Great advice as usual mark!

Thank you Mark, I love reading what you type. If you can't tell, I'm a little hard headed.

I have gone back and re-read EN's and the questionnaire among other things, and again I have a renewed spirit. I feel like I have been the only one working on our marriage for the past 18 months the best way that I knew how to (prior to knowing of the MB concept). It been a roller coaster. I would try and be the best husband and try to attend to her needs for weeks at times until I would just be fed up with all the rejections. So then I would withdrawl and wait....until something got in my head and I would have re-newed spirit....etc...

Question:
How far should one go with affection if it is unwanted? I will try and touch W on the shoulder, sit next to her on the couch, and other gentle touches. She does not like it, she will pull away if she can. I am hoping that repetition will slowly bring comfort back. Is this the wrong approach?

Read schoolbus's thread on body language is great...I'd read up on that.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1926030#Post1926030

NW- Remember, you were very challenged to actually 'work on the marriage' during the 12 plus months you were away. Sure, there was little things you could say or do but it is not easy while you are deployed.

As far as the touching....my WW is the same way. Adamantly refuses to let me even touch her slightly. Schoolbus' thread is very good. I'm not sure if I read this there or somewhere else, but the refusing to be touched may be a sub-conscious way of showing that she actually DOES want to be touched, but wants you to CHASE her, so to speak. Something to think about, but tread lightly there and go slow.

Very challenging indeed! I did have access to email everyday so that was our main means of communication. For every five emails I would send her I would only get one in return. Hardly anything in the mail at all. I sent her a "loveletter" once, I felt like I really opened my heart up to her. I didn't ask for anything from her in the note, just explained my love for her. Weeks passed with no response from her, so I called her to see of she got it. Her response was "Oh yeah, I read it......", silence. To be totally ignored like that after laying it all out there was very painful.

I have been thinking alot about being a doormat. I can probably say that I have been this way for most if not all of our marriage. Other than meeting her EN's and avoiding LBs, this is my main focus. This may be a tough ballancing act for me. I have always had an accomodating personality, putting the needs of others before my own. I think that she sees this part of my personality as a weakness.

Thanks for the link, very good insight.

now_what,

I know exactly how you are feeling right now--the confusion, the hurt, the desperation, the fear of "rocking the boat"--I was there back in 2006-7. PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS:

1. There is a 99.9% chance that your wife is in an ongoing-affair.
2. The 'carrot' of Plan A is fine but it will have little effect as long as the affair continues.
3. THE AFFAIR MUST END first. That means the 'stick'. The stick is cutting off all financial support for the affair and (most of all) RAPID & SIMULTANEOUS EXPOSURE.
4. Find out all you can quickly (hire a PI!), esp. about the OM.
5. Your exposure should include WW's contacts but MUST INCLUDE OM's targets (his wife, family, job, etc.)
6. WW's are almost always highly emotionally-addicted & self-entitled. They very rarely leave the OM voluntarily. Your best hope is that your exposure threatens something the OM values (his career, marriage, etc.) more than WW, or at least makes the affair "not worth the hassle" to him. You need the OM to dump WW!
7. Only AFTER the affair ends with complete NC, and she goes through withdrawal, can recovery start to take place.

You are are looking at a long and daunting road here with no guarantee of success. I'm sorry. If this is not the 1st time she has been unfaithful, you may want to consider Plan D and start protecting yourself legally.

My gut is telling me there is an A. I have noticed that I have doubts after talking to her. Maybe I'm drinking her Kool-Aid.

I have a DAR and a GPS both stashed in her car. No results as of yet. I'm really curious to listen to the audio tonight because it is her first day back to work after spring break. The GPS battery must have died as I can't get a signal all day.

Nothing from checking her yahoo, even going back to the emails while I was deployed. I suspect that the A went underground after I found the "gift". If the A is with whom I suspect then I would imagine that it would send a shockwave at her work.

As for a PI, I am leerie here. I would need most of the work done at her work. She works at a place that looks very unkindly to stangers being around. If I get evidence then I may pursue a PI for the OM.

Thanks for insight..

If you have a VAR and a GPS, you will get results.

Please check back in with us tonight.

I wish my GPS had power today. When I checked the VAR, it had 3 hours ans 17 min of audio. I got super excited as her round trip is 2hrs.

Turns out that about and hour of the audio was just background noise, but I can say the she went somewhere during her day. It's suspicious because I'm pretty sure that she brought her lunch. Having the GPS together with the audio would have answered alot, trying again tomorrow...etc...

She is going to a class this saturday (fairly uncommon) and I am thinking about putting the VAR in a side pocket of her purse. Has anyone tried this and gotten any good audio? I know it may be risky, but she never keeps anything in those pockets and the VAR is pretty small.

I am also considering emailing a co-worker and asking if she has anything that could help me. This woman was with her on a 3 day buiness trip (the suspect OM was also), a week later we had our D talk. I'm hesitant because I have never talked or met this woman and I really don't know their relationship. I may be able to play the gossip/help me save my marriage card. The problem is that this might blow up in my face, but I'm almost to the point that it wouldn't matter.

I urge you to be patient. Let the GPS do its job.

Is the recorder voice activated? Seems like you should have heard something.

Will do.

I decided to start sleeping in my bed a couple of nights ago and the sleep was glorious! Last night she tells me that she is going to sleep in the other room on the air mattress. I asked her why and her responce was that she gets too hot and can't sleep as well. Nothing about sharing a bed w/me.

Should I interperate that any way? I feel like I analyzing every interaction with her and it's driving me crazy empowering her like that!!

Good job on reclaiming your bed. Let her sleep on the air mattress.

Hopefully your snooping will pay off.

What's with the "Hopefully" talk now?

LOL!!! You got me there!!!

Please take careful notes of how they work, where you installed them, etc. Lots of people are interested in them.

The VAR I installed inside the center console of her car. The console doesn't extend all the way to the firewall so I put it there, pretty much by the gas pedal.

I get mostly road and radio noise, I don't know if there is a way around this. When she talks I can hear her pretty clearly. I do want to put a microphone on it and run the wire somewhere closer to the business end.

The GPS is pretty awesome I must say. I installed it in the trunk out of sight by the speakers. I was curious if it would work w/o direct exposure to the sky...and it does.

It came with mounting hardware which is useful but in my case I had to play with it a little. I ended up using zip-ties instead of screwing it into the car itself. The drawback is that the zip-ties prevented the "locator" from snapping all the way into the mount. This was fixed with elctrical tape.

It is battery (rechargeable) powered but it comes with wiring to hard wire the power to the car's wiring harness. Otherwise, you need to plug it into a wall charger (included). I plan on doing this but it may take some time. It will end up being a late night endeavor.

I have the GPS set up to send me a text and email whenever the car leaves a 250yds radius from a "Safezone". Right now my safezones are home and work. Once the safezone is left I log on and watch.

Drawback: Sometimes the locator stops thinking and doesn't update the location. This is fixed by logging out and back in. That caused quite a moment for me before I figured out what was going on. There is a monthly fee of around $17.

I would highly recommend the GPS if you can swing it.

Oh, that is interesting! Can you transfer that post to Spying101?

Do you mind me asking how much the GPS was?

The DAR and GPS gave me alot of info today and I am 100% sure she is Wayward. I'm so scared right now.

I want to confront her but the audio isn't great, I can only hear thier voices. I can hear them talking in the back ground of another car in a parking garage (thank you GPS.

I think I will do a little PI work of my own at the garrage tommorrow.

Please help me calm down!!

So sorry to hear that!

But it is very common that the WS has a hard time with no contact.

PLEASE stay here and post, and don't expose your source.

I hope not to expose my source at all.

Here's the news.

She wore a skirt today, very unusual.

She left work around 3:30.

Her car wa parked in a parking garage for about 45min, I need to double check the audio for the timeline. The audio confirm she got in her car and made a stop.

There were 4 hours of audio from today alone. about and hour again was misc back ground noise.

I can hear voices in the background which are hers and another man. It sounds like they are in a car next to WW. I can hear moaning and kissing.

The OM sounds black, this is not a rascist observation. The previous OM who gave her the CD gift was black.

When she got home she changed right away. I checked skirt and there is a "stain" where she would be sitting and it was wet. I couldn't find any panties that were wet in the pile of clothes on the floor.

Later when I was putting the boy to bed she walked by into our room w/something in her hand. After the boy was in bed I check the laundry pile...nothing new. I checker her hamper (she never puts her clothes in there), I found a pair of sexy panties with a stain. I suspect she had them in her purse.

I had a talk with her about us afterwards. I just wanted her to know that I feel horrible for pushing her away over the years. That I felt it was my fault for our marriage being over. She said that it wasn't all my fault....put her cigarette out and just sat there.

This is abnormal as she is quick to walk inside after her smoke.

Me: What are you doing?
WW: Well do you want to talk more?
Me: No, I've said enough.

She walked inside. I laid the guilt trip on her and I think she was expecting more drama from me.

Anyway, I'm very emotionaly upset right now. Part of me feel sreleif becaue I felt that the only way to save my marriage was if there was an affair. Am I crazy?

I really like the idea of going to the parking garrage and seeing if I can get solid picture evidence. I think I need more for it to stick.

Thanks for any support you can give tonight, I have a feeling that it's going to be a long one behind this cpu.

Breathe dude. You knew deep down inside, you just didn't want to accept that she would do this. You thought she was a little different than the others you read about. The thing you got to keep in mind is she isn't your wife right now. She is the alien. And all the aliens think and act the same. They read out of the same playbook.

Be James Bond and stay calm, cool, and collected. You are a decorated combat vet. You are stronger than your fear. You WILL get through this situation and you WILL be OK- with her or without. Nothing is going to change overnight.

Call me if you need to.

Now, don't be reactive. Think this through and post your thoughts/ideas on here for some of these other 'vets' to help you work out your plan.