hi larry

yes i did all the exposure bit at the beginning but to no avail, all they did was boasted and said they had nothing to be ashamed of, the company they work for said as they had no evidence that it affected there jobs, there was nothing they could do or say

Hi Where,

I am so glad to hear from you. I was just wondering this morning what was happening with you. It is now time for Plan B. It is obvious that he is allowing you to meet some of his ENs while he has OW meeting others. The purpose of Plan B is to remove yourself from the pain of his A and preserve your love for him while showing him what life will be like without you meeting his ONs.

There are many excellent Plan B letters on the forum and I will put a call out for the vets to help you in composing one. You nned to let him know that as much as you love him, you will not be part of arelationship that includes three people. Then you spell out the way home. It is not easy, where but we will help you through it. There are many on here who are in Plan B now. Scotty is one.

You can do this!!!!

God's Blessings,

Say

thanks say

i am so scared that i will lose him completely and i do believe him when he says, he cant survive without me being part of his life, i have tried as i said to go dark but he just keeps coming round at the door, do you think he really believes i am his best friend - he has said how can he come back when he does not know if its right, and what will people think of him etc, he dont want to hurt anyone anymore, he misses his house,garden,etc etc

Tell him point blank that it hurts you too much to be a part of this three way relationship and that you have to remove yourself from it. Do it in a kind and loving way. If he responds that he would like to come home, tell him that you do not care what anyone thinks about him coming home. The only thing that matters is the two of you but he must terninate his A with OW by writing her a NC (no contact letter) which you approve and mail. If he is unwilling to do that, you give him the Plan b letter and remove yourself from the situation.

HE WILL DO THIS AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW HIM TO!!!!!

God's Blessings,

Say

i cant for the life of me think what EN she is giving him, they speak a few times a day and only meet 2 or three nights a week - i know this as a definite fact - i know she is a very strong willed woman and has been on her own for 16 years, should i tell her that i am still very much on the scene, i have his phone recordsor would i be lowering myself ?

She does not care. I believe it would be a waste of your time and hurtful to you. She has even made it clear to your WH that she does not want a real relationship just a few nights a week.

ENs? How bout SF, Where? Something keeps him going back to her. He had a recent opportunity to put the A behind him but insread, he agreed to her terms in order to continue it. He may think that you are his best friend because you are filling ENs that she has no desire to fill thus, he needs both of you. Do not allow him to have both.

God's Blessings,

Say

Ouch!

Plan B?

Larry

What needs she's filling are immaterial right now. She just obviously IS filling some of them. You can work with your WH on his needs when the two of you are back together and rebuilding your M. And I do think that will happen, based on the 54 calls and the voice mails while you were unavailable.

wherenext, I'd suggest you go dark. Explain to him that you can't continue the burden of sharing him with another woman. Tell him that it is in your best interest to protect your heart by not having further contact with him while he is conducting an A.

I think a Plan B letter is in order at this point. I wouldn't discuss it in person. I think it would devolve into a discussion that will get you nowhere - he'll be negotiating to keep both of you in the picture, and that won't do.

How bout SF, Where?

sorry say, this is new to me, please would you tell me what it means.....

Where have you read all of the information available for free on this site. SF is sexual satisfaction and it iincluded in the emotional needs section of basisc concepts. Marital Bliss is correct, it does not matter what ENs OW is fullfilling. Your wh's actions show that she is fullfilling some.

You have been caught up in this insanity for months now, Where. What you are doing is not working. Are you ready to pay attention to Dr Harley's plan to recover from adultery and accept the advice of those who have followed the plan successfully?

Where is just my use of your screen name. Sorry for that confusion.

God's Blessings,

Say

ha ha, thanks for that say, just my pure lack of reasoning that i didnt spot the reference, thank you

yes i am now willing to accept any advice, i shall look carefully at plan b and going dark

are the letters marital talks about available

thank you all so much, i know i am a fool

i have had a few text messages in the last few minutes, telling me he is ironing etc, and to please not get into a strop but she is going to the flat tomorrow eve to see him,but he will be in touch as soon as she has left ??????

Yes, read all the material on this site...in posts...other's advice...and especially the articles.

A big part of Plan A that gets ignored sometimes is negotiating a return to the M without the OP. Have you said point blank to him what you want? Something like..."I want to stay M to you, I want you to move back home, and I want OW out of our lives together, no more contact with her..." If you don't say that, then WS don't have a clear path home during Plan B.

I would start working on your Plan B letter. Please read everything you can about it. Set up an IM. But make sure you have said what you want from him at LEAST a couple of times in the next few days before you give him the letter.

Once you give him the letter there is NO MORE contact with him until he agrees to reconcile the M with you WITHOUT OW.

And over the next few days Plan A like crazy....

I would start your Plan B when it would be most effective...on a Monday or during the week when he is the loneliest.

a really stupid question to ask because i think i know yours answers

if she is only meeting his sex needs, should i try to encourage him towards me in that area - he has never spken about or tried anything like it ????????

If you are in Plan B then you cut yourself off completely.

It's like he's addicted to her and you. He's cake eating - he has his cake and eats it too. So take yourself out of the equation. He will soon see what needs you did fill, what needs she can't or ever will (which we know she doesn't want to fill all of them).

And it's going to drive you crazy trying to figure out what needs she is meeting for him (I know it has for me).

Don't distract yourself by speculating what ENs she is fulfilling. Your mission is to remove the ENs YOU are fulfilling. I suspect you are filling the majority of his needs. He will miss that when you go dark, and the few needs she is fulfilling will far short.

OTOH if you're in Plan A, then yes meet his SF needs but wear protection. Insist on it.

I would try this first but you are deffinately ready for Plan B IMHO. You have progressed to Plan doormat and it is time for him to face life without you. The 56 missed calls while you were out Saturday shows a bizzare dependency on you to be there for him while he boinks OW whenever she is available and on her terms.

God's Blessings,

Say

Don't go away, Where!!! Without the coaching and support of the people on this forum, your WH will gaslight you to death. Please try to save your M.

God's Blessings,

Say

i am not going anywhere, say

its just the time difference between the US and the UK means when i am off to bed, its only mid morning for you lol.

i have had the normal 3/4 calls with general chit chat, am i ok,did i remember the she is going to the flat tonight and please dont be upset ?????
also he spoke to his brother last night and said he does not know what is going to happen in the future, his head does not know but he and her are taking it slow and if it gets serious so be it or if he decides to come home so be it, he just dont know and that i keep asking questions that he cant answer ??
he has just text again asking what i am doing, then called and said i will ring you just before SHE is due to arrive, he normally callss her by name but last few times he has called her she ???

That is why you need to go into a very dark Plan B. You need to make the decision for him. You have pretty much given him your blessing on this A. You help him to fascillitate it so that OW will not be inconvenienced or uncomfortable by having you show up. Are you going to sit around fullfilling all of the needs that OW is unwilling or unable to fullfill until she decides that maybe she will try and then he dumps you???? Value yourself more than that.

Plan B is the only chance that you or your M has.

God's Blessings,

Say