I do not see how this works. It seems to me that plan B means that the WS gets to do whatever they want for however long they want and then come back to waiting arms open with forgiveness. Now, I know some people will not wait around forever and will eventually file for divorce.

See, I don't see any end in sight. All I see right now is turmoil. My WH is the most stubborn man ever and he is full of pride and arrogance right now. I do not see that breaking down at all. He is not even thinking about what a separation would mean. He is not even thinking about the fact that if he decides to just up and D me then there will be a lot of pain and turmoil for not just me and the kids but for our entire families, on both sides. It will be a train wreck. Or maybe he is thinking about that stuff and that is why he says he doesn't want a divorce. I am trying to do my best in this plan A but it is getting old and it's only been a week since I left. He is acting like an a$$ most of the time and I see no change. None.

I want him to lose ALL of his money and I want him to become destitute. Somehow that is the only way I can see him being broken down to actually look at himself. He ain't doin it right now. He is very cold with me on the phone and very distant. His texts are short and to the point. He tells our mutual friend that he is "lonely" out there but I don't see that. He sure as heck doesn't act like he's lonely when he's on the phone with me. He acts like he's doing just flippin' fine.

I am not giving up, no way. I am still in plan A. Today was just a really really bad day. Terrible. And it being resurrection day and all that just makes it worse. Because I feel like God is so far away. My prayers are going unanswered. If I end up divorced then I will feel that maybe that is what God wanted all along. And WHY would He want THAT?

Plan B has a couple of purposes:

1. Protect your feelings so if he does decide to come back, you have some left to look at and decide.

2. Give him a taste of what life will be like without you.

Puts pressure on him, takes pressure off of you.

Larry

Plan A is a time to show the best side of yourself, to make the WS see the BS as the best choice.

Plan B is to close the door behind you, not allow the WS to look inside that marriage at all - no peeks at the BS, no fixes, nothing, so there is no chance to remember anything but that last look at Plan A. Plan B is for the BS, to protect that love so it does not vanish in anger and frustration, so it does not erode from the constant waves of pain and lies peeling at it by the WS.

If you see yourself losing love, losing respect, and losing hope, you should work toward doing the best at Plan A - and making swift plans to move to Plan B so that YOU are READY for it and can shut that door quickly so your heart can be protected.

Plan B has nothing in it for the WS. You do not look to see what that WS is doing - so if he is happy or sad, it matters not. If he is going on with his affair, or has lost himself on a beach in Africa, you do not know. Because you build yourself and your own life in Plan B. If the WS finds the way back home, and the BS is still prepared to take that WS back in, fine. If not, then the BS will walk toward Plan D - when or if they get ready for it. Plan B may last a week, a month, a year. It is not for the WS to decide - it belongs to the BS and nobody else.


You will need an intermediary, so you can have that person agree to be the contact person for emergencies, and the routine business such as messages regarding child visitations when/if he decides to do that. If you go to Plan B before the baby is born, you should not break Plan B, even if he wants to see you then - unless he has agreed to rid his life of the OW.

Your timing, not his. Not ours. YOURS.


But you need to have your intermediary understand that only the business end of things come through to you - no "I miss you" or "why are you doing this" or "if you would stop this childish behavior" or anything else message-like that is NOT related to his agreeing to drop OW like a hot potato FOREVER.

And you ARE right - I would have said the same thing, even if you had done way more than heavy petting. Consider that this all happened before you were married or with this man. He is using this as an excuse to BETRAY you - do not for one moment believe that he started thinking this way before he was already thinking about having an affair.

He. Was. Not.

Anything he says to the contrary is a LIE.

He is a liar, through and through.

Do not listen to his lies, because he is saying them to do exactly what they are doing to you - he is trying to get YOU TO BLAME YOURSELF.

If you accept this crap, then where in there does he accept the blame for his LIES and DECEIT?

If you had voted when he decided to begin lying to the OW about these so-called "problems" in your marriage, would you have voted "YES"?????

How then, can you possibly believe this *&^%?

If I told you this story - what would you say to me?

Don't believe him, SB, is what you would say. Because he is lying.



I want to hunt him down and kick his a$$.


SB