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I'd really rather not say. I am here because I assumed she found it beneficial. I don't mean any disrespect, I just don't feel it's my place, you know?
In your opinion and experience, do cheater's ever really change?
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In all sincerity, I am sure there are people who really need advice more than I do, but I am worried for her. I'll always worry. I do NOT trust him.
I don't mean to bog anyone down with this...and I wish everyone who is suffering through infidelities the very best of luck and hope.
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Why does your friend think they are in recovery? Has WH ended contact with OW? Is there verifyable no-contact? Have they started MC and re-building thier marriage?
I don't see how one can think they are in recovery if one of them is behaving like this. Something doesn't seem right. Lying about the BS in order to regain his own status is pretty low. Is he simply covering his tracks at work or do you KNOW that he is still in the affair?
If you KNOW for certain that your friend's husband is still in an affair, I think you have to tell her. That sample letter may be a good way to do so.
If you just want to inform your friend what the husband is saying, I think you need to do that too. Just as long as you are certain of these facts. A true friend takes the hard right over the easy wrong.
-SOL
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In your opinion and experience, do cheater's ever really change? Many do, if they begin to live life honesly and work these MB concepts. There are many "Former" cheaters on this site who can attest to that. Sadly though, far too many do not change.
-SOL
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No. I do not know if he is still in an affair, but my friend thinks there is no contact. I hope that is the case. However, he did tell people that she had the affair. That spread quickly.
She is my true friend, but I can't deal any more blows to her. How can you cheat on someone and then turn around and blame the betrayed? I just don't get it.
Keep in mind, the husband never told me or my husband that she was the one cheating, he told others. The ramifications of his carelessness extend everywhere.
Some people tell me to mind my own business and that all this will come back to harm us when we did nothing wrong but support a friend. I am void of tears, I am just so angry at this new betrayal.
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To answer your question more directly, we believe his lie was to protect himself, to not look bad.
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Sorry, but I'm finding this whole thread kind of strange. Maybe it's just me. I dunno.
You said your friend used to come here. Why did she stop?
Are you guys speaking?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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How can you cheat on someone and then turn around and blame the betrayed? I just don't get it. Unfortunately, this is the norm and not the exception. People who engage in dishonesty, deceit and betrayal do not wish to look at themselves in the mirror. Thus, to assuage their own cruelty and inhumane behavior, they attempt to rewrite history, painting everything white black, and vice-versa. Oh, there are some who are without conscience. They are called psychopaths or sociopaths. They simply have no remorse and no caring for the hurt they inflict on others. We see both types here every day.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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I don't want it to sound strange. My friend and I do speak sometimes. But it is not the same. I guess my problem is I know that her husband, probably in a panic spread information that she was the one conducting an affair. I know she wants her marriage to be strong. I want her to be happy. If that means with her spouse, that is good. HOWEVER...I don't trust him and I hate that other people think she was the cheater. She is a great woman. She truly is. I think eventually, it will all come out in the wash.
I wish I didn't have this info.
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I'd really rather not say. I am here because I assumed she found it beneficial. I don't mean any disrespect, I just don't feel it's my place, you know?
In your opinion and experience, do cheater's ever really change? People here are completely anonymous. The reason for asking what her user name is, is so a look at her posting could give a clue how to approach her. I understand your reluctance. Have you read her posts for clues? Larry
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This thread seems to ring very close to home for me too.
HopingforherSake, I will respect your confidentiality on here, but I think I know who your friend is.
If she is who I think it is, I am very troubled about the 'spin' at work from the WH. I do think that BW is working through recovery using the MB principles, to include verifyable No-Contact. I think she still 'lurks' but doesn't post much anymore.
If you don't want to answer this, that's OK, but is this guy a fitter by chance?
-SOL
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Hoping, your friend might not like what you have to say but you need to tell her. In the end she will thank you for it. My friends kept trying to tell me my H was having an affair and I didn't want to believe them and I was mad because they were right but not really at them but at myself. My friends were there for me the whole way and even though they wish I hadn't taken my H back they still support me and my decision. I guarantee that if they found out he was at it again they would not only tell me but they would make his life miserable.
BW-me 47yrs
WH-him 50yrs
married 24yrs, together 25 yrs,DD 25yrs, DD 22yrs(granddaughter born 3/14/2012).
D-Day#1 discovered cell phone calls 6/30/2009
D-Day#2 7/26/2009
Plan D 06/2012/WH served 8/17/12
WH left 7/25/2009/WH moved in with OW 7/29/2009
Trying to reconcile 12/30/2009/left 10/22/2010
2nd OW 8/2011? and living in Idaho.
"Dochas" Gaelic for hope which I have with me at all times because it is tattooed on my lower back.
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OK, then I was wrong about knowing who your friend is. The circumstances seemed to match very closely to my SIL who was on this site early on but now doesn't post much at all. She and her WH recently started recovery with MC and these principles and I know some of her friends were disappointed that she was trying to work things out with him.
They were of the mind that a leopard doesn't change it's spots. When you said "once a cheater always a cheater", it seemed to fit.
Regardless, I still agree with Traci and think you need to let her know in a kind, gentle way. A letter may be the best approach. What would you want your friends to do if the roles were reversed here?
-SOL
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I would want to know for sure. I can only speak on my own experience that I was on board with her decisions, but wary, just like anyone would be. It's just that at first, you might consider it gossip, but when an overwhelming amount of people claim the same, that is when my opinion radically changed.
I believe people can change. I do. I think I will tell her. Thankyou again for the encouragement. This is the turmoil affairs cause. At then end of the day, I hope she has real happiness because she deserves it.
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Just be ready for the firestorm and rejection.
Larry
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Well Larry...I think you hit it on the head. I called my friend to have a heart to heart. I explained that I know she has been trying to repair her marriage, but I couldn't rest with knowing that her husband had been spreading lies about her to his colleagues. I actually told her that is was understood that she was the one who had the affair and that it came from his mouth to several other's ears.
After all that, she told me that I was out to ruin her attempt at happiness in her marriage and she does not believe me.
So, I guess that is all you will be hearing from me, as I certainly got my answer. A fiery rejection.
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