Hi,
This could be long. I have been married one year and learned approx. seven months ago about an adulterous affair my husband had with his high school girlfriend while we were dating (who is now married for the past 13 yr)whom he shares a child with. While dating I found out about, what he told me, was a three week conversation they were having in regards to seeing if they wanted to get back together. He had told her we were having problems and she told him her marriage was over. I was very NAIVE!! At that time I told him to choose either her or me, and he chose me.

Unfortunately six months after we were married, I found out they had actually had a six month affair, and after promising he would no longer see or speak with her and tell her it was over, they had one more rendez vous where they produced a child and then aborted it three months later.

During this affair with the girlfriend, he also got very drunk one night and I found him rolling in the grass with another woman. I forgave him asked him to never scar the relationship again, and he promised he would not all the still while in the affair with the high school girlfriend from 16 years ago. Also during this time, I had an abnormal PAP and had to have surgery...due to his infidility. I asked him several times if he had been with anyone else and he denied it over and over.

After we were married he disclosed to me that he had $5,000 in credit card debt,which I later learned was actually $7000, but he didn't want to upset me further, that he was unable to pay for my engagement ring and I ended up paying $5,000 for it with a promise that he would pay me back-I have yet to see $1, and he had mountains of other debt he did not disclose either.

Before learning about the affair in September '09, I asked, in May '09, several times if there was anything else I was going to learn, because I didn't think I could handle any more surprises...and he always denied it (surprise.)

So basically without belaboring this any more, I married someone who lied to me every step of the way about my health, his finances, his affair, and has been less than compassionate most of the time as I deal with the extreme anger I have over all that has happened. I also have to deal constantly with his ex-wife (another woman with his second child) who has keyed my car to the tune of $5,000 and continues to meddle in my professional career in medicine.

I have tried everything-forgiveness, hours of prayer, books, counseling to try to move forward with this man because he has made a commitment to Christ, is trying very hard to rectify the relationship, stopped drinking completely, and asks me almost daily to do life with him. He says he is very angry with himself for allowing everything into his life regarding the affair and the only thing he wants is this relationship and for me to heal so we can have a long happy life together. He states he lied to me about everything because he "wanted to marry me that much" yet I had to set a time frame for us to become engaged or I was going to end the relationship.

I am like a mule; I try to tell myself to move forward out of my anger and to give him a chance, but my insides scream no. I have received counseling from multiple sources and been told numerous times that because I married him under false pretenses to leave. He has also accused me of being the reason he was pushed into the affair because I was pushing him to get married. Admittedly I wanted to know what direction our relationship was headed because we had been dating over a year and I was 43 at the time. I did not want to waste time with a dead end relationship. I even tried to break up and he took me ring shopping. Then shortly after that I found the text messages between him and affairree.

If anyone has been through this sort of nightmare and has survived the marriage, please provide me with some insight before I walk out the door. I just have absolutely no trust for this man and feel scared to death. Reading through my own post I can see why I'm afraid.

Thanks for any advice.
KQ2

KQ:

This line says it all:

Why are you trying to save someone who refuses to save himself?

This is Marriage Builders and we can help you save your marriage. There may not be much to save here however.

He refuses to be honest with you, "becasue it might hurt you" and then you find out the truth, its even WORSE.

And he is a serial cheater.

Please pick up Cloud and Townsends "Boundaries" book. Because if you are going to survive, you are going to have to start establishing some boundaries for yourself. Your WH can have debt, you do not have to be liable on it. Do not buy property jointly with him until he has his debt under control.

Sorry you have to be here. Your not just trying to Survive and Affair. Your trying to survive a monster.

LG

Thank you for your response. Seeing my own words really hits home hard. I am currently reading "Boundaries" and "Changes that Heal." I have found the "Boundaries" book to be extremely helpful. Unfortunately when I employ the methods suggested in the book, my WH is not very happy.

KQ,

One of the more frequently observed pieces of advice around here seems to apply to your case.

You are in a new marriage, no kids. There is already a history of infidelity.

Walk away, as soon as possible. This is not worth the fight.

I think you know what to do, you just don't want to do it. You made a mistake in your choice of a husband and are paying the costs. You can cut your losses now or you can continue to pay ...... while the price gets higher and higher. But what you can't do is change him.

Run for your life, Kq2!

Or run, yeah. What Mel said.

: /

Not what you wanted to hear?

Larry

I just wanted to move my post back to a page where it would be read for more input. I really want outside input because I feel like I am unable to even think clearly any more.

You got the best input from the best.

Let me tell you, plain and simple. Mel is within an inch of being the most knowledgeable on here for Dr. Harley's concepts on marriage restoration. And she is rarely negative with her advice in the direction of marriage. If she says run, then hoist 'em up and get your feet moving.

Hey, you got a double whammy. Schoolbus agrees. And School is one of the best here for figuring it out. Soooooooo........

Do you like being used?

Larry

Thanks for the reaffirmation. I am just scared to death because I am already divorced, waited 12 years to marry who I thought was Mr. Right....and this is what I get. I feel like the dumbest person in the world.

I see changes in him, but I also see someone telling me he's sorry with incredible attitude. And only when I am off the deep end with rage does he finally humble himself and tell me he's sorry with sincerity. Today is my first anniversary and this really sucks. I'm not even celebrating, because hey what do I have to celebrate but the worst year of my life.

Thanks for you input.

FWIW, KQ2, I agree with Mel and Schoolbus. Get out now before you're even more invested in this travesty.

I think you're not getting many responses simply because you already have your answer. I'd be surprised if there are any dissenters.

I am sorry. You're not the dumbest person in the world. You loved a guy and trusted him and he's a jerk. He abused your trust. Every betrayed spouse feels like a bit of an idiot, and wonders how they could be so blind, and all that. It's normal to doubt yourself at a time like this but rest assured the fault is NOT with you.

Read up on love busters. It doesn't help you or anyone else for you to go off the deep end with rage. May as well learn to get that under control now. You'll need to eventually, anyway.

Why did he divorce the mother of his second child? She's obviously still upset about the divorce if she's keying your car.

Nevermind, I guess it really doesn't matter. Unfortunately, your "marriage" is a train wreck.

RUN away from this man as fast as you can. He's obviously a serial cheater, a user and abuser.

It was MelodyLane's recommendation that I not attempt a pointless recovery on my marriage that tipped the scales for me.

To this day she has been in full support of my upcoming D.

Yep. You've got your answer, KQ2.

I'd also suggest that, after you've ended this M and the dust has settled, you stay on here to help heal and to read everything on here. Maybe it will help you learn to establish healthier relationships going forward.

Good technique. I use that a lot.

For what it's worth, I also agree with the advice to leave, without looking back.

IF he comes running to you, then IF he consents to end all contact with affair partners exactly following procedures you can learn here, and IF he consents to weekly telephone marriage coaching here, and IF he attends the very next Marriage Builders weekend, and IF he follows these programs to the letter! -- then I might consider taking him back. But that's a lot of ifs, and given the kind of person he seems to be, I find it unlikely. I am so sorry.

But I agree with maritalbliss's advice -- stick around here and start studying. Read everything on this site, talk to the people on the forum regularly, and get some of the books from your library. Going forward, life can be a lot better.