The CD gift was two years ago, the OM was still there at the time. He is not listed in her current work directory as well.

Get a different lawyer. Sure, she can take the kid if she leaves, but not if you file for divorce or legal separation and have a temporary injunction preventing her from taking him from the marital home. The courts will not look favorably upon her uprooting the child from his home. That is why you need to file BEFORE this move becomes established and it becomes the primary residence for the child, and you lose your custody rights. Don't ever trust a woman hell-bent on ending your marriage and breaking apart your family. Her word agreeing to 50/50 is worth absolutely nothing. You look out for yourself. In fact, you getting primary custody or becoming the custodial parent will actually improve your chances of staying married even if it pisses her off. You want divorce to be as unpleasant an alternative as possible.

Young man,

You are playing checkers and she is playing chess. Worse she is thinking four moves deep and you don't even know the game you are in.

Think about that, and then go get yourself a billigerent, competent lawyer. You are about to be in a game you really cannot afford to lose.

JL

Ok so here's my best Queens Gambit strategy as I need a quick victory. Please share your thoughts, I have done alot of reading here for the past week and I am trying to digest it all.

1. Find a good lawyer and do what I have to do keep the boy in the house. I would like to do the temp injunction thing a day or two before she signs the lease.

2. Gather evidence. I would like to expose at least a week prior to her leaving so I can be around for the fallout and handle it accordingly.

3. Do all the carrot stuff for Plan A, no relationship talk.

4. I think that I would have to go to plan B once she moves out. That gives me about four more weeks of Plan A.

This is just a quick summary of each of the steps that I see before me.

NW,

Couple of thoughts:

The advice on bulldog lawyers isn't necessarily good. My ex got one and it backfired on her. His tactics looked vindictive, distasteful, and worked against her. He ended up costing us both massive amounts of money.

The reality is that 50/50 is a fantastic deal and one you are not wise to walk away from.

Keep that in the back of your mind. What you want is to get that in writing if you decide to go the divorce route. A verbal agreement with her is meaningless.

Simply file this info away.

Gather your evidence. What state do you live in? Are there marital misconduct laws?

A lawyer that seeks an amicable settlement is not necessarily a bad thing.

Eliminate a few thoughts from your mind:

Unless she's a doped out crack wh*re, the odds are low that you'll be give full custody of your son unless she abandons you and the kids.

PSUB is a good example of a man who did everything right. His ex used false charges against him, was hospitalized in a mental ward, threatened him on tape, and she still got 50/50. The behavior that courts accept from women is not the same as what they accept from men. The slightest thing can cause you to lose custody as a man.

Your goal is to be the amicable, likable, and reasonable one if you go to a court hearing. Be above the fray and not the one that is "out for blood".

Smearing your ex in court will backfire. Don't make any allegations unless you have solid evidence.

But we're putting the cart before the horse. A lot of WWes talk divorce and don't act on it. They consult lawyers and test the waters with your thoughts on the matter, but they still stick around. The secret lies in their actions, not their words.

She can talk divorce all she wants, but unless she goes and files, then it isn't going to happen. The one thing you should make absolutely clear is that you will not agree to your son being taken out of the marital home. She's welcome to leave if she wishes, but the boy stays in the marital home. Let it be clear that if she does, you will not hesitate to take legal action.

Also, find out if you're in a two party state in terms of recordings. If you're in a one party state, then great. You're good. If you're in a two party state, then you risk criminal charges against you for recording her without her consent.

I know of one case where a guy was spying on his WW who was having a lesbian affair around her kids and he lost big time in court because he was so aggressive in smearing her.

Understand that your goal is to have ample time with your son. Nothing else really matters.

Take this from a man who very much loved his wife when he was married.

4 years later, I could care less what happens to her. I honestly and truly don't know what is happening in her life nor do I care. She's dating a guy who is very good with the kids and treats them well and I don't want them to break up because I don't have to worry about him while I'd have to worry about someone else.

My point is that you'll get over your wife. Trust me, she will be as meaningless to you as some long lost high school girlfriend and you may even be grateful she's out of your life.

The only thing that truly matters is preserving your relationship with your son.

There is life after D. I'm going to remarry soon and am with someone that is leaps and bounds a better match for me than my ex ever was. I'm very happy and couldn't ask for more. But I made a ton of mistakes when I was in your shoes and hurt myself in my chances at getting a good amount of time with my kids.

I have a good arrangement right now that isn't perfect, but that I can live with. That is your goal and 50/50 is the best you can ask for.

The judges really don't care about the standard stuff they've heard a million times. They're use to people coming in and acting like the other person is the worst person in the world and that life will come to a halt if they give custody to them. They can see through all of that and short of her being a drugged out crack wh*re, they will not give you full custody.

Thanks for reading and sharing.

I still have love for my wife. I want to be an awesome marriage with the mother of my child. That said, I am prepared to move on. To get by in Afghan, I had to convince myself that we were already divorced to keep my sanity. She is a great mother and I respect and admire her for what she has gone through over the years.

We have gone through alot together and we have talked several times about not putting the boy between us if anything ever happened. We are both good parents and compliment each other very well in that Arena.

I feel I am walking a very tight rope here with the 50/50 custody thing vs. really pissing her off with an injunction. I really don't know what my best route is. If she is wayward, I know from what I have read on many of the threads here that she is not to be trusted. But, I have a hard time convincing myself that she would go against 50/50.

If I get the 50/50 (in writing), I feel I shouldn't pursue the injuntion. I know this is a battle that I would probably lose, and would just delay the inevitable. I know I want to make D as hard as possible, but (tightrope) I feel like I am using the boy as a tool to keep her in the house and I am having issues with this.

I talked to a differant lawyer today and made an app for Fri morning. That was his earliest opening. Thanks htld, I was wondering about the recordings (most eveything else I had no clue). As for her, she hasn't said anything about talking a lawyer. I don't know if she is waiting for me. She shouldn't be, she knows I want to work on things.

She seems a little more receptive to bits of affection and conversation from me lately. She has actually been answering texts. I had given up on texting her because she would never reply. I'm trying to implement as much of the basic concepts as I can and not make it uncorfortable/awkward.

I got the GPS and recorder today! I'm very excited about that. I'll let you know what I find.

NW

Then start developing your Plan to work these principles.

Continue to get legal advice and protect yourself and your son. You seem to be focused on not losing joint custody in a possible divorce. Don't forget, it is still possible to save the marriage too.

What are her top ENs? What are you doing to meet them as you can in the situation?

You are getting some great help on your thread regarding preparation for divorce. I think you need a little more on the marriage in my opinion. Keep reading. Check out BTTB's thread and Optimism's thread too. Also read some of Fred's and Linus. All very helpful.

I can only guess.
Affection, Admiration, Conversation, Recreational Companionship?

She is a believer in true love and I get the feeling from her that this is something that I should have figured out by now. Same goes for LBs.

I've been sending her texts throughout the day just asking her how her day is and how is she feeling. Trying to do more around the house. Minimizing LBs, annoying habits is my big one. Again this is a little tricky b/c I should know this one by know.

She's keeping tabs and I think right NOW I'm ok with that given the whole Afghan thing and the tempo at work.

If by that she means infatuation, she should know better, but may not. If you have a sneaky way of finding out, do so. Several of us here can tell you all about infatuation and the end game of having it disappear one day, poof.

Larry

Could infatuation = I owe her for past happenings, ex. LB, and being away for a year and the tempo prior to that?

NW,

That would be entitlement.

Infatuation is the rush of certain chemicals in the pleasure/reward centers of the brain that are pretty close to smoking crack.

I've not posted to you but have been trying to read your thread. I think you are missing a key element in this whole process. You aren't dealing with the woman you love. You are dealing with an alien that has abducted her body and though looks just like your wife has no good will toward you right now.. none... nada... zip... zilch... zero...

Her entitlement, fueled by resentment has caused her to rewrite the entire history of your relationship. She has turned you into not just the bad guy in this but the person that has caused her to abandon her sense of right and wrong. She has made you such an awful person that she has no choice but to cheat on you because if she didn't do that she would have to admit that she is cheating simply because she is a cheater and it is HER fault that your relationship is in the toilet.

She is comparing you to OM. But she isn't weighing your good points against his. She isn't comparing your shortcomings to his less than desirable traits or even to his best attributes. She is comparing the things she has told herself about your worst parts, fueled be resentment, dripping with entitlement, with a fantasy that isn't even who or what the OM is. She is living the life of a character in a romance novel. It's a character she is playing and not even who she really is.

So when you look at her, you see the mother of your children. But the character she is playing is not the mother of your children but the woman whose husband has made her life hell, is worth less than contempt, is the cause of every problem she ever had in life from acne as a teenager to having experienced pain during childbirth.

If she has friends who have already divorced, they are encouraging her to take everything you have, leave you broken, destitute and without so much as hope for the future.

Your wife might be stuck inside this creature you see, but she isn't the one running the show right now, so please listen to these folks and act to protect yourself, your rights as a father and your marital assets before all of them are stripped from you and given to another man...

Believe me when I say that I am not trying to slap you around here. I am NOT the guy who usually makes this kind of post. My wife and I are pretty much recovered and teaching MB to others through our church. But I recognize a condition of fear, and that fear is paralyzing you. You fear making her mad. You fear doing something to make things worse. She's boinking another man and is going to leave so she can do it without having to worry about what you think. How are you gonna make THAT worse?

You need to fear losing your home, child, retirement, investments you haven't even made yet and your self respect...

Preventing conflict will not fix this. The conflict must be resolved not avoided. Act from what is right and true instead of from a position of lostness (is that a word?) and hopeless despair.

You can only survive this if you have a plan. Wait and see will not work because it isn't a plan. It is like standing in the street till the bus comes to hit you before deciding which side of the street you need to be on. Fear will not save you and the reaction to fear will always cause you to avoid acting rather than driving you to act. It will cause reaction instead of action to reign. Hope will not get your wife back or let you keep your child or your house or your life as you know it. Hope is not much of a plan.

Please listen to these guys and come up with a plan...

Mark

Mark knows his stuff. Pay attention.

To boil it down a bit more: You can wait while your wife practices adultery until she gets it right and files for divorce, or you can protect your kids and yourself by listening, forming a plan and working the plan.

Read all that is here to be read by Dr. Harley and selected threads.

Larry

NW,

Be sure you have read these:
Carrot and Stick of Plan A by:Pep
Longhorn's thread for newly betrayed spouses.
WAT's Quick Start Guide

When you get around to it try reading the first couple pages in my "Musings" thread in my sig line.

You are waiting, hoping and maybe praying for a change in her heart and mind that will reverses this process that has begun and make everything all right. There is little chance of that occurring and even less chance if you keep headed the way you are. You MIGHT be able to save your marriage but first you need to save yourself so that you can even try to decide if it is worth saving.

Mark

Getting 50/50 written down on paper means absolutely nothing. You need to file and get a judge to rule on custody before anything is set in stone. If your WW has spoken to a lawyer she knows that, and she knows that if she moves out with the kid, she can probably get more than 50/50. You need to file first before she moves out to protect at least 50/50, or you will likely get screwed in the end. Again, do not trust this woman as far as you can through her, and getting anything written down on paper before anything is filed is absolutely worthless. If you file first and get a temporary order to keep your children in the house, you will be in a much better legal position so you can get your WW to agree to 50/50 on court record.

I have read the links, thank you.

Here's what that has me wondering if there is no alien invasion.

What if she hasn't had an EA since we married?
What if the CD gift was as she said, (completely the OM)?
What if what she told me about the PA and EA are correct?
What if her love bank is just completely empty?
What if the previous PA/EA (prior to our marriage) made me crazy in her eyes and thus drained the bank?
What if it is just me and we never should have gotten married?

I have a plan based off the Plan A/B concept (based off of an afair). If her Love Bank is empty then I don't want to hurt or piss her off based off of the "What if's" above.

I haven't gotten the ILYBNILWY speech. Last night she did tell me that she wants to leave because how I am a person, my reactions to things, how I handle certain situations etc..(fog or just never compatible to beging with?). I have gotten the I was never really happy and was never really sure about our marriage.

I feel like I am at a fork in the road and I don't know what way to go.

Even if all those 'what if's' are true and her love bank is still empty, wouldn't Plan A demonstrate actions on your part to make deposits into her love bank?

I think Plan A would still be the same, but maybe with a smaller stick. In Plan A you try to meet the ENs of your wife as best as she will allow you too. It takes a long time for her to realize the consistency of those actions to have faith that your changes are for real.

You figure out what her most important ENs are and you get creative on how you can show the ability or at least willingness to meet them.

I'm thinking there may not be a stick at all. So then would Plan A/B be the right approach? It is tailored for a WS after all.

Here is the fork in the road. Is my fear of hurting her with a possible messy D and custody justified? We are still in agreement w/50/50.

Certanly agree the carrot part of plan a applies and I will continue that path.

So confused......

I think Mark was spot on. Here we are with fear again. I don't think you are looking into protection for you and your son as a way to hurt her. You are taking actions for love and well being. You are not doing things out of spite or anger. Just a thought.

If you do nothing you will have a very prolonged and sad separate existence until she files and tries to take everything. You will be in limbo until she finally decides to officially end it.

I would continue to plan A and take steps to protect yourself. I wouldn't let her leave with your son.

NW,

If your wife's Love Bank is empty and she is in a state of Withdrawal, the best possible solution is to meet her ENs and avoid Love Busters.

If your wife is having an affair of any kind and is trying to gaslight you into leaving her alone to continue it your best possible solution is to meet her ENs and avoid Love Busters.

If your wife has just decided that she is tired of your crap and is sick of you being an [censored] to her and then expecting her to jump through hoops for you, the best possible solution is to meet her ENs and avoid Love Busters.

If you find that she is willing to work with you to make the marriage a great one and something that will make both of you happy in the long run, your best course of action is to meet her ENs and avoid Love Busters.

How many more "ifs" you want me to cover? Do you see a pattern yet?

The ANSWER to fixing a marriage in which one spouse is withdrawn (or both are) or where one is trying to justify running off with an affair partner or one in which the damage that has been done by actions of the past is the same answer since the PROBLEM is a spouse who has fallen out of love with you. Love ain't magic, son. It's something that can be created and destroyed. The feeling of love comes from having our ENs met and it is destroyed by what Dr H calls Love Busters.

Meet her ENs.

Avoid Love Busters.

Check back for inspiration and advice on how to do those two things. Those two things are how you fill her Love Bank and give her a reason to fall in love with you.

If "Ifs" and "Buts" were "Candy and Nuts" we'd all have a marvelous Christmas...

IF she's having an affair you expose the affair to anyone who might be able to have influence to apply pressure to end the affair but if there is not an affair there is nothing to expose and so you don't have to expose a thing to anyone.

However...

The way to lead her back from withdrawal and show her how great a marriage to you can be is...

You meet her ENs
You avoid Love Busters.

You make Love Bank deposits.
You avoid making withdrawals.

You SHOW her what a great husband you can be.

You don't TELL her...

You SHOW her...

By:

Meeting her ENs and avoiding Love Busters.

Have you got the pattern down yet?

(Fill in the blanks)

Step 1) _____ _____ ______
Step 2) _____ _____ ______

BTW, the carrot part of the plan is NOT placating her at all costs nor cowering in fear so as not to upset her...You don't have to be her doormat and suffer abuse at her hands.

You just have to do two things:

(Say 'em with me)

Meet her ENs

Avoid Love Busters...

Mark