I've been married to my wife for 7 years. I had an affair this past year, and we separated 4 months ago. I have been trying to work things out with her for the past 3 months. She went through ups and downs at first, then after one marriage counseling session she called it quits...tried to separate herself from me, and move on. She wanted very little to do with me and was convinced it was over. Just last week she started calling me, and talking for hours on the phone, she came to see me at work, and then called later to invite me on a romantic getaway to see if we could "reconnect" We went for 4 days. She was up and down the first day, and I could tell she was forcing it. The next 2 seemed wonderful, and we had an unbelievable time. Well yesterday (the day after we got back) we spent all day together, and I could tell she was really struggling again. A LOT of *sighs* and inquisitive looks. The last 4 days she talks about out future TOGETHER like its a done deal most of the time, but then backslides and says she "just doesn't think its going to happen, how can she be with someone who could do that to her, maybe we'd be better off as friends, etc.


We were evaluating things last night, and she said she thinks her expectations were too high for the trip. She said I FAR exceeded her expectations personally, and we had much more fun than she thought we would, but she still doesn't love me like she did before. She was hoping to "fall back in love with me" and that I did everything right but it didn't happen.

She also hinted that if it wasn't for our daughter she probably wouldn't be trying, but if she does try she wants to feel like she used to about me.

What else can we do?

P.S.
She was supposed to put her notice in at her apartment last week, or sign a new 6 month lease! She's been tellnig me the entire time she was signing a new one, but hasn't yet!

Welcome to MB, DJB.

Please tell us more about the affair. Who was OW? Was she a work colleague? Does she live in your neighbourhood? Is she married or with a partner? How did the affair start, how long did it last and how did it end? How did the separation come about?

Have you read, and tried to implement, Dr Harley's recommendations for rebuilding after an affair? How Should Affairs End? and
Restoring the Marital Relationship

The girl (married) was someone I met on the internet, it was platonic, but I was very emotionally attached. My wife tried to get me to stop talking to her for several months. With the ultimatums (she was going to move out if I didn't stop) I got confused,told her how this girl was making me feel etc.(big mistake) and the relationship turn physical, for a very brief period. Stayed confused, I was back and forth between wanting to be with my wife and this other girl for the first month after my wife left. Just over a month later, I had a really bad day, went to see my wife at her apt. Took one look at her and KNEW I couldn't be without her. I cut all ties with the other girl and haven't looked back.
I've been taking several steps to make sure this never happens again.
(more details later if needed I have to get to work)

I have only read "His Need Her needs" from Harley
(Should have read that before)

Get Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley and give it to your wife. READ everything in the right hand menu here. The two of you can fall in love and stay in love with work. There are a number of steps to take, including retribution.

The important bit is to acquire emotional tools that both explain why you did it and how to affair proof a marriage. Dr. Harley gives the tools away. He supports this forum, which helps people acquire those tools and how to use them. If you can afford it, I almost always recommend that you have a session or two or three with the Coaching Center. Never hurts and almost always helps.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Larry

Hi, I had an A four years ago, and here are some of the steps I took that I feel are necessary for any recovery. They go along with what you will be reading in SAA and on this site.

1. Confess EVERYTHING. You said it was a mistake to share how you felt. It relly wasn't. Your W needs to know everything she wants to know. answer every question with as much detail as SHE NEEDS, not as much detail as you think she needs

2. Own 100% of the A. The surrounding circumstances, contributing factos, etc. are in many ways irrelevant. An A is a choice. We are 100% responsible for our choice.

3. She needs to see remorse and contrition. If my H hadn't seen my true remorse, I don't think he would have stuck around. What we did was terrible. We need to feel the impact of that.

4. Be completely transparent. Every password, every phone number and cell info, she needs to know where you are 24/7, and if you don't have to be away from her, don't be away from her. Don't tell her you'll give her the info - just give her the info.

5. Let her have the highs and lows. It took about a year before things predictably leveled out for us. We'd have a great period, and then H would seem to bottom out. It really is like grief. It's a process.

6. Try to find out what her EN's are, and meet them like gangbusters

I hope some of that helps. H and I made it. It can happen.

1. I have confessed EVERYTHING.

2. Done

3. Really done

4. Done

5. Trying...there were highs and lows for a month, then JUST a low for a month or more, then BANG 1 day last week, and there have been more highs than lows for the past several days. She seems ready to give up a lot of the time even this past week, but she is still back to saying "we" and talking about our future as if it's a done deal a lot of the time as well.

6. I think I have been this past week, but wasn't letting me for the last month or so. Hopefully she will continue. She HAS to sign a new apartment lease or turn in a 60 day notice ASAP. And It's going to be terrible if she signs a new one. I don't know what she's going to do. I think if she would have "fell back in love" with me on our little vacation, she wouldn't have re-signed. Now I think she's leaning toward signing it...

Write a NC (no contact) letter to OW (other woman) that your wife approves of and mails. Here's a link to an archived thread about No Contact letters.

Answer your wife's questions with complete honesty and answer them thoroughly. Don't hold back information "to protect her". That's insulting to her and will only cause her to doubt you.

How did you usually contact OW?
Does she live in the area?
Do you work together?
How did you meet?
What I'm looking for here is information on how close she is and how easy it might be for you to bump into one another.

Did you get SAA. Will you get SAA.

Highs and lows are normal. Keep courting her.

If she renews the lease, don't despair. I could take a year for you to win her back.

Larry

Does the OW's husband know what you and his skanky wife have done to him?

How would your wife be assured you wouldn't do this again to her and your child? What kind of boundaries have you set in place to ensure you never do this again to her?

I haven't talked to the other girl since the 1st week of January, and it was clear to her (the girl)that I would not ever again. And I wanted my wife.

I contacted her by Email,Facebook, Skype, Cell phone.
Deleted my Facebook account, uninstalled Skype, and my wife can track my cell phone usage. Of course you can get prepay phones, different email accounts, etc, but I will NOT.

She does not live in the area, she lives in the town I grew up in. The only chance of running into her would be when I go back home for family visits, which I won't do without my wife by my side.

The husband knows...to what extent of the details, I'm not sure.

I don't know how to convince my wife I wouldn't do it again. Words won't do it. I'm convinced that I won't do it again. I'm 38 and for the 1st time in my life I feel as if I never want to experience another woman as long as I live. I never could have said that before...I just hoped I could deal with the temptation. I'm 100% committed to my wife. Problem is she's convinced this is just a feeling I'm having right now, and it will happen again.
I read His Needs her needs, and We (especially me) did a lot of things wrong before. I'm reading a lot of books on marriage, affairs, sexual temptation, etc. Going to counseling, started going to church. I'm making her my #1 priority which I really never did before.

If you really love your wife you are going to have to hang in there for the long haul. You are going to have to court her, you are going to have to be transparent on everything. Give her all your passwords and tell her she can look at anything at any time. Leave your cell phone laying around so she can look at it. Let her have access to the cell phone bill on line. Answer any and all questions whether you want to or not and as many times as she wants. I am not 100% sure but she probably still loves you but is hurting so bad right now and is confused. Give her time and plenty of it. Don't push, but be there and be the husband she deserves. Show her what you can be like.

Still hoping and praying.

Gotcha. In that case, I would ask your wife to call her husband and give him all the evidence of the affair. You need to make sure he knows and knows the full story. That is the least you can do to make amends to your victim. He has to know what you have done to him so he can protect himself and his children from you. Additionally, your parents, your family and your children should know all about your affair. But everyone should know about your affair. The more people who know, the more people to keep you accountable. She shouldn't take you back if you won't do that because unless you are willing to tell others and make amends you are not serious. Can you send your wife here so we can help her?

If there is a chance you will run into her at family visits in your hometown, then I would cross that town off your list forever. You will be triggered by your OW whether your wife is with you or not. And I assure you that your wife will be triggered just going there.

With all due respect, promises are meaningless. That would not suffice. What might work is to agree to stay off the computer unless she is with you.

Thank you Melody, thats a good idea about the town. The only family left there is my mother now anyway. She can meet me at my brothers I guess.

And I have already said I would get rid of the computer, and just let her have her laptop for her business.

Traci- She has all my passwords, can track cell usage, everything.
NOT pushing has been the hardest thing, because I'm so scared of losing her.

Like I said, just give her time and be there for her and be the man she deserves. Meet her EN's and I am sure that she will be willing to work with you. Just ask the other BS here. It is hard but worth it. Recovery isn't for the weak.

Still hoping and praying.

Good advice here. Definately read SAA. It's definately possible to fall back in love after an affair. Good luck...hoping and praying for you.

I should read "surviving an affair" or she should? Or both? I've talked to her on the phone for 2 hours already today. I can tell she is still back and forth, but at least she is still talking to me, and is coming by work to see me later. I wish there was some magic I could work besides "time" Time I have...but I'm worried about how much time she's willing to give it 0_o

DJB, my WH has been back for just over 3 months and we have made a little progress but not enough. I know that it takes time and I have to give it time. He keeps saying that he has to find happiness in himself and that he doesn't love me any more. That is the fog still talking. At least you are willing to make it work, he isn't even to that point yet.

Both of you need to read SAA and His Needs, Her Needs. Those are 2 very good books. Just keep talking to her, she's listening.

Still hoping and praying.

You should read it first and then offer it up to her to read it as well.

Just be patient and do not get frustrated. Put your taker on hold for a while and max out your giver. For now, the best EN you can probably meet for her is conversation. Meet this like gangbusters. The two hour phone conversations are good. Just keep this up. It will likely take 6 months to a year to fully convince her. When she says stuff like, "I thought I would fall in love with you again, but I'm not sure," say stuff like, "well I'll be here waiting until you do." Simple things to let you know there is no immediate pressure, but that you still want her.

As for MB, just let her know you have really been exploring how to make things better between the two of you, and just leave the book at her place to pick up and look at if she is interested.