Please help, I am at wits end and absolutely terrified. I tried finding past posts that could help answer my question(s) but couldn't find anything that quite relates to what I am going through to do so.

My H and I have been married almost 20 years now and we have two teenage daughters. For the most part, our marriage has always been very strong, solid and secure (a fairy-tale romance, if you will). As wonderful as our marriage was, though, it is now steadily going downhill and I am unsure of what to do about it.

I don't really know how to explain everything but I'll do my best.

Up until sometime in 2006 our marriage seemed to be virtually perfect; we always hugged, kissed, said "I love you" to one another, etc. However, during that year I noticed H being much less attentitive to me and the children; coming home late from work, going out with friends every night (without inviting me), making secretive phone calls and so on. His absense from the household really began to take its toll not just on me but the children as well. Assuming he was going through a "mid-life" crisis, and to keep from going completely out of my mind, I began working online doing odd marketing type jobs and some freelance writing as well. Granted, the hours I worked were long and the money I made was little (less then $3000 in a year) but at least it was "something" I felt I could contribute to the household.

Unfortunately, my working online "backfired" and instead of making things better for us...it made things worse. You see, my working online for so many hours, day and night, eventually became a "reason" for my H to believe I was having an affair (online, presumably) when in fact I was only trying to make some additional income for the family. However, instead of bringing his concerns to my attention right away (when I could have assured him that nothing was going on), he kept them bottled up for the past few years and he has now grown to resent me for this affair that never even took place. I have never, ever cheated on him (in any way, shape or form) nor have I ever even considered it. Wow, to say I am dead set against cheating doesn't even come close to really saying how dead set against it I am. Cheating is the one thing I have never done, nor would EVER do, to anyone...EVER!!!

Anyway, because of this supposed affair, my marriage is now in shambles; H now no longer loves me, no longer trusts me and no longer wants to remain married and, to make matters worse, his wanting out is all on account of something that never even happened. "This" is what is destroying me inside. I could totally understand his wanting to call it quits if an affair really did take place (heck, I've even be in complete agreement with him) but for us to throw away everything we've built together as a couple based on nothing more than a fabrication is far to difficult for me to even comprehend.

So, what do I do now? Do I just take it all in stride and let a perfectly great marriage go down the tubes because of something that never happened or do I try and fight to salvage what we once had? I have tried talking to him about it already but to try and convince him I didn't have an affair when his mind is already made up about it is not the easiest thing to do and, well, let's just say that I am getting tired of trying. As much as I love my H, I need to consider myself, too, and right now I feel like I'm fighting a winless battle.

Sorry if I sound a little mumbled, I am just so beside myself over all of this that nothing no longer even seems to make sense. An affair? Me??? NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!! Ugh, just to have him "think" I did is enough to kill me! I married this man because of my undying love for him and my sincere devotion to him and, yet, here he actually thinks I cheated on him. Nope, never happened, never would. My husband, my best friend, my soulmate...the one person I would die for in the blink of an eye, stand up for in time of need, be there for 100% of the time...resents me...all based on nothing more than a vivid imagination.

Where do I go from here?

I really think your husband had an affair during that time, and may still be having it. The time you spend online for your business is a convenient scapegoat for whatever distance and troubles have been created in the marriage.

It is easier for waywards to attack than to defend. Attacking just requires a small bit of truth to be stretched out of proportion, plus a lot of bluster...it covers their own tracks very well. Defense on the other hand requires a moral high ground, which waywards don't have.

My best advice is to start snooping...go through his browsing histories, phone logs, chat logs, and credit card statements...see what turns up. You'll also probably want to click 'notify' and ask the moderators to move this thread to the 'surviving an affair' board, where you can get much better help for your situation.

ok, I smell great big ole rat here just like bitbucket and think your H is using this as a cover to leave the marriage for an affair. Lets say you WERE having an online affair and neglected him for years.

The solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around, not to cut and run. But he is not interested in solving the problem for some odd reason. This is what Dr. Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders who has specialized in adultery for 35 years says:


So, I would strongly suggest you do some serious snooping first and RULE OUT an affair before you go forward. Hire a PI or put a GPS on his car, a keylogger on his computer, tapr your phone, etc. Find out what he is doing and saying and to WHOM first. Find out and then come back here and tell us what you find.

and DON'T ask him

As much as you want to trust your spouse and believe you can straight out ask him and either get the truth or glean the truth from his reaction asking him will only tip him off and make him more careful.

SNOOP carefully

Mr. Wondering

TandC,

Sorry you find yourself in this situation. The good news is, you're in the perfect place. There is so much information here to assit you with what comes next.

Reading your side of things, it sounds like your husband may have had an affair and may still be having one.

2 of our vetereans have advised you to snoop and to not confront directly. You should listen. These folks knwo what they are talking about.

Also, you probably should click "Notify" and ask the moderators to move this thread to the "Surviving an Affair" (SAA) Room.

Thank you all very much for your insight and advice, I sincerely do appreciate it. I am, however, still lost and, unfortunately, even moreso now than I was yesterday.

Can anyone tell me "how" to actually go about this snooping business? I mean, I do know how to check computer histories (that's easy enough) but, as for all the other stuff (GPS on vehicle, bugging the phone, keylogging, PI etc) I have NO money to go and do any of this so I feel like I am at a complete standstill (when I say no money, I mean "NO" money).

Oh, and we don't own credit cards so I can't check statements for those and he has a pre-paid cell phone so no statements show up for me to snoop through on those either. To top it all off, when we first bought our house (about 9 years ago) we put it in HIS parents' name because our credit wasn't that great and they helped us with the downpayment. Although we (my H and I) do pay the mortgage on the house there is NOTHING anywhere that actually proves that we do, so, if H decides to boot me out or something like that, what are my options? I know for FACT that his parents' will side with him (no matter what) because he is their "baby" and always will be (they would rather see me on the street then their baby, I guarantee it). Granted, the in-laws and I have always gotten along fabulously and I love them wholeheartedly but, over the past few months, I have reason to believe he has been turning them against me (his phone calls to them, or vice-versa, are always now done with secrecy) and now I am scared to death. I have wracked my brain trying to answer all the "what's" and "why's" but, needless to say, I haven't come up with any answers.

In addition, our teen daughters are aware of what is going on and they are now losing trust in their father, too. However, I still talk kindly about him at all times (regardless of whom I'm talking to) because I've never been one to talk "smack" about anyone as it is just not my style.

I feel like such a fool! It was only a few weeks ago that he assured me everything between us was GREAT and that he did, indeed, love me and would never let me go. We enjoyed each other's company (or so I thought) and we made love whenever he expressed any desire to do so. Now, however, I feel as though I have been...well, raped, to be honest with you. When we made love I was under the impression that there "was" love there but, as it turns out, he simply wanted to...get his rocks off? I was a virgin when we met and he is the only man I have ever been with and I used to love being passionate with him but now that he claims "he is no longer in love with me" passion with him (for me) would now just feel...dirty. Granted, he no longer shows any interest in me anyways so I guess I shouldn't worry to much about the "making love" part for now.

Anyway, I am devastated and feel totally alone. Although I've still been keeping up with my normal day-to-day activities (housecleaning, cooking, helping kids with homework, freelance writing, etc) I have also been spending much time shedding tears and, of all things, vomiting almost endlessly (to say I've lost my appetite is nothing short of the truth). I no longer know what to do when I wake up each morning and feel more like a robot "doing the routine" then like an actual human being. I hate this and don't know how much more I can take. The thing that hurts the most, of course, is knowing in my heart I did nothing to deserve this pain. Am I perfect? No! But, I am a darned good wife, mother, friend, etc...so...why?

Oh, and I don't know if this important or not but, H does spend ALOT of time on Facebook talking to some OW. I haven't really been the snoopy type so I haven't really snooped but, hence, my children took it upon themselves to do so and they did find he was chatting with some OW in ways that most married men would not chat (hey sweetie, miss you soooooooooo much, love you, wish you lived closer and so forth). Harmless or not, I don't know, but I find it wrong all the same. Am I wrong to think this way?

That does NOT sound like harmless chatting to me. I am so sorry.

Snooping is easy.

First, you get a voice activated digital recorder. You can get one for $20 at Best Buy. Put it in his car under the seat.

Second, do "screen shots" when you can of the facebook. Make sure to check out her facebook page.

Aside from snooping, you need to start protecting yourself financially. Get copies of all the checks to the mortgage company. Make copies of all the tax returns and keep them. Open a safety deposit box at a bank or branch you don't use as a couple, keep those there. Also, either keep some cash in the box or open a checking account that is only in your name. Have the statement sent online or to a post office box. Try to save some money so that if your H suddenly decides to separate and leave you high and dry, you have enough to eat.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully, your worst fears won't be realized.

Like ChrisNoVA suggested, click "notify" and ask the mods to move your thread to the SAA forum.

I'm sorry to tell you this but I strongly smell at least one affair.

Get the book (at the library or online) Surviving an Affair.

The best chance you have to save your marriage is to get evidence of the affair, expose it and work to rebuild your relationship.

The vets on the SAA board here can help you every step of the way.

Wow, you are all so wonderful and I can't tell you how glad I am I found this place. Honestly, if I didn't, I'm not so sure if I'd even still be here today (as much as I hate to say it, yes, I'm "that" close to falling apart but, with two super kids to think about, "that" option NEEDS to be pushed aside).

Thank you, everyone, for all the advice you have been giving me. I have now started with the snooping and, sure enough, have found some evidence that has helped confirm my suspicions. I know if I mention it to H he will say "we're just friends" but, with the screenshots I got of their conversations...uhm, NO WAY! Not to mention I checked his cell phone records and found that he had called this OW 37 times yesterday (yes, "37" times) in the midst of just a few short hours (and DURING his working time, none the less). Funny how he can manage all these phone calls to her during his work day but yet tells me he can't call me during his work day even once because he just doesn't have the time.

Oh, and is if this isn't bad enough I also have found out he has been badmouthing me (telling lies about me) behind my back. "I come home to a messy house, she doesn't do the dishes, never has dinner ready when I get home," etc. All, of course, are lies. I work DARN HARD to keep up with the housework and rarely ever do I fall behind in my schedule. Almost always, all the housework is done by the time he steps in the door. However, if it is not, (which is hardly ever), it's only because I am a freelance writer and I have to make some time to keep up with my work, too. I stick to a pretty strict schedule because I like to be available to my H when he gets home, even if it just means sitting down with him while he watches TV (or whatever else it is he so desires to do).

Anyway, that is my update for now but I am sure I will have more soon and I will post so when I do.

Oh, and yes, I will click "notify" and ask the mods to move my thread to the SAA forum (no more keeping my head in the sand).

Again, thank you for all of your help.

Okay, now that you have PROOF of OW, do you have details? Who is she? How does your WH know her?

BTW, sorry you are here on SAA forum. This is a great place for advice in your sitch.

Thank you for your response, Scotland.

Yes, I did figure out who the OW is and I did dig up a little information about her. Granted, not near as much as I would like to have but, still, better than nothing, I guess.

I do know that H met this OW through Facebook (she's from Conneticut), adding her first as a friend (sometime in the last eight months, I believe). From the messages I was able to find that took place between them (he almost always deletes everything before I get a chance to snoop so not always much to read) their conversations definitely do seem..."over the top", if just "friends."

"I love you baby."

"Miss you sooooooooooo much, wish you lived closer."

"I get so excited when I talk to you, I can't even explain."

"Hey, where are you, my Juliet? Miss and love you, baby. xoxoxox"

By all means, those are just a very small portion of their conversations but I think you get my drift. And yes, H calls this OW his "Juliet."

From what I know, this OW is fifty years of age (my H is 45) and a mother to what looks to me to be a teenage daughter. As for being married (or in a relationship with a significant other), I cannot find anything to support this so I do believe that she is single.

Oh, and get this (this blows me away COMPLETELY). According to the OW's personal information on Facebook she is a devout Christian who's favorite book is the Bible. Okay, nothing wrong with that, except...my H is TOTALLY against anything to do with God, Heaven, afterlife, etc (and I mean totally). Wow, I just mention God in this house and he gets majorally annoyed with me. Yes, I myself believe in God and all of "that" stuff (bigtime) but, sheesh, if I so much as utter a word about it around my H he makes me out to be some kind of a headcase. Hah, he won't even let me have a Bible even though he knows how much my heart is set on having one.

I think what hurts the most right now is the fact that, because we don't have alot of money, we do have to live paycheck to paycheck and be really tight with our budget. However, that in itself I can deal with (many folks do); what I cannot deal with, though, is H spending money "here, there and everywhere" on things he does not need (behind my back) which often results in the kids' going to bed hungry. I can't tell you how many times we've had no food in the house but, instead of using our last few dollars to buy some groceries, H has taken those last few dollars to head out with his buddies for coffee and donuts (or whatever else there may be) for himself. Far too many times for me to count and, from what I get from the kids, they feel completely and utterly neglected by their own father. Yes, they have tried talking to him about how they feel but, whenever they do, he just brushes them off with a "not now, I'm busy" kind of a deal and puts an immediate end to any further discussion.

Wow, to say I am in complete shock over how he treats me (and the kids much of the time, too) is not even funny. I just can't figure him out nor what it is he seems to want. Oh, I've asked him (always nicely) but his answer is always the same..."I don't know. I don't want to talk about it right now." If he won't open up and tell me how am I to figure it out? Could it be that he is seeking something out of life that purely doesn't even exist?? I know that might sound crazy but, to be honest with you, he already has it so darned good (better than most have it, I would say). No, we don't have alot in the finance department but, aside from that, he has everything pretty much anyone could ever want; a home, fabulous kids, a great wife (I have a heart of gold, I take good care of the house, kids and H, I have a great sense of humor, I'm super honest, kind and respectable and, in the looks department, [but not to sound conceited] I am considered "drop dead gorgeous") and he gets oodles of love from all of us all of the time. Granted, it's hard to show affection now when he doesn't care to return it but, being me, I continue to be my kind and loving self even in regard of. Sure, it feels "strained" and almost...unnatural now but, even so, I'll be darned if I'll allow him to get under my skin (I'm not the argumentive type so I do whatever I can to avoid arguing) and make me out to be something I'm not.

Sometimes, I cannot help but wonder if he is actually jealous of me. As strange as that might sound, I really can't help but think it sometimes. I get along with everyone (and I do mean EVERYONE) while he loses friends more easily. In addition, my family and I are very close while he (although close to his parents) rarely even associates with his siblings. For whatever reason, people simply connect with me far more then they do with him. Could this be why he badmouths me behind my back (putting me down and telling lies about me)? In otherwords, saying cruel things about me to make me look bad in hopes of making himself look better to everone else.

Sooooo confused and no clue what to do next!

I would do a facebook exposure to OW and tell her if she was such a devout Christian, she shouldn't be having an affair with your husband and copy all her friends. See if you can find some church she belongs to so you can expose there. See if you can find some of her family as well.

DO NOT let your husband know HOW you know he's having an affair.
Do NOT reveal your sources.
Be sure to make copies of the cellphone records (how'd you find those, if it's a pre-paid?).
Make copies of his FB conversations w/her.

Re-read what GreenGables said and make copies of critical financial information.

Read about Plan A and implement it.

Start making a list of people you are going to expose this affair to. DO NOT TELL YOUR H you are going to do this!!!

Notes on exposure:
--Exposure targets
Anyone with influence over your WS or the marriage. WS' parents, siblings, best friend, children if they're over 4. OP's siblings, parents, spouse. Your priest or similar if you're religious. Their employer if they work together. Work exposure should be done *in writing* to the head of HR, the CEO, and WS' boss. All of them should know the others were copied; this makes it harder for them to toss the letter into the trash and forget about it.

--Exposure message
Use a formal letter for work exposure. Everything else is short and sweet: "OP and WS are having an affair. I love WS and I am committed to doing whatever it takes to repair our marriage and make it better than ever. I'd appreciate any advice you might have." The exposure message is not vengeful; it is a message of love.

--No warning
Do NOT threaten to expose, do not tell WS you're going to expose. Just do it. If WS has advance warning, they will tell their friends and family "We are having trouble in our marriage. BS is controlling and angry. BS won't talk to me, won't listen to me. BS is possessive and jealous, and accuses me of insane things. Sometimes I'm scared for my physical well-being, (s(s))he's changed that much. Thank goodness I have friends to talk to, otherwise I don't think I could bear the abuse. OP has been especially helpful in offering insights into how a member of the opposite sex would see things. I just hope we can make it but I'm not sure we can." How do you think your exposure is going to sound after an oscar winning performance like that?

--Exposure after-effects
Your WS is going to be furious. You will hear predictable things like "I can never trust you again. I was going to dump OP and reconcile but you've blown any chance of that. I hate you. I'm filing for D." Don't EVEN pay attention to this stuff. Your WS is just angry because the super-fun super-secret affair is suddenly looking downright tawdry and the fun is turning into a nightmare. Just ignore most of it. If your WS tries to talk about divorce, say "I don't do divorce, I do marriage." Then change the subject. If your WS tries to pick a fight, tell them you'd very much like to discuss things when you can both be calm and rational, and leave the room if you have to. If she says things like "How could you do this?!" tell her you'll do whatever it takes to save your marriage.

Also, click on "Basic Concepts" at the top of the page and read through them.

Also read this Artcile (available if you click "Articles" at the top of the page) on How to Survive Infidelity

I'm also curious to know how you got records from a pre-paid cell phone - would be great to know!
Also, how did you get FB screenshots? Do you have keylogger software or is there another trick that we all could use?

Thanks!

Also, his outrageous claims about you having an affair? You can nip that right in the bud by volunteering to take a polygraph. He's definitely projecting his own guilt onto you.

This is known as 'affairing down' and I'm told it's common. For example, my wife also had an EA mostly of Facebook (we're recovering) with an old classmate from high school. This POS is sooo opposite of what she would normally be attracted to it's not funny. A few examples - he smokes; she HATES cigarette smoke and is disgusted by people who smoke. He's fat and sloppy; she's very aware of appearance, and we both have been careful to stay in shape and are always neatly groomed. He's a very liberal socialist who believes the government should do and control everything; we are both fairly conservative in our political views. In fact, one time he posted something on his FB page that was extremely nasty and critical of a TV political commentator that my wife happens to adore. It was amusing to witness their 'spat' on FB regarding this (I used a keylogger that took screenshots, so I got to see a lot of their little chats). He is also pretty worthless financially - lousy, low paying job; financial support is one of her top ENs.

You have to remember - waywards become aliens.