Couple weeks ago amidst a fight.....wife said she's throwin in the towel and filing for divorce. I have a three month old son with her. And you might think I'm crazy after you read this, but I still love her very much.

We've been separated since July of last year. I would do something, she'd get pissed, and say very derogitory things to me. I would leave because I don't want to be treated that way. I also wouldn't respond to her calls for a day or so..I have a really bad temper and I have a flaw of saying things I don't mean. We decided to give counseling a shot. The counselor said I was being manipulative. My counselor says no you were setting boundaries of not wanting to be talked to like that. So we tried fixing it. Well I did anyway. About October I talked to her that I was getting emotionally exhausted putting 150% in this to make up for her 50% and I was considering divorce. She agreed to try harder. Well that was only good for one day. So I stuck it out for my son in hopes that things would get better. She has 3 kids with an ex hubby who lives 2 minutes away. Before we got married I made an agreement with her. I don't care if she and the ex take the kids out, but to be respectful, let me know ahead of time. She did that. For a while. Then I would find out things after it happened and ask about it, I got the "if you don't like it, there's the door."

The ex had lost his job in August. I had helped her pay for the other kids' Christmas presents. And I'm bustin my rear at my full time job and plowing snow...I would be up for 3 days straight at a time. There were times she would just hit me for no reason...I would ask why and I'd get "eh....I just felt like it."

I feel like she sabbotaged us. And I don't know why. Yes I would get angry when I felt like I was putting alot of myself in this and not getting a return on my investment. I used my vacation to rewire the attic...in the summer...sweating my rear off.....she treated the ex like he was the hero and I was the [censored]. He had no job and he would be over at OUR house while I was bustin my hump at work and plowing snow after.

She says my anger is what sunk us. But my anger is from feeling like I'm getting the $hit end of the stick.

Can anybody help me here?

Hmmm. Welcome to marriage builders. Sorry you are here

Let me think about this. I don't want to jump in and say something that shouldn't be said, yet. My first impression is that she needs to be here more than you.

Later.

larry

Larry..I tried everything to build us up.

My therapist gave me the "Love Dare" book..that didn't work. I even brought up if she did it too, what a solid marriage we would be building. Instead I got "well I haven't seen any good come from it, so I'm not doing it."

You can say whatever you want, maybe it needs to be said....

She doesn't want anything good to come of it. She is too busy having her cake and eating it too. Cake Eater! She has you to make money and her Ex to shower with affection.

Are you sure the child is yours?

Looks like she is an affair with her Ex. Hey, not a good situation for you. If it were me, I would kick her to the curb, but that is just me. I would also get a DNA test on the child. Unless you are so bonded that it wouldn't make a difference. Then, you fight every inch to get as much custody as you can, with joint custody as the least you will accept.

If you do decide to divorce, then keep it a secret until you have thoroughly protected yourself. Marriage is for love, divorce is for money. Don't forget that.

Larry

Onestep, I don't know how you can remain in a relationship where another person abuses you (physically or emotionally). Those relationships never have a good ending.

It sounds like she enjoys the power rush of manipulating you. You are very wise to acknowledge that your temper requires you to put distance between you both during a quarrel. I would be concerned that she may be trying to push you into a physical confrontation. Then she'd pretty much have your cajones on the chopping block.

I'd recommend that you continue to get counseling to help you maintain control of your temper, and how to stop reacting to her button pushing behaviour.

Larry, Ellen

Thanks for your responses. I have no doubt that he is my son. He looks nothing like the other kids at his age. He has the exact same eye shape as I do.

Its like when I would talk to my dad about things and he would give me that look of "you gotta be kidding me..you didn't put up with this from any of the other relationships you've had."

My temper is like this...I don't believe that there is any reason whatsoever to hit a woman. I do a pretty good job of keeping it together, but when its gone past my threshold...I have never hit my wife or been violent to her. I raise my voice and fight back, verbally only.

My counselor told me to do my absolute BEST to keep it together. He said she knows my buttons and she loves pushing them. Well there was this one night last summer...she went to go play volleyball and I decided to go take a walk around the park. She would NOT let up until I lost my temper. I did the whole "ok I'm sorry I hurt your feelings by not watching you play...." She followed me around the house yelling "I WANT A DIVORCE..GET THE @$CK OUT OF THE HOUSE AND GET THE **CK OUT OF MY LIFE.."


I really do believe that she likes being manipulative to me. Its not the first time someone's said that. I confronted her about the ex hanging around and she took me to the woodshed.

But hey you're right Larry....she had my money and she had him to be a companion...of sorts. I'd bring it up as your emotionally cheating on me...and she uses him as my replacement when I'm not allowed to come around...and there was hell to pay.

OSC22,

I don't believe you are abusive. What your wife is doing is emotional abuse to the core. She has you believing that you are some sort of monster.

Now, you need to protect yourself. First thing you need to do is get a voice activated recorder. Everytime you talk to your wife, have it going. Your wife is waiting for the smallest opening to slap a false DV charge on you.

Here's what can happen:
She files a TRO, in it, she requests that you pay all household expenses. Plus, you are kicked out of the house. The next day, she will move her ex husband in and you will have to pay for him to live there. Don't believe me? It happened to me.

Thanks PSUBIKER.

I never thought I abused her, even emotionally. For a while shortly after we were married, she thought about going back to her ex. She had me believing I was worthless. And ya know what..you tell someone their dumb, they will believe it after a while. I was having suicidal thoughts so that's when I started seeing my therapist. He worked with me about not letting her place the blame on me...and that's how it was. If I didn't wear a certain type of jeans...if I didn't bail out of bed at 5 am to go work on the house...there was talk of divorce.

I have been kicked out of the house since July. I moved back to my other house. After everything I still had to rent my house out and move in with my parents since the financial obligation falls on me. According to her. Its part of my "child support". Oh and that was another reason why I'm not good enough. Its because I can't support her and the three kids that aren't mine. They have a dad, let him support them. I have given up my two trucks, worked 15 hour days at my job for two weeks to pay for the property taxes on a house in which I don't live....boy the more and more I type this out, the more and more my eyes start to open up.

OSC, you might find it beneficial to read some of these:

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com
http://shrink4men.freeforums.org

Dr. T is quite the expert on women such as this.

She�s using you. She knows you are a good guy with a strong sense of duty. If they aren�t your kids, you have no obligation to support them. That�s what their bio-father is for. If he isn�t paying it, that�s not your problem. Does she work? How long have you been married?

Have you filed for divorce? It sounds like you need to do this. If she wants child support from you, let her file with the courts. She will only get it for the one kid. While she�s at it, she can file for spousal support. It sounds like what she�ll get is a lot less than what you are giving her right now.

She is emotionally battering you to get what she wants. She will continue to do this until you put a stop to it by stopping your enabling behavior. Remember, you have ZERO financial obligation to her kids. As for the bills, pay half just to be safe. She can pay the other half out of her own money and child support she�s supposed to receive. Is she receiving child support?

One more thing, go to your court's website and find the state child support calculator to get an idea of your obligation.

Thank you everyone for the websites and everything. She used the money I gave her back in April from my tax return to get a lawyer and file. The intended use for that money was to buy clothes and shoes for my step kids but I had a feeling she would do this.

And it was the best money I ever spent.

I was drinking alot. I am now 4 days dried out and I started doing things I used to enjoy that took a backseat to her worldly to do lists that I could never do in a fashion that made her happy.....so there was hell to pay.

I was still trying to reconcile the marriage...cuz I believe when you say your vows, you make a promise to God. But after some reevaluation of things...I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be abused.

I'm still pretty angry about everything. But instead of drinking I hit the gym. I used to be in real good shape until I became the slave to her every whim.

Thanks PSUBIKER for the shrink for men website. She is a flamin borderline. At least I can find some closure about that. The part that sucks is, she's oblivious to the damage and destruction she did to our marriage. Its almost like she doesn't give a rip. She built me up just to tear us down. There's times when the thirst for vengeance overwhelms me but in the bible God has promised to even the score for me.

She has started a new grand life. Going back to school to be an LPN, gonna use her financial aid to get a new set of boobs and tummy tuck, and her "feel good church" has assured her that she can screw over anyone she wants and all's forgiven. Winner takes all. I told a friend of mine that I can't wait to see her fall. He told me that its not about her falling, its a matter of me working to succeed. And ya know what. He's absolutely right.