<BR>I just want to know if it is hopeless to wait and hope that my ex and I will get back together. I was the one who cheated and I didn't want the divorce. I miss him so much and want to remarry.

Hi, HT. Didn't want you to feel ignored just 'cause it's the weekend (always slow!). <P>My SIL and BIL were married several years when she had an affair. They divorced with a lot of hurt and anger between them. During that time, they each went their separate ways, had several relationships and grew as individuals. They ran into each other about 5 years later and began to talk and go out. The next year, they remarried. Now they say that's it's better than it ever was and they are very, very happy.<P>I don't know that I'd recommend "waiting". It does happen, though. Use this time to make the most of you, to become the best person that you can be. You'll see each other again as you're growing and learning and you never know. Either way, you'll be opening up and getting ready for a terrific life for yourself.<P>I know it's hard. Just hang in there. <P>Lori<BR>

Lori,<BR>Thanks for the reply. I soooo want to get back with my husband and I know I shouldn't just sit around and wait but I don't have the desire to see or even meet anyone else. I know how much I love him and want him back. Some may say that I must not love him if I did what I did, but I know now how much I really do. The thing that makes this so hard is that I don't know if my ex really thinks that there is still a possibility of us getting remarried or does he just say that to not hurt my feelings. I don't need to be hanging on to false hope. I'm also not getting any younger and I want to have children, not just children, but HIS children. I really feel as though if I wasn't to get back with him that I would rather not remarry at all. Thanks for the possitive feedback. I know I must not loose hope and I won't. <p>[This message has been edited by HurtingToo (edited October 24, 1999).]

Anyone else? I need to know step I might take?

Hi<BR>I believe (and I stand to be corrected) that Carol and Glenn got re- married but now might not be a good time because Glenn has recently passed away see post Brace yourselves for this one ... <P>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

Hurting Too- <BR>I dont know if you remember me- I was Help- We both started posting about the same time.<BR>I have thought about you because our stories were so similiar.<BR>Are you divorced? I am- that was a real hard time in my life. I still think of him often but there is nothing I can do to change his mind. I know that I tried hard enough to change it- Some people cant forgive or get over the pain of being hurt. As we hurt our husbands. I havent talked with him except for a few times and that was dealing with the sell of our house. We still havent sold it and we arent even trying. We have one person come and look at it- that was back in august. He is having to pay half the payment and I am leaving there. I miss him something terrible and would love a second chance but I know and feel that will never happen or at least not anytime soon. I know that he was my soul mate. Please update me on your situation. I was glad to see you on here.

I'm in a similar situation as "in pain" and yourself. I still love my ex and would have wished for a second chance. However, over time I've come to realize more his part in things and have been able to stop beating myself up so much. I even believe now that he never really loved me, not in the way that would have guaranteed a life-long relationship. I'm glad I found out sooner rather than later. So this affair happened. Many other crisis, some worse, could have happened during the course of our lifetime. I see now that he didn't have the strength to assess his own part in our marriage. Probably never would. My affair was his excuse to bail. I do know that I did everything possible to regain his trust, and that is all I can do. You don't need to grovel anymore for his affection or anyone else's. I've told my ex that I still love him and miss him, and he is welcome to call me if he wants to. We've talked a few times, but I don't have any hope of us getting back together. Think about it. Would you really want reconciliation under the current terms? He divorced you. That abandonment is just as bad as your infidelity. You think you'd ever live it down with him? I know I wouldn't with my ex, not to even mention all the people he told my whole life story to that I wouldn't want to be around. Part of the reason I had my affair was due to unhappiness with the way he treated me. He shows no signs of changing or even addressing those parts about himself. I know being rejected is very hard, but maybe you are focusing on his rejection instead of focusing on those traits that made you feel hopeless enough to look outside your marriage to begin with.

Hurting Too and In Pain,<P>Anything can happen, and usually does.<P>Give them some time to deal with their own pain and issues, meanwhile you deal with yours. Then maybe one day you'll both be in a position to re-evaluate things.<P>Don't get in to a trap of blaming them for your affair or of blaming them for not forgiving you fast enough and to your satisfaction. They have a right to their own emotions just as you do. Give them some time to deal with them.<P>I read some where that it takes about 2 years to grieve any major tragedy (divorce, death, crippling injury, and yes, an affair). Unfortunately you can divorce in one year. So lots of people divorce in grief and change their minds once it's over.<BR>

My SIL and her husband split 18 years ago due to his affair. Last year he called her out of the blue. They talked on the phone several months and made several visits to see each other on weekends (he lived 9 hrs away). Two months ago he moved back here and they are living together. She has a diamond and they are planning on remarrying. <P>Never in 100 years would I have given that a thought. All the years she was raising the children he never contributed a dime or even called. I don't think I could get around that myself. However, they seem very much in love now.

Thanks so much for the words of encouragement! I REALLY want to remarry him! As crazy as that sounds to some of you out there. I really don't blame him for divorcing me. I would have prefered for us to have worked through it but if he was unable to get past it without divorcing, than who am I to judge the way he chose to deal with it. I feel in my heart that he will eventually want to try again. He even mentioned at one time before the divorce was over that "this way, if we were to get back together, we could start with a clean slate". Now, a question to all of you reading. I realize that as much as I feel that remarriage is still a possibility, I also realize that I need to be aware that he may move on without me. My question, (actually there are two) what are the chances of him mentioning remarriage if he really didn't feel we ever would? and how should I act toward him in the mean time? I have been sending him cards, letters, care packages for 8 months and resently stopped because I was getting no response. Deep down I want to continue to let him know how much I love him and miss him but I chose to stop because I wanted him to know that I am respecting the fact that he chose to divorce me and that perhaps he wanted his space and some distance from me. Any comments?

MY SIL AND BIL re-married after 1 year or so. She betrayed. He caused her to move out of state. They re-married. That's all we know because they are still out of state. I guess there is hope after the big "D" GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK

I have a freind who cheated on his wife with a co-worker.. (We all worked together).. He divorced his wife, and thought the grass was going to be greener).. He got engaged to the ow,, but it never worked.. it was horrible.. The wedding was called off.. My freind eventually re-married his X-wife, and they have been back together for 8 years.. and he has been faithful... They are a great inspiration.. They speak at church about their experience and try to help others.

Dear HurtingToo,<P>One of the questions you asked was, "...what are the chances of him mentioning remarriage if he really didn't feel we ever would?"<P>There is, of course, a chance he actually felt that way. No doubt about it. The embers die very slowly for most people.<P>There is also a chance he said it because he knows you feel that way and wanted to make you feel better by saying it.<P>Regardless of what the answer to such questions might be, I think the message for each and every one of us here is the same. We've all got to find our inner strength and hold onto that. We are soooo much better off if we do this and it helps us whether we get married again or not. You seem so hurt, lost and dependent right now. You are in a weakened condition. By finding strength within, you'll always have something solid inside yourself regardless of what goes on outside. You would need this even if you were happily married. We all need this. Unfortunately, though, few of us seek it until tough times come. Now is your time.

The more I hear about successful re-marriages, the more hopeful I become. I REALLY want this to happen. I know my husband (I don't feel he is my ex, nor do I believe God sees it that way), is a good man and has many loving, caring characteristics. Many friends ask me why would I want to go back to him if he never talked to me or was emotionally there for me? I believe that he understands where he fell short. I know it does not justify betraying him, however I do believe that he wouldn't want to remarry unless he was willing to try harder at it. I know that marriage is hard work! but he is so worth it. I used to think before I got married that if it was such hard work than you must not have married the right person....boy was I WRONG. I really feel he and I are right for each other but just need help in learning how to meet each others needs and learn to communicate more effectively. Thanks for the advice and please remember us in your prayers.