It's not the act of sharing details about your marriage that is right or wrong. It is HOW you do it. This "HOW" takes place in your head, though it does affect how you are perceived by others as well. You are here to save your marriage. The people here can help, but they need the details in order to help. Your focus is on your marriage. You are doing everything you can, using all the tools you can find, for that purpose. This comes through in your posts.

What's to stop a troll from coming here to use this as their personal meat market? They could pose as a BS, write a made up sob story and subsequently take advantage of others' vulnerabilities. We've had the odd one pass through and they are usually sniffed out pretty quickly. But still, the possibility exists. The question you have to ask yourself is, do you, personally, have the boundaries in place should someone like this target you? I'm betting that you do. Only you know this - so only you can answer your own question.

Well, I guess I'm the exception. I actually hooked up with someone from here, but no worries. It's over now and it's all good. Wanna know who?

And to address this:
It absolutely does apply - here and everywhere. Look at the list closely and see where your boundaries apply:

1. Sharing Common Interests.
2. Mentally comparing with my mate.
3. Meeting emotional needs.
4. Looking forward to being together.
5. Tinges of dishonesty with my mate.
6. Flirting and teasing.
7. Talking about personal matters.
8. Minor yet arousing touch, squeeze, or hug.
9. Special notes or gifts.
10. Inventing excuses to call or meet.
11. Arranging secret meetings.
12. Deceit and cover ups.
13. Kissing and embracing.
14. Petting and high indiscretion.
15. Sexual intercourse.

We certainly have a lot of 1, 3 and 7 with possibly a touch of 5 going on here - maybe even a bit of 6. This does NOT mean we're all having EA's with one another!!! You don't go near the other ones because you have healthy boundaries in place that allow you to participate here without threat to your marriage! Compare to any non-MB forum you visit - you can probably apply the same ones and maybe even a couple of others - to normal forum behavior with no hint or threat of adultery anywhere. However, in the poor-boundaried individual, this could be enough to send them down the rest of the list.

I believe you are correct Fred, though I don't know for sure. Nevertheless, I have a few facebook friends now from MB of both sexes so it is possible to take an MB "relationship" outside of MB. I highly doubt it has never happened before.

Someone had to do it...

The very first reply to me ever was a woman offering me sympathy and saying "My husband treats me like your wife treats you." And my immediate reaction was: "What good is this site going to be to me? I need solutions, not bonding and sympathy. If anything that kind of thing is dangerous."

First thing my wife thought a month or two later when she first read my posts, too.

But you're going to get that sometimes on here. Sometimes a poster will read a post that resonates with them, and while they may not have something concrete and constructive to post back, they can at least post to you that they feel your pain. Many posters are grateful for a dash of that when they're down.

LOL!

April Fools.

Should have known.

Again, I really don't think we're saying different things here.

Boundaries are a protection mechanism for our marriages. I say I can't see As happening here - not because I think we're all angels above reproach, but because I feel that most of us have learned about boundaries and are serious about them as well as the other MB principles.

Chris- It absolutely IS possible HERE. While it is true that many of us have learned about boundaries and EPs, there are a few who have not. We are hurting when we first get here. Someone can take advantage of that. There have been times when it has been reminded to a poster not to take it "off-board" with a member of the opposite sex. Doesn't mean that everyone will start an A but it IS always possible.

Chris,

Did you listen to the links I posted today on this thread?

Mark

It just always seemed obviously inappropriate to me that I should go rock climbing or to the Star Trek convention with JIM if I am exclusively dating John or married to Tom.

Ok...so I am gonna be the one to ask it...

If that seemed "obviously inappropriate" to you...

why wasn't it "obviously inappropriate" to you to remove your wedding ring(s) and deliberately troll for attention from men?

I would be laying low and not be tooting my horn so loudly if I had that recent bone head move under my belt.

AND......if you don't think people on this site would (and I have been here at the site long enough to know that they HAVE ) cross inappropriate lines with one another...you are terribly naive..or do not grasp the concepts that the good doctor has so succinctly laid out.

committed

P.S. I remember a poster from waaaaaay back that did the same thing...the trolling for attention thing...it was just an "experiment" don'tcha know.

Sorry...not going to discuss my individual situation in this thread. For the answer to your question, click the link in my siggy

What if you never have any romantic interest in anyone other than your spouse? Have any of you never had an interest in another during your marriage?

I have never had a romantic interest in a man other than my husband. Or my DD's dad, when we were together. Never.

I think the thought of having an interest like that is so repulsive to me that my brain doesn't go there. I don't even have an interest in seemingly "safe interests" like actors or musicians. NEVER My husband does though. I know a couple of actresses he thinks are "hot". And my girlfriend often sees guys and comments on their looks as "being hot".

Do you think some people are just not wired that way?

I know coworkers would often remark on people that came into our office in that way, often followed with a "well, I'm married but not dead!" "I can looook, can't I"

They always thought I was a total weirdo, or a liar, I am sure. But, I don't think I am wired that way.

Some people perhaps are so loyal that their brains just don't allow that, they don't go there, not mentally and not even a little bit.

And I have another question, do you any of you think that if you don't have that quality, the quality of being at least a little bit interested in the members of the opposite sex that you might become boring to your spouse? Like no challenge and not exciting?

I'm trying to figure something out here about my own marriage and if I bore the guy to death because I am so loyal and have no interest in anyone else.

My husband told me recently that I am the only person he has ever met that he would trust with his life, and I just don't know if that is such a good thing. I mean to us, victims of infidelity yes, that would be a good thing, but to someone else ... Sometimes I wonder if a little bit of jealousy might be a good thing.

That is me to a T. I have posted on here that I have actually been repulsed by guys who tried to flirt.

I have expressed this to my friends and they do think I am weird. I found 2 other IRL friends who felt this way too.

I can say someone is good looking but I NEVER say they are HOT or that I would want to sleep with them. It's like the way I can say a girl is pretty.

I am even like this in my DREAMWORLD. I will be having a dream where I am kissing a man and all of a sudden I say, "I can't I am married." Then I wake up and I get a little mad at myself. I mean the ONE place I can do something with someone other than my WH and I won't let myself.

Yeah, I think some people are just so loyal, loyal to every commitment, their spouses, their employees, their friends.

I do have male friends, and I do discuss common interests and I did when I was working, with clients, too. But, I never not even for a second, thought romantically.

Plus, I always think about their spouses or girlfriends. It just seems so wrong not to. Even when I was bartending, I always looked at the girl that was with them.

So that slippery slope everyone keeps talking about, I don't know, I think you might have to have the loyalty gene missing in the first place. There must be some kind of lack of commitment that gets you sliding. Something more than just E/N's not being met.

I do think we are all 'wired' for it. Some of us need a greater set of circumstances to be met for it to even be considered though. Before I found this site I would have counted myself in the same category- too loyal/faithful/committed to even think of others in a romantic way.

I have to take myself off the pedestal and realize that I am just a human, and if the conditions were just right, it would be possible. That being said, it is still highly unlikely. Especially after living with the pain of betrayal myself.

Weaves- I agree with SOL here too. I do believe that I am ABLE to have an affair. I just know that It would take a lot. Although I absolutely am in love with my WH to this day, I know that when I first found out, I did look at guys and see the possibilities(BTW that scared me). I have EPs set up for what I want and I don't let myself get in that kind of headspace. I KNOW I AM CAPABLE of having an A, if I allowed myself to get there. I do believe that EVERYONE is CAPABLE. If I didn't, I don't think I could ever follow the MB principles without being able to agree with one of the MAJOR concepts behind DrH's writings. I would also not be able to recover(if my WH pulls his head out of his A$$ in time) my M if I didn't believe that this is a part of all of us but that we can put up road blocks to stop it.

SOL and Scotland,

I see what you are saying, and on here we have had this conversation before and it usually erupts into some hard feelings, so I am not going to drag it out further. Maybe it is a pedestal I am putting myself on, maybe even arrogance. But why do some people have fantasies in their heads about members of the opposite sex and some people don't?

I think this is a very important point that Scotland made, and one that I really need to look at, too -


It's not that I don't think everyone can put up roadblocks to stop it, of course I do, because no one is a slave to their weaknesses. Everyone has control over where their mind goes. If they take responsibility enough.

I guess I'm having trouble deciding if I even want my husband, if he is not able to commit on his own free will and of his own accord.

And if I don't buy into all of the ideas of Harley...should I be buying into any of them?

But it is true that a lot of people just don't realize what they have until they almost lose it. Just look at the people on here who desperately want to save their marriages to someone who seemingly wants someone else. My whole point about a little jealousy waking someone up to what they might lose.

I'll take up my own thread, I think, so as not to muddle this one. I have too much confusion going on in my head right now.

Some people have better impulse control than others and "loyalty" can serve as impulse control...We are all human though, hence the need for protective boundaries around our marriages.

Have I ever been attracted to someone other than my H during our 10 years of marriage. I say "yes" - exactly 2 times. I avoided those men like the plague as soon as I sensed "something." I told my H about it too.

{{{weaves}}}