I am writing because my friend is on a dangerous path she thinks is recovery.

To make a long story short, her husband had an affair. I have gone through all of this with her and watched her self esteem and self respect take a swan dive into oblivion. I also know they are trying to work this out. However, this scum of a man has also been spreading lies about her to make himself look better. Anyone who knows him he has informed that it was she who had the affair. He has garnered sympathy from all his work colleagues, some of whom she has known for a long time. They all think it was her. Meantime, he's out with his friends, laughing it up and she's at home biting her nails to the quick wondering what he's up to now.

The affair wasn't the deal breaking issue to me, it was his lying, manipulating and ruthlessness after the truth came out that kills me as a friend. Now, she is distant and cold with me. Perhaps I know too much, I don't know but it hurts like hell to lose someone you love. I would have supported her decision, but I can't take the lies he is still spinning and the fact that he has had more than one affair behind her back, we are sure of it.

The worst part? She is completely unaware that he has engineered this web of lies and she looks like the shamed woman. I KNOW she would NEVER EVER have an affair.

Do friendships die because of affairs? I tried, but now it is just a gaping expanse of distance.

I can't tell her about this info because if they are trying to recover, I will be the reason for more mistrust and acrimony. I detest what he has done to her...but somehow, deep inside, she must know what kind of man he is....

Do I just fade away?

PS-I have also been trying to quietly inform people that under no circumstances did she have an affair of any kind.

Read what you said a half hour ago. I am trying to think of a way you can help.

How about this:

Write her a letter. Not a long letter. Maybe along these lines.

Dear XXXX;

As your true friend, I believe there is something you need to know. Your husband had an affair. This is not the first time. He is telling everyone that you are the one who had the affair.

I know you will not want to believe me. I know that you will probably stop our friendship. I will hate it if you do, but I think that my duty as your true friend is to tell you what you need to know instead of what you are trying believe.

XXXX

All I can think of. What do you think?

Larry

I'm a little confused. Are you a girl friend or a guy friend?

Thanks Larry,

She knows all about the affair. She also most likely knows of the past. However, she believes everything that comes out of his mouth and I, as a friend, would be killing their "recovery" if I told her about the lies he is spreading.

This is also 100% verified truth.

Unfortunately, she is being brainwashed by him.

I am one of her closest girl friends...sorry for the confusion.

Obviously the affair was just about as devastating for her as anything could be, but I meant that he has made matters sooo much worse by betraying her in another cruel way. Actually, his betrayal knows no limits.

A true friend tells what has to be told. This is my opinion. She needs to know. He is a lying cheat and manipulator. No way should she live a lie.

Larry

She needs to know. He is betraying her all over again. I cannot imagine that anyone who was truly remorseful would do what he is doing. She might be angry with you, but she has to know this.

I believe you and I am with you. If it were not for me she may have never learned of the affair in the first place. I urged her to check on things.

It is different now. She wants absolutely no more hurtful info regarding her husband. She is closed off.

Also, if her husband wanted to, he could make life difficult for my husband. We all used to be very close and his actions have shocked us beyond repair. My husband works with him and he got mad at my husband and I for helping her out. Who knows what his spite is capable of.

Well, tough decision. Maybe just wait. That guy is a train wreck waiting to happen. And for everyone who has anything to do with him. Sorry.

Larry

Thanks Larry,

It is a truly messed up situation. If it were only me, and not:

A: The well being of her wanting the recovery (she has children as well) and being ignorant to all the clues.
B: The well being and safety of my family.
C: The potential ramifications of his wrath.

...I would have gone to him and said that he had one week to sit down and tell her himself, or I will be paying her a visit.

I am so with you on the need to know thing and part of me feels like a crappy friend for having this info about him spreading these lies about her...but I have to much to worry about if this a$$ hat decides to wage war against us. He frightens me. And we were all so close. This affair and his legion of lies has wrecked so much. I am afraid she is gone for good, and I will never ever forgive him for that. She is in a land of confusion, that or a land she has manufactured to protect her from reality.

All her real friends have been replaced with enabling nit-wits.

I miss my friend.

I agree. You have to do what is right. And your own family trumps all. If he starts in on you or your husband, you will be in a position to point out that you have stayed out of his business and will continue to do so if he stays out of your own.

Otherwise. . .

Yea, blackmail.

Larry

HAHAHA! Oh....don't think I haven't thought about that and a bevy of other forms of torture!!

I love their kids and that another bit of collateral damage.

IF he thinks he can mess with my family, then he gets the Lioness treatment. Nobody wants a taste of that.

I would really love to contact his OW (claims they are done, yet he drinks where she drinks..can you believe THAT?!?!?!?) and see what the true story is, but frankly, if she did tell me (we think he gave her a totally bunk story too) the real deal, I'd have more agony and info on my plate. AAARRGGGHHHH!!!!

I have never in my life despised someone so much!!!

Thanks for letting me vent!

If your husband works with your friend's husband why doesn't he tell everyone that the scumbag is lying and that he is the cheater and not your friend. If you know who the OW is then let everyone know who she is as well. That is what I would do.

When my husband has ran into people or friends that bring it up, he sets the record straight. He also has a quiet determination to watch and wait while his lies and deceit catch up with him organically.

My husband is a good man, a strong man, and he truly believes that it is only a matter of time before this guy really messes up...again. He WILL hang himself with his own rope, but unfortunately, every workplace has politics and you really can't rock the boat too much, especially since nobody can afford to be out of a job in these times. Or any time for that matter.

He avoids my husband.

As for the OW...everyone knows who she is, including my friend. She tried to contact her, but she went right back to him and informed him that she tried to contact her.

My question remains:

Is my friendship doomed? I can't and won't be around him. It might be different if he really had genuine intentions.

Why not suggest that your friend come here to MB and let us help her directly?

She used to be.

Really? What was her username?